My Dad is in the hospital, he has pneumonia. My youngest sister called yesterday to give me this news and to let me know she was on her way down there. She left last night. I sit here with a pile of thoughts turning over and over in my head. The main thought is; I can't go. It no longer matters why, because it is so complicated. No matter which way I turn I am caught up in a reason. Some are emotional and some are practical, and they are all hovering over me like a large storm cloud.
Yesterday morning, my sister called and said that I should call Dad as soon as possible and tell him I love him. She told me not to think about it or worry about it, just do it, so I did. His voice was quiet and shaky. He was disoriented. He was not the big scary man that I have been frustrated with and angry with for all these years. He was just a very sick man who was dying and it made me sad.
There is no way to change any of the things that have happened these last few months. There is no time to fix what is broken between me and my Dad. My sister just called a few minutes ago to tell me that he will not make it out of the hospital. They have put him on morphine and they will increase it until he slips into coma and eventually dies. She thinks he will pass in the next day or two. The storm cloud continues to hover as I wonder if I am hurting my sisters even more by not being there. Will they now be angry and hurt by me? Will this ever end?
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