My day yesterday was a day of emotional confusion. I had many conversations with my youngest sister as she struggled with wanting to see my Dad before he dies. She feels like she needs to talk with him and clear her name. She is worried that he will pass away, and she will not be able to take back the things she said at our family meeting in November. You might remember that he pulled her aside when she went there for his birthday (March) and told her how disappointed in her he was for speaking up and saying how hurt and concerned she was at the meeting. Now she is struggling with the guilt of his disappointment, and she wants to make it right.
My heart is breaking for her. I had hoped I could go with her to see him and support her, but Avery's birthday is Monday and then Avery leaves Thursday for her school trip to Chicago. I cannot leave my daughter right now. The other piece is that I am so angry that he attacked her for speaking her mind. She will have this guilt for the rest of her life. I cannot help but wonder why he would want to do that to his children when he knows he is dying. Another issue that I mentioned to my sister is that it is very close to the anniversary of my Mom's death and it is hard enough dealing with that, let alone being down there with him and his new wife in what was my Mom's house.
I have battled with myself, thinking that I should go because that is the right thing to do, but the truth is, I know I am the last person he would want to see. My sisters have also told me that he was going to have words with me about my "behavior" at the November meeting and although I am certain at this point he is not thinking about that, I do not want any terse words to be my last memory, I already have enough bad ones. I know that if he said anything to me, I would be likely to tell him that I said what was in my heart and I was there to represent my Mom who could no longer speak for herself. Since he was busy taking care of himself and making sure he was happy, why he would be surprised that anyone else would want to do that is crazy.
As I write this I am having this surge of anger at him for making my sister feel guilty for speaking up. How dare he hurt her like that? She was opening her heart and sharing how hurt and sad she was and instead of gathering her up and holding her and reassuring her that she was still loved and valued, he smacked her down and made her fell like her feelings did not count, and now she will have to live with that the rest of her life. How will she ever overcome that? How will she ever feel like she has worth, and that her feelings matter? I am so sad for her and for all of us, because these are wounds that will not heal. All of his children will carry scars from him forever. What sadness he is leaving. It is not just sadness for him as much as it is hurt and hard feelings he is leaving behind. I have seen this in books and movies, but I never realized until the last year that it happens in real life too.
I will be praying today for God to take him peacefully from his physical pain. I pray that if my sister goes to him that my Dads heart will have turned and he will give her comfort. I pray that even though I am not there he will know that despite our troubles, he is the only Dad I have ever had; he was part of my life and my children's lives. There seems to be no good way for this all to end. I keep thinking that it is like an earthquake and we are going to continue to feel the aftershocks for months to come.
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