Treasure

My husband and I went on vacation to someplace warm and sunny a while back. It was a wonderful relaxing get away, something that we had not done without our children EVER! That alone was exciting. Our schedule was our own and I guarantee if you try it you will love it. Of course we have waited over 20 years to do it. I have grey hairs from waiting so long. Annnyyyway...one of the things that I found interesting and relaxing to do was search for sea glass and shells that may have washed up on the beach. Sea glass comes from glass items that deteriorate in the water and the little bits and pieces wash up having been tumbled and smoothed in the sand...brown, white and green, and on a lucky day you might find the elusive blue. It was like treasure hunting, finding these pretty pieces and tucking them into my pocket to admire and put in a jar when I got home.

Thinking about these treasures made me also think about my treasures. Bits and pieces of me that have been tumbled and polished over the years and also the pieces of me that have become trapped and don't seem to surface as they once did. These are the treasures that we set aside over time thinking we will come back to them one day.

I want so badly to find away to get back to that part of me. 

I want to focus on the wonder and joy around me but many times get trapped in Facebook scrolling through so many wonderful sayings and stories and then often times horrified and saddened. I spend way to much time flicking my finger on the screen scanning the treasures of others while mine sit dormant. I know I have something in me that is tumbling and polishing its self and I just need to stop and take the time to search for it.

It will not be as easy as walking on the warm sunny beach...(sigh) but somehow I know if I take the time to relax and focus on the calmness and the thrill of the hunt I may even find an elusive shiny something that reminds me that I have treasure left inside me.

The Mean Girl

The Mean Girl

I was raised by a single mother. I spent a good part of my life moving from one place or another and back again. I moved so often I never really had good friends or relationships with other families. Generally I was the odd one. Always being the new kid with acne and no Dad, pretty much made me odd most of the places I moved too. Let’s just say that being bullied was not on anyone’s social awareness radar and name calling and hurtful events ensued. I would share some of the mean things that kids did and said (since when you are bullied, you never forget), but honestly it serves no purpose. The wound is still open and I don’t want to add salt.

After years of being bullied it became part of my inner dialogue. After a while I became my own bully. Looking in the mirror and seeing an ugly girl who was never good enough. No matter how hard I tried to be “good enough”, I failed. I would end up looking in the mirror ridiculing myself or carrying the mean girl bag around with me so if I had a free minute I could find a reason why I was not good enough. It’s really not hard to be your own bully once you have the right tools.

There I was standing in front of the mirror telling myself I am ugly. I dress poorly, I’m fat, no one likes me and cursing the fates for dealing me the acne card. I was uncomfortable in my own skin to the point of not being able to walk in to a restaurant alone for fear someone would see how ugly I am and make me leave. My inner mean girl dialogue reminding me that when people are looking at me all they see is someone that doesn’t measure up. I bullied myself so much that I know I have emotional scars from it. 

I have spent many years working with therapists trying to remove my inner mean girl and learning to believe in myself. I think at this point in my life I am as good as I’m ever going to be to myself. Just as I get there, my aging process decides to put a few reminders on my face and body that I am no spring chicken. Awesome! Now I have a whole new agenda for my personal mean girl to point out, aging. I know I am a mean girl to myself and I know that I am not really the person I think I see in the mirror or imagine I am. That however does not stop me from reaching back to those days of being the odd new fatherless girl with acne. I have to be honest those bully’s from my youth really got there words worth of damage in. 

My point with all this is, we are better than we think we are. If we just give ourselves a break and look around we realize that we are all flawed. Even the mean girls who found such pleasure in hurting someone else just so they felt better about themselves. Now I see that the people that strike out the most at others are the most wounded of us all. That reflection we think we see means nothing. It’s who we are, how we love others and how we do our best to reach out and remind others that there is always someone to take their hand and walk with them through the tough stuff. 

My mean girl has become faint and she is less critical, but she hangs around still. Why give up a good gig when you’ve got it? I’m not sure I will ever be completely done bullying myself, but I have come a long way since the sad days in front of the mirror. Now I have friends that love and support me. A husband that loves me just like I am and reminds me of that often, and finally my 3 daughters who have grown into amazing self sufficient women. So back off mean girl, I’m not all that bad after all!

REDEFINING

Here we are, early spring, birds chirping, sun shining, light hearted and ready for snow to slip away. Spring always seems like it sweeps in to remove the thorn of winter and make things right again. I guess in away, spring is our hero.

The birds are chirping, even on this frost covered crisp morning. I have watched birds flutter about trying to find a place to call home. Their excitement for this new season has ignited my own excitement for the changes ahead. I keep looking out for the fluttering wings and beautiful colors that spring unfolds for us. It is like spring slowly opens her hand and shares her rainbow of color and tosses excitement into the creatures around us. I felt such joy the other day when I saw a cardinal perched on a tree in my backyard. I stood watching the beautiful bird preen and look about for the next place to fly to.

Now I realize I am in my own spring. I have an overflowing agenda in the next couple months. Lots of excitement as my youngest daughter graduates college, my grandson who radiates joy and a zest for life turns one year old and brings an opportunity to see my oldest daughter and share that special time with them. Last but not least, my middle daughter will be getting married. All wonderful exciting events that I am looking forward to.

Eventually I will be back to redefining myself. I am moving out of the season of mothering into the season of being me. I struggle with the thought of focusing on myself. It is not something I have done for sometime and I believe I have lost the ability to look at myself as a priority. I am so use to wanting happiness and a good life for my family that I have tucked myself away in my mothering cloak. I may have to wrestle a bit of myself out from under the cloak. This will be a good time to do a little spring cleaning of my own and discover the treasures of who I am when I am not completely responsible for someone else’s well being. 

I am excited to rediscover myself. Who is this person that I tucked away and does she want the same things or is she ready to switch things up? One thing I know is that I have been a huge slacker with my writing and I miss it terribly. I have wondered if I set it aside so that I could just rest my brain or if I lost faith in myself and the stories I share. Whatever the reason was its time to return and let my words tumble out of my head into my fingers and on to my personal nest.

Nesting my thoughts and bringing them to life are a joy for me. The stories I have written bring me joy and they have made me cry, but each one has a big piece of me hanging out there that I want to share so that someone else feels like they are not alone. Laughing and crying over who we are, where we are and where we want to go makes us better. Each moment of revelation is another twig in our nest as we begin to rebuild ourselves. Sometimes its not about flying away, sometimes its about making a new nest with new ideas, new plans and loving ourselves because...just because, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and its spring. Exciting, beautiful, sunny, lighthearted spring.