Compare if You Dare

During a recent conversation with one of my girls I was side swiped by a comment that basically showed that said daughter felt slighted because she felt another daughter, her sister had been receiving more attention then she had received in a similar situation. The conversation was emotionally charged and an inappropriate comment was made about what she felt was an unfair balance.

So let me explain where I stand about comparison parenting…IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! I have never been able to make everything fair amongst my children and I have no intention of trying. Trying to parent my girls exactly the same is like trying to catch a fly and get it out of your house. There are a lot of swings, but mostly misses.

I spent a lot of time when my children were younger making sure everyone received the same amount of gifts at Christmas and birthdays. I even went so far at times to get the same item in different colors for each of them but the trouble with that is sometimes it is appreciated by one, but most often it falls flat for the others. I have been accused of caring for one more than another and the truth is sometimes that happens. Each of my children needs me in a different way at different times and quite honestly ones troubles can sometimes be higher on the parenting agenda then another and you just do the best you can.

The comparison parenting makes for a slippery slope that I have no desire to step on. I am not interested in sliding down the, is it fair or not mountain. There is no way to take three girls who are each distinctly different from each other and raise them or treat them the same. There is also no way for me to make amends for loving and caring for one differently then another on any given day. Each of these children needs me to love them the way that works best for them. One likes to talk with me and spend time with her, one likes me to hug them and hold them and one of my daughters likes gifts and attention. What none of them will understand until they are parents is that you love them all the same but you have to raise them and respect them as individuals.

I have always told my girls that when I die it will not be fair. I was not trying to be morbid just honest. Someone will be left something better or different then another. One of them may have more time with me then another and one of them may have a harder time adjusting than the others. So I say to my children “Compare if you dare, because it will never be fair!” You would be short changed in the end if you were all treated the same, so embrace your differences and love and respect each other for them. Someday those differences will be the jewels in your own lives and you will be grateful to have them. For now I ask that you respect me and recognize that I am always working to love you and do the very best I can for you and that when you compare you just might be cheating yourself.

Stalemate

I have been sitting here for ½ an hour this morning staring at my computer screen wanting to write about things I shouldn’t. I have so many things inside me that I would normally share and now I find I just can’t. After all these years of being an open book and writing out loud my heartfelt thoughts and feelings, I am starting to believe that I have run my course and that it is time to look for a new outlet.

I will continue to write, but I think and as you may have noticed it will be more limited. It is not as easy these days to open up my heart and share. Many of you have been so supportive and encouraging and I appreciate that more then you know. I just am struggling with things that I prefer to keep private and as hard as I try to find a way to write about them without sharing more than I should it is not possible. Basically I am stalemated. I have much to share but my heart tells me it is not the right time.

I ask that you be patient and continue to check in. I plan to write when I feel I can and as often as I can, but I can no longer live with the rigid schedule I had assigned myself of writing every morning. I will try other times and write about other things but in the end it will not be what you have grown to expect from me. I do hope that what you find when you peek in on me will be something you still enjoy.

Red Exclamation Point

I have realized that I am carrying around some hostility. There is an underlying current of frustration and sadness and until this morning I could not put my finger on it. After a terse morning with my husband and time to quietly reflect, it hit me. Everyone’s everything is more important than my anything.

This is big news and requires a giant red exclamation point, like the kind you put on an important email or priority item. I have been shoving my feelings down inside and just letting things go for so long that I did not even realize what was happening until this morning when the fact that some mail I had asked to be shredded was still on the counter several days past my breaking point. There are many other things happening here at Casa Beadle that have me feeling unimportant and servant like, but the fact that when I mentioned my annoyance (or aggravation) about the papers (still piled on my counter) I received a in kind aggravated response it put me in a tail spin. I am actually trying to control the urge to just cover this entire page with red exclamation points.

How did things get to this point? When did I quietly slip away? I consider myself a pretty straight forward person. I usually speak my mind and I do not have a problem speaking up when I do not agree with something, yet here I am being smacked in the face with the fact that I have just given up. It was a slow quiet process and I didn’t even sense what was happening. At odd moments I would think to speak up and then I would stop myself with a quiet reminder to myself (in my head) that it was not worth the energy…that nothing will change.

So today is a new day, one of my favorite quotes is from Gandhi “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I would like to say that my day started as me being the change, but what I was, was an angry frustrated woman who was allowing everyone’s everything to be more important than my own anything. I was now snarping and bitter rather than just saying the truth of what was happening and not allowing it to continue.

I want to be the change.

The real trick will be getting the rest of this household to change too. People here are used to me saying things, but now I am getting serious and it could become uncomfortable…for everyone. I have thrown my feelings out from time to time, but when the chips were down, I would reel those same feelings back in so that there were no ruffled feathers. Do not get me wrong, I have still ruffled feathers but usually it is when I have kept quiet for too long and instead of just being point blank, I become a bottle rocket.

For now I will hold off on the red exclamation points and just try to work through this situation a little more calmly than I did this morning. I do not take pride in sending anyone out into the world with a bad attitude in the morning and for that I owe my husband an apology. I do however believe that at some point I need to reclaim the Me that I want to be and pack away this person that I do not know and really do not like. I do not have a problem with everyone else’s everything being important, as long as it does not come at the expense of my anything.

Writing

As you may have noticed, I have not been as dedicated to my writing as I once was. In the past I was pouring my thoughts and feelings out every day. I would direct my pen (or keyboard) in any direction without a second thought, writing is my therapy and I enjoyed having therapy every single day.

Suddenly I am faced with a whole new set of life changing events and writing seems more difficult. I have an adult daughter living back at home and looking for work. I have a middle daughter off at college who is thriving, plus a youngest that is Co-President of the junior class, works on student council, has an advanced placement English class, pre calculus, and four other classes, a part-time job and she is also in voice lessons plus she is planning on trying out for the high schools fall theatre production. Honestly, I have too much to write about.

The trouble is that it is hard for me to write about the ups and downs of having my adult daughter here at home. I find myself unrealistically annoyed by things that I must learn to live with. If I write about the annoyance today, it will be water under the bridge tomorrow and then I have launched out into the world my aggravation and there is no way to get it back. I am trying to adjust to having someone who is set in their ways coming back into the mix. The biggest challenge I see is the fact that for her, she is coming home and fitting back into her old life, when she has established herself out in the real world with her own routines and her own schedules. The tricky part is my routines and schedules are different. Trust me some days are just not easy. If I say anything I may hurt her feelings and if I don’t, I walk around with a giant chip on my shoulder until I get over it.

Most days I chose the giant chip on shoulder attitude. It makes for some tense moments, but I figure it is better than starting a disagreement over a minor issue that feels giant sized at the time. If I can just hold on until the frustration has subsided I can usually talk about what is bothering me in a fairly decent tone. Mind you this is an all day project that requires me to deep breath and remind myself that we are helping our daughter get back on her feet, that this IS temporary and finally one day when my house is empty I will miss them all terribly.

My college co-ed daughter has found her wings and writing about her seems almost like bragging. She is happy, challenged and busy learning how to live life on her own for the first time. This of course means that next spring I will have another daughter home that has her own schedule and routines. Let us all just take a moment to think about how fun that is going to be…is anyone else thinking what I am thinking? I will possibly then have two children at home that I have absolutely no control over. This could potentially be the most difficult parenting trap yet. How do I live in my house while everyone around me is acting like it is their house and showing no interest in what works best for me?…sigh.

Finally there is my youngest, which complains constantly about being too busy and then ends up with more to do. Honestly, I am afraid she learned this behavior from me. There is a distinct familiarity about her patterns that I recognize and I find myself waffling back and forth between pride and worry. I want to tell her that it is ok to say no and then I say (like I do for myself) “well, you do not want to miss out” or “You can handle it”. I am totally raising another over achiever and I have just realized where the pattern started. I would feel really bad about it, but I have heard that you have to heal yourself before you can heal others and…well…there is no healing happening for me anytime soon.

So you see the writing is a little more complicated now. It is not just about all the estate nonsense (Yes that is still going on!). There are new pieces to my life puzzle that I am working hard to find a spot for. Oh, what the heck, I guess I can dump some of this on you too from time to time too. Just know that some days I may need to write but I just can’t and some days I will write and I probably should not. As long as we have that understanding we will be just fine.

Making your Mark

Lately, I have been very aware that my opportunity to make my mark is slowly slipping through my fingers. I realize that because I write out my thoughts and feelings for the world to see my mark may have already been made in some people’s opinion, but I am feeling this strong pull to be the person that is remembered well.

Yesterday as my daughter Ashleigh and I were poking around Target, we found ourselves spritzing fragrances. One in particular had us both thinking of my Mom. It was a small travel size bottle of gardenia body spray and once we released it into the air with both thought of my Mom. I immediately had tears in my eye and a lump in my throat. My Mom is and always will be remembered, as much for her wackiness as anything else. Miss Mary was a quirky woman who was severely irreverent, however in the right circumstances she could become a very refined and elegant woman. There are days when I know that she lives on in me.

My Dad is never far from my mind, most often because of the crap load of mess he has left my sister and me to deal with when he put his mitts into the Trust that my Mom and he had put into place for when they died. At this point I realize that whether I like it or not what is happening is nothing that I can change and I have taken to deep breaths when dealing with the daily frustrations of this fiasco. My Dad was not someone you would cross. Dad had a way of convincing you that you wanted exactly what he wanted regardless if you really did. Here is the important part, the poet Maya Angelou has said “When people show you who they are believe them”. Dad showed me who he was, but I always doubted what I was seeing, leaning towards the fact that he was family and well…he would never intentionally hurt family…we all know how that turned out. The sad fact is that for me my memories of my Dad are of the hurt he has inflicted on our family so that he alone would be happy. Not exactly a stellar legacy in my opinion. There will be no reminiscing in the aisles of Target about him for me.

I hope that I can be the person that people believe has a good heart and loving spirit. I hope that when I am gone people will laugh at memories we have had together and remember them fondly. I want to leave my mark softly with love and laughter and have the scent of my life be recognized one random day for no other reason than people believed whom I was and our time together leaves a pleasant mark. What would you like your mark to be?

Life Happens

You know the saying: Life happens while you are making other plans? Well, life happens whether you like it or not is another possible turn of that phrase. Yesterday afternoon after all my chest pounding about not being worthy of a shelf stocking truck unloading job, the phone rang and well…you know, they offered me the job.

Here is the thing, I don’t want it anymore. I mean we have talked about this and we all know that for me right now I am where I am suppose to be, but I am not going to lie I felt a lot better about myself after I declined their offer. I actually had been feeling like I had no redeeming talents in my work life toolbox. I was beginning to worry that if something happened and my help was needed to keep the financial home fires burning, I would be out of luck.

That one call yesterday brought my self esteem up a notch and helped me realize that you just have to ride life’s wave. Nothing, absolutely N O T H I N G happens the way we think it should, everything happens the way it is supposed to. People do not call when you want them to, cars do not start when you need them to, our kids do not listen the way they are supposed to and promises are not kept.  In the end it is all okay.

I have no illusions that I am done trying to cram more things into my life. It is what I do best, over stocking my life shelves is all part of who I am (Like how I put the shelf stocking part in there?), but I am walking away a little smarter and a little less ready to jump on every event and job out there. I am ready to sit back and release control a little bit and let life “happen” without me forcing it.

 Just the other night I was invited to a local Woman’s philanthropic organization for their first meeting of the year. It was not something I had planned on and when the out of the blue invite came I thought…“why not!” That decision tuned out to be a life happens moment. I ended up reconnecting with women I had not talked to in sometime and one woman in particular made that evening the most memorable when she said “I am so glad you came, I have always had a warm place in my heart for you”.

That one comment warmed my heart and helped me realize that sometimes when you are not even trying or planning on it, you touch another life. Life just happens and working hard to fill a void is not the answer. Riding the wave, letting life happen whether you like it or not, puts you where you need to be.  You hear and feel things that no amount of heavy lifting or planning could possibly conjure up for you. I have let go, I have declined an opportunity and at the same time opened myself up to my life and its agenda.

Twenty Years Ago Today...

It has been twenty years…some years seemed longer than others but we made it through. We have laughed until our stomachs hurt and cried over life and its mighty blows. We have raised three beautiful girls and lost grandparents, a niece, a Mom and a Dad. Yet we remain rock solid and completely invested in walking this path together.

This has not been an easy twenty years, I am no walk in the park believe me! I have tried Mark’s patience more than once…ok probably way more than twenty times, but he has not always been a piece of cake either. The best part is that after twenty years you are through the adjustment period, you know the person pretty well and you over look a lot.

I know that we have an investment in each other. We know what to expect and when we do surprise each other it is always for the good. We have helped each other through the tough stuff and I cannot imagine my life any other way or with any other person. I truly believe that I am living God’s plan for my life. I like that we sometimes pull away from each other because of stress or some other issue, but always end up together. We know that there is no safer place to fall then into each other’s arms.

Twenty years ago today I married my best friend and I am pleased to tell you we are still best friends today. Nothing about being married is easy, you are not only marrying your partner you are marrying their family and their issues. I remember someone liking it to carrying luggage into your life. You take on a life partner and you end up with lots of extra baggage! Obviously if you have been reading this blog for a while you know that Mark ended up with a lot of extra baggage when I walked into his life!

Today and everyday and everyday forward I am a lucky lady, with a great life and a fabulous husband and friend. I know that God willing we will go out of this world knowing we hung in there and made as much of the extra baggage disappear as we could and found places to tuck the baggage we did not know what to do with. All this so we can say I LOVE YOU to each other for as long as we can, laugh some more, cry some more and live life together.

Nine Eleven

9/11/01 early in the morning I was preparing to spend the morning cleaning and then meeting Mark to sign papers for our refinancing later in the day. We were thrilled to have a shot at a lower interest rate on our mortgage. My normal day generally does not involve watching TV, but for some reason that morning I turned the television on while I was dusting. That is when I first saw and heard America’s heart change forever.

This morning on the radio there was a discussion about whether or not we Americans feel safe and if the measures put in place to protect us work. There were comments about the TSA and their intense measures monitoring the airports, there were also comments about how safe people feel.  What struck me the most was that the destruction and horror of that day has faded and we are now comfortable debating how safe we are and what is right and wrong with the system that is now in place. As Americans we had a false sense of being untouchable and above the nations that struggled with terrorism and here we were learning first hand that we were never more than seconds away from having our lives change forever.

I remember where I was that day and how I felt. I remember talking to my Mom and telling her that I loved her. I remember wanting to go up to the school to bring my children home but knowing that I did not want them to watch me spending my day glued to the horror that was unfolding in front of all of us on the television. Most of all, I remember the sadness. The very next day I had to run an errand at a department store. It felt inappropriate, but it was necessary. As I stood at the register a moment of silence was announced as requested by the President and the cashier took my hand and the hand of the woman behind me and we bowed our heads and cried.

The pace of life was changed, if only for a while. People seemed more patient with each other and everyone seemed to understand that you just cannot sweat the little things. America wept for those that were lost and our hearts were tender. Eleven years later we are still struck by the shock of that day. We are reminded through images the heart wrenching moments and the unbelievable miracles of that day but our full throttle pace has returned and our hearts while still tender seem less interested in kindness and patience. Life goes on.

The moments that will always dominate my memory of 9/11/01 is talking to my Mom and telling her that I love her because not long after that her memory gave way and I lost the essence of whom she was. I will also remember the awkward feeling of signing refinancing papers when it seemed the world might end. Most of all I remember holding hands with two strangers and crying and knowing that in that moment with all that was wrong in our America, three people that knew nothing of one another held hands and wept.

Finding Where I Fit

I am certain that most of my friends and family are sick of me trying to “find myself”. I have been looking for myself everywhere thinking it vital that I become employed or occupied in some way.  I think I just figured out that I am fine right where I am and I need to stop trying so hard.

A few weeks ago I had written about a job I applied for at a local craft store. I interviewed and had waited expectantly for the call telling me I was hired. As the days went on I started to realize that that was not what I wanted to do at all. I was not the least bit interested anymore. I decided I would just tell them I had found something else, but they never called. Not even getting a call was difficult to take. I mean really I am not even good enough to stock shelves early in the morning? Tell me this would not bother you a little bit even if you did not want the stupid job!

Next I filled out paperwork for a volunteer job at our church. One day I want to do it and the next I don’t, what the heck is the matter with me? I have these papers that I received two weeks ago all filled out and there they sit in a folder saying “Are ya going to send us out or not?” Good question, it’s looking like NOT at this point. This has me feeling like a bigger loser…who volunteers at their church and then says, “Just kidding…changed my mind!”

The truth is that while I have been out looking for me I realized that I am very happy the way my life is and the thought of something job related messing with that just does not sound good. I am perfectly happy with the volunteering I already do and the small jobs that I pick up here and there, now and then. For me right now that is enough and that is okay.

You see finding yourself is great if you are floundering around but I am not. I am content and I have been struggling with some displaced guilt that what I do here at home and out in the world is just not enough, but it is. Honestly, what am I proving if I hoist boxes and stock shelves? Will I be happy if I am driving a ½ hour to volunteer at church doing data entry a couple times a week or will I be stressed? The truth is I am trying too hard to find something that fits my life and at this time nothing else fits.

I have found myself right where I left myself and I am glad to be back. I am working hard not to consider myself lazy because I do not want to add anything else to my life. I know when the time is right and the door opens to a new opportunity I will be ready. In the mean time I will stop blabbering on and on about what I am going to do with myself (this will make many people happy) and just stand in who I am and stop trying so hard to fit another mold of me.

Operation Tire Retread

I am in transition. My maternal job is slowing down and I am starting to feel a little like you do when you are pedaling a bike so slow that you tip over. I am trying to keep my balance but the honest truth is that we all know it’s time for me to try some new things and reinvent this mothering wheel before it tips over or goes flat.

In the last few weeks I have started working towards Operation Tire Retread. I have signed on as a poll worker for the elections. I have been offered the opportunity to assist a friend with a weekend conference she is working on and yesterday I interviewed for a job as a replenishment worker at a local craft store. This job has many things good about it that make it just right for right now. Its early morning and done by ten or eleven in the morning no more than three days a week but mostly one day. I am responsible to unpack boxes and stock shelves and occasionally help a customer with a question if I cross paths with one. I like the idea of this not being a job I will have to be stressed about. It’s putting stuff where it goes which I do at home all the time. How bad can it be?

Of course there will be the interaction with new people which is always fun for me and the chance to make a new friend or acquaintance which I consider a plus but mainly it seems like a job with limited hours and limited stress. This job gets me out of the house and keeps me from obsessing too much about my maternal bike slowing and me falling off. Basically I am trying to retrain my focus in a new direction. It does not hurt that I will be making a little cash too. This job is not going to get me on the cover of Forbes or Fortune 500 but it will give me a little bit of cash to perhaps pay off some college debt or buy a cute pair of random shoes just because I want them.

Over all I do not want to reinvent the maternal wheel just retread it a little. I need to shake it up over here and keep my bike up and running and the best way to do that is try something new so that is what I am going to do. So let the transitions begin!

Learning to be Silent

I am at the point in my child rearing where I must learn to be silent. I have dropped my second of three girls at college over the weekend and I found myself biting my tongue and voicing my concerns in question form to avoid making a frontal attack, things like “Do you need my help?” That’s interesting, is that a new way of doing things?”  My all time favorite was to my middle daughter when we were on our way to drop her at college; it went like this, “So…what is your expectation for how today should go?” I thought it best to work within her plan so that when I left her there she would be thinking nice things about me.

My job is phasing out…the mothering and maternal teaching phase is pretty much over. Sure I still have my youngest here at home for another two years but she is pretty much already kicking the gate ready to bolt. In my quest to be loving and understanding to my youngest after dropping her sister at college, I did my best to be dotting and loving only to have it thrown back in my face when my youngest said to me, “MOM, ever since we dropped Aly off at school you have been talking to me like I am three year old!” Mind you the ever since part was less than twenty four hours, that is barely enough time to do any real damage to her, so now I have taken the direct approach and she will just have to live with it. I still have two years with her, so I am not fully invested in being silent with her yet anyway.

As for the other two, I am struggling to be there as a Mom and not verbalize my concerns about decisions and choices they might be making. Even in question form some things are just too hard to talk about with your children. You see your kids making choices that you recognize as old pattern behaviors that have caused them trouble in the past and there is nothing you can do. You stand there thinking NOOOOOOOO and you say “Oh really, wow!” out loud. Let’s face it they really do not care if we agree, if they want to do something they are going do it period end of story.

The truth that we Mom’s do not learn until we are Mom’s is that you never stop worrying. You never stop wondering if you did the right thing with your kids and finally once you reach a certain point in raising them, they only learn from driving their own lives. Well at least you hope they learn there are some that are determined to slam into the same wall over and over again. I have decided that my energy is better spent worrying about me. I have enough going on that a little time and attention towards me sounds like a great plan. I am sure that I will step into trouble and say the wrong thing but over all I am fully committed to learning to be silent.

Letting Go Again

Well, the deed is done, last night I paid my first tuition bill in over ten years. Having a ten year difference between my oldest and middle daughter has always been a challenge. Back when Aly was born I had a tough time readjusting to the diapers and late night feedings actually most of the baby firsts were tougher the second time around 10 years later. Now I am faced with letting go and giving my daughters health and well being to a college three hours away all over again and I am finding that it is tougher the second time around.

The first time I sent my oldest to college I found that having my two youngest still at home kept me occupied and focused. This time around I am pretty sure my youngest is not going to appreciate me remaining focused completely on her. Somehow instead of just letting go of one daughter, I am going to have to let go of two. This is not to say that I will be hands off with my youngest, but I will be aware that she does not need me as much as she did when she six.

We are five days away from move in day and there are last minute items to purchase so that transition to college will be somewhat seamless. I find that Aly is packing as if she is going across country on a wagon train, never to see civilization again. As much as I explain to her that there are stores near her campus, she is determined to have a large quantity of everything with her when she arrives for move in. I am certain that some of these things will end up in my car heading back home.

In the end it comes down to letting go and trusting that my hands on full out mother phase is coming to an end and the guiding and suggestion phase is beginning…I am as shocked as you that I could say that with a straight face. Obviously, I am far too much of a Mom to give this all up cold turkey and there will be a good amount of hit and miss action before I find my comfort zone with my daughters new life.

While I will be less hands on I cannot give up who I am without a fight. Letting go does not mean STOPPING, it means gradually releasing and that is what I intend to do. Mothering is and has been my favorite career. I cannot say that I am good at it, but I like it and I try hard to do well. These are traits you look for in a good employee.

I am not being fired from mothering, I am just phasing into a slow retirement. Obviously since one daughter has moved back home retirement will not be on a near horizon, but we are two years away from our youngest heading off to college and I have a feeling that the time is going to fly.

In no time at all I will be quietly sitting on my deck and not hearing the floor creak with the footsteps of my children. I will have the clean house to myself and things will be put away where they belong. That’s when I will have let go. For now, I guess I can over look a few messes and noise. Someday soon this will all just be a memory. The second time around is just as tough as the first when you are letting go and something tells me that with the third one it is not going to get any easier.

Niagara Falls Drive By

Todays post is just a photo of our early morning drive past Niagara Falls on Friday morning. I would love to write more, but I have been sitting here for some time this morning and nothing is pouring out of my fingers on to the page. We had a great trip to Rochester, New York. I was still tired from my week of jamming in as much as I could, so Madam Party Pants kept going to bed at 8:30 every night. These early morning hours are not conducive to late night card games, so I think our hosts probably had one of the more restful visits with us. Hopefully tomorrow I will have my brain back in working order.

No Boy Scout

Dear Reader, this blog was meant to be posted yesterday August 10th. Due to travel and visiting agenda's I failed to post it. I hope to have more for you tomorrow!

So here we are midway through Canada at 8:00 AM on our road trip. You might recall yesterday I mentioned how unprepared I was for this trip and in fairness I need to pass along to you that because of my lack of preparedness, we left a half hour later than we planned. I packed more then I can possibly wear in three days and I have left my computer cord at home which means my writing time is extremely limited.

I am running on a half charged battery today…both my computer and me. In order to get myself charged up I am inserting a HOT cup of Canada’s finest Tim Horton’s coffee into my system. My computer is not as fortunate, it will slowly fade until it has nothing left to give. I remember hearing something about boy scouts always being prepared and having been a girl scout, I cannot even remember what we had going for us other than cookies. There was absolutely no preparedness training for the girl scouts at all.

Actually considering that I was a girl scout in the 1960’s it is possible we were being trained to care for babies and cook proper meals. The preparation part I had picked up on my own over the years and because my whole week was out of whack that flew right out the window.

Tomorrow if I can write fast enough I will share with you my day on Tuesday. Tuesday I worked as an election official at one of our local election precinct. Americans exercising their right to vote and getting feisty with the workers is always a good read, so stay tuned and if I can get it on the computer and out to you before my computer shuts down, we will all have a happy day!

Hopefully, once I explain about Tuesday you might understand why I am still running on empty three days later. In the mean time my husband and youngest daughter who are my travel companions this trip are putting up with my unprepared cranky self. Cranky because I do not like it when I am not prepared. It is a double edged sword and I have fallen on both of the blades this trip. It’s just a half hour and a few extra clothes, but in type A world it can be a very big deal. That being said, I have to get off this thing so that I can share more fun stuff with you tomorrow…lucky you. 

ROAD TRIP!

Tomorrow morning we are hitting the road. As is our travel tradition, we will leave very early in the morning and start heading towards New York state. We will be heading to Rochester, New York for our annual visit with our friends that live there. This has become a highlight to our summer and I am excited. I am looking forward to the road trip, the visiting and the relaxing with friends.

We always drive through Canada to get to Rochester, New York. This is a great way to shorten the distance we have to travel and see Niagara Falls. I look forward to our Niagara Falls drive-by every year. Sadly unless you want to pay $20.00 to park nearby, you are stuck driving slowly down the road gawking out the window.

One year we left on our trip a day early and stayed in Niagara Falls, Canada. This seemed like a fabulous idea since the hotel had a giant water park in it. Our girls had a great time, but I felt like I was stuck in a tourist trap that had a giant money sucker attached. That trip was one of those that had a “glad I went, but I will never go back” lessons attached to it. Needless to say the tradition of driving by the falls began and remains in place to this day.

Normally when we head out of town to visit, I have snacks and food packed to take along as well as special treats for our hosts. This week I have not been on my game and will have to make up for my lack of preparedness with my sparkling personality! I know our friends will not mind that I am empty handed when I arrive, but it still makes me feel bad.

I have to say that I am really struggling with being on top of things lately. I guess my brain is just full and I am going to have to be patient. Once Aly is safely placed at college next weekend, I will have much more open brain space to work with, but in the mean time the rest of the world will have to put up with my less than perfect planning skills. There is also the chance that I am just over being prepared all the time and I have subconsciously joined the people who fly by the seat of their pants.

So, off we go to New York at 5:00 AM tomorrow morning, unprepared, but happy and excited to be going. Our hostess has emailed me to let me know that she is not prepared either, so I am feeling a little better about my lapse in preparation skills. It must be something that is striking busy Mom’s all over the country. Tomorrow, summer gets a little bit better!

No Thumpers Allowed!

The last couple of days I have been sharing my personal and private feelings about my faith. I realize that “religious talk” can put some people off and I want to let you know that while I have a strong faith, I am not fond of the thumpers either. To me a thumper is someone who expounds on something they feel strongly about without allowing room for anyone to get to that place on their own. In my opinion thumpers have the “it’s my way or the highway” way of getting their point across.

I want to let you know that I am not a thumper, I am a quiet faithful person that felt that I could work my way off an emotional ledge by talking (or writing) my way through the emotions I was having at the time. My faith is mine and in sharing my journey I was sharing my heart but in no way was I attempting to thump my faith feelings on you.

We all have a journey to follow and we all get where we need to be. My faith and how I believe may not be right for you, and that is okay with me. I will still like you just the same, as long as you are kind and caring. I also expect you to be nice. I will also say that if you are not a nice person, you should find another blog to follow, because I cannot tolerate mean people. In fairness I have my bad days and I have said a mean thing (or three) from time to time, but I am not an overall mean person.

What I am trying to say is that as I wrote about God these last couple of days and sometimes in the past, I am talking about my faith, which I came to in my own way and in my own time. I do not believe it is my job to make you believe anything or thump about religion or faith. You will come to your own faith and belief in your own time. I am only sharing with you my own safe place to fall, in hopes that if you are searching that you might find what you need there. If not, that is ok, stay the nice person that you are and we will continue to be friends…you the reader and me the writer just plugging along making our way through our lives with no thumping involved.

Lunch Date

Have you ever seen a flower bloom in the late winter? The flower pops its head up out of the snow and bursts open with the same excitement it would have on a warm sunny day. It petals wide open and you can almost hear it yelling, “I’m HERE! Not much longer until spring!” that one little burst of color and the surprise of having the flower appear in the winter make the difference in getting through one more snowy day or month. You have hope.

Yesterday I had my flower bloom in the form of two old friends, my Aunt Nina’s aide, Anna, who cared for Aunt Nina until she died in 2011 and my Aunt’s best friend of over 40 years, Nancy. I met them for lunch with my girlfriend Pam and we had a great visit. It was nice to spend time with them and hear how they were doing. In my heart I knew Aunt Nina was watching and proud that we were all together.

This short visit helped me refocus my attention on what is really important…people. The relationships that we have with the people in our lives, is going to carry us longer and farther than any money in the world. These two women have worked hard in this last year to stay in touch with me. They have called and checked in periodically to make sure all was well and when I was not in touch as often as they hoped they would call again. These two women have invested in me and I in return have learned a lesson and will invest in them as well.

I do not share deep issues with them and I try not to burden them with things that might weigh heavily on me, but I have learned that if I needed to share, Anna and Nancy would listen and if I needed help they would offer it. Their friendship along with the friendships of all of the wonderful women I know are what God sends to me as my army of strength and I know now that this gift is greater than any money, worry or person with ill intent.

Yesterday a flower bloomed in my heart and today I have hope that things are not always as bad as they seem and when they are I have an army available to me. I know this because out of the blue this morning another friend and warrior emailed me offering her support and suggesting we meet for coffee. Another bloom that has poked out of the cold and yelling “I’m HERE!” to remind me that I am not alone and that my faith is my strength. I just need to have the strength to reach out to my army if I need them and let go of the struggle so that I see the blossom when it pokes out its head as I now know it will. I also want to thank every one of my warriors, (you know who you are) for always being there and loving me even when I make it hard to do

Anna, Pam, Me and Nancy on our lunch date...gotta love these women!

I GIVE!!

I remember when I was younger and I would be playing a game outside with my friends, something like tag, where you were chased and hunted until the pursuer caught you and then you were “it”. I also remember my heart pounding and the anxiety of trying to get away from the person who was “it”. Nobody wanted to be the poor sucker that everyone ran away from. Well, lately I have been in my own game of tag being chased and antagonized once again by someone involved in the estate mess left by my Dad (or Stepdad and most recently I have taken to just using his first name…Glenn) and the anxiety and stress is all flooding back.

One of our sisters (again, I use this term loosely because there has never really been a sister relationship) has hired an attorney and has started requesting documentation of all of my other sisters and my activity since becoming executors for my Mom’s estate. Apparently the axe grinding will continue until she has driven us completely mad. I have spent the last three days, since I learned of all of this, stomping around with a gullet full of anxiety and hostility. This behavior is not conducive to living a calm and happy life and it is also not fitting in with my plan to get this estate resolved and move on.

This money has been a monkey on my back for years, starting with how it came into my Mom’s possession and continuing with how my Dad handled her affairs after she died and even some of his conniving when she was alive. I had hoped that once we resolved all the issues with Glenn’s (Dad, Stepdad) widow and the estate we might be able to finally disperse the green evil and be done. But now because childhood issues between siblings has reared its ugly head and one person believes whatever it is she believes, I feel like throwing my hands in the air and yelling, I GIVE!!

Here are the facts as I see them:

This money was my Moms

She shared this money unwisely with her husband Glenn and took his advice in how to hurt and scar other members of her family so that she would inherit all of her parent’s estate and not have to share.

They prepared a trust for when they died, to disperse all of the money remaining to all of their children equally.

Glenn (Dad, Stepdad) dissolved his portion of the trust and gave his portion to his new widow (Woman he hired to care for my ailing mother that he had known about a year and married 8 months after my Mom died) who then inherited this money four months after their wedding when my dad Glenn died.

We (My other sister/co executor) and I have been fighting with said widow for two years to recoup what is rightfully ours

Finally, this is my Mom and I will do whatever it takes to honor her and make sure her wishes are honored as well. No one wants to cheat or be cheated in this. We merely want this resolved and over

Now when we are very close to finally being done, in walks the new person who will be “it” in this game of emotional brutality started by people (our parents) that thought only of themselves. I wish I could just say “I give!” and then walk away. I wish I could abandon ship and say “listen, you want this mess here have it!” But I cannot, I have to see this through and make it right so that everyone can rest in peace, including me.

I have learned from this that money is not the root of evil, people are. People wanting power, people wanting more than they have more quickly then they deserve and people with no ability for care or concern of others, have dark and snake like roots in evil.

So today I will say “I GIVE!”, but it will not be to evil, but to God. I will give this to him and trust that he will hold this stress and pain and carry the burden for me. I am not able to understand the complex reasons behind this new “it” person and their chase. I can only hand this off and release control so that His arms can gather this up and help me be what I need to be in this. This is not a game and I cannot run, I must stand here and make all of this right and hopefully end this glutinous money grab that this money and it’s people began over twenty years ago.

Rain Day

It is no secret that I love my snow days. Each winter you will find me doing all things necessary to provoke a snow day. According to my kids who are smarter than me about most things (just ask them), if you wear your pajama’s inside out, put a spoon under your pillow and flush an ice cube down the toilet you are upping your shot at a snow day. This whole process seems ridiculous, but at the time if you suddenly receive a snow day, you are certain you have powers beyond belief. I am willing to attempt this ridiculous process because I love the cozy fire, book reading and movie that will happen on these random and glorious days. Nothing is expected of you because naturally everything is much too treacherous to attempt when there is snow.

Today is a rain day. It has been raining since about 1:00 AM and it does not look like it will let up anytime soon. The standards for a rain day are different. No one is directing you on how to go about provoking one and the rain generally comes about during a season when you would like to be out and about, for example like today. If I could pick I would prefer the early morning drenching shower that replenishes the plants and grass but does not ruin the summer time activates. For some reason I am less excited about being stuck at home then I would be in winter and find myself feeling trapped.

Some of these feelings probably come from the fact that I am not a big rain fan. I do not like the feeling of being a soggy mess when I am out and about. When it is snowing it does not saturate through your coat as you run from your car to your destination. Snow also seems quieter, once snow blankets the ground it seems to bring a hush to nature and it invites rest and relaxation. Rain rushes in hammers down, lights up the sky and thunder claps loudly around without any consideration at all.

I should at least put in a kind word for the gentle rain that brings contemplative thought. An evening rain or early morning rain that sets you back a little but calms you at the same time. The upside to the giant stomping thunder and lightning this morning was that it gave me an excuse to sit on my rear end and skip my work out. It was the perfect rainy day thing to do. I considered alternative possibilities and found myself completely not interested. The fact that it was storming helped me think up the excuse that I might be electrocuted since my treadmill is by a window...I know you are jealous of how quick thinking I am. I seriously had to protect myself from…ahem…harm.

On the agenda for today is…finishing a book that I have been dragging around with me long enough, vacuuming (another super fun rain activity) a little grocery shopping and perhaps some time with my girls if they ever get up. Rain apparently makes teenagers very tired. It is not a snow day, but those are special and they are best left alone.

Money is Not Everything

Right now there is a giant sink hole in my home where I am throwing endless amounts of money. This hole sits quietly waiting to be fed and for some reason once it is open the hole’s appetite cannot be sated. Some might call it a money pit, but I call it raising kids.

Yesterday I bought four new tires for our daughters car. There had been a flat and a tire was needed. Once I arrived at the tire store it was clear that the tires that were on their car were…well…crap, so the money had to be spent. Then I took my youngest to get her license (hooray!) and called the insurance company to add said daughter to the insurance and just when the bruise of this money punch was forming I received the bill for my middle daughters first semester of college. BAM, knockout punch!

I spent the rest of the day wondering what new thing might happen next that would require a money bath. Welcome to raising kids. The old saying goes “little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems” my new saying goes; little kids, little expenses, big kids, big expenses. When Mark told me later in the evening that one of the girls texted him that the check engine light had come on in their car, I just said “Of course it did!”

What good is this money we parents have if we cannot use it to keep our children safe and healthy? The truth is no matter how old they get I will be here when they need me and if it makes sense to help them I will. Money is not everything, but my kids are. Please know that I am not an enabler and if they are drinking or doing drugs I am not going to supplement their habits, but if they are making their way and hit a bump in the road and I can help them somehow, I will.

This does not mean that I won’t be a little frustrated at watching the cash fall one dollar after another into the sink hole. It can be a little sad watching money you have saved or money you have to borrow disappear faster than you can say “Money is not everything!” The good news is the car has great new tires, my youngest is out and about driving among all of you (watch for her) and my middle daughter will go off to college and hopefully get a great job to pay off the loan and my oldest is here at home getting back on her feet. Because money is not everything, but my kids are!



My newest driver



Summer is Getting Away

It feels like we are just starting to get the hang of this whole summer thing and already we are half way through…some of us are farther through then others since one month from today we will be moving Aly into her college dorm. Summer is getting away and I feel the need to grab a hold of it, dig in my heels and slow it down.

I still want to go to a great Farmers Market in our downtown area and take a day trip somewhere fun. I have been thinking a concert would be fun too, but that could just be a wistful thought since I am not a huge crowd person. I want to eat dinner somewhere overlooking the water and I also would like to go for a long bike ride with my family and do not ask me why, but maybe even visit our local zoo.

Of course many of these activities sound fabulous in my head but once you get our families cast of characters together it turns into total mayhem with some on board and others not, depending on the day and the activity. By the end of it all I am screaming in my head and out of my mouth because I was hoping for a lovely day with my family and instead end up disliking them all immensely.

Nothing can top last summer when we drove to Maine for my cousins wedding. Somehow I think there is a piece of me that feels a little cheated that we do not have that type of adventure ahead. We do have our annual trip to New York to visit our friends that live in Rochester, so the summer is not a complete wash out.

I suppose that Miss Whiny Pants also forgot about her weekend away with her husband not so long ago. Perhaps I should knock off the poor me where has summer gone nonsense and just jump onboard with what time we have left. I guess I will undig my heels, pack away my pity party and slip on my big girl panties and accept what is ahead in the time that is left. That is probably a more positive plan then this blah blah blah, I wish this, I miss that, I wanna, but I ain’t gonna, stuff.

So summer is up and running and I am doing my best to run along side of it. Care to join me? What is on your summer wish list?

Unexpected Words from the Heart

In your life you find there are times that an unexpected word of kindness or encouragement can change your entire day, week or month. Depending on who shares the words and when, the words can make all the difference in how you carry yourself or even in how you think of yourself.

On Sunday at Mark’s parents 50^th anniversary party Mark’s Aunt stopped me to chat. She began talking to me and asking how I was and suddenly she started saying this “I want you to know you are a good person and a hard worker, you are loved and appreciated and you need to believe in yourself.” Then as I stood there choking back tears she said “You are too hard on yourself and you do not give yourself a break.” and as if this whole thing was not surprising enough she added “I am not sure why I am saying these things to you, but you must have had to hear this”.

Mark’s Aunt is a strong Christian woman, while she and I are both faithful people, we show it in different ways. I am not a loud evangelist, I keep my faith quietly in my heart and try to live my faith rather than preach it. His Aunt is more forth right about her faith and while she does not hammer on others for not believing as she does, there is always an unspoken respect we all have for her “God will provide” attitude. This attitude and her love for family have been something I truly admire. As she spoke to me that day I honestly felt she was delivering a message meant just for me.

I found myself unable to stop the tears from pouring down my face as the reality of what Mark’s Aunt was saying sunk in. While some may think this crazy, I honestly felt that her words were as unexpected to her as they were to me and that they were a message from the heart. I am also comfortable believing that they were words that came from heaven to be laid on my heart as a reminder that I am loved and surrounded by love even when I cannot feel it here on earth.

This goes hand in hand with the most recent rash of compliments from strangers that help me believe that perhaps there are angels hoping to bring back my faith in myself. Regardless of how or why my heart was touched. I am also more aware that a simple unexpected word of kindness is all it takes to restore faith and hope. I hope you too will keep yourself alert for the message when it comes, because sometimes it is just unexpected words from the heart.

50th Anniversary

Yesterday we celebrated Mark’s parent’s 50^th wedding anniversary. This event puts life into perspective. Think about it, you like someone, you date them and you marry them and then you spend more time with them then you spend with anyone else in your life time. You have to have the ability to over look a lot of things and work through many more in order to last at least one year with a partner, let alone fifty years.

As I stood back and watched all the grandchildren talking and laughing together, I realized that these fifty years that Mark’s parents invested in each other was also a gift to all of their children. By staying together and walking the hard road they were able be an example to the rest of us of what is important in life.

Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in what is considered fair and look for the slights, but in the end we are all just out here trying to do what we can to make it to the pearly gates without too many blemishes on our record to explain. I know that Mark and I drive our kids crazy with our petty disputes and unreasonable expectations and frustrations with each other, but in the end we are always back on track and ready for the next go round. That’s life, you just make it work and no matter what, you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say “I did the best I could today”.

After fifty years I would say that my in-laws have their doctorate in relationships and while each of us lives out our relationships in our own way, they have something to offer us in being aware of the value of staying together if possible. Since I am on my second marriage I can say that I understand when things do not work, but I also realize after putting twenty years into my relationship with Mark that a good marriage takes two good people with good hearts and the desire to live life with each other even when it’s hard.

So here is to two good people with good hearts that have fought the good fight and won fifty years with their best friend. You just never know when you step into life how the story will end, but the fact that you gave it your all and did not walk away when it was hard makes you both hero’s. It was a good day yesterday and I was truly honored to be a part of their special day.

Gratefulness

I tend to look on the bright side. Not always but most of the time. I especially like to take something that is happening and turn it over and over in my mind and look at it in a variety of ways. Finding the bright side is not always easy but I do try.

Recently Mark (my husband) has been working hard at his new (since March) job. It has not been an easy transition since the new company has the work ethic that if the employee is happy than they are not working hard enough. This has made Mark stressed because he is working constantly, even after office hours on projects that he wants to succeed and he feels like he is basically treading water. He does not feel respected or appreciated and he basically feels beaten down.

This is not fun for Pollyanna (me), who wants to make him feel better, but is so angry with this company she cannot see straight. In desperation this morning, I asked if this was the entire company’s philosophy or just the manager he works for and Mark just said “I don’t know” in the voice of a broken man. All I could do was apologize for even bringing it up, I am sure he is even more frustrated and aggravated than I am and my disdain does not help matters at all.

This is a busy weekend for us. Mark’s family is all coming in to town for his parent’s 50^th wedding anniversary party and with Mark practically shackled to his job it makes it tough for him to visit with his family or even sleep when he is on the phone until 2:00 AM. I found myself this morning snarping away about all of this as I walked with my friend Pam (poor Pam!) and realized mid snarp that we are very lucky Mark has a job at all. I had become so caught up in all the frustration that I lost sight of the hooray moment just a few short months ago when Mark got the call that he had been hired.

Today, I have decided to sing a different tune. I am going back to my Pollyanna ways and being the supporting person I know I can be. I am grateful that Mark has this job during a time when so many are not working. I need to focus on that blessing and not on the negative. For now this is our reality and complaining about it will not change anything. So in the midst of sharing the joy of his parents 50^th anniversary I will be taking a few moments to be grateful for Mark’s job. This is how it works, I get a hold of a thought and turn it all around and realize I was wrong all along.

Married With Children

I am not sure when this happened, but I am completely and utterly STUPID! When my girls have talked to me lately (in fairness it is only the teenage branch of the children’s section) they end their comments with the word MOM. Example: “I did that already, MOM” or “I KNOW MOM”. Each time they speak to me it is like they are overwhelmed with frustration at how ridiculous I am.

I have had enough! I have drawn a line in the motherhood sand and I am reclaiming my right to be talked to like I know what the heck I am talking about. Driving around with my youngest as she practices her driving skills I hear the tone in her voice each time I correct her that says “stop blabbering about my driving, what the heck do you know”, I recently informed her that my (EEK!) 30 odd years of driving have given me the right to speak and act like I know a lot. Shockingly even more than a 16 year old…go figure.

I am also well aware of relationships, job troubles and bosses. I have been divorced, a single mother for a time, a working mother and a stay at home mother, let’s face it, in the current vernacular, I have “mad skills”. My point being, I am not STUPID!

Today I am married with children. I love my children and I know they love me and if I was vindictive, I would put the curse on them that my Mom had put on me… “Someday I hope you have a child that puts their knees in your furniture just like you do!” or “someday I hope your child talks to you that way”. Why did she do that? That was completely unnecessary, mothering is hard enough and she already knew that! Anyway, I am forgoing the curse and using good old fashioned stale mating, you talk to me like I am stupid and you are on your own…if I am so stupid, how can I possibly help them with anything else? Yes, I know this is passive aggressive behavior, but if I am going to skip the curse, what else have I got?

Full disclosure requires me to tell you that I most probably will not stale mate, I will try and then I will give in and step back into mothering mode, because that is who I am. I am a “MOM”. Thinking about it I am glad this is me, I am disappointed in the bad days with my kids, but it’s like golf one good drive or putt and I am ready to keep playing the game. The upside is that after a certain age they will finally understand that I was not the stupid one at all. Okay, maybe not, because I am still ticked at my “MOM” for that whole curse thing.

All in all I like being married with children. It is not an easy job, but every job has its dirty dishes and at this point if being thought stupid by my kids is my biggest worry, I guess I have it made. The fact that my girls think I am annoying with my advice and input (another word for nagging) is something that I will just turn the other cheek about for now. I am my Mother’s daughter and mess with me too much and I just might have a curse for you! So, keep your “MOM’S” to yourself and we will all get along just fine.

Relax, Rest, Repeat

Last weekend my husband Mark and I went away to a Bed and Breakfast for some rest and relaxation. We were long overdue for some time alone so we decided to take the bull by the horns and get out of here. One thing I know for sure since our getaway is, WE DON”T DO IT ENOUGH!

It was a great time to reconnect and relax. The bed and breakfast is on Lake Huron and you are shown to your room given your key and left alone. You are asked what time you want breakfast in the morning and in the morning you hear a gentle knock on the door and there is your breakfast waiting for you. They basically knock and run, so if you want to avoid people the entire time it can be possible.

There was a beautiful beach and gardens outside and Mark and I enjoyed some time sitting both places. We also went on an adventure since Saturday morning was a little cloudy for sitting on the beach. Marks family used to spend time camping and visiting his Grandparents in the area where the bed and breakfast was, so we ended up driving around and looking at places that Mark used to go to when he was little. It was a nice walk down memory lane and a great time to hear stories about his childhood.

Our next adventure was heading to a lumbermen’s monument in the forest area. It was beautiful there and we enjoyed taking in the natural scenery. It was a relaxing morning with some adventure a wonderful lunch and then time back at the bed and breakfast to relax some more. I was starting to get the hang of the relaxing and found myself perfectly content to sit on the beach and look up at the stars at night fall and watch random fireworks in the distance.

I am certain that this whole idea of getting away needs to be a prescription that doctors give their patients and insurance reimburses us for it, it was fabulous. I will not lie though Sunday morning I was already building up my anxiety armor and preparing to head home to all the fall darall and fiddle deedee that gets my panties in a twist on a daily basis.

You will be happy to know that I am back to my normally stressed, anxiety ridden self. The upside is that we rebooked to go back in the early Fall for one last shot of relaxing before the school year starts. Again, I really think this should be covered by insurance. If anyone has any pull about this, I request politely that you use it. Regardless, getting away is obviously helpful to my life with my husband and we will continue the practice of taking time for ourselves from here on out!

Beautiful Scenery

Relaxing



Deck with a view




Breakfast for two!



Post Trauma Looking for Drama

Lately I have been a very unfaithful author. Some of you may not have noticed and some of you may not care, but I am not the writer I once was. Somewhere along the line in these last few months I have emptied out my brain spout and I cannot seem to fill it back up. My drive to write about my relationship with my Mom is over and I feel that I have healed as much as I can there. There is also the ongoing, but finally slowing process of splitting ties with my Dad’s widow (choke, cough, and gag). In this ending of all things traumatic there is really nothing dramatic going on except the daily highs and lows of my family which while somewhat entertaining to me does not necessarily meet the daily requirements of drama for you the reader.

So today I am writing with a warning…if you are looking for an Enquirer type of salacious story you will not find it here. I am comfortable not having drama for a change. Do not get me wrong I am sure there is more to come (seriously it is still my life I know the drama has not ended). I also know that this change of pace is a good opportunity to write about less important but somewhat entertaining things like…the hobo pie sandwiches from last week. How fun was that?

Here is a fun morsel for you. Yesterday was the fourth of July and I was desperate to make a red white and blue dessert. I bought strawberries and blueberries and some heavy cream so that I could make homemade whip cream because I love how yummy it is. I also started the day by making a store brand sugar cookie because on Pinterest someone shared how fun sugar cookie tacos stuffed with whip cream and fruit were. You just bake and before completely cool fold over something slim and round to form your taco…yeah yeah yeah, whatever! I ended up packing up the cookie disaster and sending them with my daughter Aly on her camping trip with a girlfriend’s family. I did not want to keep the painful memory of my failed sugar cookie taco around.

Later I decided I would just use pound cake or angel food cake but after a quick trip to the store realized I had been side tracked by all the choices and left the store sans anything cakey. Because I am persistent person I decided a big bowl of red and blue fruit with homemade whip cream would be yummy, so I pull out the strawberries to start chopping and they were furrier than Santa’s beard. At that point I threw them (the strawberries) in the garbage and cried. I was just not going to have my red white and blue dessert, period end of story.

Cue the family tradition of sparklers. Because Aly was gone there were four dorks (Mark, Ashleigh, Avery and Me) doing dances and writing our names in the air while flames sparkled around us. We are not good candidates for lighting rockets and sending them into the air so for our group a sparkler is dangerous enough. Just the lighting of the sparkler turns into a military production with everyone worrying about being burned, how we will light them and “Where should I put the hot ones?” in the end, this simple act of silliness saved the day. It had all the makings of a good story too, excitement, danger and everyone happy in the end. Perhaps I will be able to keep you entertained yet. I hope so!

Ashleigh and Avery enjoying their forced holiday fun

Mark and I busting a move as we "sparkle" and no he is not
kicking me, we just have great moves together!