Day 311 The Perfect Mom Project

When we arrived home from the midnight showing of Eclipse this morning at two in the morning, I was very happy to see my bed. I was surprised I stayed awake, but the movie was action packed and kept us on the edge of our seats! I rose at 6:30 AM and prepared breakfast for my wonderful friends, "The Newsletter Moms". We have out lived the title, there is no longer a need to fold and mail the newsletter, it is now emailed. We however, remain friends and our monthly breakfasts keep me connected to some amazing women. These women along with many friends that I have had for what seems a lifetime, have helped me make my way through this last few months. Each friend has offered their love and support during a very difficult time. I am truly blessed to know all of them.

Each day that I step out and spend time with my children and friends, I find I heal a little bit more. Spending, time with my girls doing something crazy like a midnight movie helps me connect with them and it reminds me that life is able to go on. I can go on with my life or stay locked in a depression and wonder why all these things have happened. I chose to move forward. I found myself telling Aly yesterday (as she struggled with a challenge in her life) that when you have a road block you must find a way around it. Standing in front of it and doing nothing or giving up, you go nowhere. In my life I have found that when I would shrink from a challenge or road block it would resurface at another time in my life. With that in mind I stepped back into my life. I will not let these weeks of hurt change me. I will enjoy my family, and make time with my friends and I will step over this road block and get on with the life I love. Not only will this be good for me, it will be a great example to my children, which is what I am here for.

I am tired, but it was worth giving up some sleep to reinforce my love for my children. Besides I have to admit I am hooked on this series of movies. They offer me a chance to bond with my girls and they entertain me at the same time it is a win/win situation. Mark is just coming in the door, which is the reverse of when I usually write. Normally he is heading out for work, but my day was scrambled because of all the activities we had. I will have to get going, there is still much to do today, that's just what happens when you jump the road block, you hit the ground running!

Day 310 The Perfect Mom Project

It is very hard to concentrate on my husband and children when each day the phone rings with more waste burbling up from the septic tank of my Dads making. Each day has been another new piece of information that confirms what I thought when this all started in November, that my Dad was a self righteous, self centered, self promoting man with no care or concern for the thoughts and feelings of his children. He has left papers denying that he even adopted me. Really…was that necessary? Each day the phone rings and the septic burbles up another load.

 The best thing that has come from this is the opportunity to work with my sisters to make all of this as right as we can. Not everyone is working with us with this intention, but we will not be deterred. Our goal is to honor what my Mom's intentions were even if no one else will. It is time for this mess to be cleaned up so that all of us can move on. As I have sorted through the boxes I received and answered the calls that keep coming in, I have felt as if my Mom was dying all over again. I wonder and worry over her last years of her life. I could have done nothing to change that for her, yet I am sad. As details come out in the last few days, I know my Dad created a maze of deceit. At last with help we may be able to unwind some of it and at least put things right for my Mom.

 I continue to call him Dad in spite of friends telling me not to. For 28 years he was the only father figure in my life and I honored that because that is what my Mom wanted. I can't say that I will be able to keep it up much longer, but for now he is still my Dad. Blood relative or not, he welcomed me into his home when Ashleigh and I had nowhere else to go, he walked me down the aisle when I married Mark, he was the "Papa" to my children and he was my Dad. I did not choose him for that job, my Mom did, which is how it works for every other child in the world, you do not get to pick. So, for now he is Dad to me, not a great Dad or even a very good Dad, but the one I was given and the one that was taken away. So, he can deny it if he wants to, I have evidence that says something different.

Day 309 The Perfect Mom Project

Last night my youngest sister called me. She is struggling to make sense of all that has transpired over the last few months. The vision she has of our Dad has been ripped apart and she stands now holding the shreds that are left and wondering who Dad really was. My sisters are now even wondering if my Dad adopted me. In his own Will he does not mention me as a daughter and they have no explanation for it. I am past caring about it. He was so hurtful and has done so much damage in the past year that I am no longer able to feel the pain. It is like I have my own personal Novocain.

Each day there are new pieces brought to the table for the giant puzzle he created. How and why he devised a plan that would hurt his children is beyond me. I also am shocked at the people that have been involved in executing this plan of his. My hope is that we can make our way through this maze and come out on the other side without much more hurt, but I continue to brace myself by keeping the expectation that there is more hurt. Once again I am handing this all to God, I cannot carry this load without his help. I have many things ahead of me this week that require me to be a Mom and Wife and these need to be my focus. After all, my project is about becoming the perfect mom, not the perfect victim.

Day 308 The Perfect Mom Project

Ahhhh, the week ahead is filled with many of life's blessings, time with family, time with friends and hopefully time for myself. There will also be many phone calls that involve the continuing saga of "As My Family Turns". My hope is that I can remain focused on the most important thing of all, my husband and my children. We are now in the, When life hands you lemons, make lemonade, phase of our life. Mark and I are trying hard to understand what has happened with my family, and prevent those happenings here.

 I would say we were on the right track long ago, but there are times when we do a full scan of ourselves and our children just to be sure. Our girls are smack dab in the middle of the most selfish and self centered portion of their lives, and we are working hard to make sure that they make it out of this phase quickly and without any remnants hanging on. We have one shot at this, once they are on their own our job is done and time is getting short. Hopefully within our time together as family this week we can talk and share the love in our hearts and remind our girls that within loving yourself is a part you must give away in order to remain whole. It is a tricky, yet important part of growing up and not everyone gets there. Selflessness, empathy, caring and loving others is the better part of any of us and is the receptor to plugging into relationships with others. If I give my girls nothing else in their lives, I hope to give them that gift. Perfect or not, I would feel like a success.

Day 307 The Perfect Mom Project

"Mom, you cannot keep all of this stuff we do not want to have to sort through it all again someday!" We will honestly only want to see things that remind us of you and Dad" Ashleigh said this to me as we spent the day sorting out the lives of generations. There were marriage certificates from 1889 and 1928. Picture upon picture of relatives I knew and relatives I did not know. Hundreds of photos of my Mom, my Aunt and my Grandparents and fabric, tablecloths, even the curly toed shoes that my Mom had bought to go with her Sari years ago.

 I can understand Ashleigh not wanting to have 18 boxes worth of other lives to go through, because it was not an easy task. There were moments though when the girls and I would laugh and there were also the moments when I would cry. Remembering the past is always bittersweet, wishing you could go back and have a "do over". When you are young, you do not realize that there is no going back, there is no way to visit with the loved ones you put off seeing, after they die. There is no way to let them know how much you love them and appreciate them once they are gone. All you can do is use the past to help educate the future.

There are still residual items strewn about my living room, but the majority of the work is behind us. The items that I have set aside for my cousins are here, there are so many pictures of their Mom and her life that they should have and I still need to talk with them about splitting pieces from our grandparents that I have here with them if they are interested. I also have to find a place for the pieces I have decided to keep, and still downstairs in my basement sits the picture board from my Mom's memorial service (over a year ago) covered in pictures. My next task will be putting all of these pictures (including the ones from the picture board) and memories into albums. I am certain that my children would appreciate that. It is time to face the future and let go of the past. It sounds so easy, yet I know that until the giant mess my Dad has created is sorted out I will continue to have one foot platted firmly in the pasts doorway.

Day 306 The Perfect Mom Project

There are so many emotions swirling around inside of me. Yesterday one of my sisters arrived at our breakfast with her car stuffed with boxes filled with my Mom's life. There are at least 18 boxes full of pictures and pieces of lace and letters and poems. There are items from as far back as the 1800's. Pictures of relatives I never met, but somehow resemble my mom or me. While I cannot imagine why she kept all of the things that she did, I am grateful for the chance to step back in time.

 One box held the china my grandmother had hand painted when I was a little girl. I remember grandma sitting at a card table painting these pieces of china. The intricate flowers and gold rims are beautiful and I marvel at how delicate and lovely these pieces are. I am so very happy to have these here with me. I have several pieces of my Aunt Ellie's art that I can finally pass on to her daughter. There have been too many years of hoarding and greed, it is time to share the wealth.

 Ashleigh is coming here today to help go through the boxes. I am grateful for her help. There so many wonderful memories that I want to pass on to her, Aly and Avery. My hope is that the two of us can go through the boxes and sort everything out and move on. Even as I write this, I find myself crying. Some of the tears are for the blessing of having some of my family's heritage that I can pass on to my children and my cousin and her children, and I am relieved. The other tears are for the mess that my Dad has created that is ripping apart parts of the family. My sisters and I are all victims of a man that thought only of himself. Some of these wounds will never, ever heal.

 With that in mind, I find (in my sorting of my mom's papers) cards to my Mom from my Dad and photos of them together that tell a different story then the one we are living now. There is no way to ever understand who he really was or why in the last months of his life he did the things he did. We are still trying to work through all the legal webs that are stretched in front of us and each day a new strand is cast out to catch us. This sadly will be his legacy. Not the fond memories or the love, mainly the anger and sadness of his decision making that went terribly wrong.

Day 305 The Perfect Mom Project

I hit the ground running yesterday. I went to visit with Aunt Nina in the morning and ended up spending more time there then I had planned. As we sat talking, I mentioned to her that I thought we should get her hearing checked. More and more she has to ask what we are saying, maybe she needs her ears cleaned out? Her response was "No I am going to die soon". I decided that I am not going to play these games with her anymore, so I replied to her "Um, actually God decides that and he might be thinking of using you here for another 10 years!" She was not happy. I am still trying to understand why she wants to be miserable. Is it for attention and pity? Her misery does not love company!

I left Nina's flew home grabbed the girls and drove them to their Spanish lesson. I then ran some errands and picked them back up an hour and a half later, raced home and started getting ready for Mark's Mom and Dad to come over. We celebrated his Mom's birthday and Fathers day with them. It was a delicious meal and an enjoyable evening, but I was beat! It felt good to climb into bed and call it a day.

Today starts another day of running. I am meeting up with two of my sisters for breakfast two hours from my home to discuss this giant mess my Dad left behind almost two months ago. It is like this snowball that is picking up steam as it rolls down the hill. We are working hard to stop it! On top of that I am leaving the girls for the second day in a row. I know they will be fine, but I still feel like a bad Mom. I think that they will be pretty busy though. They have laundry to do and dishes to put away. I think that will keep them busy for a little while. If they call to tell me they are bored, I have cleaning out the garage up my sleeve. Actually, if I keep this up they might like it better when I am home. Sound like a plan to me!

Day 304 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday afternoon Aly, Avery and I went to see Toy Story 3. The theatre was filled with younger children, there were no other parents there with their teenagers, but we did not care. The three of us sat there and laughed and cried, just as we always have when we have seen the "kids" movies throughout the years. The funny part of this event to me was that although I no longer have children that I have to escort to the restroom, I felt like Avery and Aly were still my little girls. I was excited to take them to the movie and share this time with them. Days like this are getting fewer and far between, and I am hoping to push the envelope, I want to squeeze as much mommy time out of the summer as I can. Some other events on the agenda for next week are, cherry picking, going to the midnight show of the summer block buster Eclipsefrom the Twilightseries and spending the fourth of July weekend at Ashleigh and Scotts house with some of our friends.

 My hope is that somewhere along the way I can laugh and talk with my girls and stay plugged into their lives. In the background of all of this looms my Aunt Nina and her life that Mark and I are keeping a float, plus the added adventure of the giant mess my Dad has created for my sisters and I to figure out. I am hoping to maintain some sense of who I am throughout all of this. I let go of it once, and I am determined not to do that again. I hope by focusing on all of my girls and their lives, I can continue to gain momentum towards being an OK Mom, or a good Mom. I will reserve judgment on whether or not perfection is involved until the final hour on day 365. Just keeping my eye on the prize (my kids) should help me remember who I am and why I am here…I hope. In the mean time I am off to spend time with Aunt Nina today. It has been over a week since I have been to see her. I hope that it goes well, because if she gets feisty I will be high tailing it out of there!

Day 303 The Perfect Mom Project

My middle daughter is in the throes of teenhood! I am getting all the looks that say "Please, I know way more then you!" and I have also been verbally lashed over and over lately with the spiteful tongue of a teenager with teenitude. If I was a weaker person, I would be huddled in a corner waiting for the teen years to pass by, but what made her the sassy teen that she is, is the same stuff in me that makes me the in your face, "not going to take the lip" mom that I am. That's right…she is just like her Mom.

I admit it, I see myself as a young teen when I look at her. Some of the comments and body language are very familiar. The best thing I can do now is just ride the wave. In spite of her hostility, I love her and the only way out of this is through it, so it is best that we get the show on the road! Hopefully we will make our way past this section soon. However, if it lasts another year, I will deal with it. My job is to get her to the other side of the teen years with as much self confidence and love as I can. Some days that just is not as easy as it sounds.

While I recognize what she is doing, I do not like it. I know that this phase of growing can be a challenge; it is even more challenging when you feel like you are raising yourself. If there is a way to lift her out of this and set her on the other side, I want to know how to do it. I remember how painful it was to navigate through this and while some of that pain is necessary, to much of it can be damaging. I also know that because I see myself in her, I am extremely sensitive to her, perhaps too sensitive. The best thing I can do is make it clear that while her perspective is that I am an idiot, she is still my daughter, living under my roof, eating and drinking my food, wearing clothes that I have provided and reaping the benefits of loving parents. Jeez, life is tough isn't it? So, today, I will suggest to my dear daughter that she suck it up and make do with the parent lot that she drew, because it is not going to change. You do not want to make Mom mad, because as we all know full well by now, "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!!

Day 302 The Perfect Mom Project

Avery and I made strawberry jam this morning. This was the first time I had assistance with this project, and I liked the help. It was also nice to share the time with Avery teaching her to make the jam. I am hopeful that someday she will continue to make jam for her own family. It has been four years since I last made jam. There have been two surgeries one was mine and the other Mark's, there was Ashleigh's wedding and then my Mom's passing. After each of these events, I felt drained and stayed away from what I considered a big project. After actually working on the jam with some help, I can see myself making more next year. It really was not that big of a project with four hands instead of just my two. It also got my mind going on other canning projects I can try later this summer.

 Ashleigh and I have talked about making salsa and canning that in the fall, and I might even attempt canning some tomatoes. It just feels good to get back to doing some of the tasks I use to do. I need that feeling of accomplishment right now. It is as though I have been caught in the swirling water that goes down the drain. I have had to hang on lately so that I did not get washed away. Each day is another step towards being the mom I want to be and used to be. Making the jam this morning was like the famous lunar landing in 1969. I will steal Neil Armstrong's famous line and make it my own "One small step for Mom, one giant leap for motherhood".

Day 301 The Perfect Mom Project

Happy Fathers Day!

This is an open card to my husband Mark, the dad to my kids.

Thank you for coaching soccer for Avery's team and showing the girls how to lead. Thank you for sitting with the girls and helping them with their math homework (something that requires patience and knowledge). You have guided our girls, prayed with our girls and played with our girls. You have taken them camping, hiking and biking and also out to dinner and nice vacations. There have been exasperating moments with our children when you have been the voice of reason, as well as the times when they have had a play, concert, competition or honor where you have been there cheering Ashleigh, Aly and Avery on. They are lucky girls, and I am a lucky Mom. You help make my job easier by being the partner that is ready willing and able at my side. There is no Perfect Mom without the help of her trusty side kick.

Enjoy your day. Revel in the love of your children. Spend time with them and show them the kind of man that you want them to meet and marry someday. The girls are not the only lucky ones, I have also reaped the rewards of your love and I am grateful every day. I love you Mark, Happy Fathers Day!

Day 300 The Perfect Mom Project

Day 300, wow! Time flies when you are writing out your life. Everyday has been new and different, not one day was like the other. Even with one day being upsetting or sad, the next day always has the potential to be better. Life is good!

Today we will celebrate. When we bought our home 13 years ago, we were fortunate to move next door to some wonderful neighbors who have become some of our dearest friends. We have celebrated many milestones together, traveled together, worked out together and cried together. Our children have been friends as well. Today we will celebrate their youngest child Sarah's graduation from high school. Not only will time fly when you are writing out your life, it flies when you are living your life too.

I remember when the girls were little; Sarah, Aly and Avery decided to run away, Sarah was six, Aly was about four years old and Avery was about two. Being the in tune and attentive mom that I am I did not flinch when Aly came in and took yogurt and raisins and put them in a back pack. I thought how cute it was that they were having fun playing together. That was until Sarah's Dad knocked on my door and stood there holding Avery and Aly by the hand. He told me he had found our girls at the corner of our street and they had been running away. That was a great Mommy lesson, I started being more alert to any signs of a break out. You have to admit, it was a pretty gutsy move by those three and smart too, they were not going to go hungry for at least an hour.

A few years later, all three girls were playing down by the creek in our backyard and Aly fell in. Aly came up to the house screaming and covered in mud. When I pressed her about what had happened, she explained that they had all been practicing spitting and she fell in. I also remember the first time Sarah drove into our driveway to take Aly shopping. I knew the day would come, and when it did I was not ready. They were growing up, where did the time go?

Just a few short months ago Sarah had a terrible car accident and her car was totaled. When we arrived at the scene of the accident, it felt as though one of my own had been hit. Sarah's Mom, another good friend of ours and I took one look at her car and knew she was a lucky girl. Life has ebbed and flowed for the last thirteen years which includes the last 300 days, and it is not going to stop. There will be good days and bad, happy and sad yet we will keep moving through time. I look forward to celebrating Sarah today. While I am happy, it is bittersweet. I know that each milestone she passes, my girls are right behind her. It will not be that long until we are celebrating another runaway's graduation here. Today definitely has the potential for good, actually it looks more like there is potential today will be great. Congratulations Sarah!!

Day 299 The Perfect Mom Project

Here I am watching people walk through Ashleigh’s garage poking around looking at all of her garage sale items. It is interesting to see how people shop at a garage sale. You have the scanners; walk through, look uninterested and come back later to see if the thing that caught your eye are still there. The grabbers; Pick up a bunch of stuff as you walk through and then put it all back except the item that is twenty five cents. The critique; “You don’t have much do you?” and the shopper; looking through everything and buying like crazy and only spending $5.00. Welcome to the wild world of garage sales.


It has been a wonderful twenty four hours with my lovely daughter. Restful and quiet, sitting in her garage looking at the moldy photos that I received about a week ago and sharing the memories. We laughed at our hair styles and outfits, we got teary eyed at pictures of my Mom and Dad and laughed some more at the memories that the pictures brought up. It was healing to share the pictures and memories with Ashleigh. It felt good to go back through our past together. All this and I now have a lovely new bunt pan I bought for $1.00. It was a good 24 hours. Time with Ashleigh, a bunt pan and some healing, not bad!

Day 298 The Perfect Mom Project

In just a few minutes I will be heading out the door to spend the day and night with my daughter Ashleigh and her husband Scott. I just wanted a chance to see Ashleigh. It has been about a month since I saw her last and I miss her. During a recent phone call she mentioned she was having a garage sale today and tomorrow, as we talked we decided it would be a great time to visit with her and help her out during the sale.

 My younger girls will be home with Mark. I am hoping that one of them will work on cleaning her room (guess who), and the other one will try very hard not to mother said messy room girl. As I climb in the car I will put all that foolishness behind me and focus on some me time. My brain has been full for so long that it will be hard to shut it off, but perhaps the two hour ride there today and back tomorrow will give me time to think and sort through many of the things I have stored in my head. It will be like cleaning a closet. I will have to decide what I really need to hang on to and what needs to go.

 I want to focus on the summer months ahead, and the time I will have with my girls. I have been swerving on and off the perfect Mom path lately, I am hoping a few hours away, will help me refocus on the job I have as a Mom. It is just like the battery recharge I spoke about recently, it will be a Mom recharge. I am so fortunate that Mark gives me the freedom to run away from time to time. Without these opportunities to take a break from my real life now and then I might go stark raving mad! As I talked with Mark last night about how much I appreciated this time away, I also mentioned he should give it a shot some time. Why should I be the only one that gets recharged? He did not seem that interested right now, but the seed is planted and maybe with some nurturing it will grow. Well, its time to hit the road, I will talk with you tomorrow!

Day 297 The Perfect Mom Project

We are trying to get summer going at our house, but it is a real slow start this year. Our pace is still busy. There is no feeling of life slowing down. This week is zipping along. Monday with Avery not feeling well, I did things around my house. I honestly am not 100 % yet either and enjoyed our sick day. Yesterday I went to the bank, the grocery store, the doctor and the hair salon. It was a whirl wind of activity and then after I made and served dinner I added a long walk with my girlfriend. Today the girls and I are meeting some friends for breakfast and then we will finally make Avery's clothing return. Tonight the girls will go on their annual dinner and book shopping date that Mark's parents take them on for their birthdays. Mark has suggested that we do something too, so I took him up on that!

Tomorrow I head to Ashleigh's for an overnighter. She is having a garage sale and it seemed like a good excuse to spend some time with my oldest. I am looking forward to getting away for a short time. I am hoping it will recharge me a little. Avery has hinted around quite a bit about going along with me, and I have had to force myself to not feel guilty for not taking the girls along. I am sure the girls will come up with a plan t do something within moments of my leaving. They have already been working on Mark to have a sleepover here on Thursday night. However Mark has to constantly remind them that he has to go to work. This means, with me not home there is no one to run interference to remind the girls to keep quiet so Dad can sleep and it also means no adult supervision Friday morning when he leaves for work. We are just not prepared to do that yet. We are very mean parents.

Over all their first week out of the summer gate is slow, but I am certain that they will gain some ground by next week. There is never a dull moment at the hacienda! I have very creative girls that like keeping busy. That means that within the next couple of days they will probably have almost the entire summer planned. That works for me, the busier they are the better. It will make the summer more fun for everyone. It will especially keep them off the computer and away from my arch enemy…the T.V.! That makes it a win/win for all of us.

Day 296 The Perfect Mom Project

When I was a very little girl, my Mom and I lived with my Grandparents. I would say we lived with them for at least the first five years of my life. Then on and off during elementary school and middle school until my Mom sent me to a program that was to help me with my "emotional problems" . I look back now as I raise my own children and two things come to mind. First, most of the issues I had were created by the life I was living and second, I wonder how hard it was to decide to send me away.


Living with my Grandparents was a lonely life for a little girl. I did not have any children nearby to play with. I spent hours making up games and playing by myself. I never really knew how lonely I was until I explained to Mark one day about how I used to play with the fish flies. Mark just looked at me like I was pathetic. Fish flies are weird creatures. They have long skinny buddies with wings that stick up on their back. They only live a few short hours and then they just die right where they have landed. I remember the streets in the area where my grandparents lived covered with these dead smelly bugs. Maybe the name came from the fact that they smelled like dead fish. I would pick them up by their wings and put them in groups and talk with them. It was a game that I looked forward to every year. I had no idea how sad and lonely it was until I shared this with Mark.


Over the weekend, as I cleaned the windows on my patio doors, I discovered a fish fly. They are not common for this area and it really did surprise me. One fish fly, randomly perched on my patio door. I could not help but feel like it was a message from my Grandma and Grandaddy or maybe even my Mom. I feel like they are out there watching me and guiding me through these last few months. There is a song that Aly and Avery sang at my Moms memorial service, it was "The Climb" by a popular singer, Miley Cyrus. I hear that song at the most unusual times these days, and I cannot help but wonder when I hear it if it is my Mom just letting me know that she is out there. Now, here is this random fish fly, where did it come from?


Maybe, I am a little disturbed for thinking that my family is trying to communicate with me through smelly fish flies and random songs, but somehow it puts me at peace. I feel like maybe Mom and I still have hope. Perhaps, the love she could not share in life is pouring from her now. Even if I am making this entire thing up and no one is out there trying to speak to me, I do not care. This is helping me heal the hurt and sadness I have felt for a long time.

Day 295 The Perfect Mom Project

How do you help your daughter love who she is? How do you teach her that the feelings you have on the inside are not the feelings that define your outside? Confidence, beauty, and poise are projected from the interior. There is no makeup or hair color or outfit that is the magic fix for an interior break down. I love Aly, and I want her to love herself, who she is and what she is, based solely on, who she is and what she is, not clothing or a hairstyle or even a magazines idea of whom she is from taking a stupid quiz.

 This is a tough time, my beautiful daughter and I went to a makeup counter at a local department store yesterday. Aly wanted a "new" look and my hope was that a new eye shadow or lipstick would do the trick and my girl would be back on track. Instead Aly was disappointed. It was not the look she was going for and when pressed she admitted she did not even know what the look was that she wanted. All she knew for sure was she wanted to look different.

 My beautiful girl with the amazing singing voice, fabulous smile and huge heart is searching for herself and looking in all the wrong places. Some of this is typical for her age, and some of this has me on high alert. I want to guide her through this rocky terrain. My hope is to bring her through without too much damage or scarring. One wrong word from a friend or 1"frienemy" can put a fumbling teenage girl into a tail spin. It is my job to be here as her constant source of affirmation. I will not let her down, I cannot let her down! Today we will move forward and work on loving who we are. I am not sure how to begin this journey, but I know we must set out immediately; there is no time to waste. My girls life is at a cross road and I must be there with a sign pointing her towards self love and self assurance. Perhaps along the way I might even learn a thing or two!

 1.Frienemy; Teenager who acts like a friend and then does mean hurtful things behind the other friends back, quite common among middle school and high school girls.

Day 294 The Perfect Mom Project

As I sat writing yesterday morning, I kept looking down from my sanctuary on my deck, at the garden below. The garden was just not as pretty as it once was. It had a very long time since I had worked in my garden. I have put down mulch and pulled a weed here and there, but really adjusting things and tidying up has not happened in a while.
 Last summer after my Mom passed away I really lost interest in a lot of things. It really surprised me. My Mom and I were not that close, our relationship was odd. Why would I have such deep feelings of loss? We did not talk often or check in with each other on a regular basis, yet when she died it hit me hard. Some of it was sadness over what could have been. Some of it was her being gone and some of my sadness was for how lonely and sad the last few years of her life were. I was mourning my Mom and within my mourning I lost a piece of myself. I found myself saying "I wish I could be me again".

 Yesterday morning as I gazed at my garden something clicked. I finished my writing, got up from my perch in my sanctuary on the deck and went down to my garden. I started small. I found an old bird cage and draped a wondering vine around it like a miniature trellis. Next I started pulling out some pesky grass that was growing where it did not belong. Suddenly I found myself holding a claw type rake and pulling up the rocks around my garden and cleaning up the grass that was taking them over too. I was feeling like me again. Next I made my way to the house and started cleaning my patio doors and enjoying the feeling of being busy. I was not sitting in a lump reflecting, I was moving and it felt wonderful. As I dressed for a cousin's graduation party, I found myself dressing with more ease then I had felt in a long time. It felt as if I had stepped into the sun and had just removed my sweater. The weight was lifted. I had found me.

Day 293 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo is of me sleeping...

something I am not doing right now!

It is 6AM on Saturday. It is 6AM on the Saturday after the Friday of the last day of school and I am awake. I have actually been awake since Aly's alarm went off at 5AM! I should mention that Aly is not home. Aly is spending the night at her girlfriend's house and is probably sleeping soundly at this very moment. There was a moment just now when I caught myself thinking I should have called her to wake her up to tell her that her alarm was going off, but it would have been difficult, since her phone is on my kitchen counter in a bag of rice (apparently a proven moisture absorption method) along with her camera. Somehow at a friend's house yesterday during all the fun and celebration of being out of school Aly was pushed into the friend's pool with her phone in one pocket and her camera in the other. Super! Now I feel like we are back to Little House on the Prairie times with no way to communicate. This is a good thing since it is probably a bad idea on many different levels to call my lovely daughter and thank her for leaving her alarm on. It is a beautiful summer morning and I would not want to miss it; I just would have liked it to be my choice to get up and not her alarm clocks. To be honest Mark is the one that jumped up to shut it off, however he is back in bed sleeping and I am not.


Avery came bounding into the house yesterday after her last day of school and announced "Mom, I am a 9^th grader now!" I started to cry. I have been trying to sort through the many levels of what made me want to cry. Some of it is that my babies are all growing up. I wondered if some of it was me struggling with the fact that life was moving faster and faster every day. I am not really worried about growing old or dying, I know God has my back on that, but maybe for some weird reason I have started to mourn the ending of motherhood. I know I will always be a mother to all of my children, but they will all soon be at the age that does not require my full hands on mothering treatment. I am sure this delights them, but it makes me sad. Being a Mom is what I do. I have no other job or important task to perform, so now what?


 That is the question I will ponder in the next few days. Now what? Is it time to think about me? Is it time to think about my husband and our life together? I am not in a rush, I still have four years before my last daughter completes high school, but I need to start weaning myself off of the full on mothering that I do. The best way that I see to start that process is to let Aly's phone sit in the bag of rice on my kitchen counter and let the whole mess be her problem. Whether the phone works or not is her issue. I am not going to go in and put the darn thing together (as much as I want to) and see if it works. This is her problem to work on, and I am going to let her do it. Motherhood, it's not just a job it is an adventure…I am really going to miss it!

Day 292 The Perfect Mom Project

The mighty have fallen! I have gone from perfect to a nag in just three days. How does this happen? I will tell you how; I made the mistake of taking both Aly and Avery with me to the mall yesterday. Aly needed to pick up some special cleanser she uses and I thought it would be nice if we all went. Looking back, I can say for sure that there were intermittent "nice" moments, but for the most part I was screaming in my head wondering what the heck I had been thinking.

 Avery does not really like shopping, and she absolutely does not like trying things on, so when she found something that she was interested in I recommended that she try it on. Here is how that went, Avery said "I do not want to" I said "Avery, you do not want to get home and find out it does not fit". Avery then said something about me making her do things she does not want to do, and then Aly who thought she was helping started to comment on this topic and then they each began suggesting to the other that they "Shut up!" In the mean time Avery is up tight, because what I handed her to try on was the wrong length, so I got the right length and she was annoyed all over again about trying it on. Finally, Avery had an item catch her eye and I once again insisted she try it on, (I am mean like that). She tried it on and liked it and she decided to buy it with her birthday money. As we were leaving however we came across the same item but a lot nicer, but the thought that she would have to try it on made Avery decide to stick with what she had already bought…until we got home. Now we have the item sitting in the bag with the receipt and the prospect of another shopping trip.

 In the middle of all of this Aly decided to also mother Avery and she was busy telling her what to do and now she was not only bugging Avery, she was bugging the heck out of me too! By the time we got home I was wondering if Aly was thinking of adopting Avery, since she was so busy parenting her and snapping at her. Honestly, between the two of them I was thinking summer vacation was way over rated and perhaps I should find a year round school for them. By about 6:30PM last night I had had enough. My cork blew and I let them both have it, here is a rough idea of what I said to them.

 "It is going to be a long summer, so keep these things in mind. If I say jump you both will say how high! I do not care if something is not your "JOB" if I ask for it to be done do it. FYI, I am the only Mom here. This position is filled and will remain that way, so stop trying to do my job! I can make or break your summer for you, so do not push me because when I push back it will not be pretty. I do not care if one or the other of you likes, hates, or is mad at the other at any given moment, we are all family. I do not have a favorite, I do not want to be in your fight and decide who is right or wrong!" That was it, one was mad and the other was crying and I did not care. My foot is down and I have drawn my line in the sand.

 As I contemplated this situation this morning I came up with a possible solution to the sibling bickering, which by the way swings back and forth with one minute being a hate festival and the next they are best friends forever. My solution is Sumo wrestling suits. If they start fighting, I tell them to put on their big puffy Sumo wrestling suits and go outside and go at it. No one would be hurt and by the end they would be laughing. At least that is the pretty picture I have in my head. Like I said at the beginning though, the mighty have fallen, and some of my perfection has worn off. This could mean I am not thinking clearly. Guess what? So what! If it means I am never perfect again I will give it up for a few days here and there this summer, where my kids are scared enough of me to not bicker in front of me. Ahhhhhhh, the thought of that sounds delightful.

Day 291 The Perfect Mom Project

When the girls were little we gave them chores at dinner time. They had to set the table and then after dinner they had to use a little brush and dust pan to sweep up the crumbs. Now that they are older, they take turns nightly, one sets the table and feeds the dog and takes her outside, while the other is responsible for kitchen clean up. Sounds simple enough doesn't it? Then why is it that almost every day there is an issue about…

1. Whose night it is to do what
   
2. What each job entails?
   

Last night as I was walking through the house I noticed that the table was not completely cleaned off, so I stepped outside to mention it to Avery, since it was her night for kitchen duty, here is what she said to me as she laid in the hammock reading, "That's not part of my job." Excuse me?! Not part of your job? So if Avery does not take care of it and Aly does not take care of it, who do you think will? That's right, Mom. Well, now I am fuming, every night as I cook dinner, I clean up as I go. I wash the pots and pans and bowls and platters as I finish with them so that there is minimal clean up. It is amazing to me how much aggravation I get over something that has to be done and always stays the same.

I have driven each of them places, picked them up from places, run things to them at school, and helped them with their laundry, plus so much more that I do not have room to write. Just once I wish that I had said, "That's not my job". But here is the fact; we are a family, and we all work together to make our family run. If I start saying "That's not my job to my kids, not much will be getting done around here. I guess it is time to have a tune up chat, where we all sit down and I remind them that everything is everybody's job here. Nobody gets a free pass. That's what family is all about. While we are having our chat I think I might lay down some summer chores for my kids to do also. It worked pretty well last summer, so I might as well keep them busy again this summer. Tomorrow is the last day of school and tonight will be the chore throw down in my living room. It is time to get a few things straight with my girls. Maybe not a great night for my kids, but it will make me happy, and as I have said before; "If Momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy!

Day 290 The Perfect Mom Project

"Thanks Mom, I had fun today." Your welcome Avery, I tried to give you your space with your friends, I hope I did OK?" "Mom, you were perfect, it was nice knowing you were around." Perfect… she told me I was PERFECT!. Our outing to the movie and the outdoor mall with Avery and four of her girlfriends yesterday was a success. I have to say it one more time…she told me I was perfect.

 I was not even shooting for perfect; I was just hoping to survive the day. I decided at the last minute I would go to the movie too. I mentioned it to Avery and explained that I did not want to wonder around the mall alone for four hours, and she was fine with it. I let the girls go in first and get their tickets and then I got mine and sat in the back corner of the theater, so they would have their space. After the movie I set a time with the girls to meet up to head home. Every so often, I would come across them as I shopped. "Hi Miss Ragen", the girls would wave and laugh and I would laugh and wave back, all the while hoping that I was not annoying or embarrassing Avery. The embarrassment scale is very sensitive during the teen years, and one false move by a well intentioned parent can ruin your teen's social status. I was trying to be myself, and at the same time guard Avery's social integrity, not an easy task to pull off I must say! More so because I have a quirky sense of humor and while I am sure my family loves and appreciates it, I know my quirky sense of humor has a high embarrassment factor.

 I started the day yesterday wondering what ever possessed me to offer to take the girls and ended the day glad I did. It was a leap of faith, and I am glad I leaped! How else would I have heard the three words that I have spent the last 290 days chasing? "Mom, you were perfect." I just had to write that one more time, who knows when or if I will ever hear those words again.

Day 289 The Perfect Mom Project

After school yesterday Avery went to spend the night at her friend's house. That left Aly and me to spend some time alone together. Aly drove us into our town and we got an ice cream cone and sat and talked. Two things were huge;

1. Aly drove us
2. We talked

It was awesome to have that mother/daughter time with no agenda. We just hung out and chatted about a variety of things. It was also awesome to be a passenger in the car Aly was driving and have the drive end well. There was no yelling or crying, I stayed calm and Aly did a great job getting us where we needed to go. It was a like a rechargeable battery, we were able to plug into our relationship and recharge it.

 That time with my daughter was precious, as we laughed and talked, I was able to see my sweet daughter growing up right in front of my eyes. Her thoughts about friends and the way her life is going were very insightful. My little girl is growing up. Later in the evening, I sat with her as she watched the TV show "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" As the kids n the show jumped from one relationship to the other and worried about being pregnant, I kept giving Aly "THE MOM LOOK". At one point she looked at me and said "I know Mom!" What she knows is that I do not like that more and more television shows are showing relationships as noncommittal transient connections. I am always commenting to the girls that real life is not like television, once you give away your heart it is hard to get it back. You are never the same.

 My hope is that Aly and I can continue to have time together like we did last night. Actually, I like having that time to plug into all of my girls. Laughing and talking and just connecting as people, with the roles of parent and child set aside for a short time. I plan to hold tight to these memories. They will get me through those tough days when my younger girls "teenitudes" flair up. In the mean time I will try to keep the lines of communication open. Raising kids is just not as easy as it looks; it is definitely not for sissies!

Day 288 The Perfect Mom Project

 

 

This is the final week of school three whole days and two halves for Aly and two whole and two halves for Avery. Avery is taking tomorrow off from school. The entire school is going to a local amusement park, and Avery decided she did not want to attend. Instead she is spending the night at a friend’s house and then tomorrow I will pick her and her girlfriends (that are also passing on the trip) up and we are heading to the movies. This a pretty sweet deal for her if you ask me. Aly will be slaving away at school while we are out gallivanting around.

I am ready to be done with the hustle and bustle of the school year. Last night Mark and I ran out to pick up a few groceries and a friend I have not seen in quite some time was there. She shared with me that she too was ready for a slower pace. It is really funny how eager I am each year for school to be out and how I am just as eager at the end of summer for my kids to head back to school. Hearing my friend say out loud that she felt the same way was comforting. It must just be the dance we Moms do. We want the slower pace and some time with our kids, but then we are ready to have our own lives back and the pace of life to pick up steam.

 I just had a phone call and as the phone was ringing, I thought to myself “What did you forget Avery?” My Mom radar was right on track! She left a shirt here that she needs for her life skills class today. They are planning to do tie dying. Honestly, I think all the end of the year hustle and bustle is making it even harder for my kids to focus. “Fine Avery, I will drop it off at school at 10:30 AM”  “Thanks, Mom” she said. Just seconds before she left this morning we were running around pulling a lunch together for her, because she forgot she had to make her lunch for school today. It is nonstop action and adventure here this week. Let’s hope that this morning was our lowest point and that there is nowhere but up from here. So, I guess I need to get moving, I have a shirt to drop off at the school, another save by Mom today, “Your welcome!”

 

 

Day 287 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday did not go as planned at all. We all went to Avery's soccer game. Mark (the coach for the team), me the sideline parent, Avery the soccer player and Aly who in the 11th hour was called in to be a substitute player for the last game of the season. It was fun watching both the girls on the soccer field. Aly had not played soccer since 4^th grade, but she still had some great moves. I did tease her some, because she runs like a girl. She had her arms at her sides with her pinkies out a little. Her physical appearance looked like she was saying in her head as she ran, "Oh dear, oh dear oh dear!" None the less she did a great job working with the other girls on the team. Our proud moment came when Avery made her first goal ever. After eight years of paying soccer she finally got a goal! It was a great way to end the soccer season.

The rest of the day was quiet. I did poke through the box of moldy pictures a little more. Looking at those pictures brought up some "I wish" feelings. Wondering, if things had been different with my Mom and me, how would our lives have been different today? I am not one to normally look back and say "I should of, or I could of". I am generally happy playing the hand I am dealt, but the pictures in the box have me looking down the rabbit whole wondering if my world could have been different, what would I have changed? The answer is nothing. The change would have had to come from my Mom; I have been trying to live a good and happy life. That is the conscious choice I made long ago. My Mom lived out the life that she chose and regardless of what either of us would have wanted to change, here we are. Mom is gone and I remain to turn the family in a new direction. I guess if I am going to play the hand I was dealt then to borrow a term from poker, "I'm ALL in!

Day 286 The Perfect Mom Project

A couple of days ago I received a box of photos shipped to me from New Orleans. I am assuming they were pictures that were in my sister's freezer there. After hurricane Katrina wiped out the first floor of my parent's home, my Dad and sister stored the photos in her freezer to protect them from becoming any more moldy or decomposed. I am assuming all of this, because there was no note, just the photos all moldy and some stuck together. It was hard to look at them.

 Beyond the memories that the photos stirred up again, I am feeling that the further I stay away from the impending drama that will likely unfold (from the emotional and physical mess my Dad left behind) the better. My sisters are all at odds. They are all hurt and sad and angry. They are blaming one sister or another for these feelings, when the real blame belongs to my Dad who created the mess. Nothing any of us do now will change the emotionally charged course he has set. There have been moments when I have wondered and worried how all of this will play out and what I should do, and then I just decided for my own well being I must do nothing. I cannot jump in the fray with my sisters. As I look in on this story as it unfolds I realize that there is no safe side. Once the mud starts to fling everyone is fair game and I have been through enough. I could not handle another year or more of fighting over this mess that was created.

 I will always have my sadness and doubt about my Dads integrity. I will always wonder what he was thinking when he started down the path that has brought all of us to this point. No mudslinging or legal battles will change that. I will need to just stand out of the way and let my life take the course that God has planned for me. This last year has taken a toll on me physically. It has been one ailment after another, and now I am trying to recover from whatever my stomach is doing. I cannot take any more stress. It seems silly that a box of pictures could bring up so much doesn't it? I just feel like I want to move forward and I keep getting pulled back. I am waiting to hear from my sister that brought a truck of our stuff home when she moved her son (who had been working for my Dad) and his wife back home. Those items will ignite another firestorm of memories.

 For now, I sit quietly listening to the birds singing, the clock ticking and my tummy rumbling. It is going to be a good day. It's Avery's last soccer game of the season, plus she is headed to a birthday party with some girlfriends for a boy from school. I am sure Aly will have something cooked up after her overnight last night with her best friend. Aly told me yesterday she had so much fun last weekend that she feels like summer has started all ready. Whoa Nellie girlfriend, we have another week of exams to get through, don't shut down yet! I have my work cut out for me keeping my kids focused this week. I do not have the energy or time for anything else. So maybe just knowing that, I am back on track for becoming a perfect mom? Nah, probably not…

Day 285 the Perfect Mom Project

Happy Donut Day!

Today is National donut day. Another important point of interest is that this is my last day to drive the middle school carpool this year. No more jumping in the car and running to pick someone up and worrying that we are going to make someone else late. It is Friday which means we have one week left of school, three full days and two half days next week and then it is officially summer!

My girls are ready to be done with school. They have worked very hard this year and they need a break. The break will not last long, since they have both decided to test out of Spanish 1. This means that Aly and Avery have June, July and most of August to learn a year's worth of Spanish. Aly has also decided to take an advanced English class next year which means that she has three novels to read over the summer. Aly also is registered for her Segment Two drivers training, which will be three evenings at the end of June. It is going to be interesting to see how and when all of this gets done.

Avery has just told me that her tennis shoes that she took with her camping last weekend are still wet. As I sit here I can hear her pulling them out of a plastic bag she had them stored in. That means that her wet tennis shoes have been sitting in a plastic bag in her duffel bag since Monday. YUCK! I guess, if you want moldy shoes that is a really good way to store them. I kind of miss the days when the girls were little and I could unpack their bags for them, then I would know for sure that everything was washed and put away. Now I am crossing my fingers that Avery will grow out of this messy phase. If not now, at least by the time she has a home of her own. It is going to be a long summer with messy room girl!

I enjoy having Aly and Avery home during the summer, but I am sure I am not alone in feeling the excitement of the first day of school. There use to be an office supply advertisement on television each year in late August and early September, where the mom would be gliding through the store with one foot on the back of the shopping cart and with her other foot the mom was pushing herself around the store to the song "It's The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" That is how I normally feel by the time summer ends.

Today, I think I will celebrate summer coming, with a donut. I might also raise my donut in a toast to my final day as carpool mom. Finally, I will soak up as much of my time alone as I can in the days I have left before the endless summer begins. So much to do and so little time, I hope that is not the theme of the summer we have ahead of us. I am looking forward to relaxing a little. Ah summer, I love the sound of that word…SUMMER. Off I go for my donut!

Day 284 The Perfect Mom Project

Last night my family had to remind me that today would only be Thursday. I had it in my mind that it was Friday, wishful thinking I guess. I feel like even with Memorial Day last Monday, this week has been too long. We were up later than normal last night since the girls were both excited about their evenings. They each had so much to talk about and the energy level was high. Avery was excited, because she had set a goal for herself at the beginning of the year and she succeeded. She had wanted to achieve all A's for the entire year. Aly was excited, because she was inducted into the National Thespian Society and she was also recognized for her hard work in theater this year. Both girls were sitting at the end of our bed talking a mile a minute (not exactly conducive to falling asleep).

It was wonderful watching Aly and Avery so excited about their accomplishments. I realized last night that all three of ours girls had been invited to honors night all three years when they were in the middle school. Knowing that middle school is tough enough just from an emotional stand point, I was very proud of all of them for working hard and staying focused on school, no easy task when your hormones are in charge. Now that the concerts, plays and honors nights are over, we are all focused on the finals that started on Tuesday and continue through the end of next week. Saturday is our last soccer game of the year, so our summer will be wide open for some fun after that. We are also going to be learning Spanish this summer since both girls have decided to try to test out of first year Spanish. It seems that every time we slow down around here, we speed up with something else.

Mom is ready for some down time. I have been in high gear for a while and it is taking its toll on me. Tomorrow is my last carpool drive of the year, so I can check that off my to do list and with only four more full days of school, my grocery list will not have to include lunch box items for a while. All in all I am making my way through the teen years and puberty like a safari guide through the jungle, pushing aside the tall grass and vines that get in my way so that we can get to the clearing. It's been a real adventure so far, I can only imagine what excitement lies ahead.

Day 283 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo is honors night 2008 Aly 8th grade, Avery 6th

I was surprised yesterday when a friend of mine told me that their family was not going to honors night tonight. They were invited, but decided not to go. One of her children had said "It's just a piece of paper Mom, it's no big deal." I know this particular family has been exceptionally busy with several children in different sports and both Mom and Dad working. Tonight is their only free night this week, so she jumped on the chance to stay home. I shared with her that I have been telling my kids for years, that when you have the chance to have someone pat you on the back, or clap for you, you should take it, as you get older those chances happen less and less. I also told her that I see her side too, if you have one night to do nothing, in a sea of busy nights, you want to grab it and enjoy it. Now, I am wondering if my idea of encouraging my kids to go for the pat on the back is the right way to think.

 This being Avery's last year of middle school, I want her to have the chance to hold that piece of paper in her hand and feel the honor of the moment. On the other hand would it really matter if she was not there? I am not sure why it is so important to me that the kids not miss these moments. Is it about them, or is it really about me being able to see them receive their award. It is probably a little of both. While Avery and Aly both worked hard to do well in school, Mark and I were in the back ground helping with homework and encouraging them. Sometimes we were driving them and other times they had their own drive. Does it really matter if they are there when the awards are handed out?

 Maybe, it is just about what works for each family. For us, we are dividing up tonight since Aly is going to her theartre banquet tonight and the rest of us are going to Avery's Honor's night. That is what works for our family this year. I had a Mom ask me if I was going to be at the banquet with Aly the other day, and I had to explain that we had chosen to go to Avery's last honors night. I had a tinge of guilt when I explained that we would not be there to the other Mom. I guess every family has to do what works for them, but for me, I still think I want my kids to be there for the pats on the back, I am just sad that tonight I cannot be in two places at once.

Day 282 The Perfect Mom Project

This week I am carpool mom and tonight I am soccer mom. Tomorrow night, I will be a celebrating my youngest daughters academic success mom at the middle school. I will also not be a thespian banquet mom for Aly, because both events are scheduled for the same evening at the same time. Since I cannot be everywhere at once I had to choose. I went with the Honors night at the middle school since it is the last one, after this we are an all in high school family. Which also will equal a broke family, since yearbooks alone cost $65.00 and I will now be buying two.

The last few weeks of school are taking their toll on all of us. The girls are tired of homework and tired of getting up early, tired of making their lunches and just plain tired. Avery is worn out from a long weekend of camping and has announced this morning that I am" irritating" her. I said "That's funny, because you are irritating me too!" We are off and running this morning busy irritating each other. Aly had a busy social life this weekend. She had a never ending itinerary that started with her successful bonfire Friday night and ended yesterday evening, with a movie at a friend's house. I guess if we are tired it is probably from trying to start summer before school is even over. We are all burning the candle at both ends. We have nine days left of school and I am counting them down. With the end of school comes what Mark likes to call the "endless summer", and this year I need it more than my kids do!