Slippery Slope

I realized today that my parenting gig is a slippery slope. As much as I want to get to the top and claim my rightful place of Parent of The World, my kids have a different plan for me and drag me down every time. Today I am facing the truth and I can admit that I am not a perfect parent I screw up, I say the wrong things (but think even worse), I cloddishly attempt to guide and protect my young charges and I even have the nerve to "Boss" them around, but everything I do, I do out of love.

 

As you see me slipping by, down the hill we parents charge up, keep in mind that there is no perfect. The standard for parenting is illusive at best and we are bombarded daily with endless suggestions on how to be better at something that is actually a moving target. Let's be honest, regardless of the odds of success, we believe every shovelful of these suggestions and attempt to put them into practice. Well, at least us "good" parents do, the rest of you have either given up or have stopped buying into this nonsense and are happy at the bottom of the hill where the stress level and the parenting propaganda are much less.

 

On my recent hunting and gathering of family heirlooms trip to New Orleans I stumbled across a photo that has left me reeling. All I could think when I saw this picture was, "Why did my Mom think this was a good idea?" I am certain that Mom was trying to take a generational photo, since the picture contains my Great Grandmother (seated) my Aunt Ellie (in the wheelchair), my Grandmother (standing, daughter of Great Grandma and mother to Ellie) and then finally me. I of course you notice right away because I am in rollers and a hairnet. I am very grateful the days of hairnets and rollers are over, especially after seeing this photo.



Somewhere around 1972 (Thanks a lot Mom, if thats your real name!)



I can only assume that my Mom was trying to preserve a family moment, which is what we parents do, but I believe she made an error in judgment when she had me pose in the background. On the other hand I am very much like my Mom and can see where she might have thought the whole thing quite funny. Here is where the lesson comes…I know better. I have learned from watching my own mother slip down the slope what works and does not work in parenting. I have gained immeasurable amounts of insight from my mother's mistakes with me and I can only hope that my own children will do the same. Mistakes whether they are your own or someone else's can be wonderful life lessons if you pay attention to them.

 Our schools are closed today because of freezing rain so I have the whole day with my youngest children to practice my parenting. I have no doubt I will race up the parenting hill and slide back down several times before the day is through, but if I am lucky I may hit the jack pot and get something right. If nothing else I will boss them around, say the wrong thing and annoy my children and as I slide down the slippery parenting slope I will yell, "But remember I LOVE YOU!"

 

Parenting 101

Parenting, it's not a job it is an adventure…especially when you have a senior in high school that is just done and is ready to head out into the world and do her own thing and not be accountable to anyone anymore. The trouble is I cannot get this young woman to understand that you are always accountable to someone. There are always rules, always people with expectations and always responsibility.

Life at home with parents yammering on and on about what they want from you might not be what a kid wants, but in the end you find yourself wishing for the good old days when you had no responsibilities and someone bought your groceries and made you dinner, kept you warm and safe and encouraged you. Let us also not forget that someone will do your laundry for you when you need it too. Where else can that happen besides home, for free?

I have tried to explain to my child that I want her to grow up and I want her to leave home. I also want her to be responsible for herself and respect others. Unfortunately it is my job to get her ready to go with a full understanding of respect and responsibility and I intend to do that whether she likes it or not. Perhaps the fact that she wants to leave home so badly gives me hope that she can launch from here and fly, but I would not be doing my job as a parent if I threw up my hands and gave her, her wings now.

All in good time she will be packing and leaving home. I hope that by then she will understand that what she considers hovering, I consider protecting. What she considers me being mean, is me trying to teach responsibility and self respect. I need to be honest with myself that she won't understand until she is standing in front of her own teenager going toe to toe, but I can dream can't I?

In the end I love her and I will love her right through this time we are facing together. She is strong and smart and when the time is right she will be up for the task of carrying on without me. For now, there is some tweaking to do and I fully intend to do it! I am up for the adventure, I hope she is.

Deserving

The last four days have been none stop. Thursday we prepared to leave for New Orleans to take care of estate business. Each day from there was long and tiring as my sister and I talked to our lawyers, bankers and realtors and then went to our parent's home to reclaim our rightful family heirlooms. I should note we were only allowed to have what belonged to my mother. Anything that was my Dad's no matter what it was we have no right to it. Everything of my Mom's that we collected is now safely stored in a secure storage unit until we can arrange to bring everything home with us.

 Mark (my husband) ended up going with me at the last minute, which helped with the stress and anxiety knowing I had him to lean on throughout the weekend. My sister and I feel good about the trip. Our visit inside our parent's home was surreal. Some things were the same inside, but it was difficult to see the changes that had been made and the lack of love and personality that the house was now missing. In the end the blessing was that there was no confrontation, we were all calm and respectful.

 We are determined to move this estate mess forward, my Dad had a responsibility to my Mom to take care of all of these things after she died, but he did not and now here we are it is almost four years since she (my Mom) died and we are still trying to reclaim what is rightfully hers. The large amounts of pain, disappointment and turmoil that have been caused by one man's greed and narcissism are unbelievable. In retrospect this is how Adolph Hitler, Saddam Hussein and Muammar Gaddafi all began, the rise was fast with a hunger for power and money, but the fall was painful and bloody for everyone.

 The lesson seems to always be the same throughout history. One man believing that he knows all and deserves much never ends well. The words of my Dad at the family meeting where our dad disowned all of us Thanksgiving 2009, (seven months after my Mom died) are still burned in my memory, "Don't I deserve to be happy?" he asked us. To this day I continue to wonder at the thought process that one person believes that they should have more happiness than anyone else.

 I find that to truly appreciate happiness you must share it. A beautiful sunset or meal is even more wonderful when shared with others. Life its self is more joyful and blessed when shared with family and friends. I cannot begin to imagine feeling that I alone deserve something more than anyone else based on my life. I can guarantee there is someone out there in the world that has lived a harder life then me. I have no right to deem myself more worthy then another to have happiness, financial peace, love or a home.

 I am grateful to be home. I am grateful to have my family and the life that I am living. I am also grateful for the life lessons this experience has offered me. I am exhausted, but I am also more blessed and more honored having spent the last few days with my sister and being reminded that in the end it is not about one person and their happiness, it is about family and honoring each other and doing what is right. No one "deserves" to be happy, it is not a right, no one else can give you happiness, it is actually much simpler then that. Once you are happy with yourself and your life in whatever form your life takes, you have discovered the secret.



A tree in downtown New Orleans covered with beads
that were thrown during last Tuesday's Mardi Gras Parades.


 

Keep Calm and Carry On

In through your nose, out through your mouth, air coming in must be held to the count of twelve and then release it. Continuing to focus on clear headedness is key to meditation and calm. In 1939 the British government produced propaganda posters that read…Keep Calm and Carry On. This is my new mantra for this current stage of my life.


Last summer, while we were visiting our friends in New York I found a book mark that had the phrase, Keep Calm and Carry On. I decided at the time that I should make this my personal goal, so I purchased the book mark and I now carry it in my purse. I had honestly forgotten I had it until I started cleaning out my purse of all the things you are not allowed to carry on the plane and there tucked between a gazillion receipts and various unneeded items was my bookmark. Timing is everything.


This bookmark is now dusted off and has moved to the VIP section of my purse. Now every time I reach for my wallet I will bump into my mantra and be reminded that I too can be calm and carry on just like the British. Whatever happens this weekend, however the table turns or fate throws in our direction I must focus on being clearheaded. Everything needs to come to a head so that we (all of us, including the adulterous widow) can finally move on with our lives. Avoiding the truth and ignoring reality is only going to cause the wound to fester.

Today I am taking a big breath in and preparing to board the plane to return to where this saga began. I will breathe in through my nose, hold the breath to the count of twelve, release the breath and repeat three more time. I will then be ready to yank the band aid off this four year wound and get the healing started. All the while I will be meditating on the wise British propaganda, Keep Calm and Carry On.

Faith

In the past few weeks (maybe even years) our family has been bombarded with one stress after another. Family members dying, family betrayals, divorce, job loss and more, many of which have caused me to clinch my teeth, over react, cry, scream and yell. For some reason Mark being unemployed never really upset me.

I have been consistently calm and patient and the feeling has been that when the time is right everything will fall into place, and now it has. Being upset about what you cannot control really serves no purpose. We have been pretty steady at the helm of this from the beginning, other than a couple of tough days when our calm and patience wavered for a moment or two. I have just always had faith that everything would work out all in good time.

Now, I am faced with an excursion to New Orleans and I am wondering where my faith is hiding. Tomorrow I leave for a four day trip to meet with attorneys, bankers and realtors and hopefully remove anything else that still remains in the house that belonged to my Mom. I am unable to release my grip on this event and allow faith to carry me. I want so badly to turn it over and over and examine every detail. I will not be alone, my sister who is co-executor is also coming along and truth be told she has been the driving force behind keeping the ball in play on resolving all the issues involved. But for some reason I have not packed my faith.

I continue to worry about what is fair and right. I continue to forgive and retreat from my forgiveness of the different players in this game of estateopoly. I also continue to have faith and then lose it again. I long for the calm patience that carried me through the job search. Where is it, why does it elude me?

Somewhere in this time is a lesson that I am meant to learn and I intend to figure it out. I want to be able to climb on that plane tomorrow and believe that no matter what the outcome it is out of my hands and that my best course is to release the worry, unclench my jaw and ride the wave. It will be what it will be. No amount of stress will ever make the next few days any better. The only thing that will really make a difference is faith and I need to find some and pack it.

In the end whether things go the way we want them to or not we will be moving towards a resolution and quite honestly that is a high priority. These estate issues have been on our plate far too long and I am very tired of having to hear the name of the woman that adultered with my Dad in conjunction with my Mom. It is painful. I want the past that includes this woman, to actually become the past and I want to move on.

That is going to take a lot of faith and it will also require me giving up my power and control. There needs to be a new driver of this train wreck and I know it can no longer be me. I am officially removing my hands from the wheel and letting my faith carry the load for a change. No amount of crying, screaming, tooth clenching or hysterics will fix this situation just some good old fashioned praying and releasing is all I have left and somehow I think that is what it will take. I just have to have faith.

Mardi Gras

Laissez les bon temps rouler! Let the good times roll!! Today is Mardi gras, in our house it is a holiday. When my parents moved to New Orleans in 1994 their tradition of Mardi gras became part of our lives and we have enjoyed celebrating it ever since.

Marks special Cajun cooking spoon

Mark is busy in the kitchen working on a delicious gumbo recipe for dinner. In a little while I will dig out our Mardi gras beads and decorate the table for our meal time celebration. There is always a glass of wine and a glass of beer as part of the dinner. We do not go to the extent of throwing beads or lifting our tops, but we have fun none the less.


We have much to celebrate today, we learned today that Mark has been offered a job and after looking over the offer he accepted the position. There are a few weeks of paperwork and reference checking ahead, but it is a relief to know that in just a few weeks he will be back to work and our lives will start to get back to normal. In the mean time we have a basement to finish and I am celebrating Mark having the time to finish it…*YaY*! Now before you start feeling bad for Mark about his slave driver wife, you should know that he feels the same way. He can finally focus on the completion of the task and not have to squeeze it in between job hunting.


The rest of the week holds more surprises, so I continue to make my way through one day at a time. I should warn you this could mean sporadic or nonexistent blogging, so you will have to cut me a little slack. I will keep the loop going as best I can. Right now all I care about is the delicious gumbo that is cooking in the kitchen and the fact that my Ubu is gainfully employed once again, which I always knew he would be, but worried about anyway.
So tonight I wish you all a wonderful and joyful Fat Tuesday and Mardi gras (which means eve of the beginning of fast). May you be full and happy, most importantly happy!

 

Frenzied Reality

These days we have a house full of frenzied, stressed and sleepless people. Mark is still searching for employment, Aly has been accepted into two state colleges and is waiting to hear from two out of state schools, plus making her way through the final few months of school and maintaining her GPA so that she ends on a high note and I am still in the middle of the estate issues with my Mom's trust. Avery is just happy and oblivious to all of it and sleeps quite well thank you very much.

Mark has interviewed consistently and it seems like this is more about finding the right fit right now. There was a temporary lapse into depression when one company said that Mark would not fit into their corporate culture. That put Mark into a nose dive and we had a couple days of intense moodiness. My response was "You would not want to work somewhere where there was a "corporate culture" anyway". The whole idea of them telling someone that made me happy that job fell through. Over all he is constantly searching and calling and emailing, so in time something will come up. We are blessed that financially we can hang in there a little longer, but it makes for some tough sleep cycles when you are constantly worrying about a job and financial security.

Aly seems pretty sure of the school she wants to attend, but she really does not want to throw in the towel until all her options are laid out which seems like it will be the first part of next month. She is working hard to do well in her advanced placement classes because if she passes the end of the year tests that could mean she can take those credits with her into college. In addition Aly is in the spring musical. She did not receive a lead role, which we all feel is best since her school load is so heavy, but there was still some disappointment since this is her last show of her senior year. Regardless she is in the show and practicing everyday and she will end the year with all of her theater friends. Sleep seems to be hard to get for Aly as well. She seems almost unable to shut her brain down. There are still a lot of decisions to make and plans to finish before the end of the year. On one high note we have found her dress for prom and chosen the date for her graduation party so we will just keep moving forward. Who needs sleep, it is over rated.

As for me, well I am riddled with anxiety because I am faced with a trip to New Orleans. My sister and I are headed there soon to handle some estate business. This will be my first time back since the "Thanksgiving from hell 2009". As it stands right now we potentially have several meetings and possibly (most likely) a walkthrough of our parent's home where we will be gathering items that belonged to my mother and grandparents. That is if the items are still there. I have discussed with my sister that I have no need for these items in my life now, but she believes we are doing a disservice to our family if we allow the widow to have them. I am a giant knot of anxiety and do not want to have a throw down with the woman that ultimately destroyed our family. She was like a tiny Trojan horse into my parents lives and while I have forgiven the actions and moved on, my heart still hurts when I think of all of it. Somehow I think being in the house and seeing what she (Widow Woman) has done to it could put me over the edge. Sleep is full of restless dreams and waking throughout the night.

There is a frenzied reality here at Casa Crazy. We are all working hard to maintain the look of normal for everyone else's sake. Something is going to have to give soon or we will end up being carted away to the funny farm. The saying goes "fake it until you get it", but for us it is "frenzied and sleepless" until we get it.

Dinner

Every so often, all right I will be honest, most often these days I am stumped about dinner. What to make, who will be home to eat what I make and do I have what I need to make what I think I will make. It has become an endless challenge of building up enough stamina to actually think up a meal and hunt and gather what is needed. There is also the delightful process of preparation and deflecting ill timed comments when my choice for dinner falls short in one of my children's eyes.

I think I am suffering from beaten dog syndrome. The more push back about food I receive the less interested in facing the food beating squad I become. I am flinching and hiding more and more. I am past the point of caring about food and more specifically bag lunches and dinner. When I am hearing we are out of something it is always when my girls are packing their lunches for school. Not when they use the last of something, so I generally hear something about the empty carton or lack of cookies at the crack of dawn when my children are busy hurling their frustration in my direction.

This is my tribal yell announcing that I am done trying to be a mind reader and I do not have the ability to summon food into the house, so please lose the expectations. I will shop when I am darn good and ready and maybe if you are lucky, I will make a menu and have many delicious choices in the house or then again maybe I will not. If you do not have to tell me when we are out of something, why should I worry about letting you know what I am up to?

Anyway, the truth is I am not capable of skipping out on my responsibility of grocery shopping and preparing meals. I guess I just needed to act like I was all that and a bag of chips, but now I am over it. I will get back at the preparation and execution of a grocery list soon, but today I am taking the day off from worrying about it. Perhaps I will take Saturday and Sunday off too. It is Presidents day weekend and Tuesday is Mardi Gras, so I might be busy celebrating. But once all that is over, I will try to be better about following through on my shopping and preparing. At least I will think about trying to be better, I am still working on who will be where and when they will be here and what I have on hand. Once the part is sorted out I will start my list…I think.

Making It Right

In May of 2009 when my Mom died I promised to the heavens that I would make things right. My Dad at that point was in the throes of cheating on my Mom, he also shared with me at the time that the rings that had belonged to my Grandmother were missing because my Mom had "hidden them" when I knew full well he knew where they were and did not want me to have them. Dad also had never begun the process of funding my Mom's trust with half of everything they owned.

 Needless to say I was horrified at what would happen now. Part of me or (truthfully) most of me just wanted to let it go. I wanted to stay comfortable and pretend that everything was OK. The hurt was something I could work my way through and I really did not know how I could ever trust my Dad again. This is when we found out my Dad had a very aggressive Cancer and a few months later after more painful actions by my Dad, and a year after my Mom past, he died.

 Now I am back to "making it right" as I promised my Mom I would do and I find those same feelings burbling up. A big piece of me wants to just let it go and stop dealing with the daily madness that was created by a vengeful, sick and self centered man. The other part of me is determined to make it right for my Mom and for my family. The weight of all of this is crushing on the best of days. No matter how this process ends someone will be hurt and there is absolutely no way to stop it. Thanks Dad!

 I am not a big fan of the woman my Dad married three months before he died, but I am also not comfortable being vengeful towards her. On the other hand she (the widow) does not seem to be the slightest bit concerned about our feelings and she also seems very comfortable being vengeful. Perhaps that is what my Dad liked about her, who knows?
Somehow my sister and I have to get comfortable with taking this bucking bronco of family drama by the horns. I owe it to my Mom to at least throw a punch or two at getting this situation under control. In May my Mom will have been gone four years, this whole nightmare has dragged on long enough and I just want to make it right and get on with my life.

 My Mom use to tell me all the time that "life is not fair" and I would get annoyed with what I considered a ridiculous comment. I guess I feel like life is not about fair, it is about what is right. Being fair is for children, in the adult world doing the right thing, being the bigger person and honoring yourself and who you are is what really counts. Considering that my Dad was not able to do any of those thing helps me feel more determined to make it right for my Mom and at the same time continue to be the best person I can be. In the end that will be the greatest honor to my Mom.

Learned Something New Today

 

I have been trying to get healthier lately. This probably sounds crazy considering that I have had a horrible infection from my surgery last fall and on the heels of my recovery from that I was slammed with a cold that knocked me for a loop. Now I am feeling pretty good and looking ahead to a family vacation in early April that will require me to uncover my winter girth and put on a swimsuit, sooooo, I am working out more and for good measure I had decided to restart my vitamin regime.

This morning after my workout I made myself a delicious healthy breakfast grabbed a big glass of water, a multivitamin and sat down at the table to eat. As I finished up my breakfast I started getting an OH OH feeling in my tummy and went running to the restroom certain that this was not going to end well. My mouth was filling with saliva and my tummy was flipping over and over, but as I lifted the lid and seat of the toilet I realized that I had some work to do before I prayed to the Porcelain God's (as the saying goes). I quickly ran to the bathroom cupboard and grabbed a giant container of Lysol wipes and promptly cleaned up. As luck would have it my cleaning genes helped settle my tummy and I went on my merry way no worse for the wear.

As I mentioned this episode to Mark he recommended I Goggle search Multivitamins and see what comes up (sorry, bad pun). Well, who knew a simple vitamin could cause such a controversy. Apparently, there are many people who become nauseous (like I do) when taking vitamins. Here are the top three reasons provided by random people on Goggle:

1. Zinc, Many people pointed to this as a cause
   
2. Niacin, Another possible culprit
   
3. Coating on the pill, Some felt the coating caused a too slow breakdown of the vitamin
   

I have decided that I will try one of the suggestions on the various websites and buy an adult chewable vitamin. I feel so much better knowing that I am not crazy, that my vitamins are making me nauseous and that I am not alone. There is always comfort in numbers! I am happy that Goggle helped me feel better, not worse as sometimes happens when you go trolling there with health questions. So I learned something new today. I am feeling better and making healthy decisions. Now it is important to stay healthy and not fall victim to anymore illnesses real or imagined!

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Many years ago when Mark and I started dating I decided to make him a giant Valentines card. I made this big heart shaped card out of poster board and glitter and then asked his Mom if I could come over on my work lunch hour and put it in his room to surprise him. For the record, my husband was living at home while working at his first job after finishing college. I am telling you this so you do not think I married a Momma's boy. Any way…

 To this day every year I hand make my Valentines and over time I have extended the tradition to my children. Some years are more extravagant then others. This year I went a little love crazy… I made hand dipped chocolate strawberries. This sounds extravagant, but it was actually pretty simple;

1. Buy strawberries (wash and then dry carefully with paper towel)
2. Dunk in melted chocolate and drizzle with alternate color if desired
3. Chill in fridge

4. TA DA!

Next I made earrings for my girls…I know, right? I went to Michael's, our local craft store and purchased some heart charms. I already had the earring hooks from a previous foray into jewelry making so I just used those. The pictures below outline the process if any of you want to try it. I was thrilled to tell the girls this morning "I made them myself" as they nibbled on their pink and red sprinkled donuts. Avery of course thought it was completely unfair since I bought Mark an entire coffee cake. Whatever, I know that my work is never done when it comes to proving my love to my children, someone always feels cheated.

 

Unpack all your goodies and get started

Hold the hook and gently open loop with small wire cutters or pliers

Add the charm be careful to place it facing in the right direction and then close the loop

Gaze lovingly at your creations

Valentines for my Valentines.

(My sweet Ashleigh, please note yours is on top and

you will recieve it when we see you on Saturday!)

Have fun today everyone!!

Determination

I have a friend who is on a mission to lose weight. She is working at it slowly, using healthy eating and exercise to whittle away at her unwanted weight. I have been amazed at her progress and awed by her determination. Oh, if I only had some of that same determination.

The last few months have not been exactly stellar. I have lost my drive and determination for working out and eating healthy. Watching my friend work so hard with great success has helped me realize that we all fight battles within ourselves. We work at our personal demons some of us with success and others of us not so much. I believe that it is the old get back on the horse (when you fall off) philosophy that is our best defense.

Giving up and not believing in our own success is way too easy. The day in and day out work of staying the course and muddling through is when your true character shines. No matter what life is throwing at us we have to duck and keep plugging away. Sometimes it takes a kick in the pants reminder from a friend or a loved one, but most of the time just the true grit of determination.

It will be an uphill day today, I give myself a hearty pat on the back for working out this morning and I plan to keep at it now, for the long haul. With inspiration and determination, how can I go wrong?

Random Thoughts

Last night our little Midwest town had a snowstorm. Nothing intense, maybe a couple inches of blowing slippery snow. I am thrilled! My attitude will not be received well by many, but I like a good cold wintery day, when I can snuggle under a blanket with a fire blazing. This winter has not offered up many of those days and I am feeling cheated. There is also the fact that we have not had a single snow day this year. Snow days are my all time favorite thing. Snow days when there is NO school, but there is sleeping in, making a fire and just relaxing because it's too cold and snowy to do anything else…ahhh the good old days! This little burst of winter gives me hope that perhaps we may have just one itty bitty snow day before the winter season is over. I will not give up hope!

I was able to enjoy the slippery slidey roads from the passenger's seat last night as Mark and I made our way home from a Rock Your Marriage date night at our church. There was a great talk by one of our pastors and his wife who explained that a marriage needs to be filled up to keep it going just like a cars gas tank. They also used the analogy of a plant that is not watered turns brown. There were two brown plants on hand for dramatic effect.

I know I have mentioned it in the past but I have to bring it up again…marriage is hard. There is nothing easy about spending your life with the same person. I am lucky enough to have a man that will put up with all of my nonsense and still come back for more. On the other hand I do my fair share of putting up with him too. What married couple does not slog through the – You Bug Me!- phase? Go ahead name one… It was a fun night and we made it home safely even though I was certain Mark took every scary road around to get here (all part of putting up with my man)!

One last thing, and this is a doozie, yesterday on Facebook a friend of mine posted a simple request that her friends place a heart on their Facebook page to remind women about breast Cancer awareness. She simply wanted each of her woman friends to put <3 this sign which when you look closely resembles a heart. On Facebook it actually turns into a heart..I think that's cool…anyway, one "friend" got her panties in a twist because "Everyone always focuses on Breast Cancer and there are many other Cancers out there that get no attention." Here is what I think…I have lost loved ones to Cancer, it is a horrible disease in any form it takes. It was a simple heart and a simple gesture to keep the hope of a cure alive…take it down a notch sister! This is why people give up on Facebook or do not join and reconnect, because of all the panty twisted people that take it all way to seriously and never give any slack. I will now step off my soap box.

Stuff Torture

I am a fairly reasonable person. I have my quirks, but over all I can handle just about any situation that comes up when I set my mind to it. Today I am faced with an issue that drives me insane and yet no matter what I do, I end up back at square one. I am being driven mad by the old fashioned art of Stuff Torture. Perhaps you have the same problem at your house.

It starts slowly, something simple like a blanket left out after an evening of watching television or a plate or cup forgotten on a table. Over time it builds into this endless path of bending over and picking up of large amounts of small forgotten items. This is where the torture part starts to mount, because after bending and picking up small inconsequential items for days in a row, you finally blow and say (or yell) something to the lucky family member who is nearby and they stare at you like you are crazy and then say something like "it's just a glass" or "Calm down, why are you getting so mad over a simple blanket?"

Either the whole family is in on this torture, or they are all just unable to see the glass or plate once the food or beverage is removed from it. What are the odds this is a slow methodical way of driving me insane so that my family can be rid of me? Then my family could leave dishes, blankets and clutter everywhere without the crazy lady making a comment.

Regardless I am on to them and I intend to fight back. Here are some ideas I have to beat them at their own game.

• Mark item with a police marker like they use in a crime scene, that way I can pick it up and still clearly mark who left the evidence.
  
• Put each item in a big box and store them away until there are no blankets or dishes or random homework assignments in sight. (problem: no dishes or blankets would be left)
  
• Start leaving all my stuff out too…the old join them if you can't beat them trick!
  

Perhaps this all sounds crazy, but that is where am headed anyway so why not practice. Try to understand, I am not talking about once a day or once a week, it is every day, all day long with no end in sight. You cannot expect a person to come up against this and not blow…I am not as strong as I pretend to be. I am reasonable and quirky, but I do not intend to add insane or crazy to my personality resume. "So take this as my rebel yell family…yea, you there walking away from your glass…I'm talking to you!"

 

Late not Lazy

These last few days of recovery have not been easy. Lying around doing nothing sounds fabulous when you are on the go and see no end in sight. When you are forced to a screeching halt you may even think for a moment how relieved you are it is when you are in the trenches of recovery that you realize that all the books you were going to read if you had a chance and all the movies you were going to watch are still untouched.

Included in my morning today was another visit to the doctor. I was able to get in and out of there without too much pain and it looks like I am healing nicely, at least that is what the good doctor said as he poked and squeezed the wounded area. After the doctor appointment I was held captive by several errands that had to be done. In the end I arrived home later then I wanted and took to trying to accomplish a few small things that had been on my mind.

I tell you all of this so that you know that today I am late writing, not lazy. I am hoping to make a dent in the book I just started reading and maybe even watch a little TV before I head off to bed for more rest. In a strange twist of fate the two antibiotics did not protect me from the cold that is slowly sneaking up on me. Life and my body are screaming at me to slow down and I am just going to have to listen. I have no choice. Perhaps this gives me a chance to watch a movie or read some more of my book, we shall see.

Along Comes Guilt

It should come as no surprise to anyone that I am harboring intense guilt for being under the weather. I was admonished this morning by my husband and caregiver (Ubu…my loving nickname for Mark, sounds like Eww Boo), for trying to get back up to speed and hit the ground running today. I feel that since I am feeling better I should get back to life. I have tasks to take care of for my Great Aunts estate and our taxes to do as well as cleaning and…you get the picture.

Guilt is a great motivator, it has been said before and I agree. Regardless of where you are at physically or emotionally, once guilt hits you are a goner. Nothing can stop you from turning the thoughts of being a loser and user around and around in your head. Maybe it's just me, but once the name calling starts in my head I feel the need to prove I am neither of those things, at least to myself if no one else.

This morning I woke up and made the bed, tidied my room and headed to the kitchen to throw out old mail and wipe off counters. I spent the entire time grousing about my messy family and crabbing at Ubu (Mark) about little things until he had had enough and stopped me, looked me in the eye and said "What's wrong?" In full female fashion I replied "Nothing" Mark then cocked his head sideways and said, "Really?" I think he is on to me about the whole "nothing" thing, you know how it is ladies, you are ticked, and you cannot put your finger on what the issue is, so…it's nothing or everything, your choice. My ticked was actually at myself. I was smothering myself in guilt and trying to fight my way out, literally.

Now I am back seated in my chair with my feet up somewhat subdued but still feeling like I need to get back at real life. Guilt is the great motivator whether you should be motivated or not. I am also busy crabbing about anything I can think of because apparently I want to have a fight with my hubby or at least that is his perception. Mine is that by complaining and pointing out holes in his abilities as caregiver and temporary doer of all things home related I keep my job here at home secure.

For today I will attempt to do my taxes and compile the papers I need to for my Aunt's estate. It really does not seem like anything at all, but according to Ubu it is enough. I have also been advised that as soon as I feel "better" I overdo it and never properly heal. Whatever, guilt is guilt and it manifests itself in many forms. I use mine to motivate while others use alcohol, drugs, eating you name it. I actually feel pretty good about my choice for soothing my guilty conscience. Anyway, the temporary captain of the home ship has put the kibosh on any extra guilt motivated activities today so I might as well relax and rest one more day, but after my doctor appointment tomorrow, LOOK OUT!

Cause and Infect

I am writing today from my usual winter writing location, my leather Lazy Boy with the leg rest propped up and my new birthday mug (note: yesterdays photo) next to me full of Folgers Carmel Drizzle coffee (YUM!). It is now 12:15 PM and I am finally starting to write. The reason for today's delayed writing is that I have an infection in the stitched area from my October surgery and I am just flat out exhausted.

 This infection has plagued me on and off for a couple of months and to be honest I have tried to ignore it and persevere in spite of it. Now before you start judging me and getting all mothery about taking care of myself and all the great mothering comments you have in your arsenal, take a good hard look at yourself. Do you take care of yourself?

 I learned long ago that you keep going in spite of the pain. Think about it where did the phrase "No pain, no gain" come from when it comes to exercise? My own mother moved a piano by herself after bunion surgery on both her feet. I know I am not the only one that hears the doctor say "Take it easy" and nods knowing full well you can't and won't.

 For me personally there are two reasons; I cannot give up my post and I have an ingrained "everyone before me" mothering barometer. Perhaps if when I was sick my family would take a short vacation, I could follow the doctor's advice but when everyone is here I feel like a complete slacker. I probably should have joined the military when I was young, because I live by their mantra's everyday:

1. Be all you can be
2. Never leave a man when he is down
3. Never leave your post

Number three is the trick card when you are a wife and mother. A mothers post is a moving target and knowing when you can leave…well, how about NEVER! My oldest is 28 years old and she is not off the hook and probably never will be (Sorry Ashleigh!). I am in for the long haul on this parenting thing and there is no way out but through it.

 As far as the infection goes, I think it best that now (finally) I listen to the doctor. Especially, since he (the doc) came at me yesterday with a scalpel and a stitch puller thing that looked a lot like pliers. I am not sure what has gone wrong and I have joked that someone sneezed on the thread before surgery, but none of that matters now because I am sore, tired and it is not getting better even though I am taking two different antibiotics at the same time.

 I really do not know the cause of this infection, but I am pulling out all the stops to get better including, taking care of myself and making myself number one. Please do not throw me out of the Mothers Club, this is only a temporary situation and I will be back martyring myself for my children with the best of them in no time. For now my feet are firmly planted in the upright position on the leg rest and I am focused completely on my latest game obsession Bejeweled. Try not to hate me too much!

Birthdays

One of my birthday gifts...look familiar?

Birthdays

The last few days have been a whirlwind of activity. We made our way to the state university for scholarship exams with Aly on Friday and Saturday, and then home to celebrate my birthday on Saturday, with my family on Saturday night. In addition there was the Super Bowl and a very feeble attempt at a family party and the fact that I am still fighting what seems to be an attempt by my body to fight my surgery stitches.

 Today I would like to focus on birthdays…

 There is a point in your life when all the hoopla about the day you were born seems less important. For me I think it might be now. As a rule our family usually makes a favorite meal for the birthday person and we celebrate with gifts and time together as a family. This year I decided I wanted to eat out with my family and that is what we did. It was nice to be out with my younger girls and Mark (I had a chance to have dinner with Ashleigh the night before, since she lives near where Aly and I were for the week end). We laughed and talked and shared

 Alright…blah blah blah my birthday, here is the truth. Birthdays for me were always a day filled with high expectations. For whatever reason my Mom was great about birthdays and Christmas, those were the two times a year where I actually felt special and important. Here I am at the ripe age of 52 and I still (or at least in the past I did) expect those two days to be knock it out of the park fabulous.

 Mark was always under the gun to hit the expectations bar at a very high level. He had no idea what a pain I was about birthdays and Christmas until it was too late and I had sucked him in with my charm. Now he (Mark) works feverishly to please me (as he has been trained to do) and I am grateful and thrilled at the thoughtfulness and effort. But here is the issue. Now, my husband is trained and I am freaking out because I feel his thoughtfulness and generosity are more then I deserve.

 Each holiday and birthday I now sit all slumpy and sad because I am receiving wonderful thoughtful gifts and attention and I am full of guilt. What gives? At this point Mark is ready to scream, because he is pulling out all the stops and I am looking at him and saying "You shouldn't have, it's too much!"

 Now with Mark laid off and our money stream significantly…Okay, completely cut, he is still jumping to meet the bar, I am asking him to stop and we stand in this game of thoughtfulness chicken. Mark works diligently to please, I appreciate with guilt and sorrow and we both stare at each other wondering how to fix this without hurting the other.

 I love my husband. I love his kindness and desire to please me. I am very lucky to have a man that is always working to make our marriage and relationship his first priority. To me that is the best gift of all. The stuff is not going to last as long as our relationship will. The memories of the things we do, the talks we have and the time with our children in the end will be the gift to us both. I also realize that now that he is up and running with his thoughtfulness and generosity I should not try to stop him. The hard part for me will be excepting the thoughtfulness and generosity with grace.

 As of last Saturday, I am 52. Maybe, I am finally getting it. I am well over the half way mark in my life and I now (finally) realize that the two days a year (Christmas and my birthday) are not what matter most. It is the everyday, day in and day out hard work of relationships and life that in the end will be lasting and memorable.

Up All Night

MY BREAKFAST

Here we are at the hotel up bright and early because well…I was up all night. I just could not get comfortable or relax last night. So this morning I am downing a protein drink, some tea and water. Later I will eat breakfast and have some coffee in hopes that I get an energy boost. I will also probably be spending a lot f time in the ladies room.

 There is no time for a drowsy, drag of a Mom today. I will be hiking all over this campus and I must do whatever it takes to tag along. Because life mocks me, I have some sort groin type pull in the top of my right leg. My left knee is also giving me a hard time. I suspect at some point today someone will ask Aly if I am her Grandma since I will be hobbling around and every so often grumbling the word "ouch". I seem to have aged to 85 years old overnight.

Please note that the blow up of the other night is history and Aly and I are talking and laughing like old friends. It is good to put that horrible night behind us and move on. I do still hold the keys to her kingdom (the cell phone and the car keys) so she could just be making nice in hopes of getting those back, but other than a short spurt later today (so she can get the results of the try-outs) of phone use for her I am keeping all of these keys to her happiness.

 Life is too short to be in battle with my daughter. We have discussed the issues from the other night and we are ready to move on. Life is also too short to be up all night. I step out today without my beauty sleep, a limp and a pain, oh and did I mention that I have an infection where I had stitches during my fall surgery? Yes folks, I am a real winner today. Hopefully tonight I will sleep a little better and my wounds will heal. I do not want another night of being up all night!

Contrite

I am not sure how Aly got there, but last night she was contrite. Just one day of bus riding and no cell phone and she had become calm and thoughtful. I however was not on board yet. She came to me to apologize and I listened and counseled, but I did not cave. No car or phone was relinquished.

When I put this plan in motion I had decided it would be a good long time before I handed back the fruits from the parent tree and that is still my plan. I explained to Aly that while she is sorry I am not ready to halt the punishment process, if I did what would that teach her? So often, you hear someone is sorry and moments later their actions tell you different. I want this punishment to leave a lasting impression.

Tonight Aly and I leave for a college scholarship competition at a State university. We will be traveling with a friend and her Mom. Aly asked if she could have her phone and I said I would think about it. There are play try-outs today and since she will be gone tomorrow she was hoping to find out who has what part by phone. I am on the fence, I explained to Aly that I like that she is off the technology grid and has a chance to rest her brain. Too often she is receiving and sending texts and never has a mental break from the world. Most likely, I will let her have her phone for a short time to get the play list. I mean really I am not a monster, but after that back to the shackles until Monday.

Things are so different from when our oldest daughter Ashleigh was growing up. Back then the big deal was that we would not let her have a phone in her room and when phones went cordless we were be up in arms when she took the phone in her room for a conversation. My, how the world has changed, now everyone has a phone and they are on them all the time. You never know who your kids are talking to and when. I can tell you I am not much better. I text and talk with the best of them, but I do not have my phone on hand all the time like some.

I know my Aly is a sweetheart and I know that she is working so hard to achieve the goals she has set for herself. I plan to support her and love her through this tough time. It is not easy when she is growling unkind things in my face, but her stress has to come out somewhere and I would rather it be here at home where we love and understand her. I know she was contrite last night, I felt her sincere grief at her behavior when she spoke to me. In the end what I wanted most was her to have some time to reflect and disconnect and I think that has been achieved. Just know that I stand firm and will hold onto the car and phone until Monday. Contrite or not a punishment is a punishment!

Since I will be on the road for the next couple of days, I will do my best to blog but I make no promises…

Now What?

This morning Aly's car is in the driveway and her cell phone is in my custody, tucked away out of her reach. Last night we had a show down and she lost. The battle is over, but the scars remain. I keep asking myself what I can do to help this child. I cannot decide if her anger and distain towards me is about me or about the stress she is under by trying to be perfect.

Last night, I stopped caring why and decided to treat the (in your face issue) of her anger and hostility. I have warned her for weeks that I would take her car if she did not stop with the anger and disrespect, but we always ended back here with no consequences. I also do not like the cell phone because she can curl up in her room and text her friends and not actually think about what she has said and what has happened.

So this morning, my girls took the bus, and that is the way it is going to be for the next few days. Something had to give, I am tired of the fighting and I am tired of the disrespect. If you are going to act like a two year old, you will be treated like one. The car, the phone and her whole life are supplemented by the very people she keeps telling us she hates. So now what? Would you want to keep giving to someone that did not appreciate you? Actually this is a great time to use Jillian Michaels tag line "Get comfortable with being uncomfortable!"

There is going to be a lot of discomfort for all of us. We will now be picking up after practices and we will be driving them to lessons, but in the end we get our control back. Last night Aly told us she was moving out, I really said nothing when she said this because she is totally clueless. We want her to fly and we want her to be in charge of her own life, but her behavior seems more like a toddler testing us.

I have no patience left and I figure if she wants to be angry and mean, I will give her something to be angry and mean about! There are just a few months left and then we will drop our daughter at college. When I do that I want her to have an appreciation for what she has and who her cheerleaders are. Right now she seems to have lost her focus and it is my job to get it back for her. This afternoon Mark and I will join Aly for a luncheon where she is being acknowledged for her citizenship in school. How ironic is that. I will sit with pride with her and pray that something is said about respect and appreciation. Perhaps hearing about these things will hit home with her, but I doubt it.

If riding the bus and not having a cell phone are the worst things that ever happen to Aly, she will be pretty lucky. Life is a huge sea of opportunity and most times angry resentful people do not have much opportunity. I am done with the "Now what" and I am moving on to the "Put your hands up and slowly hand me your car keys and your phone." Perhaps taking these things away will lift some stress, who knows? Parenting is always educating if nothing else and it seems too often bring up the question…now what?