My brain is empty. I have nothing floating around that I feel I need to share today. Perhaps because the sun is out I am more focused on getting myself together and getting outside. I have been longing for some sunshine for weeks and here it is.
Perhaps tomorrow I will be ready to sit down and share a tale or two, but for today…I have nothing for ya.
This weekend was a whirlwind. Between the three shows my girls preformed in, the planning of the cast party and setting up and cleaning up the cast party everyone here was on the move. On Saturday, Mark and I ended up going to a Rembrandt Jesus exhibit at our local Art Museum with some friends. There was my lifelong friend and her boyfriend, another couple that we had me a couple times before and then three couples that my girlfriend was friends with that we had never met. This extra item on our agenda added another rung of busy to our weekend, but we were looking forward to it, so we went.
I was concerned about inserting myself into my friends group of friends. I did not want to embarrass her or at best say something I shouldn't, which is common for me. I was also not sure if I would fit in with this group of people so it felt a little like I felt in middle school when I was the new kid. At first everyone kind of kept to themselves. No one really mingled with Mark and I and we made no real attempt to mingle back. We did not want to be "those people" that show up and act like they have been part of the group all along. That would be awkward and the others in the group would have scattered trying to get away from an uncomfortable situation.
As I watched the other couples interacting, I started making up stories in my head about what they were like. I had it all figured out how they were and had decided that we were not going to fit in, I thought things like "Look at her, she is not even looking at me" Why do they keep to themselves?" "I know they do not like me, they should give me a chance!" By the time the subject of dinner came up, I was starving and I had decided to suck it up and go eat with everyone. First of all we were driving my friend and her boyfriend, second of all I had to eat so the meal had to happen, like it or not.
Once we were all seated I started to chat with the couple across from us. The wife is someone I judged as mean and had pretty much written her off. Well, big shock, I was wrong she was very nice and engaging, telling stories and asking us questions. Her husband was the same and in no time we became comfortable chatting with them. As the meal went on we talked with everyone more and my guard went down. My judgment glasses came off and I started to relax. By the end of the meal I felt like a complete idiot for being so immature.
I know that I am an adult, but there are times when the little girl that felt like she did not fit in comes out. I never know when she might stop by to visit. Most times I think she is safely tucked away and out of my life, but every so often she shows up unexpectedly and I find that she is judgmental, immature and awkward. I think we all probably have an alter ego that pokes into our adulthood sometimes. It is never a good time and it completely messes with your mind. You find yourself spiraling down the rabbit hole to your childhood and you cannot stop yourself.
I am relieved that I was wrong about these friends of my friend. I learned a tough lesson about judgment and I also learned that the little girl in me needs to move on. I am pretty sure I can handle things from here. If someone is mean or hurtful, I need to let that be their problem. I am a big girl and I need to know that by judging someone else I am only lowering myself and that is not the person I want to be.
Yesterday in the middle of stressing about the cast party planning, I had a conference call with my co-executor/sister and our New Orleans attorney. I have to tell you that my head is ready to pop off from the stress of keeping all this information in my head. One minute I am coordinating whether we will be receiving 200 or 400 chicken wings for the cast party and the next minute I am discussing negotiations with our attorney about my Mom's estate. It is difficult to explain other than to tell you that my teeth are clamped so tight I now have given myself jowls and I am certain I have worn away enamel on my teeth.
Here is the thing; throughout this process of negotiation with the attorneys for my Dad's widow (just saying widow increases the pressure on my jaw! I mean seriously they were married for three months and knew each other for maybe 6 months…whatever!), we have had to continually give them information. We are far more in the know (again I am saying we when I am just hanging from my sisters coat tails) about dates, amounts and incidents than they are. It is the most frustrating thing to constantly have to reply to them not knowing something or having some information with "Yes, here is the document that supports our position".
In the middle of this drama are people who keep inserting themselves into the process who have no idea what is going on and have been brain washed by my Dad. My Dad was a narssistic man and if you did not agree with him he had no time for you. I have one sibling that seemed so happy that Dad paid attention to her that she is now completely blinded of the fact that most of what he did was illegal or immoral. It is absolutely mind blowing how people can become involved in things that are morally and ethically wrong and not even bat an eye about it. It's just all in a day's work to them.
So here we are, Mom died in May 2009. My Dad never did his part to honor her trust or even inform her beneficiaries of their inheritance and instead used her money for his own gain. Then he died May of 2010. It is now 2012 and we are negotiating with someone he met and adulterer with a couple months before my Mom died about things she literally knows nothing about and this uninformed sibling is backing her up.
I am a walking ticking time bomb of unexpressed hostility! Well, that is a lie, I have expressed my hostility to my hubby, but he now just gets this distant glazed look that reminds me of someone on anti anxiety medication. I suspect that having the diversion of a party to plan this weekend helps keep me from screaming like a crazy person. I have to remain focused and together. There is the first show tonight and I am excited to see my girls perform and it will be a busy weekend over all. So after we have one more call today about estate stuff I will focus on the show and the preparations for the cast party. Hopefully, this knot in my neck will go away and I can unclench my teeth and relax my jowls for just a little while this weekend.
This weekend both of my girls are in a school play production. There are also 118 more high school students and 50 middle school students involved in this show. That makes a total of 170 kids. Last year when my girls were in the spring musical I approached the director to offer any last minute help she might need and she asked if I would contact a local restaurant about donating food for the cast party. I of course replied "SURE, no problem." So I handled the food procurement and that was that.
This year the director contacted me and asked if I would once again handle contacting this same restaurant about food and I replied "Sure, no problem" and I did. I have been working with the restaurant and I had offered to the director of the show that Mark (the hubby) and I would also pick it up. That was it, clean and simple, "Glad that's taken care of!" UNTIL, last night when Aly handed me 11 parent sign-up sheets and told me that these were the parents that had signed up to help. HELP? "Help what?" I asked. "Help with the cast party Mom, I don't know?" "Ms. Walls just handed me the sheets and asked me to give them to you!" There was about two more minutes of us snarping at each other because I was panicking and Aly was not appreciating my panic being dumped on her. At that point I decided I would just untwist my panties and throw on a pair of my big girl panties and step up to the plate…or party.
So here I am this morning emailing parents and fielding information and suggestions as I try to pull off a cast party in three days. No biggie, it is just 170 starving kids and 400 chicken wings, not a problem at all! Today not only am I going to have to mooch more food from local restaurants, I am going to have to stay calm and organize this moving target. In my defense, I was not actually volunteering, but in fairness to the director, I know when no one is stepping up to help you out even the tiniest offer of assistance is like a beacon lighting your way and you latch on. I guess I should be flattered, and perhaps after I recover from the initial shock I will be. Right now I am just getting my footing and hoping for clear (big girl panty wearing) sailing and thinking to myself "How do I get myself into these situations?"
I had a conversation with someone today and they shared some detailed frustrations about their step-child. My first reaction was to listen quietly and let the person vent. After several moments of venting I could tell that this was not your usual frustration with your kid kind of stuff, this was full blown hostility about issues that never seem to resolve themselves. This person was feeling underappreciated, unsupported and disrespected and they were past caring anymore.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not able to keep quiet when something is on my mind. If I have an opinion (and I always do) I share it. This might not be the best practice but if I do not share it I will end up like the person I was talking to and that is not OK with me. If I am upset or frustrated or mad it is important that (if possible) I resolve the issue as quickly as possible so that we can all move on. Listening to the frustrations and hearing how hard the person had tried to resolve the issues they were having with this step-child and how long they had been asking for support and how long they had not been getting it, promptly turned me from a listener to a talker…OH BOY, here we go.
Here is what I said and how I feel about parenting:
Parenting is work, it is not easy and it is hard enough figuring it all out, let alone trying to rally the troops for back up. At some point you have to give up the expectations that the support team is going to jump in with support. If they have not started supporting by now, you are on your own and you better start figuring this out before you end up in a PON (Parents Out Numbered) camp. To me it does not matter whose child it is, as long as they are in my care, my rules apply.
Carrying around this hostility is not okay, you have to put this child on notice that you are not the one that is going to be frustrated and unhappy anymore. The tables are turning and it is time for the discomfort to be on them. Yes, it is a lot of work and yes you are aggravated beyond belief and feeling all alone dealing with this little twerp, but you must care or why are you so frustrated? You are an important part of this kid's existence and honestly, maybe some in their face honesty is in order.
Every parent runs into days where they are ready to run away from home, and there are days when we look at our kids and even our spouses and really do not like them all that much, but when you realize that you do not like them at all, EVER, that sounds like this is more than just a little hump to get over. Sanity in parenting is a moving target and hope is fleeting many days, if where you live and who you live with is no longer your safe place to fall, what do you do?
My best piece of advice is that as parents we have to put on our own oxygen mask before we can help our kids. This person is in dire need of some self care and I am hoping they will take the time to pull back and take care of themselves. I talk tough, and honestly my kids have pushed me to the edge many times but I have never looked down the barrel of a difficult child. I was however a tough child and I hate to admit it now, but the thing that hit home the most for me was when someone, not family and not a friend, but someone outside the picture looked in and said "Hey, that might be okay at your house, but here, that is not okay!" "If you are going to behave that way you will have to go home." That was it no bye see ya later…nothing just a hit the road and that was it. That person essentially threw cold water in my face and said "wake up stupid, you are an ass!" and I remember it to this day.
All of this is a matter of opinion, my honest opinion. I have no idea if I am right, I just know that as parents we have to link arms and help each other through the raising of our children, because if one of us fails, a child fails too.
What's your opinion?
This last week the topic of forgiveness has been coming up a lot. For me it was first brought up at our church last weekend. Here is what I learned there…forgiving is what you do for you not the other person and to be forgiven, you must also be forgiving. Suddenly forgiveness mantras and conversations were coming up everywhere.
On a website that I have become addicted to PINTEREST I came across this Mantra that hit home with me:
We forgive others not because they deserve it,
But because we need peace.
My journey of forgiveness began in 2009 when my Dad shared with me that he was seeing another woman. My Mom was in a home for ailing women, suffering from Alzheimer's disease and my Dad felt that it was time to move on and date the woman that had cared for my Mom in their home. Not long after the announcement my Dad made to me, my Mom died and from there things went rapidly downhill, each poor decision by my Dad, put another crack in my heart until my heart finally broke with his announcement that he was breaking the family trust (put in place by my Mom and Dad) and leaving his portion to his new girlfriend that he married a month later. To add more weight to this anvil of pain, my Dad then died of Cancer four months later.
The day my Dad went into the hospital (where he would die two days later), I had a chance to tell him I loved him on the phone. In my heart I knew that although I did not like his actions and despite our years of an antagonistic relationship, he was family and that counted for something. My love for him was always tainted with me guarding my heart and learning to accept his narcissistic behaviors. I still to this day honor and respect the time that my parents were together and I believe that my Dad was sick in mind and body when he started making the choices that have torn apart our family even more than we already were.
All this brings me to this point; when do I let go of the hurt and sadness and finally rest? Is it possible to forgive and not forget? Is forgiveness really that important? This week, I realized that although I said I forgive my Dad, I was still remembering moment by moment of the pain and hurt. I have decided that remembering the pain is an important part of the forgiving. I have forgiven the action of hurt, but I remember the feeling. I feel that this is important. By remembering the feeling I can be more understanding towards others in pain and I can also remember that all actions have a reaction that affects someone, good and bad.
I am human and my Dad was human as well. His choices and his consequences are his to bear and by forgiving him for his choices, I release myself too. I will not forget, I will constantly be using that pain as my compass and map for my life. However I am free of the yoke of pain and hostility towards my Dad. I can forgive him and still hold him accountable.
There is peace in my heart and a lesson in my memory that will carry me for the rest of my life. I am grateful that I am open enough to let go of the hurt and focus on the healing that forgiving offers. I am also grateful that I can remember the pain and be able to share this story. There is quite possibly someone in your own life about to make a choice or decision that will require you to say "Father forgive them, they know not what they do". That ability to accept the pain and release the hurt is a lesson taught thousands of years ago and sometimes it takes a tap on the shoulder from an unexpected place to remind us how important forgiving really is.
Yesterday I blah blah blah'd about my writing and how I was so committed and today I have to tell you that along with not feeling so hot the next two days are a bit tight schedule wise so I am bailing until Saturday. Yes, I now have commitment issues, so laugh it up.
I tend to write in the mornings when things are quiet. When my morning schedule is busy my writing takes a back seat. On the days when I have it all together I might write the night before so that I am ready to go the next day. Since I am under the weather my energy level is not going to carry me far enough to pull off a night writing session today so you will have to hang on until Saturday morning. Hopefully by then I will have more to share with you than my woes of illness and time constraints.
I am fending off the blues and perhaps being busy will help. I would also enjoy a heavy dose of sunshine if possible. I see a little bit of sunlight peeking through the clouds so maybe today is my lucky day. Ask and you shall receive!
I look forward to Saturday when I can take a deep breath and hopefully write something more interesting. I am no less committed then I was a year or so ago, just a little overwhelmed right now. In the mean time, feel free to poke around and read some of my older blogs.
You may want to step back a little, I am about to toot my own horn and it might be loud. You see, today I just plain do not feel good. Nothing stands out, I am just tired, a little bit of a sore throat, a little achy and a little bit of a stuffy nose. OK, here comes the toot…I am still writing. I made a commitment to myself in 2009 to write everyday for a year and I am still going strong. Now let's not be petty and bring up the two or three days when I did not post because of scheduling conflicts, over all I have been very committed to my blog and my writing.
It is not easy to think when your body is in shut down mode. I am having a tough time pulling the energy together to even make sentences. My day with a full agenda is suddenly looking like a day with a cozy blanket and pillow and I am disappointed. I was moving about the last few weeks so proud and happy that I had remained healthy throughout the holidays and now BAM! I am hoping that a little down time today will help get me back on track.
Anyway, back to the commitment thing…originally I was writing so that I could heal from the loss of my Mom, but now it is more about staying connected to who I am and what I want to be. My commitment to my writing has helped me realize that when my heart is in it I can stay totally committed to just about anything, even when the chips are down and I feel rotten. As much as I would love to delve further into this, my eyes are droopy and my brain is not able to process my thoughts so…THAT'S ALL FOLKS!
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| "Kindly remove that camera from my face! When did you say every one will be home again?" |
Winter is normally snowy, blustery, icy and sloppy. Until this morning we have been spoiled with exceptionally mild weather. It has been somewhat warm (40 degrees Celsius range) and snow and ice free. Waking up to a thin layer of snow and ice on the roads and a 7 degree temperature has me diving for anything thick and warm that I can put on or layer up with. All I keep thinking is brrrrrrrrr!
Honestly, I think a day of hot cocoa and movies on TV with a warm blanket and my dog curled up next to me sounds fabulous. My heart is just not warm and toasty either. I am not depressed, just in need of a little mental vacation. I am feeling a bit underappreciated here at home and somehow I have myself convinced that if I give myself a day off it will all be better.
I think a few hours of me time is in order. I have a gift certificate from Christmas for a facial, so I may call to see if they can squeeze me in today. Why not? What a great way to start the "me" day! I will go call right now…
It is not looking to good, the woman that does the facials is booked up, but there may be a chance she can squeeze me in. I am excitedly waiting for them to call me back to let me know. Meanwhile I will get my sorry butt up and get this cold day going. There are things I can take care of here at home, I just do not want too. Everybody here is busy today and I just want to take advantage of not being needed. This does not happen that often I would be crazy not to make the best of it.
I will let you know tomorrow whether or not I thawed my heart and made the best of this winter day. I hope where ever you are you are safe and warm and happy! Today, why don't you do something nice for yourself too? You deserve it, you work hard and life is short and winter is long. All very good reasons to give some love to a very important person…YOU!
My year so far has entailed some challenging events. My Aunt Nina who made me laugh and told me stories about my family (her version, not necessarily the correct version) and also made me want to pull out my hair passed away. I became her executor in addition to the executrix position I already held for my Mom's estate. Aly had a second surgery to repair her tailbone since the first one did not take. In an act of self love my daughter Ashleigh left her husband and after no real attempt on his part to repair their marriage they divorced. Next there was my surgery and then the news we had been waiting for…Mark was laid off. This all came on the heels of losing both my parents one right after the other like a couple of dominos.
I may have missed a few things like all the phone calls about estate this or that and knock down drag outs with my daughter Ashleigh as I tried to wrap my head around what was happening in her life. There were the hours of crying over my Mom, Dad and Aunt dying. The worry about Aly healing, there was the endless stress about Mark finding a new job. There was the random daily child rearing dilemmas and the marriage dilemmas caused by my spiral away from reality into a humor sucking belief that I was never going to get back to the life I loved and be happy.
With all of this hanging out there I have decided to return to Therapy. That's right I am heading back to the couch and letting someone else sort out this mess in my head. I can no longer allow myself to feel this way. Therapy is not new for me I have been in one form of mind sharing or another since I was fourteen years old. This does not include the short time when I was younger and my Mom "got me some help" by taking me to a therapist and then would interrogate me all the way home and tell me why what I said was not right. As you read this you are probably thinking "What a whack job, I cannot believe I read her blog!" but let me assure you that to this day I believe that the therapy saved me from killing myself, killing my Mom, doing drugs and giving up and not caring about anyone or anything.
I actually highly recommend inviting someone into your private thoughts. It can be horrible throwing your inner most thoughts and pain out there for someone else to poke at and talk about, but it is worth every uncomfortable conversation when you finally feel like you can let yourself off the hook a little. It also helps me realize that my life with all its drama is really what life is about. I can throw all the icky uncomfortable stuff in a therapy blender and make it into a delicious acceptable life smoothie. It sort of like throwing spinach in your kid's fruit smoothie so that they do not know you are trying to make them healthy. Once it is all blended up you never know it is there.
So today I am off to blend a few deaths and estates, a little divorce (not mine, but since I really cared about the jerk that was mean to my daughter…I now have issues!) some surgeries, an unemployed spouse and a few other things tossed in for spice. I am looking forward to creating a delicious cocktail smoothie with a side of sanity. Therapy by the way is not clean or easy or pretty (there is always an ugly cry involved!) however, it is worth every minute and every dollar you spend to be able to suck down your life smoothie without gagging!
Money does strange things to people. Money can make life so much easier and at times not so easy at all. Right now I am the executor of two estates, my Great Aunt Nina's estate (who passed away last May 2011) and my Mom's estate (who passed away in May 2009). I know what you are thinking, "Wow, both in May?" Let me add to that that my Dad died in May of 2010 and you have the making of a movie of the week. Anyway back to the money thing.
In both of these estates we have enough characters to take that movie of the week and turn it into a miniseries or with a really good writer it might even make a good series. I have learned that people believe that the executor is the bad guy or gal in this case. You are working to make sure that the wishes of the deceased are honored and you have an heir beating their chest about mundane issues that have no bearing and making an already tough job more difficult. Mix in old family drama and wounded feelings and you have yourself a giant estate noose that tightens and loosens based on the heirs and their complaints.
In one case the heir is ticked off because a check that was sent was lost in the mail. I will give you the fact that it is aggravating and frustrating, but making demands and saying unkind things is going to turn against you, when people begin to catch on to your tactics and decide not to run around frantic when you fly off the handle. In another case the heir is suspicious and feeling out of the loop about things that are out of our control. Old family dynamics are rearing their ugly heads and assumptions are being made on every side that are not true.
In the end it is all about M-O-N-E-Y. Here is the thing, money will not find the missing check and money will not fix the hurt feelings or change the family dynamic. The people involved have to do the fixing and as long as one side is beating down the other side all you will end up with is a hostile circumstance that includes finger pointing, berating, and very hurt feelings. This is not an ideal working environment for anyone, even a lowly executor.
I tell my girls all the time that we are always where we are suppose to be, that God has a plan and we must see it through or we will face the same plan in a new and different (or more challenging) way. Our job is to learn what we are supposed to learn and move on. This is what I have learned so far;
I made myself a promise this weekend to hold my head high and believe that (as I always have) I am honoring the memory of my heirs by performing this service. I cannot allow the hostility of people who have not walked through their life lessons yet to make me hostile too. Money does strange things to people and it somehow makes some people lose sight of what really matters. I am working hard at trying to keep my head above the hostility and getting these estates resolved and distributed, believe me that will be the best thing for everyone involved. In the mean time I am learning some great negotiating skills.
It is the time of year when I realize that the holiday bad habits are having an effect on me. Case in point, SUGAR! I am normally a pretty focused person when it comes to diet and exercise. I eat healthy food and show great regard for portion control throughout the year and then suddenly from Thanksgiving until the ball drops in Times Square on New Years it is a free for all of unhealthy food and beverage decisions.
I find myself looking in the mirror when I dress or brush my teeth and even when applying my makeup and sneering with disgust. "Look at you!" I think to myself, "You disgust me!" "Have you no self control?" I actually think that when I sweat the sweat pours out of my body like syrup. I am also aware of a doughy feeling sort of like the Pillsbury Dough Boy only doughier and more feminine.
This is my official announcement that I am aware of the situation and I will be taking action to get this situation under control. I am not going to lie to myself and try to quit sugar cold turkey. I am however going to make an effort to remove the temptation from the house. I did pitch a hand full of M&M's in the trash this morning. I had pulled the bag out to throw them into chocolate chip cookies for the girl's lunches and there were a few M&M's left in the bottom of the bag. I had begged my children to eat them or give them away, but I think they are intentionally working against me. Perhaps they are hoping for a jolly Mrs Claus like Mom.
I am fully aware this is my responsibility and I also am aware that as soon as I announce that I am not going to eat sugar anymore, or drink wine or…well you get the idea, I crack and basically throw myself onto whatever the trigger item is to keep it safe. I double up on my consumption and end up sneering even more at my syrup dripping doughy self with complete distain. They only possible way out of this cycle is a slow steady trudge uphill shedding one ounce of sugar sweat at a time.
Today I hope to stand tall and face the mirror knowing full well that this is a one day at a time process. There is only one person that can take charge of this and since Mark will not help me, I am going to have to step up to the plate…"Oh, wait not the plate…is that an M&M cookie?" I have my work cut out for me, but I am confident that when the chips are down…"Oh chips! I love chips…those are not sweet at all!" Anyway, today is the day and who knows what will happen. One thing is for sure I need to PUT THE SUGAR DOWN!
Have you ever had someone tell you something about yourself that you never realized, something simple or more in depth that someone else can see, but you cannot? Sometimes well intentioned friends or family may tell you things that they see that you do not believe are true, other times these same people have you scratching your head thinking "Hmm, am I really?"
I have had the opportunity over the years to have many people share their insights about me. There have been times that I thought these people did not know me at all and other times when a simple comment opened up a little piece of me that I did not even know was there.
Listening to others when it comes to who you are is tricky business, especially if the well intentioned person is off track and you happen to be having one of those days where you would take any suggestion someone has for you. After many false positives from others, I am finally comfortable enough that I can hear a suggestion and tweak it to work in my favor. It was not an easy path mind you, I have been cajoled into bad hair styles, a very bad marriage (my first husband, not my current) and some not so pretty events where I was bolstered by alcohol and victim to poor reasoning skills.
I now know that I can be who I am and if who I am does not work for someone else, that's OK. It's not that I want to shed people from my life, but I want to be sure that I honor myself and what I need and pay attention to the little voice inside me that lets me know when I am not being the real me. I have (my family firmly agrees with this) strong feelings about many things. I have little concern for technical things- even though I love technology, just show me how the thingy works and then leave me be. I really have no interest in taking over Apple so if the little knowledge I have keeps me going with my cell phone, computer and now my IPad, that is good enough for me. I like dressing up and I many times over dress. I like feeling like I can run into anyone and not feel like I just rolled out of bed. I also have had the bad fortune of trying the whole "quick trip" to the store with my lounge pants and hoodie and no make-up and have come face to face with someone I know. Others can do this and are comfortable enough with who they are to make it work. I am weak and honestly quite frightening in reality and it is best to stick with the façade.
One last thing about myself that bugs many of my friends -but it is how I feel- I love to write, but do not think I am honestly very good at it nor do I understand why anyone would read what I write. I do however write from my heart and I honor what I believe in my writing.
This is who I have learned I am on my own and with help. I am someone that thinks deeply, speaks openly and honestly, loves people and travel and also loves writing. I am also someone that has no patience for deceit or manipulation. I love being a Mom and mothering, and I will probably end up mothering my children to death until the day I die! Finally, you should know that due to the afore mentioned bad marriage I absolutely cannot tolerate liars. That is who I believe I am, who are you?
I love the sun. I love a beautiful sunny day, whether it is warm or cold the sun makes my day. This morning as I look out my window at 7:30AM, it is still gray and murky and I find myself struggling for energy and I believe that it is the fact that the sun is nowhere in sight. My life is in turmoil right now, and I find myself looking in random unused parts of my brain for calming and energizing outlets. I need to feel centered and clear headed and at the same time be energized enough to be emotionally and physically available. Since there is no sun in sight I have chosen to light a candle and gaze at its warm light.
Our lives require endless amounts of energy these days. Not only are our schedules filled to the brim, we own every possible gadget that requires being connected to an energy source to sustain it. If we can take the time to connect a cell phone or computer to a much needed source of energy to recharge, why is it so hard to offer that same boost to ourselves?
Yesterday I took some time to recharge my emotional battery by having coffee and talking with a friend, over the weekend I connected with another friend that has tolerated me for the last twenty five years and today I plan to do a little baking which always seems to center me. I have chosen to make an effort to offer myself enough energy to keep me up and running. If the sun is not going to shine, maybe it is up to me to shine up my insides and glow from the inside out.
It would be nice if there were charging stations for people that were as easily accessible as the ones that are cropping up for cars in many cities, or even outlets that were open for us to plug into like we do our laptops and phones. Since we are not inanimate objects and we are able to think for ourselves, the responsibility for our energy falls to us. Recharging ourselves is always at the bottom of the list, yet it is probably the most important. There is no convenient outlet ready and waiting for us to plug into.
A warm glow from a candle and a walk in the crisp winter air may do the trick. A batch of warm cookies and a yummy dinner prepared to warm my family from the inside out on this cold winter day are all good starts to making a little energy go a long way. Somewhere in the turmoil is a centered place and with a little work I will make my way to an energy source so that my battery is low light will stop flashing.
I am just curious, what recharges your battery?
This morning two groggy girls, one eager Mom and a sleepy Dad are up preparing to start the second half of the school year. Actually we have about two more weeks in the first semester, but for some reason after the holidays it always feels like we are on a downhill slope towards the end of the school year. The end of the year train is pulling out of the station and everyone on board has different emotions about it.
The perspective of the slope we are on is different depending on who you are. If you are Aly, you are preparing for the final few months of your senior year. There are scholarship exams at colleges, plays at the school and classes to make her way through to graduate. In addition there will be Prom dress shopping, Senior Prom in the spring, and finally graduation. Also included in the final months of high school is the college decision. We are still waiting on two schools to wave their magic wand and let us know if she is excepted or not and then she will have to decide where she would like to go spend the next four years of her life.
If you are Avery, you are just happy. There are no major decisions this year except for whether or not to work on your driving skills. Avery turns sixteen in the spring and I would like nothing more than for her to finish her practice driving hours so that she can take her driving test and get her driver's license. I have encouraged, threatened, offered bribes and acted like it is her problem not mine and nothing has worked, so I am now going to my fallback position of letting it go. Avery will drive someday, she will have to. When she does drive, it will be her choice and her energy behind the wheel of the car. There is no room for two people behind the wheel of a car, so other than having her drive when she needs to be somewhere, I have to just back off.
Mark is diligently working on finding a new job. He has redone his resume and he is visiting recruiters. Mark is doing everything he can to get back to work and out of this house full of woman. It is refreshing to have him home more, but I know he would like to get back to work. The truth is he has been under so much stress with his old job that this break has been good for him. His shoulders are not so knotted and he is much more relaxed then he has been in a very long time. That being said, he is going nuts because he likes working and he also knows that I would like to paint my basement, so the sooner he finds work the better.
These next few months will fly by. Hopefully there will be a resolution to the disagreements over my Mom's estate, but I am steady at the helm and prepared to honor her wishes "come hell or high water" as my Mom used to say. I will be traveling to college campuses for exams and shopping for Prom dresses, applauding at Choir concerts and school plays. I will also be a passenger in the car that my youngest is driving and I will be cheering on my husband as he finds a new job. Something tells me that my hill will have a steeper slant then anyone else's. That of course is my perspective and it will be different for each of us as we make our way down hill.
Have you ever prayed so hard for a situation in your life to go a certain way and then had it go the opposite direction? At the time the opposite direction feels like a failure. You think you are a failure and you are kicking yourself and you are angry that your prayer was not answered. We have all been there. The interesting part is when what seemed so wrong, suddenly becomes all right. The unanswered prayer many times is our answer.
I find myself wondering how to be grateful when there seems little to be grateful for and then the phone rings or an email comes from a friend. There is a cold frozen breeze outside and the sun sparkles on the snow and I realize that the sun has lightened my steps. I feel lonely and my dog Roxanne jumps in my lap and shares her puppy love with me. Sometimes it is the little things that give me the boost I need to get over the hump, by looking for gratitude in the unexpected.
Last night I asked my husband Mark what he was grateful for from the day. I had expected him to say something like, you, or my life, but instead he said "spaghetti". I laughed out loud realizing that having spaghetti for dinner had made his day. My gratitude yesterday came from spending time with a dear friend that I had not seen in sometime, reconnecting and reaffirming that our friendship was something special.
While I am grateful for the life I live and the blessings I have been given, it is easy to lose sight of those things when you are knee deep in life. The daily grind of everyday living can wear you down until you no longer see anything worth being grateful for. I have decided to challenge myself to look for moments of gratitude in each day. Some gratitude's will be small seemingly insignificant moments like spaghetti. But it is those small moments when there is a whisper of snow glistening in the sun or snuggle from your dog that you get a glimpse of joy. That joy that small moment in time is worth grabbing on to and recognizing, if for no other reason than to keep you focused on your blessings.
Today as you step out into your life remember that the prayer you are saying may go the way you hope it will or it just might go in a different more blessed direction. Be open to the path your life takes and be prepared to be grateful regardless of the direction. While you are pondering your gratitude's take a minute to write them down. At the end of the day that one small glimmer of grace might be all that carries you the distance.
So, what are you grateful for today?
Eat, drink and be merry! That has been the theme of the last couple of weeks and I am ready to stop plying my body with every calorie known to man and get back to caring for myself and my body. I have some major repair work to do.
I have enjoyed a variety of cookies, beverages and candies. I might have had even more candy if my dog Roxanne had not helped herself to the box of truffles a friend gave me. No need to worry she is fine and her body rejected her holiday treat all over my living room rug. I have also had cheesy potatoes and Cheese balls and cheese puffs. The first officially nutritious meal I have had in a while was last night when I made spaghetti for my family.
The holidays bring challenges for me since I am a grazer and during the holiday season there are usually counters and buffets filled with delicious choices. I move from one platter to the next eating, eating and eating some more.
It is time to get back to real life and real eating and oh yeah…exercising. The being merry schedule has taken its toll. I have some repair work to do and I am ready to get at it. Of course I am going to wait until tomorrow to get back to working out and I have a couple more holiday snacks I should finish off, but after that, I mean business!
