Knowing Better

I remember when I was younger, playing games with my friends yelling out “DO OVER”, when the game or activity I was playing did not go as expected. It was always nice knowing I had that cushion or second chance to get it right. I could make a mistake or miss the chance to jump in during jump rope and get a break with those two simple words. Well, we are not kids anymore and when we mess up yelling “DO OVER!” just does not cut it. You don’t follow through or say what needs to be said or even say the wrong thing and you do not get a second chance.

Parenting is one valley where you enter going forward and you stay going forward. There is no backing up to unsay the hurtful comment or support when you did not support the first time. Those moments do not get second chances. As children we may not realize when the moment happens, but as we get older we become wiser and the hurt cuts us like a knife. Quickly and unexpectedly we realize when we were let down by our parents and no matter how hard they try there is no way to do it over.

Having lost both of my parents in the last few years, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my life with them and at times remembering the hurts. I heard a comment recently “If you know better, you do better” and I have taken this as my personal call to arms. I can no longer stand by pointing backwards holding my parents accountable for the things that are lacking in my own parenting when I know full well what I need to change and choose to do nothing about it. I know better and I must do better.

My job as a parent has already started to change, with one daughter grown and on her own, one in college and the other with one year of high school left, I am running out of time to make changes in my parenting, but there are days still when I do know better, but just cannot stop myself from saying or doing things that I cannot take back. The one thing that I know for sure is that no matter what, all of my chastising, critiquing, advice and “input” comes out of my love and concern for my children’s well being.

I realize now that although I cannot “DO OVER” what I have already done, I can pay attention and get it right the next time. I also realize that parenting is not a game. Parenting is a never ending string of misses and mistakes that we work on cleaning up every day. There is no perfect parent or family or person, we all just muddle through with whatever gifts we were given and hope it is enough to give our own children what they need to have a good life.

Today I am releasing the hurts from my parents; there is no need to hang on to those burdens. I now know that they did the best they could with what they knew. They showed there love in their own way and now that they are gone, I can step away from my expectations of them and realize that they needed my love as much as I needed theirs. I also know that by doing just a little bit better, my children will not have to work so hard to know they are loved and cared for. There may be days when my children carry hurt that I dealt them and there is no way to take that back or do it over and I won’t get a second chance, but I plan to walk away knowing better.

Excited or Not That is the Question

In about two and a half weeks, my youngest Avery and I will be joining her AP English class on a trip to England. We will travel the country from top to bottom ending in London where we will stay for 3 nights before heading home. I know this is a trip of a lifetime, something not everyone can do. Because this trip is something special, I am asked this question very often; “Are you getting excited?”

I am not quite sure how to explain to people that I am not excited at all. It is not that I am unhappy about going or worried about going, I am just not ramping up my expectations about this trip. I know that England has so much history and beauty; I know that their culture and accents are different from ours and I also know that English food and lifestyles are a bit different from ours. The issue is that over time I have realized that sometimes my excitement turns an event into something bigger than it is in my mind and then I feel let down when my over extended expectations are not met. For this reason I remain unmoved at the thought of visiting Shakespeare’s birthplace or the home of the Bronte sisters or The Roman baths.  

Now before you get completely annoyed with me I should tell you that as the day of departure nears I am carefully plotting what I will bring. I have booked a room for myself rather than sleeping with Avery, so that she can have the experience of traveling with her friends and so that I can also have some time to myself. This might be hard to believe, but while I am a social person and love to talk to people, I use my alone time to recharge and reflect. I need the time to keep myself going, that time will be especially necessary when traveling with a large group for ten days.

As I write this I find my heart racing just a little and a few butterflies flitting about in my tummy, so maybe I am beginning to show signs of some excitement after all. Just a couple weeks from now I will begin my packing and preparations for a trip I never thought I would take. Hopefully my excitement will begin to grow just enough that I am looking forward to going, but not enough to rush the trip along, sort of a happy medium, so that when I am asked “Are you getting excited?” I can say, “Yes I am!”

Uphill in Tandem

Picture this, you are riding a bike and you see a large hill ahead. As you get closer to the hill you have a decision to make so that you can get up and over the hill to continue on your ride, do you pedal faster and faster burning all of your energy or do you pedal with strong strides? I have done both on bike rides and in life.

In my life I have feverishly worked to get through something, pouring all of my energy and resources into getting up my personal hill only to find that at the top, I cannot enjoy my triumph. After expending all of my energy the top of the hill means nothing since I am crumbled to the ground trying to recover from the fast paced giddy up and go that got me to where I wanted to be.

On other occasions I have taken long thoughtful strides, leaning in a little, breathing deeply and looking about me at all the sights and sounds around me as I tackled my challenge. When I reached my goal I was tired, grateful and happy but not burnt out. I was also aware that my challenge seemed less challenging when I did not fear it or worry about it. I handed my hill over to God and the ride went more smoothly. I was not alone and this gave me more confidence and strength.

I know that many times I have just taken on a challenge and thought, “I've got this, I don’t need help.” Only to realize too late that God is not offering help, he is offering life. His plan has never been to be our help, just to be used like an oxygen mask or air bag. God wants to be in tandem with us riding along on every ride.

It’s easy to look ahead and see the challenge and forget that you don’t have to go alone, we have all done that. You get in your zone, put your head down and go for it. The question is why carry all the burden when you have love and support ready and waiting any time you need it?

I have spent much of my life trying to prove how strong I am and how much I can handle on my own, pedaling faster and harder each time. Now I realize that I was never really on my own, I just chose not to accept the helpful hand that was reaching out to me. The truth is God loves us so much and knows us so well; we have nothing to prove to Him, we are trying to prove to ourselves how mighty we are.

The next time you are faced with a hill of challenge in your life you will have a decision to make, I hope you will stop for a moment and pick up a passenger. You will just have to trust me when I tell you that it will actually lighten your load. Just slow down, wave God on, let go and trust. It will be a much smoother ride.

Blog Delay

I am planning on writing later today since I have been on the go since early this morning. I hope you will stop by later and read my blog. Have a great day!

Sent from my iPad

Teacher Teach Thyself

This parenting gig is overrated! I stand before you this morning scratching my head wondering why I even try to talk to my children about anything. Anything I say gets tossed out until they run into trouble and then suddenly they are remorseful and claiming they will remember this moment when they realized I am not so dumb after all and listen to me next time. Hmmm, probably not!

Once again, I am watching one of my children walk boldly into a mistake and all I can do is stand by asking leading questions that I hope will prompt a reality check. So far this plan is not working. All my leading questions have accomplished is the chance to see another scoffing look and a rising stress level.

You know those movies and television shows where you see the person getting ready to do something stupid and you are yelling in your head and sometimes at the show “NO, DON’T DO IT!” well, picture me doing that in my head as I try to pretend like I don’t care that my child is being stupid… “You will have to figure it out”, I say to my said stupid child while all the while I want to leap up grab their shoulders and shake them into thinking straight.

You know how the saying goes that you learn best from your mistakes? Well, my continuous attempt at protecting my children from those lessons has resulted in them coming up with more crazy schemes and even more mistakes they would like to try again. I am sure it is obvious to you by now that my batch of apples do not fall far from their Mother’s tree. I never seem to learn that no matter what I say, these children will trot right back into whatever mess they have left behind. Which is exactly what I do when I once again attempt to steer them away from a signed sealed and delivered mistake. So in the end, I am really no better than my bunch of apples am I?

This is not going to be easy, but I am going to have to stand by and watch this life lesson take place. Then I will have to act surprised and sad when what I thought would happen does happen. This is a case of teacher, teach thy self. Again, this parenting gig is overrated! 

Downhill with an Uphill Attitude

This morning has not gone all that smoothly. I have over filled our pond and I am afraid the fish will swim out and over tightened the “thingy” on the pool and broke it so now water is coming out. I was able to shove some towels in the filter to slow it down until I can get to the pool store this morning, but let us just say that my first try at being home while Mark works out of state is not going well.

This comes on the heels of me waiting to find out where the heck my signed estate documents are that I sent priority mail last Friday. I expected they would arrive on Monday, but…nope! The tracking shows that the documents arrived in New Orleans on Sunday, sooooooo…where are they?

I am doing my best to try to remain calm but everything I attempt to do has seemed to turn into a fiasco. I was so worried about showing Mark that I could handle things here so he would not worry and all ready I have made to desperate calls over the stupid pool, AGH!

That’s all I have this morning, I have to shower and head to the pool store to buy the $40 dollar part that I broke. Not sure where to go from here, but I am going to attempt to make it a better day. I hope your day is going better than mine has so far, but if not hang in there.

4 Years

Four years ago today my Mom passed away. I can still remember when I was in my early twenties and struggling through my divorce, my Mom saying “Wait five years and everything will be different”. At the time all I could think was “FIVE YEARS?!” Five years seemed like such a long time and I really thought I would never make it, but somehow I did. From that point on when times were tough I would throw my five year safety net out and make my way through whatever trial I had in front of me.

Looking back these last four years, I can still remember yelling out in my car, the day after my Mom passed   “Mom, I will make this all right. I don’t know how or when, but I will make it all ok”. I still have another year inside my five year safety net, but so far it seems things are getting better. All of the final estate papers are signed and mailed and we are just waiting for my envelope to arrive at the attorney’s office. Apparently, my priority envelope which was suppose to arrive Monday was touring New Orleans, but looking at the tracker it looks like it should finally get there today. The delay just adds more suspense to an already stressful situation.

In the last four years I have lost my Mom, a year later my Dad and then the following year my Great Aunt Nina who I was caring for. All three passed in May and now here we are in May again looking at the end of the estate battle. What will the next year hold in this five year cycle? There is no telling, but there is so much life left to live and so many blessings yet to come.

My Mom is part of who I have become and I cherish every quirky thing that I am. I can now look back and see where she loved me. I stopped carrying the burden of my troubled childhood a long time ago. I know my Mom did the best she could and I also know that I was able to do better and I believe I have. I recently had a conversation with a friend that had lost her Mom. Throughout the years we had always lamented to each other our dissatisfaction with our mothers and how we were raised. When we spoke recently we both marveled at how our tune had changed after losing them. Without even realizing it our mothers had left their mark of love. When we were younger, it was not the mark we wanted or hoped for, but now that they are gone we cherish the value of the mark they have left behind.

No one sets out hoping for time to pass and change things. Most of us look out starry eyed at the future and think nothing but the best, but on the off chance that you are looking out over a troubled time and you cannot see an end in sight I can offer you that simple but lasting piece of advice my Mom shared all those years ago “wait five years and it will all be different”.

A Husband with Less Stress

This morning Mark left for his last day of work at his current job, he climbed in the car and took his last stressful hour long drive to our metro area. It was a calm low intensity morning with my happy husband and you could feel the relief in the air. After over a year of ups and downs in this stressful and unfulfilling job he is free. I am proud of my husband, he did not like his job, but he always gave 120% of himself every single day. He leaves this job with people sorry to see him go. He did not like it, but he gave it his best and he is now respected and will be missed. That is a big deal!

What a great example to our children that in spite of the stress and frustration he hung in there until something better came along. It was not easy, he had his crazy wife griping about the ridiculous expectations they placed on their employees, this on top of the ridiculous expectations from work. You figure he had to feel like he was squeezed in a vice. I am lucky he did not go crazy.

There is nothing better than seeing your husband calm and happy. Because I am who I am though I felt the need to caution him that (my favorite fortune cookie phrase) “Every job has its dirty dishes.” The plus side is that he knows these dishes and they are comfortable. I am sure if his company had not moved to Atlanta, he would have still been there plugging away. In the end even my fortune cookie wisdom cannot bring him down.

So after a couple of days off Mark will head to Atlanta and the next phase for us will begin. Mark and I are going to take a night away on Sunday, so I will not be writing Monday morning, but on Tuesday I will share with you some more exciting news. It seems our Ferris wheel is flying high and we are going to take some time to enjoy the ride. Ahhhh it feels good to have less stress!

Seeing the Truth

I had a tough conversation with my oldest daughter the other day. My daughter is a busy gal; she works full time and also spends time each day going to her local gym, all this on top of her single girl social life. Let’s just say she is always on the go. When my daughter moved out she took her dog Louis to live with her. Over the last few months I grew concerned about Louis and how he was holding up living with my girl on the go. This prompted me to invite him to join my daughter during her visit with us on Mother’s Day.

After the delicious Brunch and girl time shopping trip we were heading home and I asked my daughter if she would mind if Louis spent the night at our house. I explained that I would enjoy the time with him and it would give him a little company too. My daughter accepted my offer and then shared how worried she has been about him. She said she works so much and many times comes home to find his puppy toys everywhere and him eager to play while she is exhausted and not sure she can do another thing.

This is when the hard part started. My daughter was feeling sad because she wanted so badly to care for her dog, but her life right now just does not have room for a dog. She said she felt like a failure. My opinion was that a failure would not recognize the unfairness of the situation for the dog and continue the arrangement even though it was not the right one. The most important part is to see the truth and move forward from there.

Our home now has two dogs. Our lives are already integrated into pet life with our dog and two cats. We have always enjoyed caring for Louis and in the end Louis living here is the best thing for him and also for my daughter. The decision was hard for her and I really did not want her to feel badly but we have worried about Louis being alone so much. Dogs are social beings and being a social being myself, I know it is hard on me when there is nothing social happening in my life and I can only imagine it is the same for Louis. Seeing the truth is the easy part, making the change is the tough part and doing what is right is its own reward.

Frost

Yesterday morning we woke up to frost. This frost came on the heels of a week’s worth of warm sunny weather and was not well received here at Casa Beadle. We are done with being cold and wearing sensible close toed shoes. Our little piggies were enjoying being free, walking about in flip flops and cute open toed shoes. Rushing back to covered toes had not been on our agenda. In addition to our chilly toes my concern rose over my plants in the yard that had just begun to stretch out towards the sun and bud. Last year an aggressive frost wilted and damaged many of my favorite plants and caused some to make the decision to not even bloom. I was not going to let that happen again, I was going to do everything in my power to save as many as I could from Jack Frost.

All of the weather men and weather channels were cautioning about the frost and I took their caution seriously. In the past I have never paid much attention to these cautions but after last year’s Frost Fest that caused havoc in the yard I decided it would be best to take action. I ran to my computer and immediately Googled protecting plants from frost and got busy.

My family who is use to my nutty ways did not even think twice when I grabbed all of my sheets from the closet and set about covering my yard as best I could. As my youngest daughter and husband followed me around I shouted out orders like a General going into battle. I was not going to give up without a fight; no plant was going to be lost on my watch. We went about the yard clamping sheets and bracing them with rocks, the front of my house looked like the remains of a Klu Klux Klan get together. It was not pretty, but the most important part was my plants were safe.

 I went about the business of gathering the sheets up yesterday morning and struggled to not feel embarrassed and foolish as my neighbors all left for work. It was like the day after the frost walk of shame. There I was pulling sheets off plants, rolling them in a ball and carting them away. This was not a pretty sight. It was worth the work and embarrassment since many plants were saved and will live to bud again. Today I am busy willing the sun to come back and grace us with its presence. The sun would make this mountain of sheets that I am washing and folding seem like a lighter load.

All that being said, I would do it all again if it meant my buds would bloom! Sadly, I did not think to take pictures for you to delight in until it was too late so you will just have to picture the whole fiasco in your head. Think sheets of many different colors, styles and sizes, mounded over plants with metal clamps and rocks to keep them secure in the wind. Now just smile and hope for some sun for me will you please? 

Mothers Day

Yesterday was Mothers Day. Each year this one day is cause for great anxiety and disappointment at my house. Most of my family is not skilled at planning, which means that I usually spend Mothers Day wishing it was the day after Mothers Day and we had all moved on. There is the awkward waiting for something to happen since with no planning there is nothing happening or the family gathers around waiting for me to tell them what I “want to do today”.

Yesterday my oldest daughter (who inherited my planning gene) took the reins and guided my other girls in making a breakfast/brunch. It was delicious and pleasant and not the slightest bit awkward and uncomfortable. In addition to my oldest daughter taking the lead, I also dropped my expectations. The saying goes that the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I decided to stop acting crazy and expecting my non planning family to suddenly plan, I mean they did ask what I wanted to do for Mothers Day which was much better than nothing at all.

It is a constant battle for me to give up my expectations. I know what my family can handle and planning is not high on their list. Expecting them to change for Mothers day every year only ends up making me disappointed and sad. It also does not help when you hear others share surprise and delight at their Mothers Day bounty on the social media sites either. That alone can put a painfully expectant mother into a tail spin. Better to just prepare for the worst and be pleased with any thoughtfulness at all.

In the end it was a wonderful day because that is what I wanted. I had no desire to feel badly or disappointed, so I just didn’t. I ate my delicious brunch and when quizzed about what I might want to do the rest of the day I decided to go shopping with my girls. We spent a few hours poking in several stores and enjoying our girl time together then came home and had a nice dinner prepared by my husband Mark. In the end not having expectations and offering up some suggestions on what I would like to do on “My day” did help make this one of the better Mothers Days I have had. So that will be my new recipe for success in the years to come, no expectations and a little bit of input. This is much better than disappointment, anxiety and stress any day! 

Back to Business

You don’t need to say anything I know you are disappointed that I have not written in a week. Honestly, so am I. I started writing a long explanation this morning, but deleted it. It was boring and no one really cares. You come here to read the goings on and the random thoughts that I write and reading my laundry list of reasons why last week was an epic fail on my life list of writing moments is not going to entertain you. Let us just agree that I was busy and writing was not going to happen. It was a disappointment for all of us.

Within all the business there were a few exciting items. The first one was that my husband Mark has a new job. This would be the job that I was lamenting about…you know the one where he will work from home and I will be held accountable for all my comings and goings. Yeah, that job. The big picture is that he is happy and he will not have an hour drive back and forth each day and hopefully much less work stress.

The other exciting news is that FINALLY the papers to finish my Mom’s estate have been drafted and we are now waiting on everyone’s signatures. After three years of fighting to make things right I am hoping to be done. The ironic part was the papers came out on the date of my Dad’s death and there is a good chance that we will be able to disperse to the beneficiaries around the date of my Mom’s death. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

One other piece of excitement was that my youngest, Avery was reelected as President of her class with her girlfriend and Co-President. It was a stressful few weeks here as we dealt with what we consider inequities, but we pushed through and Avery one. I am glad now that I heeded Avery’s request and stayed out of it. It was not easy, I do not like to see my daughter stressed and upset. Honestly, no good would have come from my stepping into what I perceived as unfair. Parenting is not easy you want to help your children as much as you can but sometimes what we consider helping really does not help at all.

Next week looks pretty good, so I should be able to get back to business and write. I am sure by now you have realized that I write for me as much as I write for you, so when I cannot write all these crazy thoughts I have store up in my brain in a jumble and it’s not too pretty in there. 

Stress Wheel

Letting go of stress and worry is never easy. Sometimes I think that when one load of stress dissipates, another starts to develop. There is a constant rotation of one stress or another at varied degrees of intensity. Some stress is mine and some of the other stress comes from my loved ones who are also part of my stress rotation. My mind lately is like a Ferris wheel, where there is stress on the high end and stress on the low end…round and round it goes.

I am working hard to let go of the stress. When you think about it, there will always be things that stress you. It’s not like stress will ever disappear from our lives, stress is just part of life and it is what you do with it that matters, not the stress it’s self. Is it possible to let go completely of worry and concern?

I know that people are meant to evolve so it makes sense that through worry and strife we learn and change…hopefully. After we get a handle on the worry and concern, the Ferris wheel turns and a new more challenging event begins. If you are lucky perhaps the big stress is actually small in comparison to past stress.

I only bring this whole topic up because my Ferris wheel is turning and I am very alarmed at where it will stop next. I am really trying to be open minded and let the chips fall where they may, but my need to control makes the ride a little bumpy. I want to know that life has my back and that life is good with giving me a stress break, but we all know that is not going to happen…but I am trying to turn over a new leaf, so let’s just say that I will remain cautiously optimistic.