In May 2009 (ten years ago) my Mom passed away. One year later my May 2010 my Stepfather passed away and the following year May 2011 my Great Aunt Nina whom I was helping care for died at they age of 93. First of all lets talk about the elephant in the room. MAY... I honestly could not have taken one more death in May. On top of it being unbelievable, it is also the month my youngest daughter was born. That was a joyous occasion. Not so joyous was telling her on her 13th birthday that her Papa had died that very day. Kind of dampened the mood of our young teenager.
Along with these deaths came the job of obtaining things that were meaningful family items. In the case of my Mom and My Great Aunt, there was an over abundance of items that were part of our family for generations. Quilts that my Grandma and Great Grandma had made. The chest from 100 years ago that held handmade table clothes and Quilts. A painting that a Great great aunt had painted that was handed down over and over. Fur coats, jewelry, real and not so real. Books, a set of my Grandma’s china and pictures...lots and lot of pictures. This was just the tip of the iceberg that became my weight to bare.
When Aunt Nina passed I found myself relying on people to help me figure out what to do next, that... in hind sight probably did not serve our best interests, but I already had so many items still stored in my home from my Mom that I could not bring more here. But I did.
Now, 10 years later I feel the weight of the generations gone before me bearing down on me. I have so many items here that I feel responsible for that none of my children want. I was an only child and my two cousins live out of state and their relationships with my grandparents were not typical relationships. They had no need or desire for much that was left behind. SO here I stand buried in my family museum.
The actual weight of these things is burying me alive. I am stranded here surrounded by handmade Cathedral window quilts, books, Hand knit coats (that weigh as much as me) and so so much more. Everyone else has moved on from that 3 years of death and I am still weighed down with the responsibility of the belongings that my family left behind and the deaths. I want so much to be the girl that decides “Not my circus, not my monkey’s”. I’m not that girl.
I had teddy bears made for my 3 girls out of Grandma’s Mink coat and I’m slowly pulling out all of these items and trying to make something out of them or giving them away. Mainly right now, I’m just ready to move on. I’m tired of feeling guilty for not wanting these things and oddly I’m quite jealous of my girls who have said “No Thank you”. Our world no longer deals in heirlooms and tradition the same way. We have so much literally at our finger tips in one or two days if we want it. We can look at someone we love while talking to them on the phone or send them a message half way across the world and get a response seconds or minutes later. None of us looks back much anymore...except those of us carrying the family legacy like an anvil.
Somehow I need to separate myself from the idea that saving all of these family pieces is my job. This will not be a “POOF its gone” kind of thing. I am pretty sure the first step to detaching from what I guess I’ll call “The Stuff” is releasing the guilt. Guilt is heavy all by it’s self so letting go of the idea that somehow I’m letting my entire lineage down by not keeping every item they left behind would be a big deal. I’m one person holding on to guilt that dates back generations. Come on, do you really think Great Great Aunt Grace is going to be mad at me when I meet her on the other side because I didn’t keep her painting? Just writing about this is making me cry, thats how bloody traumatic it is! The weight is absolutely unbearable anymore. I don’t want this actual burden in my life and I’m determined to move out from under it. I will let you know how all this turns out. For now lets assume that my new mantra should be...
“NOT MY STUFF, NOT MY PROBLEM”
Yeah...Good luck with that!
