Day 281 The Perfect Mom Project

Memorial Day 2010

Today we honor the memories of the soldiers who lost their lives fighting for our country. Most of us will spend the day with family and friends eating, drinking and making merry. For our family we are headed to the memorial parade in our town and then breakfast at a friend's house that lives along the parade route. This is a tradition for my girlfriend and her family that we are honored to be a part of. I appreciate the chance to remember the fallen soldiers and applaud the soldiers that march through our town. This is also a chance to share a little bit of the wonderful small town life we live with my family.

 I am working hard to snap out of the slump I am in. It is affecting my life with my husband and kids, and it is also wrecking havoc with my sleep cycle and my stomach. For whatever reason I am feeling more stress now than I did when I was in the middle of this whole last year. Perhaps I have a case of post traumatic stress disorder. Whatever it is, I am ready for it to be over. Stepping out of my own life and remembering the lives of others who have endured much worse is a good reminder of the blessings my life does hold. Today is about those who have given the ultimate sacrifice for America.

Day 280 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo is us at Ashleigh's 2006 college graduation...VERY proud moment!!

Last night there was a bonfire at a neighbor's home attended by friends who have all recently entered the empty nest phase of their lives. All their children have finished high school and some of their children are attending college, some are starting college and one has a child that has finished college. As they talked we laughed a little at what it is like to have your kids come back home after being away at college. I always felt like such a mean Mom when Ashleigh would come home for the summer from college. I would have to integrate her back into the family dynamic, which I know she found very distasteful. To go from total independence to having to tell Mom and Dad where you are going and when you will be back is not an easy thing to do.

 I remember one summer when Ashleigh was out very late, so late it was actually early morning and only an hour before Mark had to get up for work. I got up poked around the house and realized she was still out and I started to panic. I woke Mark and told him how worried I was and we laid there wondering if we should be mad or worried. I literally lay in bed writing her eulogy in my head. "She loved to dance; she was a happy spirit that laughed easily. She died young and we are very sad…" Suddenly we heard a car door close outside, and the front door open, and off to bed she went. Then we just laid there mad. Now what? How do you tell an adult young woman to please call her Mommy and Daddy and let them know you're safe and when you will be home?

 Well, it goes like this. "Good morning Ashleigh, how did you sleep? Listen, I spent some time in the early hours of this morning writing your eulogy, and I would prefer not to have to do that again, so if you could give us some idea what you are up to when you are staying at home, I would appreciate it! Short and sweet, a slight bit of humor and we were done. I wish I could say that everything went smoothly like that when she was home, but it did not. There were other challenges throughout her foray of coming back home during college, but we worked through them, some more easily than others.

 I am not sure how it will be when my younger children get to that point, but I am sure that I will have some great bonfire stories of my own too share. Growing up is not easy for the kids or the parents, but it has to be done. Speaking for myself, there are days I know that I have not quite grown up yet. It's no big deal, because I always have one of my kids around to say "OH MY GOSH MOM, WHAT are you dooooooing? There is the time I had Ashleigh push me to the car as I stood on the front of the grocery cart and yelled WEEEEEEEE! There are also the times I have grabbed my girls and forced them to dance with me, spinning and dipping all over the living room and kitchen.

 Perhaps growing up is a little overrated? One thing is for sure, when the kids come home from college the dynamic has changed and adjustments must be made by everyone. It's not easy for the kids, but it is much harder on the parents, who are trying so hard to let go and then they get sucked back into the whole parenting job all over again when the kids come home for summer. I guess the best we can do as parents is laugh at ourselves and our kids. Life is constantly playing tricks on us, so we might as well enjoy ourselves while we can. Maybe I will host the next gathering of parents of grown children, it is fun and you learn a lot too!

Day 279 The Perfect Mom Project

This morning the house is quiet. Our three day Memorial weekend has begun, and our youngest daughter is on her camping adventure. It always amazes me how quiet the house is when one of the girls is gone. I remember when Ashleigh was born; I had decided that I would only have one child, an only child. I had been an only child and it worked out OK, so I thought "one is plenty" why have any more? Then I met Mark, and he was from a family with five children and he said "One is not enough, you need other children to round out your life and theirs, having siblings is fun." Considering I was an only child, I had to take his word for that, I also loved him and wanted to make him happy, and so we added two more children to our lives.

 Now I cannot imagine my life being any different. When Ashleigh first left home and went to college we were astounded how different the house was without her here. It felt like something was missing all the time. Her enthusiasm and light were gone and we missed it. However when she came home from college, it was electric shock therapy trying to get her back into the new reality we had created for ourselves. We all had our own way of doing things and everyone had to give a little to make it work. With Avery gone, it reminds me of that time. Its quiet, there is a slice missing from our family pie and we miss it. I know this is just a taste of things to come.

 As Aly enjoyed her bonfire with her friends last night, I realized how quickly time will pass and she will be heading off to college. She has her own life now separate from who we are and as exciting as it is to see, it also reminds me that it will not be long before our house is quiet and one child is left. She will not be an only, but she will be alone here at home with Mom and Dad. Avery will be living in the new reality created by another of our children being gone. This is our circle of life. I am thankful that I have had all three of my children. I am thankful that God lead me to a man that taught me that life is richer with children. I know that the time will come and my children will all be off living out their own lives, but I also know from watching my oldest daughter that there is sweetness in the success that your child has in their own life.

 All this comes to my mind, because my house is a little quieter. It is a bittersweet quiet; that brings with it the reminder to enjoy my children while they are with me. It is also a quiet that reminds me that each one of my children is precious and when one of them leaves here they leave with a little slice of the family pie. I just hope they savor every bite as much as I have.

Day 278 The Perfect Mom Project

It is looking more and more like the Perfect Mom Project has hit a rough patch. I am wondering around with a bad attitude annoyed by everything and everyone. Yesterday, Aly came home from school and asked if she could have friends over to swim in our pool after school today. My immediate response was pretty close to a rolly pollie, you know the bugs that curl up in a ball when you touch them? I shut down and said "I just do not think I am up to that Aly". The idea of kids running around my yard yelling and horsing around just put me on edge. I know in the past it would have been no big deal, but somehow right now this was crossing the line. I pretend that all is OK with me, but the truth is that on the inside I am just overwhelmed and my family is the ones that are paying for it.
Just to be fair, when Avery came in from school, I jumped on her about her room and also the fact that she had a lot to do to get ready to go camping with some friends this weekend. It is a big deal, she is going to miss school and the day before yesterday we were on her about finishing a project that is due in school today. We explained to her that she would never get it done while she was gone, and having the project done and out of the way would take the pressure off. She was not happy, especially with me, instead of remaining calm, I was yelling, because I was annoyed. At dinner last night she thanked us for "making" her finish the project, because it felt good to hand it in and be done. Exactly what we had hoped would happen.
It does seem like my only form of communicating lately is yelling, which makes it hard for my family to want to listen. I am not sure how to explain to them that I am overwhelmed. It is not one person, or event, it is everything. My aunt, my dad, my house, my laundry, my groceries, my kids, my husband and all of the end of the year stuff that comes with school and soccer. The attitude I have is beyond bad, it is horrible. I am trying hard not to curl up into a ball, but that is what I am doing. If someone talks to me or wants something from me, I snip at them in hopes they will go away and leave me alone. Every day I wait for something else more hurtful to come up about my Dad and the things he has done with his will. I have gotten calls from my sister that is down there asking me what I want of my families that was in the house and all I can think is "I want to choose these things myself", I want to hold them and turn them over and see if it is truly what I want, because so far, the things I know my Mom would want me to have like her china and crystal and the doll I mentioned a while back, I have been told the woman Dad married is keeping.
My Aunt has me wound so tight, because I am still aggravated about her comment that her choices are none of our business. I have a hard time being motivated to care for her needs, when she shows no respect for our time at all. My husband goes to her house at least once a week to get her mail and to check on her house, then he goes to where she is living and writes out her bills for her and then mails them. I care for the behind the scenes stuff, like paperwork, moving her, taking the calls from the doctors, caregivers and friends and picking up items like bath soap and lotion for her skin. I also visit her once a week. I believe in my heart that she is our business and her choices affect us too.
Throw in the normal teenage attitudes around my house and my rage at the disrespect my Dad heaped on my mother the last months of her life and after she died, and you have a walking time bomb. I am coiled in so tight, no one is safe. I did have a small change of heart this morning as I was walking with my friends at the crack of dawn. When I came in the house, I told Aly that she could have friends over later for a bonfire. I figured at least by then Mark would be home to help with the fire starting and kid control. It was at least an attempt at throwing her a bone. Everyone should not have to suffer, because I am. I know I am not OK right now, and all I can do is wait this out. Apparently, anxiety is my new mood, and it is not pretty, not at all!!

Day 277 The Perfect Mom Project

Final choir concert can now be scratched off of our list; finishing history project can be scratched off our list too. One by one all of the last of the school year items are being checked off and we are moving closer to the last day of school. There is something so delightful about coming to the end of the year. The hardest part is keeping the kids focused enough to stay engaged with their homework and school. Once it warms up outside and the classes turn to review of what has already been learned, all that is left is the exams. For Aly the high school will change even more tomorrow, it is the last day for all of the seniors and things will seem quite different up there for the last two weeks of school.

I am looking forward to having a little unstructured time. I also know that the girls are emotionally and physically fried and they need a break. They have poured all of their energy into doing well in school and they are both ready to just live out what Mark has always called, "the endless summer", I will not lie, I am looking forward to that too. I know I am getting ahead of myself, we still have two weeks left to get through, but it feels good to be here.

I am emotionally overwhelmed and I just need a break. Yesterday afternoon, it was difficult to find empathy or compassion for my kids as they discussed their frustrations with school. All I kept thinking about was how I could escape from here and get away. My stomach is in a knot. When I take a deep breath, I get that little jerky breath that happens when you are scared or on edge. I am not calm or at peace and I have tried so hard to pretend that I am that now my body has taken a hold and is rejecting the whole thing. It is like my body has decided that if I will not listen to my head, maybe I will pay attention if my stomach goes crazy. My stomach is loud and bubbly with no regard for where I am. My insides are now taking over where my head has failed.

I hope that by having some down time I will be able to rein in some of this stress. None of the things I am struggling with are things that I can change or control and I need to release them. It is more a matter now of how. What is the secret? My gut tells me to hand it all over to God, just peel back my fingers from each stressful thing and let God have it all. That is what I hope for today, the ability to hand all of my concerns and frustrations about things I cannot control to the one who has the ultimate control. Then I can start scratching things off my list too. Oh, I do like the sound of that, I think it is time to get on the roller coaster of life, throw my hands in the air and yell, weeeeeeeee!

Day 276 The Perfect Mom Project

To the Parents of Avery;

 Congratulations! Avery will be the recipient of an academic award at the Middle School Honors evening to be held on Wednesday June 2, 2010.

 With that letter yesterday it is official, middle school is almost over. The hard work, stress, tears and laughter of the last few years is almost over for my youngest child. When she steps through the doors of the high school next year, she will be on the educational zip line of her life. The four years of high school flew by when Ashleigh was there, and the time continues to fly for Aly. Now with Avery up there as a freshman, I am sure it will be like watching my life flash before my eyes. I am proud of all of my girls. They are hard workers who know what they want.

 There is no way to know what the magic mix is that makes your kids who they are. As much as my kids are different they are the same. Each one of my girls has the gift of determination. They are also gifted with individual talents that they have mined and worked on like stones that are tumbled until smooth. No one could be more proud of the people they have become then me. After the life that I have left behind, I can hold my head high knowing that despite some minor character issues, (extremely emotional, stubborn, etc) my girls have broken the dysfunction mold. Little things crop up here and there, but for the most part, I think we are on the right track.

 Tonight is our final middle school vocal concert. Avery is planning to sing a solo and as I write I can hear her practicing her song. Last week as Aly prepared to sing a solo at her vocal concert at the high school, I sat in my sit with my heart pounding. I was flush and nervous and tense waiting for her to begin. This is how I was with Ashleigh as she made her way through school too. If I am going to be honest, this is how I am watching all of them make their way through life. I am on the edge of my seat, heart pounding with excitement and nervousness.

Day 275 The Perfect Mom Project

This morning I am sitting out on my deck enjoying my coffee and the tweeting birds. I am delighted that it has warmed up and I can once again enjoy my summer sanctuary. Each summer morning I sit in my patio chair that rocks, with my little table next to me with a cup of coffee resting on it and I just think. I plan trips and remodeling projects, conversations I want to have or should have and make list after list in my head, but mostly I just recharge my body's battery.

 Tonight we have a soccer game and tomorrow night is Avery's final choir concert, so today I am recharging my battery, so that I can move through those events feeling refreshed and relaxed. The end of the school year is always crazy. For the last four years May has been a very busy time of year. It all started four years ago when I had to have surgery in May that required a six week recovery. The following year in May, my oldest daughter Ashleigh got married and two weeks later Mark had to have emergency Angioplasty on his heart. Then last year after two months of travel to New Orleans and back home, my Mom died. Flash forward to May of this year and my Dad died. Mix in the entire end of the school year stuff and I am lucky I am not curled up in a corner somewhere.

 Yesterday brought more news, issues about my Dad and the mess he has left behind for all of us and also word that my Aunt Nina is now depressed. Her Aide called to tell me that and that my Aunt has said that the card party at her home was none of my business. Well, I think differently and I guess it is time to have a talk about this. Mark and I have faithfully cared for her for the last four years and have asked for nothing. We have helped her with her bills her home and her life. We have moved her into nursing homes and back home again. We have stood by her in the hospital and arranged for her care and well being with home care companies, doctors and friends. Now she makes a choice to open up her home and like it or not, it does affect us, because if something had gone wrong, who would have handled it? Not her, she is in a senior community, because she cannot walk or see and can barely hear.

As far as the issues with my Dad, let's just say that all of the things that my sisters and I were worried might happen if he changed things from the way they were, are starting to happen. I have watched my Mom's family get yanked apart over money, and now I just want to stay as far away from the hurt that this will indeed cause all of us. I have worried for months that his choices would leave a tsunami of problems, and now I am watching as the ripples are starting to hit our lives. There is nowhere to run from this.


I guess May is my month of challenge. I have read that when you have surgery or a death in your life it is traumatic. It can take years to recover emotionally. I feel like it is time to start the recovery from just my life alone. I cannot let these two people (My Dad and my Aunt) take my life over. My younger girls still need me; there are soccer games and eye appointments, concerts and honors nights. There are before school rides and after school rides and much more and I want to enjoy this time with them while I can. My husband needs me; we are in love and we have a life together that we cherish. We have many plans for our home and our life and we need to focus on them.

 Today, I am thankful for my sanctuary. From my perch I am able to see, hear and feel the beauty of nature. I can recharge my body's battery and scrub out the clutter in my mind and for just a few minutes, there is peace in my world. It is just me, the deck, the sun and my dog all plugged into natures charger and May is just another month in the year.

Day 274 The Perfect Mom Project

Please note…the author thought she had posted this. Oh well, better late than never!

This morning as I sit contemplating what to write, I continue my morning ritual of shouting out the time to my youngest, Avery. It seems crazy to do this, she has a clock in her room, yet she is usually sitting in her room reading or day dreaming and not actually getting ready for the day. My frustration level ski rockets! There are only about 14 days of school left and I am still mothering my little chick, trying to keep her on track and get her out the door to school. Next year she will be in high school and that is very hard for me to imagine. Maybe she grew up too fast and skipped some tiny details.

Avery and I are in the middle of the "I want to grow up, let me go" dance right now. We seem to be bumping heads and annoying each other more than usual. Just yesterday we went as family for ice cream after dinner. We were at one of those places where they mix what you want into the ice cream as you wait, and it was Avery's turn to order. She was overwhelmed by all the choices and I was trying to help her and she was flipping out. Once she placed her order I knew that she would end up throwing half of it out, because she was having buyer's remorse over her choice. She looked right at me and said, "This would not have happened if you had helped me." I was so aggravated! I wanted to say, "Listen…you are 14, get it together!" In another 4 years, Avery will be released into the world like a butterfly out of a cocoon. At what point does she start thinking through what time it is and when to be ready, or even what kind of ice cream she wants.

Now, I sit here wondering if I have over mothered my youngest. Have I "helped" her so much that she now cannot help herself? Is it possible to reverse the effects of over mothering? I remember when she was little and Mark and I talked about how we had to have the same standards for all of our girls. We could not have one expectation for one of them and not for all, but maybe that is not realistic. There are such distinct differences between each of them that perhaps we have to just have a sliding standard scale. However if we start that what might slide by? My gut tells me to keep plugging away at this. I know that Avery is a creative spirit with a good heart. All of her friend's Moms tell me that Avery is the "Voice of reason" within her friend circle. She is the girl that convinces friends to make up when they fight and she is also the one who tends to stay away from the middle school dramas. Here at home however, we have the mother/daughter drama to make up for what she misses with her friends.

I know it will all disappear off the growing up radar when she is twenty something and on her own. All Mark and I can do is, hand her the tools for her life, she is the one doing the building. Years ago when I was faced with two babies in diapers at the same time, and I was longing to have the girls potty trained my Mother-in-law shared some wisdom with me, she said "You know they will not walk down the aisle at their wedding in diapers". I took this to mean, it takes time, but it will happen. I think I will use this piece of advice here also, let's face it, pretty soon she will have to make her own way and I will not be around to yell, "Its 7:45, we have to get in the car for the carpool" she will have to work out all the details on her own.

Day 273 The Perfect Mom Project

I am ready for school to be out. I am tired of the school projects and the concerts and the rushing around. I want lazy summer days and time with my kids, but mostly I want a break from the racing around. I am ready to plan some short summer getaways and drink lemonade and eat popsicles with three colors. It is time to just be. No agendas, no worries, just relaxing and taking time to smell the flowers.

This last year has taught me that life is short and unexpected things can happen at any moment. It does not make sense to wait to enjoy life when it is more convenient or affordable, the time is now and I am chomping at the bit to get at it. What will the days, months and years ahead bring? There is no time to look back and say I should have or could have. I need to live now. I want to laugh more. I want to hug my kids more and tell them I love them. There will be no more letting life fling me around like a ship on rough seas. I am building a life raft and I am moving on.

I am rubbing my hands together today thinking hmmmnnn…what are some things we can do this summer? What else can we do around our house? Where can we go and when? What fun to open the door to possibilities. Today the sun is shining inside and out and I like it! "Hold on to the life raft kids, we are riding the rapids and I am not sure where we will end up!"

Day 272 The Perfect Mom Project

One year ago today my Mom passed away. I remember getting the call it was about 11:00PM on a Friday night. My heart and mind are full. I know that I would not and could not change anything that lead up to that day. I also know that the moments that I spent with my Mom the weeks before she died were precious and I am still able to remember our conversations. I was not there when she passed. I choose not to go down to New Orleans. There are many reasons for that choice, and I have no regrets.

 I remember holding my Mom's hand during one of my visits and looking into her eyes and telling her that I loved her, she looked back at me and said "I love you too, but you need to take care of you". I felt at that moment she was giving me permission to release her. She knew I loved her. I believe that she knew there were difficult hurtful things happening and about to happen and she wanted to protect me. I remember climbing in the car after the visit and my oldest daughter Ashleigh (who had made the trip with me) and I held each other and cried. We cried because we loved her so much and it was so hard to see her the way she was. We cried because it felt like life as we knew it was spinning out of control and we could not stop it. Mostly we cried because we could not help her.

 I have said many times that my Mom was not a Mom to me. I will always love her, because she is all I ever knew as a Mom, but she did not have the gift of mothering. I also know that her own mother did not have the gift of mothering, which helps me release my mom from some of the responsibility. Being a Mom is not an easy job, it does not come with a user's manual or a job description, it is a job that comes from your heart and my Mom, only had room for herself in her heart. I am no longer angry with her. I no longer feel cheated because of my difficult childhood; so many people have had it much worse.
Mom did give me the gift of being able to laugh at myself. She also helped me see the funny side of life. There are days that I suddenly have her gift of creating. Music was an important part of Mom's life and it is a gift that I now share with all of my girls. I will always love cake like my Mom, and each time I see my youngest Avery searching for something sweet, I know my Mom is there inside of her. My oldest daughter Ashleigh looks like my Mom and she has my Moms sense of humor, she also has my Mom's gift for dance. My middle daughter Aly has my Moms gift of staying focused on a task. Mom could sew anything and she would work for hours and hours to complete her beautiful creations.

 Mom lives today in each of us. She is thriving and happy as she dances in each of our hearts. Mom, will now be the past, and we must be the future. I step out today with my full heart living my Mom's words, with one slight change. I will not only take care of me, I will be taking care of my husband and children too. One year ago life took a turn, and I think maybe I am finally stepping back onto the right path, no regrets, that's life and I'm living it!

Day 271 The Perfect Mom Project

The Civil War is over, it ended yesterday at 2:45 PM. I had volunteered to help chaperone the reenactment of the Civil War that the 8^th grade history classes were having at Avery's middle school, and I ended up standing in the blazing sun for three straight hours. I decided to help out at the last minute, thinking that this would be one of my last chances to help out; once she steps through the doors of the high school my hands on volunteering will be limited. Supervising middle school kids is just not my gift. I learned that during my two year stint as a substitute lunch mother. Something about being around swarms of kids with raging hormones makes me very uncomfortable, yet I wanted to be there for Avery.

 So there I stood in the sun on one of the hottest days so far this year. At some point during my three hours one of the other parent volunteers pointed out to me that other parents were coming in bringing large slushy drinks to some of the kids. One parent had gone out and picked up eight of them brought them back and then went out and bought twenty more. I could not help but wonder how a person decides that it is OK to provide these drinks to some of the kids when there were at least 200 more kids that were not going to have one of these drinks. First of all, these were parents that I like and respect and the fact that they were running out buying these things with no consideration for the other kids bugged me, what were they thinking? There was no way I was going to run out and buy slushies for Avery and the other soldiers in her tent. First of all I had volunteered to help supervise not make drink runs second of all I have a problem with bringing things into a group of kids if I do not have enough for everyone.

 Moments like that remind me how differently everyone thinks and especially how differently we all parent. I guess it also made me feel like the unfun, uncool mom, because I was not going to do a slushie run for my daughter. The thought also crossed my mind that there were now hormonally challenged students ramped up on a very large amount of sugar! Mainly, I spent a good amount of time (in the hot sun) wondering if I was ever going to make it to perfect Mom status if I had to always worry if I was doing the right thing or not. When will it be OK to just be the Mom that I am? I did end up taking Avery and Aly out for ice cream after school that was my shot at making up for the no slushie thing.

 One thing I did figure out yesterday was that I will always see parents that have to go over and above for their kids all the time. While I want all my girls to be successful and happy, I do believe that I have to leave a majority of the responsibility for that to them. Someday, mom is not going to be around to help them with the bumps in life's road and if I am always standing there with a slushie or a wad of cash to fix their life, how will they know how to make it over the bump? Overall, my gift to my children will be my hand to help them balance and my love as my support. The rest is up to them.

Day 270 The Perfect Mom Project

Well my day today opened right up yesterday when I received a call from my Aunt Nina's aide/companion Anna. Anna called to tell me that there was no need for us to meet at my Aunt's house to remove the papers and put them out of sight, because my Aunt had sent her friend over to the neighbors to get a key. This friend has already been in the house preparing for her card party. Now I am just throwing up my hands in the air in frustration and anger at this 92 year old woman that is clearly not thinking straight. Mark and I are now wondering what to do. We cannot help her maintain her life if she is going to completely disregard us and our concerns. I think at this point we have an unruly elderly teenager on our hands!

I am not sure how to even begin to handle this. I cannot ground her or take away any of her privileges like I would for my girls. I also do not feel right walking away from this responsibility and throwing her to the wolves, so here I stand in the middle of all of this trying to figure out what the heck to do to rein in this woman. On top of that, I am still in a state of anxiety over all of the nonsense that has happened in the last year with my dysfunctional family. I am actually lucky that I do not have an ulcer. I am going to make a few calls today to my Aunt's neighbors and also to her attorney. Something has to be done, and I have to figure out what.

Mean while my actual children are keeping me focused by being who they are. Avery's room is so messy; she actually met me at the door of her room last night and warned me not to come in because it would upset me. She also assured me that she is going to have it all in order by Saturday, since there is a sleepover invite hanging out there and she cannot go if her room is a mess. Aly did her part by singing a beautiful solo at her choir concert last night. She sang as if no one else was in the room except her and me. Her confidence and poise made me proud. I guess my prayers to get back to my real life are being answered in full force. With the love and support of my family and friends, I will keep moving in the direction of perfect mothering, who knew that my project would include a 92 year old woman. As the saying goes though, "Life is what happens when you are making other plans."

Day 269 The Perfect Mom Project

It is new day, the sun is shining the birds are singing and I am trying to pull myself out of this slump. I am smack in the middle of the week that my Mom died and Dads memorial service. My Mom died May 22^nd and Dads service was last Saturday. Welcome to Wednesday. This whole year was one unbelievable tale after another. I just want this story to end. I had planned on spending May 22^nd remembering my Mom and possibly doing something with her ashes, but now I am thinking I will wait. I am not sure I can take that on this week.

 

My phone rang yesterday, and it was my sister Kelie, as we talked it was clear we are thinking very differently about many things including the items that remain in the house (in New Orleans) that belonged to my family before my Mom married my Dad. I will not go into the whole conversation, because it is very sad to think about let alone talk about. I do have to chuckle a little to myself at the fact that many times my Mom tried to give me some of those things, and I told her that there was plenty of time for that, thinking that I wanted her to have all of her things around her that she could since she lost so much in Hurricane Katrina.

 

Now, I just have to release my expectation about how any of this will play out, because there are so many different people and personalities in the mix that it is certain to get ugly, and I do not want to be a part of any of that. Mark has suggested to me that I just put all of this to rest and move on. That is exactly what I was trying to do 269 days ago when I started this project. If I do not get moving back to where I was, I will have to start a new project when this one ends. Something like the How Not to Go Insane Project, or the My Families Nuts and I Don't Want to Be Project. For now, I will put my nose to the grindstone and get myself out of this giant whole of sadness and self pity.

 

As I visited with my Aunt Nina the other day she snapped at me for using the words "My Dad". "I do not like it when you call him Dad, he was not your Dad!" my Aunt said to me. Honestly, I, to this day know that he only adopted me so that the dividing of the will would be fair and square for all of us, (his three girls and me). The sad part is after all of his stupid decisions last fall; I do not believe he even knew what fair was. Mark is right, I have to let this go and just get back to my real life.

 That should be easy today. Avery is snarling at me because I asked her to help me out this morning and take out the dog, HELLO reality! I am also meeting some good friends for breakfast and my travel buddies have plans to meet this afternoon for coffee, a full day of friendship that will end with dinner with Mark's parents and Aly's final vocal concert of the year. I think I am jumping into reality with both feet today, Bring it on!

Day 268 The Perfect Mom Project

Well this week continues the Aunt Nina saga. Apparently the card party that my Aunts ex-son-in-law and his girlfriend are having is still on at my Aunts home. The idea of this is just unbelievable to me, who does stuff like that? How do you have a party at someone else's home first of all, but especially when they are not living there for health reasons? These people amaze me. I have to assume that my cousin had divorced him for a reason, perhaps because he had no common sense. Now I am left to get the house in order so that they are not pawing through my Aunt's stuff.

 I do not care that he is an ex-son-in-law; the key word for me is ex! I do not care that this girlfriend has befriended my Aunt and visits her several days a week for several hours; the issue is that they have just stepped over what I consider a boundary that is in place. I honestly have a very bad feeling about the whole thing. Now my Aunt's Aide/Companion Anna and I are going to have to play puppeteers and clean out all of the papers she has laying around so that they do not fall into the wrong hands. I am very uncomfortable with this whole thing and my Aunt is acting like it is no big deal. "Why am I so upset, Nancy (the girlfriend) is very nice and she is a devoted friend?" My Aunt says to me. She has no idea what happens behind the scenes of her life. Now, not only am I mothering my own children, I am also mothering my Aunt.

 

I will move the papers, but that is all we will do. I am not doing cleaning or tidying up of any kind. I am also going to make her neighbors aware of this fiasco, so they can keep an eye on the house throughout the evening and finally Mark and I will have to go back there on Sunday to make sure everything is in order. Why my Aunt does not understand that we are responsible for her actions now is beyond me. She really does not seem to understand that we are the ones responsible for helping her life run in a positive and safe direction, and apparently this "friend" and ex-son-in-law of hers are not getting that or if they do, just don't care.

 

It is hard enough parenting teenagers, let alone a 92 year old woman. This is just ridiculous. The worst part is my Aunt is far more strong willed and difficult than my own children are. Worse yet, she can be so mean that I sometimes regress to my childhood and she scares me. Yet Mark and I continue to do all we do in the name of family. We could never live with ourselves if something happened to her, so we will continue to hold the strings of her life raft and keep her afloat. TOOT TOOT; ALL A SHORE THAT ARE GOING A SHORE!

 

Day 267 The Perfect Mom Project

Avery stood in front of me as I talked to a friend on the phone yesterday. She was wearing the skirt that Aly gave her for her birthday, and she wanted to know what I thought. I was waving her off, because I was trying to finish my conversation on the phone, but she had apparently regressed to preschool mentality, because she was not getting the fact that I was on the phone and I was not interested in having the discussion right then and there. So, finally after she continued to flit about me I said, "it's (the skirt) too short and it needs to go back to the store." With that comment we were off and running through another teenitude.

 We went back and forth verbally playing tug of war and I was beginning to lose my patience. Avery accused me of not wanting her to be cute and fashionable, and I continued to explain that the skirt was too short and that she could take it back and exchange it for a skirt that had a little more fabric and still be just as fashionable. I think that she was desperate to wear the skirt when she attended the movies later in the day with a friend, and I was cramping her new emerging style. Taking it back was not an option if she was going to wear it today, so obviously, I was the worst Mom in the world.
It seems like Avery and I are in that teenitude flow again. This morning as I drove her to school, I explained that if she forgot to bring anything to school today for a big history project , I would not be able to bring it to her "when" she called, because I am going to visit my Aunt Nina today. Avery then replied "When? Thanks, Mom for having faith in me, you are already assuming that I will not be prepared." We then began a verbal ping pong game as I explained that the word "when" meant, when she called, not when she called because she forgot something. She was misinterpreting my use of the word and then beating me over the head with it. All this as I drove her and all of her project supplies to school and helped her carry them in.

 I am now stuck stewing about the whole stupid thing. I am certain that some of the tension in the air is due to the stress of the last couple of weeks, but most of it is due to the emerging teen who wants Mom to butt out. All I can tell you is it is not possible for me to butt out. I have always tried to give my kids as much room as I can to grow up. Sometimes they could use a little more than I offer, but other times I know I give too much room. Somehow it will all level out. In the mean time I am in no mood to arm wrestle, play verbal ping pong or even fight about my rules and my decisions with hormonal teenagers. You got to go to the movies, you were not naked and you looked cute, I also drove you to school helped you haul in your project items and kissed you and wished you a good day. I would say that as a Mom, I have done alright and you have survived another teenitude sneak attack. We are still in the trenches, and the battle remains in full swing, but I have a feeling that Mom will win once again.

Day 266 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays picture is from our trip last summer to Colorado, I love the cross glowing in the mountians!

As I sit here this morning turning yesterday around in my head I struggle to find words. I watched my 3 sisters and I just knew I would never fit in. Now that my Dad is gone there will be no reason for us to gather. I could feel the tension and disappointment they all felt in each other and in me and I realized there was nothing I could do about it. These feelings are just bricks in a pathway that started many years ago. In a way it feels like we never grew up. I wish things could be different, but I am not sure that is possible. I am certain that yesterday is probably one of the last times we will all be together at one time, there is no reason now. My heart hurts with sadness over everything that has happened in the last year. Sad hurtful things that at times brought us together and then later pulled us a part again. I think that the tug of war has worn all of us out.

 I keep replaying moments from yesterday, how so and so did not speak to me, or how what's his name made a snarly face when I went to give him a hug. Even how it felt like my Dad's brothers seemed like they were mad at me. Some of these memories might be accurate, and some may not, but it all goes in my minds blender and when it comes out it is just a huge pitcher full of hurt that I just want to pour out and be rid of. I just need a glass of peace and calm mixed with a little bit of normal (whatever normal is). Maybe normal is getting the lawn mowed. It could also look like me reminding my girls to get their homework done or even just spending some time with my kids and husband. Whatever normal is, I am ready for it.

 I think I did all the right things yesterday, I hugged "The Woman's" mom and told her I was sorry for her lose. I asked her to share my condolences with her daughter. I mingled with family and friends and I tried to make small talk with people that had little or no interest in me. Then I climbed in my car with my family and started to head to my new life without either of my parents. It does not matter that I did not see eye to eye with them now, it does not even matter that my Dad made stupid, selfish choices this last year of his life. All that matters is that I have my own family to raise. Children that need me and a husband that loves me. I am not alone, I have love in my life and life must go on.

Day 265 The Perfect Mom Project

265 days of writing, that means that I only have 100 more until my year is up, and what a year it has been so far! Each day another shot at getting this whole mom thing right. I have climbed many mountains and forded (weird word) many streams and I am still hoping to find my dream of being the perfect mom. Today, I will teach my children how to show grace when it is most difficult. That is a whole new chapter in my mothering project.

We will be heading towards the memorial for my dad in about 3 hours. The woman that he married will not be there, but I guess her mother is coming in her place. I plan to greet her politely, but other than that, I have nothing to offer her. She and her family have known my Dad for a little over a year, and even though he felt there was a bond there, I do not. I have also told all three of my girls that we must be cordial and polite, but we do not need to hug her or talk with her. We will do what we need to show respect to her as a person.

At one point during our visit at Thanksgiving last year it was pointed out that "the Woman" and her mother took care of my Mom. If all the other events that proceeded their care giving were not there, I might feel more compelled to extend more kindness, but what I have seen in the last few months makes me believe that this family just climbed on what they thought was a gravy train. On top of that, if it is possible, I have even less respect for "the Woman" now that she has decided she cannot come up for my Dads memorial service. She apparently is struggling with anxiety, has not been eating and she is uncomfortable.

1. Welcome to the last year of my life
   
2. She knows she has no relationships with our family which would happen in a slowly progressed, appropriate relationship
   
3. Life is tough, but you put on your big girl panties and deal with it
   
4. I feel that in no time, her true colors will emerge even more, oh wait, I think they are already showing!
   

My sister told me yesterday that this whole thing has been like a rollercoaster, and I assured her that I am going to ride this with my arms up. I know I will have friends and family there as support today, but most of all I will be there as a Mom and a daughter. I want my children to see that in spite of the hurt and sadness, we must turn the other cheek and move forward. It is time to head towards healing. There are still details to unwrap of the financial mess my dad has left behind, but for today we will honor his memory and show respect. This will be a great mothering moment.

Day 264 The Perfect Mom Project

The phone rang around 10:00PM last night with the news that the woman my Dad had married has decided not to come to his memorial now, because it will be too uncomfortable. Instead her Mom might come in her place. That seems odd to me, but nothing has been ordinary in a long time. It has relieved a small amount of stress for me knowing that I will not have to go toe to toe with her. However, I still have to go to this memorial; I do not get to opt out because of my discomfort.

I have watched the choices that my Dad has made over the last year (based on his relationship with this woman) rip my family apart. He disrespected his wife (my Mom) before she died by stepping into the relationship with this woman and he continued the year by making financial choices that were hurtful and disrespectful to my now dead Mom and iced the pain cake by marrying this woman that he was in relationship with, four months before he died. Now we are all here looking out onto this battlefield full of wreckage, family relationships ruined or strained, distrust and hurt everywhere, family heirlooms and pictures tossed like trash. I just want it all to end, and at least for now there is no end in sight. Somehow we have to find a way to get through all of this including tomorrows memorial service for my Dad, no matter how uncomfortable it is.

Is it possible that he was not in his right mind? How could he have believed that he was so wonderful and deserved so much happiness, that he could hurt the children he created so badly that they will be scarred for life? How could he give away heirlooms from my grandparents, to people I do not even know, and then be angry with me, because I chose to take items that had emotional value without showing them to him for approval. To me the biggest question will always be how could you treat your children with such disrespect? How could you possibly think that you deserved happiness anymore than the rest of us? If that was his right mind, than he was crazy from the start and now I find myself sifting through the last 28 years with him, looking at all of the damage that he has done.

The flipside of all of this is that somehow I have married a wonderful supportive and caring man. I have three beautiful daughters who I love with all of my heart and I live a great life. I want to get back to what my normal is and I also want to be the person I was a year ago when all of this started. I am hoping that the journey back will not be long. There is also a part of me that hopes that tomorrow's memorial service is healing. Taking the time to sit with family and friends and hear good heartfelt stories about my Dad, stories about who he once was and not who he became may help us reflect more easily on him. Only time can heal all of us now, Dad is gone, my Mom is gone and life for us here must go on.

Day 263 The Perfect Mom Project

Last May I made a picture board for my Mom's memorial service. It had pictures of my Mom when she was a little girl and a young woman and pictures of her with me when I was a little girl and a young woman. There were also pictures of my Mom with my children and my Dad. I still have that picture board; I have not removed any of the photos. The board has sat in a corner of my basement, since I could not bring myself to do anything with it.
Maybe in a way it is because I feel once I put those photos away, Mom is really gone.

Now, this week I have been pulling some of the pictures off for my sister to use in a slide show for my Dad. Each picture I have pulled off has been like pulling off a band aid, there is a little pain and some scabbing. I have been going through so many photos of the years that have past and trying to find where I fit in. At this point in my life I need to just be at peace with the life that is behind me. My hope is that after the memorial on Saturday, I can let the past go and move on. There is never going to be a perfect picture.

 I had a cousin tell me yesterday that she guessed my Dad could be hard and sometimes cruel in his dealings with people just like his Mother had been. It was like someone had pulled back a curtain, and given me a peek into my Dads world. I had never heard that about my Dad's Mom before and it helped me see him as a product of a life I knew nothing about…his childhood. Suddenly, I saw him as someone just trying to make their way in the world using the skills that they were given. They were not great, or even good skills, but that's who he was. He did not know how to be anything else.

 I am going to keep these pictures of my Dad out for a few more days and then I am going to put them away. I am ready to step away from the hurt he has caused at least for now. I know that in the weeks to come as things are sorted out, there may be more surprises uncovered, and I am bracing myself for what he might have done in his race to "be happy" after my Mom died. As for the memory board with my Mom's photos on it, I am hoping to put them together in an album, but I cannot say when that will happen. Perhaps sometime this summer I will be able finally remove each of those band aids from the board and finally heal.

Day 262 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday was another day of just being a Mom. As I sent Avery off to school we already had a plan in place for her to go to the doctor. She has not felt well the last few days, and with this being the end of the year, she needs to be on her game and ready for all the final tests. She did not want to miss her first hour class, so I asked her to call me after the class and I would let her know what time the appointment was and when I would pick her up. I was able to make the appointment for after school, so I let her know that and we hung up. Later, she called me back and told me she could not hold out till after school, would I come and get her, so that is what I did.

 Now mind you it poured rain all day, so I pretty much felt like a drowned rat, as I ran into the school, then ran her to the car, ran into the doctor and then ran out, then ran into the store for the prescription and then ran out again back into the rain. Oh, and I also ran out and picked up ingredients for homemade Chicken soup, hoping to make something healthy and tasty for Avery's dinner. It hit me later in the day that I was just being a Mom. Other than being soaked through, which was not pleasant, I was happy to take care of my daughter and help her get better.

 I have been struggling lately with what or who I am. I am feeling so out of place and sad with all of the things that have happened over the last few months with my Dad and sisters. I have lost track of who I really am. I have lost the confidence in myself and the drive to participate in many things. Even simple everyday tasks have been difficult for me to accomplish. I have even gone so far as to think of myself as nothing, with no purpose and no talent, not particularly bright or even useful. There have been times when the girls have been upset with me and said hurtful things and I have thought they were right. This is not who I once was. I have been stomped down by the boot of this last year and I am having a hard time pulling myself back up.

 That is why yesterday was so important. I had no choice, I had to be Mom. I had a job to do, that no one else can do, and I had to help my daughter feel better. Nothing else mattered. I have a long way back to the me I use to be, but every journey begins with a single step, and I hope that the step I took yesterday will help get me back there.

Day 261 The Perfect Mom Project

Last night we attended honors night at the high school. Aly received an award for her grades this year and she also received an award for choir. It was a proud moment as we watched her walk up and receive her awards. Aly has worked hard this year and she needed this affirmation of her hard work.

 Aly and I have been butting heads lately and I sense her need to grow up and be her own person. I am not sure why, but it seems like when your kids are spreading their wings they are slapping you in the face with them. I have had to say more than once lately that she had better watch her mouth. The hard part is that in order to grow up she has to do all the things she is doing. Fight with me, her dad and her sister. Be depressed one minute and happy the next. Be bored, act bored and say she is bored about things that do not relate to her. And most of all talk back, which is my favorite.

 Last night I told her that I was done with her mouth and she needed to watch how she talked to me. Her reply almost brought me out of my chair, she said "Maybe you should watch how you talk to me too." There was a moment when I sincerely thought about giving her a good spanking, but I knew it would not buy me anything except a sore hand and a lot of guilt. I did however recommend to her that she go to her room as quickly as she could. After she left the room I sat there wondering what my best course of action would be and decided that it was time for a chat. I called Aly out and she sat down and I just told her that I did not know what was going on, but it needed to stop. She shared with me that she has been annoyed by everyone including her friends. She is frustrated because she does not know what is wrong.

 Thinking back at that moment I remembered feeling like that (sometimes even now), and I remembered Ashleigh going through that too. I asked her to come and sit next to me and I put my arm around her. That's when I told her that she was right on track with most kids her age. I can only guess if she took a survey of most of her friends, they would all say they felt a lot of the same feelings. I told her she was normal, or as normal as anyone can be. I wondered if that was what had been bothering her; did she think there was something wrong with her. Then she told me she thought she had Attention Deficit Disorder and I told her that if she did she was managing it very well, since she was just honored for her grades. At that point she smiled and laughed and we hugged, which was way better then the chasing her and spanking her that I had considered earlier. It felt good to have a little bit of normal back in my life, even if it meant I had to have it out with Aly. It was a nice reminder that life goes on.

Day 260 The Perfect Mom Project

This project has become less about perfecting my motherhood and more about just surviving. I am desperate to stay focused on my family and the things I need to do here, but my mind keeps slipping back towards all of the things that have happened in the last few months. These things I know for sure:

 My husband loves me and supports me, and hands down he is my best friend

 I have great kids and I am sure they love me despite the fact that they think I'm nuts

 I have the greatest friends that love me and support me, and go along with my crazy schemes

 My home is my haven and my heart grows strong here

 My dog loves me

 Nothing and no one can change me, changing will be my choice.

 Words can only do damage when we allow them too

 Who I am, is who I will always be with a few small renovations from time to time

 I love to laugh

 Mothering is what I like to do and I am lucky to have been blessed with the job

My life is very good

Day 259 The Perfect Mom Project

Happy Mother's Day!

Today is the day that perfect Mom's look forward to. The day we are celebrated and doted on all day! OK, since I am still working toward perfection, it will just be a special day with some love thrown in for good measure. The doting will be minimal.

It is a wonderful day just because all three girls are here with me. No real pressure to celebrate, just relaxing and talking and reminiscing about our times together and family that has passed. We are just sitting in our jammies taking it easy and enjoying each other. I like my life. Today, we will focus on the positive and not dwell on the hurt and sadness. There will be a long week ahead preparing for the memorial for my Dad next Saturday.

I will just enjoy today and be happy for the wonderful family that I have, I am truly blessed. I do hope I can have a photo taken today with all of my girls, it has been a long time since we have done that. A photo with my girls will be a fabulous reminder of the great life I have. It will also be a great memory in the years to come. Happy Mother's day!

 

Day 258 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo...some time out with Aunt Nina 2008

My youngest Avery called last night to tell us how much fun she was having on her school trip to Chicago. She thanked us for "letting" her go and told as antidotes about her day. It was great to hear her voice and feel her excitement at being on her own without Mom and Dad. When Aly got home from school yesterday, she had a snack, checked her Facebook (an absolute must) and then prepared to go to her friends for a sleepover party. Mark and I dropped her off at her friend's house, and then we were alone.

 Our lives are changing quickly now; Aly is just a couple of months away from getting her driver's license and Avery will be joining her in high school next year. Mark and I will be alone together much more often as the girls become involved in school activities, start driving and getting (hopefully at some point) jobs. Mark and I will be living a new normal. I am looking forward to these new horizons. I have loved the hands on years, making Halloween costumes and birthday cupcakes for school and being on the PTO. Now I am excited to see what becomes of a Mom who is working her way out of a job. What direction will I take now? I can choose many paths; it is just up to me which one. Whatever path I take, I plan to keep a shortcut open to my girls. They are absolutely the three best things I have ever made from scratch. Mark and I will enjoy our alone time, no doubt about that, but our time with our girls is great too.

 Today Aly and I will be going to a Mother's day brunch with my Aunt Nina. They are having this event at her Senior Community and I am looking forward to sharing this time with her. It will be good to be with my Aunt and hear her all too familiar stories. All I really want right now is a slice of normal with a little scoop of being anxiety free on the side. If it means that I spend time with my aunt, I will take it! By the end of the evening tonight, I will have all my girls back home under the same roof, with Avery coming home from Chicago and Ashleigh and Scott coming to visit. Being alone with Mark is fabulous, but having my girls around me is just the slice of normal I need right now.

Day 257 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo is of my mom and me 1999

Today I struggle to focus. I want to write about cute family antidotes, which never end here, but all I can do is to continue to be amazed at how hurtful people can be. I am constantly on alert for the other shoe to drop. At a time when all of my family is sad for the loss of my Dad, we are also dealing with a woman who is going through what was my Mom's home telling my sisters what they can and cannot have for themselves and for me.

 When my youngest sister called yesterday to ask what I would want from the house I told her that it was hard right now, and she said "Ragen, we have been through a lot down here and we still have to keep going, just tell me what you can think of and we will get it." I remembered a doll that my Mom had bought when I was about 19 or 20. It was a doll created in the likeness of an old Norman Rockwell picture. It was a little girl with a red beret and holding a teddy bear being examined by a doctor. My Mom told me at the time she had bought the little porcelain doll, because it reminded her of me when I was a little girl. I told Kelie that I wanted that doll. She asked the "woman" about the doll and she told Kelie "No, I am keeping that, I am keeping all of the Norman Rockwell items, your Dad and I had already decided that". I lost it; Kelie kept talking saying "OK, well I guess that is staying what else?" At that point I just started mentioning anything I could think, since I am not allowed in the house ever again, I figured I best remember whatever I could and get it out of there.

 There is furniture that was my Great Grandmothers and quilts that she made, there are paintings and pictures and so many more items that were from my Mom's family that I wish I could touch or just go through, but I can't. There are items that I would love my children to have that would be beautiful heirlooms. I do not need all of these things or even necessarily want everything, but now I feel that I do not want her to have or touch things she knows nothing about. I am sad that instead of remember the good times with my Dad; I am focused on the hurt. I am wondering what turned his heart and made him make the decisions that he made over the last year and a half that have left my sisters and me frustrated and hurt.

 It hurts me so much and yet I know that my sisters are in the middle of it down there and they are hurting ten times more than I am. I cannot let all that is happening turn my heart and make me bitter, I have to continue to remember that this too shall pass. I must also focus on the love of my wonderful husband and beautiful children. Somewhere inside of me I must find my Mom self and get her back.

Day 256 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo is self explanatory...my kids can be mean!

Oh where oh where can Ragen's blog be? Here it is!

I spent the morning helping my youngest prepare for her trip to Chicago with her school. "Socks?" "Yep", "Panties?" "Yep", "Tooth paste?" "Yep". One after the other we checked off the items; loaded the car and drove to the school. Avery climbed out of the car I handed her the suitcase, hugged her and off she went. I climbed back into the car and there sat her homework. As I ran towards her with her papers, she came up to me and said "Mom you are amazing, thanks." Back to the car I went with a spring in my step and a reminder of how great being a Mom really is. These last few days have been tough. I have not been sleeping well and I have felt unsettled and full of anxiety. When my daughter told me I was awesome, I suddenly thought, "You know what? I am". As a mom you do not have a report card or review other then the moments when you get it right with your kids and they tell you that you got it right. As I spoke with my daughter Ashleigh the other day about the events that have been unfolding with my Dad's passing, she shared words of comfort and caring, hearing her tell me that she loved me and supported me, was another A on my Mom report card. I have gotten so caught up in someone else's vision of who I am that I forgot that they were wrong. It all still hurts, all the little things that keep burbling up from down south, but that is not the definition of me. I cannot allow these things to affect me or my self esteem. My greatest gage of who I am is the fabulous family that I have. Three loving, caring (most days) children and a wonderful husband that works hard and makes many of my dreams come true.

 I am not making any promises, I could slip off my happy cloud any minute and fall flat on my self esteem, but for now I am standing tall and roaring loudly. I must get back to the business I started…mothering. Besides, Mothers Day is only days away I need to put in a good word for myself with my bosses.

Day 255 The Perfect Mom Project

When I spoke with my youngest sister Kelie yesterday to find out what the arrangements for my Dad would be she said, "Teresa and I think it would be better if you stay home and just come to the memorial in Michigan". I was so hurt and sad. Kelie went on to explain that the woman my Dad had married had insisted on putting my name in the obituary that my Mom and Dad used to call me even though I had my name legally changed several years ago. The woman, insisted that she would use the wrong name even after two of my sisters objected. Apparently she told them that's what my parents called me and that is what she was going to use. Never mind the fact that she knows nothing about me or my life r honestly my family. Actually when my Mom had died my Dad had done the same thing, I can only assume that since my Dad and this woman were dating when my Mom died that she was there when he made the same decision a year ago. It hurt then and it hurts now. I have used my name for 32 years. I have used my middle name which was also my granddaddy's middle name. It means a great deal to me and that's who I am.

After my conversation with Kelie, I was hurt and sad, and I knew there was more to the story, but I did not want to press my sister about it. She had apologized over and over, and I just told her, it was OK. They had been through enough being down there and this was something I could work through. Then I called Mark, hurt and upset and asked him to please come home. On his way home he called Kelie to find out what was going on, and that's when he heard the truth. Apparently, I am never allowed in my parent's house again because of what I took from the house at Thanksgiving. Mark and I are not sure what that is about. They opened the door to a bedroom while we were there and said if I wanted something of my Mom's I could choose from that room; and that is what I did. My Mom's ashes were in there, so that is what I took. I also took a box of hankies that were my Grandmothers and some picture albums. I let my girls each choose items that they would want, and then I left. I guess she told my sisters, that I did not get the items approved before I took them. Approved by whom? They were my Mom's and everything my girls and I chose were all items that would mean something to only us. The only item that might have upset them was my Mom's ashes. OH WELL!! I was not leaving my Mom in the house where my Dad was living with his girlfriend that he had been dating since before she died. I figured he had moved on, so Mom was best with me.

I can only assume that this woman has absorbed all of the things my Dad has said about me over the last few months and created her own picture of who I am. Although he adopted me and for 28 years he was my Dad, I was still a stepchild. He never understood me and the life I lived. He looked down on my beliefs and he made cruel hurtful decisions that have affected me and continue to affect me. Now, as it was during his illness, in his death I can only focus on my hurt. Just yesterday before the conversation with my sister, I was mourning his lose and today I am angry and resentful. I am once again a pendulum of emotion. In the next couple of weeks there will be a memorial here and I will be faced with family and friends who loved him and are sad he is gone. I will join them in mourning him, but I will also be praying that these last weeks will be the end of the hurt, that I can finally stop feeling like an unwanted outsider. I pray that the estate that my Mom left behind can finally be divided fairly and that life can move forward. This hurtfulness needs to stop.

I feel like a dog that has been beaten. I find myself flinching and anxiety ridden, worrying about what will happen next, and how it will happen. Even in the midst of all of this I am sad and confused and feeling so alone. This whole thing is so strange and unbelievable; I am not sure how to talk about it and explain it to anyone without sounding like an attention seeking liar. Yet it is all the truth, the very sad and complex truth.

 

Day 254 The Perfect Mom Project

 

The Long Walk

It has been a long walk, a very rough road, each step feeling like a mile

It is time for some rest and peace of the heart

He stands before the gate and gazes beyond seeing beauty without compare

He looks behind him at where he has been

He wants to step into this beauty, but his heart still keeps him here

Although the road was long and tiresome it is the home he has known

Family and friends gather on both sides of the gate offering comfort and love to the weary traveler

Gently, the Fathers arms wrap around his son and guide him through the gate

Now he is truly home

 

For my Dad, Glenn O'Rourke May 3, 2010

 

Day 253 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo is my little Avery at her fifth grade graduation

Today is Avery's birthday, she is 14. We started the morning with cinnamon rolls and a card and we will end the day with a good dinner that she has chosen and cake and presents. It will be a fun day for her and I am excited to share it with her, she has a treat to share with her girl friends at lunch and she is excited, so excited that she was ready to go to school a half hour early.

 

I am determined to keep her day on track. Mark and I had decided last night that if we got the call about my Dad in the middle of the night, or this morning, we would not tell the girls. We did not want Avery to lose her excitement for her special day ahead. I know my Dad would want that. About two weeks ago as I was talking to my Dad on the phone he talked about her upcoming birthday. I told him I was surprised he remembered, I told him I forget all the time and then I am racing around at the last minute. Whatever our differences are he always remembered my girls.

 

Mark and I both tense when we hear the phone. The waiting and wondering is difficult. My Dad is his own man and I am afraid that he is determined to fight God's plan. My sisters have not rested in days. My sister that lives there has tried talking with them and encouraging them to get some rest, but they do not want to leave him. We all deal with these times differently. My Dad had refused Hospice, because he felt it would bring the end all the sooner, and now when my family could use the care and comfort of the Hospice nurses, they have nothing. I am sad for all of them, Dad, my sisters and their families.

 I must focus on the plans for the day and move forward as best I can. My girls and my husband are some of the best things that have ever happened in my life and I must maintain my focus on them. They are my present and my future. Today is also my oldest daughters 2^nd anniversary. There are so many positive and happy memories today to help heal the sadness and worry. Regardless of anything else life for those left here on earth goes on.

Day 252 The Perfect Mom Project

I sit here praying my Dad will release himself into God's hands. We received a call at about 3:00 AM; the pneumonia has spread into my Dad's bloodstream. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain he has been in. I want to reach out to my sisters, but I know that right now they are focused on my Dad. All we can do now is wait.

 I told my youngest girls yesterday that their Papa was going to leave us soon, and they began to cry. It has been a difficult year for all of us having lost my Mom last year on May 22. We have been in life's blender for almost a year now and it does not seem that it is going to stop anytime soon. I have to be prepared for what might come in the next few hours. I also need to prepare for my youngest daughters 14^th birthday tomorrow. We have invited Mark's parents to come for dinner and help us celebrate Avery's birthday. I am glad they will be there to help keep us focused on the positive.

 I remember when my mom died, the very next day I had to go to the grocery store. I remember feeling like I should stop each person there and tell them that my Mom had died. It felt like the whole world should know what happened. It just seemed so wrong and inappropriate that I was grocery shopping, and yet life had to go on. I have to give Avery the birthday that she has been looking forward to. There is a cake to bake and gifts to wrap and a life to encourage and celebrate, and all while we wait for my Dad to be wrapped in Gods arms and carried home.

 God's gift will be to keep going, to begin the work of mourning and remembering. We will look back and laugh and cry at past memories and begin the process of healing all over again. The hurt and sadness of all the wrongs will need to be set aside. But for now I will pray for my Dad to reach out and take God's hand.

Day 251 The Perfect Mom Project

My Dad is in the hospital, he has pneumonia. My youngest sister called yesterday to give me this news and to let me know she was on her way down there. She left last night. I sit here with a pile of thoughts turning over and over in my head. The main thought is; I can't go. It no longer matters why, because it is so complicated. No matter which way I turn I am caught up in a reason. Some are emotional and some are practical, and they are all hovering over me like a large storm cloud.

Yesterday morning, my sister called and said that I should call Dad as soon as possible and tell him I love him. She told me not to think about it or worry about it, just do it, so I did. His voice was quiet and shaky. He was disoriented. He was not the big scary man that I have been frustrated with and angry with for all these years. He was just a very sick man who was dying and it made me sad.

There is no way to change any of the things that have happened these last few months. There is no time to fix what is broken between me and my Dad. My sister just called a few minutes ago to tell me that he will not make it out of the hospital. They have put him on morphine and they will increase it until he slips into coma and eventually dies. She thinks he will pass in the next day or two. The storm cloud continues to hover as I wonder if I am hurting my sisters even more by not being there. Will they now be angry and hurt by me? Will this ever end?