Maybe in a way it is because I feel once I put those photos away, Mom is really gone.
Now, this week I have been pulling some of the pictures off for my sister to use in a slide show for my Dad. Each picture I have pulled off has been like pulling off a band aid, there is a little pain and some scabbing. I have been going through so many photos of the years that have past and trying to find where I fit in. At this point in my life I need to just be at peace with the life that is behind me. My hope is that after the memorial on Saturday, I can let the past go and move on. There is never going to be a perfect picture.
I had a cousin tell me yesterday that she guessed my Dad could be hard and sometimes cruel in his dealings with people just like his Mother had been. It was like someone had pulled back a curtain, and given me a peek into my Dads world. I had never heard that about my Dad's Mom before and it helped me see him as a product of a life I knew nothing about…his childhood. Suddenly, I saw him as someone just trying to make their way in the world using the skills that they were given. They were not great, or even good skills, but that's who he was. He did not know how to be anything else.
I am going to keep these pictures of my Dad out for a few more days and then I am going to put them away. I am ready to step away from the hurt he has caused at least for now. I know that in the weeks to come as things are sorted out, there may be more surprises uncovered, and I am bracing myself for what he might have done in his race to "be happy" after my Mom died. As for the memory board with my Mom's photos on it, I am hoping to put them together in an album, but I cannot say when that will happen. Perhaps sometime this summer I will be able finally remove each of those band aids from the board and finally heal.
No comments:
Post a Comment