Final choir concert can now be scratched off of our list; finishing history project can be scratched off our list too. One by one all of the last of the school year items are being checked off and we are moving closer to the last day of school. There is something so delightful about coming to the end of the year. The hardest part is keeping the kids focused enough to stay engaged with their homework and school. Once it warms up outside and the classes turn to review of what has already been learned, all that is left is the exams. For Aly the high school will change even more tomorrow, it is the last day for all of the seniors and things will seem quite different up there for the last two weeks of school.
I am looking forward to having a little unstructured time. I also know that the girls are emotionally and physically fried and they need a break. They have poured all of their energy into doing well in school and they are both ready to just live out what Mark has always called, "the endless summer", I will not lie, I am looking forward to that too. I know I am getting ahead of myself, we still have two weeks left to get through, but it feels good to be here.
I am emotionally overwhelmed and I just need a break. Yesterday afternoon, it was difficult to find empathy or compassion for my kids as they discussed their frustrations with school. All I kept thinking about was how I could escape from here and get away. My stomach is in a knot. When I take a deep breath, I get that little jerky breath that happens when you are scared or on edge. I am not calm or at peace and I have tried so hard to pretend that I am that now my body has taken a hold and is rejecting the whole thing. It is like my body has decided that if I will not listen to my head, maybe I will pay attention if my stomach goes crazy. My stomach is loud and bubbly with no regard for where I am. My insides are now taking over where my head has failed.
I hope that by having some down time I will be able to rein in some of this stress. None of the things I am struggling with are things that I can change or control and I need to release them. It is more a matter now of how. What is the secret? My gut tells me to hand it all over to God, just peel back my fingers from each stressful thing and let God have it all. That is what I hope for today, the ability to hand all of my concerns and frustrations about things I cannot control to the one who has the ultimate control. Then I can start scratching things off my list too. Oh, I do like the sound of that, I think it is time to get on the roller coaster of life, throw my hands in the air and yell, weeeeeeeee!
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