Day 278 The Perfect Mom Project

It is looking more and more like the Perfect Mom Project has hit a rough patch. I am wondering around with a bad attitude annoyed by everything and everyone. Yesterday, Aly came home from school and asked if she could have friends over to swim in our pool after school today. My immediate response was pretty close to a rolly pollie, you know the bugs that curl up in a ball when you touch them? I shut down and said "I just do not think I am up to that Aly". The idea of kids running around my yard yelling and horsing around just put me on edge. I know in the past it would have been no big deal, but somehow right now this was crossing the line. I pretend that all is OK with me, but the truth is that on the inside I am just overwhelmed and my family is the ones that are paying for it.
Just to be fair, when Avery came in from school, I jumped on her about her room and also the fact that she had a lot to do to get ready to go camping with some friends this weekend. It is a big deal, she is going to miss school and the day before yesterday we were on her about finishing a project that is due in school today. We explained to her that she would never get it done while she was gone, and having the project done and out of the way would take the pressure off. She was not happy, especially with me, instead of remaining calm, I was yelling, because I was annoyed. At dinner last night she thanked us for "making" her finish the project, because it felt good to hand it in and be done. Exactly what we had hoped would happen.
It does seem like my only form of communicating lately is yelling, which makes it hard for my family to want to listen. I am not sure how to explain to them that I am overwhelmed. It is not one person, or event, it is everything. My aunt, my dad, my house, my laundry, my groceries, my kids, my husband and all of the end of the year stuff that comes with school and soccer. The attitude I have is beyond bad, it is horrible. I am trying hard not to curl up into a ball, but that is what I am doing. If someone talks to me or wants something from me, I snip at them in hopes they will go away and leave me alone. Every day I wait for something else more hurtful to come up about my Dad and the things he has done with his will. I have gotten calls from my sister that is down there asking me what I want of my families that was in the house and all I can think is "I want to choose these things myself", I want to hold them and turn them over and see if it is truly what I want, because so far, the things I know my Mom would want me to have like her china and crystal and the doll I mentioned a while back, I have been told the woman Dad married is keeping.
My Aunt has me wound so tight, because I am still aggravated about her comment that her choices are none of our business. I have a hard time being motivated to care for her needs, when she shows no respect for our time at all. My husband goes to her house at least once a week to get her mail and to check on her house, then he goes to where she is living and writes out her bills for her and then mails them. I care for the behind the scenes stuff, like paperwork, moving her, taking the calls from the doctors, caregivers and friends and picking up items like bath soap and lotion for her skin. I also visit her once a week. I believe in my heart that she is our business and her choices affect us too.
Throw in the normal teenage attitudes around my house and my rage at the disrespect my Dad heaped on my mother the last months of her life and after she died, and you have a walking time bomb. I am coiled in so tight, no one is safe. I did have a small change of heart this morning as I was walking with my friends at the crack of dawn. When I came in the house, I told Aly that she could have friends over later for a bonfire. I figured at least by then Mark would be home to help with the fire starting and kid control. It was at least an attempt at throwing her a bone. Everyone should not have to suffer, because I am. I know I am not OK right now, and all I can do is wait this out. Apparently, anxiety is my new mood, and it is not pretty, not at all!!