Day 272 The Perfect Mom Project

One year ago today my Mom passed away. I remember getting the call it was about 11:00PM on a Friday night. My heart and mind are full. I know that I would not and could not change anything that lead up to that day. I also know that the moments that I spent with my Mom the weeks before she died were precious and I am still able to remember our conversations. I was not there when she passed. I choose not to go down to New Orleans. There are many reasons for that choice, and I have no regrets.

 I remember holding my Mom's hand during one of my visits and looking into her eyes and telling her that I loved her, she looked back at me and said "I love you too, but you need to take care of you". I felt at that moment she was giving me permission to release her. She knew I loved her. I believe that she knew there were difficult hurtful things happening and about to happen and she wanted to protect me. I remember climbing in the car after the visit and my oldest daughter Ashleigh (who had made the trip with me) and I held each other and cried. We cried because we loved her so much and it was so hard to see her the way she was. We cried because it felt like life as we knew it was spinning out of control and we could not stop it. Mostly we cried because we could not help her.

 I have said many times that my Mom was not a Mom to me. I will always love her, because she is all I ever knew as a Mom, but she did not have the gift of mothering. I also know that her own mother did not have the gift of mothering, which helps me release my mom from some of the responsibility. Being a Mom is not an easy job, it does not come with a user's manual or a job description, it is a job that comes from your heart and my Mom, only had room for herself in her heart. I am no longer angry with her. I no longer feel cheated because of my difficult childhood; so many people have had it much worse.
Mom did give me the gift of being able to laugh at myself. She also helped me see the funny side of life. There are days that I suddenly have her gift of creating. Music was an important part of Mom's life and it is a gift that I now share with all of my girls. I will always love cake like my Mom, and each time I see my youngest Avery searching for something sweet, I know my Mom is there inside of her. My oldest daughter Ashleigh looks like my Mom and she has my Moms sense of humor, she also has my Mom's gift for dance. My middle daughter Aly has my Moms gift of staying focused on a task. Mom could sew anything and she would work for hours and hours to complete her beautiful creations.

 Mom lives today in each of us. She is thriving and happy as she dances in each of our hearts. Mom, will now be the past, and we must be the future. I step out today with my full heart living my Mom's words, with one slight change. I will not only take care of me, I will be taking care of my husband and children too. One year ago life took a turn, and I think maybe I am finally stepping back onto the right path, no regrets, that's life and I'm living it!