Stalemate

I have been sitting here for ½ an hour this morning staring at my computer screen wanting to write about things I shouldn’t. I have so many things inside me that I would normally share and now I find I just can’t. After all these years of being an open book and writing out loud my heartfelt thoughts and feelings, I am starting to believe that I have run my course and that it is time to look for a new outlet.

I will continue to write, but I think and as you may have noticed it will be more limited. It is not as easy these days to open up my heart and share. Many of you have been so supportive and encouraging and I appreciate that more then you know. I just am struggling with things that I prefer to keep private and as hard as I try to find a way to write about them without sharing more than I should it is not possible. Basically I am stalemated. I have much to share but my heart tells me it is not the right time.

I ask that you be patient and continue to check in. I plan to write when I feel I can and as often as I can, but I can no longer live with the rigid schedule I had assigned myself of writing every morning. I will try other times and write about other things but in the end it will not be what you have grown to expect from me. I do hope that what you find when you peek in on me will be something you still enjoy.

Red Exclamation Point

I have realized that I am carrying around some hostility. There is an underlying current of frustration and sadness and until this morning I could not put my finger on it. After a terse morning with my husband and time to quietly reflect, it hit me. Everyone’s everything is more important than my anything.

This is big news and requires a giant red exclamation point, like the kind you put on an important email or priority item. I have been shoving my feelings down inside and just letting things go for so long that I did not even realize what was happening until this morning when the fact that some mail I had asked to be shredded was still on the counter several days past my breaking point. There are many other things happening here at Casa Beadle that have me feeling unimportant and servant like, but the fact that when I mentioned my annoyance (or aggravation) about the papers (still piled on my counter) I received a in kind aggravated response it put me in a tail spin. I am actually trying to control the urge to just cover this entire page with red exclamation points.

How did things get to this point? When did I quietly slip away? I consider myself a pretty straight forward person. I usually speak my mind and I do not have a problem speaking up when I do not agree with something, yet here I am being smacked in the face with the fact that I have just given up. It was a slow quiet process and I didn’t even sense what was happening. At odd moments I would think to speak up and then I would stop myself with a quiet reminder to myself (in my head) that it was not worth the energy…that nothing will change.

So today is a new day, one of my favorite quotes is from Gandhi “Be the change you want to see in the world.” I would like to say that my day started as me being the change, but what I was, was an angry frustrated woman who was allowing everyone’s everything to be more important than my own anything. I was now snarping and bitter rather than just saying the truth of what was happening and not allowing it to continue.

I want to be the change.

The real trick will be getting the rest of this household to change too. People here are used to me saying things, but now I am getting serious and it could become uncomfortable…for everyone. I have thrown my feelings out from time to time, but when the chips were down, I would reel those same feelings back in so that there were no ruffled feathers. Do not get me wrong, I have still ruffled feathers but usually it is when I have kept quiet for too long and instead of just being point blank, I become a bottle rocket.

For now I will hold off on the red exclamation points and just try to work through this situation a little more calmly than I did this morning. I do not take pride in sending anyone out into the world with a bad attitude in the morning and for that I owe my husband an apology. I do however believe that at some point I need to reclaim the Me that I want to be and pack away this person that I do not know and really do not like. I do not have a problem with everyone else’s everything being important, as long as it does not come at the expense of my anything.

Writing

As you may have noticed, I have not been as dedicated to my writing as I once was. In the past I was pouring my thoughts and feelings out every day. I would direct my pen (or keyboard) in any direction without a second thought, writing is my therapy and I enjoyed having therapy every single day.

Suddenly I am faced with a whole new set of life changing events and writing seems more difficult. I have an adult daughter living back at home and looking for work. I have a middle daughter off at college who is thriving, plus a youngest that is Co-President of the junior class, works on student council, has an advanced placement English class, pre calculus, and four other classes, a part-time job and she is also in voice lessons plus she is planning on trying out for the high schools fall theatre production. Honestly, I have too much to write about.

The trouble is that it is hard for me to write about the ups and downs of having my adult daughter here at home. I find myself unrealistically annoyed by things that I must learn to live with. If I write about the annoyance today, it will be water under the bridge tomorrow and then I have launched out into the world my aggravation and there is no way to get it back. I am trying to adjust to having someone who is set in their ways coming back into the mix. The biggest challenge I see is the fact that for her, she is coming home and fitting back into her old life, when she has established herself out in the real world with her own routines and her own schedules. The tricky part is my routines and schedules are different. Trust me some days are just not easy. If I say anything I may hurt her feelings and if I don’t, I walk around with a giant chip on my shoulder until I get over it.

Most days I chose the giant chip on shoulder attitude. It makes for some tense moments, but I figure it is better than starting a disagreement over a minor issue that feels giant sized at the time. If I can just hold on until the frustration has subsided I can usually talk about what is bothering me in a fairly decent tone. Mind you this is an all day project that requires me to deep breath and remind myself that we are helping our daughter get back on her feet, that this IS temporary and finally one day when my house is empty I will miss them all terribly.

My college co-ed daughter has found her wings and writing about her seems almost like bragging. She is happy, challenged and busy learning how to live life on her own for the first time. This of course means that next spring I will have another daughter home that has her own schedule and routines. Let us all just take a moment to think about how fun that is going to be…is anyone else thinking what I am thinking? I will possibly then have two children at home that I have absolutely no control over. This could potentially be the most difficult parenting trap yet. How do I live in my house while everyone around me is acting like it is their house and showing no interest in what works best for me?…sigh.

Finally there is my youngest, which complains constantly about being too busy and then ends up with more to do. Honestly, I am afraid she learned this behavior from me. There is a distinct familiarity about her patterns that I recognize and I find myself waffling back and forth between pride and worry. I want to tell her that it is ok to say no and then I say (like I do for myself) “well, you do not want to miss out” or “You can handle it”. I am totally raising another over achiever and I have just realized where the pattern started. I would feel really bad about it, but I have heard that you have to heal yourself before you can heal others and…well…there is no healing happening for me anytime soon.

So you see the writing is a little more complicated now. It is not just about all the estate nonsense (Yes that is still going on!). There are new pieces to my life puzzle that I am working hard to find a spot for. Oh, what the heck, I guess I can dump some of this on you too from time to time too. Just know that some days I may need to write but I just can’t and some days I will write and I probably should not. As long as we have that understanding we will be just fine.

Making your Mark

Lately, I have been very aware that my opportunity to make my mark is slowly slipping through my fingers. I realize that because I write out my thoughts and feelings for the world to see my mark may have already been made in some people’s opinion, but I am feeling this strong pull to be the person that is remembered well.

Yesterday as my daughter Ashleigh and I were poking around Target, we found ourselves spritzing fragrances. One in particular had us both thinking of my Mom. It was a small travel size bottle of gardenia body spray and once we released it into the air with both thought of my Mom. I immediately had tears in my eye and a lump in my throat. My Mom is and always will be remembered, as much for her wackiness as anything else. Miss Mary was a quirky woman who was severely irreverent, however in the right circumstances she could become a very refined and elegant woman. There are days when I know that she lives on in me.

My Dad is never far from my mind, most often because of the crap load of mess he has left my sister and me to deal with when he put his mitts into the Trust that my Mom and he had put into place for when they died. At this point I realize that whether I like it or not what is happening is nothing that I can change and I have taken to deep breaths when dealing with the daily frustrations of this fiasco. My Dad was not someone you would cross. Dad had a way of convincing you that you wanted exactly what he wanted regardless if you really did. Here is the important part, the poet Maya Angelou has said “When people show you who they are believe them”. Dad showed me who he was, but I always doubted what I was seeing, leaning towards the fact that he was family and well…he would never intentionally hurt family…we all know how that turned out. The sad fact is that for me my memories of my Dad are of the hurt he has inflicted on our family so that he alone would be happy. Not exactly a stellar legacy in my opinion. There will be no reminiscing in the aisles of Target about him for me.

I hope that I can be the person that people believe has a good heart and loving spirit. I hope that when I am gone people will laugh at memories we have had together and remember them fondly. I want to leave my mark softly with love and laughter and have the scent of my life be recognized one random day for no other reason than people believed whom I was and our time together leaves a pleasant mark. What would you like your mark to be?

Life Happens

You know the saying: Life happens while you are making other plans? Well, life happens whether you like it or not is another possible turn of that phrase. Yesterday afternoon after all my chest pounding about not being worthy of a shelf stocking truck unloading job, the phone rang and well…you know, they offered me the job.

Here is the thing, I don’t want it anymore. I mean we have talked about this and we all know that for me right now I am where I am suppose to be, but I am not going to lie I felt a lot better about myself after I declined their offer. I actually had been feeling like I had no redeeming talents in my work life toolbox. I was beginning to worry that if something happened and my help was needed to keep the financial home fires burning, I would be out of luck.

That one call yesterday brought my self esteem up a notch and helped me realize that you just have to ride life’s wave. Nothing, absolutely N O T H I N G happens the way we think it should, everything happens the way it is supposed to. People do not call when you want them to, cars do not start when you need them to, our kids do not listen the way they are supposed to and promises are not kept.  In the end it is all okay.

I have no illusions that I am done trying to cram more things into my life. It is what I do best, over stocking my life shelves is all part of who I am (Like how I put the shelf stocking part in there?), but I am walking away a little smarter and a little less ready to jump on every event and job out there. I am ready to sit back and release control a little bit and let life “happen” without me forcing it.

 Just the other night I was invited to a local Woman’s philanthropic organization for their first meeting of the year. It was not something I had planned on and when the out of the blue invite came I thought…“why not!” That decision tuned out to be a life happens moment. I ended up reconnecting with women I had not talked to in sometime and one woman in particular made that evening the most memorable when she said “I am so glad you came, I have always had a warm place in my heart for you”.

That one comment warmed my heart and helped me realize that sometimes when you are not even trying or planning on it, you touch another life. Life just happens and working hard to fill a void is not the answer. Riding the wave, letting life happen whether you like it or not, puts you where you need to be.  You hear and feel things that no amount of heavy lifting or planning could possibly conjure up for you. I have let go, I have declined an opportunity and at the same time opened myself up to my life and its agenda.

Twenty Years Ago Today...

It has been twenty years…some years seemed longer than others but we made it through. We have laughed until our stomachs hurt and cried over life and its mighty blows. We have raised three beautiful girls and lost grandparents, a niece, a Mom and a Dad. Yet we remain rock solid and completely invested in walking this path together.

This has not been an easy twenty years, I am no walk in the park believe me! I have tried Mark’s patience more than once…ok probably way more than twenty times, but he has not always been a piece of cake either. The best part is that after twenty years you are through the adjustment period, you know the person pretty well and you over look a lot.

I know that we have an investment in each other. We know what to expect and when we do surprise each other it is always for the good. We have helped each other through the tough stuff and I cannot imagine my life any other way or with any other person. I truly believe that I am living God’s plan for my life. I like that we sometimes pull away from each other because of stress or some other issue, but always end up together. We know that there is no safer place to fall then into each other’s arms.

Twenty years ago today I married my best friend and I am pleased to tell you we are still best friends today. Nothing about being married is easy, you are not only marrying your partner you are marrying their family and their issues. I remember someone liking it to carrying luggage into your life. You take on a life partner and you end up with lots of extra baggage! Obviously if you have been reading this blog for a while you know that Mark ended up with a lot of extra baggage when I walked into his life!

Today and everyday and everyday forward I am a lucky lady, with a great life and a fabulous husband and friend. I know that God willing we will go out of this world knowing we hung in there and made as much of the extra baggage disappear as we could and found places to tuck the baggage we did not know what to do with. All this so we can say I LOVE YOU to each other for as long as we can, laugh some more, cry some more and live life together.

Nine Eleven

9/11/01 early in the morning I was preparing to spend the morning cleaning and then meeting Mark to sign papers for our refinancing later in the day. We were thrilled to have a shot at a lower interest rate on our mortgage. My normal day generally does not involve watching TV, but for some reason that morning I turned the television on while I was dusting. That is when I first saw and heard America’s heart change forever.

This morning on the radio there was a discussion about whether or not we Americans feel safe and if the measures put in place to protect us work. There were comments about the TSA and their intense measures monitoring the airports, there were also comments about how safe people feel.  What struck me the most was that the destruction and horror of that day has faded and we are now comfortable debating how safe we are and what is right and wrong with the system that is now in place. As Americans we had a false sense of being untouchable and above the nations that struggled with terrorism and here we were learning first hand that we were never more than seconds away from having our lives change forever.

I remember where I was that day and how I felt. I remember talking to my Mom and telling her that I loved her. I remember wanting to go up to the school to bring my children home but knowing that I did not want them to watch me spending my day glued to the horror that was unfolding in front of all of us on the television. Most of all, I remember the sadness. The very next day I had to run an errand at a department store. It felt inappropriate, but it was necessary. As I stood at the register a moment of silence was announced as requested by the President and the cashier took my hand and the hand of the woman behind me and we bowed our heads and cried.

The pace of life was changed, if only for a while. People seemed more patient with each other and everyone seemed to understand that you just cannot sweat the little things. America wept for those that were lost and our hearts were tender. Eleven years later we are still struck by the shock of that day. We are reminded through images the heart wrenching moments and the unbelievable miracles of that day but our full throttle pace has returned and our hearts while still tender seem less interested in kindness and patience. Life goes on.

The moments that will always dominate my memory of 9/11/01 is talking to my Mom and telling her that I love her because not long after that her memory gave way and I lost the essence of whom she was. I will also remember the awkward feeling of signing refinancing papers when it seemed the world might end. Most of all I remember holding hands with two strangers and crying and knowing that in that moment with all that was wrong in our America, three people that knew nothing of one another held hands and wept.

Finding Where I Fit

I am certain that most of my friends and family are sick of me trying to “find myself”. I have been looking for myself everywhere thinking it vital that I become employed or occupied in some way.  I think I just figured out that I am fine right where I am and I need to stop trying so hard.

A few weeks ago I had written about a job I applied for at a local craft store. I interviewed and had waited expectantly for the call telling me I was hired. As the days went on I started to realize that that was not what I wanted to do at all. I was not the least bit interested anymore. I decided I would just tell them I had found something else, but they never called. Not even getting a call was difficult to take. I mean really I am not even good enough to stock shelves early in the morning? Tell me this would not bother you a little bit even if you did not want the stupid job!

Next I filled out paperwork for a volunteer job at our church. One day I want to do it and the next I don’t, what the heck is the matter with me? I have these papers that I received two weeks ago all filled out and there they sit in a folder saying “Are ya going to send us out or not?” Good question, it’s looking like NOT at this point. This has me feeling like a bigger loser…who volunteers at their church and then says, “Just kidding…changed my mind!”

The truth is that while I have been out looking for me I realized that I am very happy the way my life is and the thought of something job related messing with that just does not sound good. I am perfectly happy with the volunteering I already do and the small jobs that I pick up here and there, now and then. For me right now that is enough and that is okay.

You see finding yourself is great if you are floundering around but I am not. I am content and I have been struggling with some displaced guilt that what I do here at home and out in the world is just not enough, but it is. Honestly, what am I proving if I hoist boxes and stock shelves? Will I be happy if I am driving a ½ hour to volunteer at church doing data entry a couple times a week or will I be stressed? The truth is I am trying too hard to find something that fits my life and at this time nothing else fits.

I have found myself right where I left myself and I am glad to be back. I am working hard not to consider myself lazy because I do not want to add anything else to my life. I know when the time is right and the door opens to a new opportunity I will be ready. In the mean time I will stop blabbering on and on about what I am going to do with myself (this will make many people happy) and just stand in who I am and stop trying so hard to fit another mold of me.