Happy New Year

It is New Years Eve. Tonight people will be gathering together in excitement over the ball dropping in Times Square and the possibility of the New Year ahead being better than the year behind. There will be large groups and small groups, organized groups and spur of the moment groups. No matter what the celebration or group size the New Year will begin tomorrow morning at 12:01 AM.

 Ahhhh, the thought of a new year and a new start is exciting. The potential for the coming year to be even better than the last is like the feeling you have after a long day. You climb in bed in anticipation of the next day being a little easier and your rest being just enough.

 As I look ahead to tomorrow and the New Year I find myself looking forward to the possibility that I can finally put my parents to rest. I hope that all of the estate issues will resolve and that everyone involved can finally move on with their lives. I pray that Mark will find a job and be able to get back to work. These last two weeks have been a whirlwind and it has been easy to stay busy, but next week when life picks up where it left off, he will be faced with lots of time on his hands and I know that for him the possibility of endless amounts of time and a wife with a list of things to be done around the house will be less than appetizing. There is also a daughter graduating from high school in the coming year and many activities and plans ahead. No dull moments are in the coming year.

Here at our home we will all be heading in different directions tonight and in the year to come, but we will all be here for each other when the ball drops and the chips are down. I look forward to a year of challenge and excitement, opportunity and learning. There will be joy and sorrow and it will all be life happening just like it does every day of every year. My hope is that one and all have a safe New Years Eve with family and friends and a prosperous New Year. I also pray that all the challenges you face are conquered and that all the blessings you receive are bountiful. Happy New Year!

Persevere

 There is a line in Finding Nemo, the 2003 Disney/Pixar animated film. In it the fish Dora (a family favorite) sings, "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming", as she and Marlon (Nemo's dad) search the Ocean for Nemo. Our family has adopted that phrase and uses it often in situations where we must propel forward in an event or life circumstance that is trying our patience.

The holidays are generally one of those times when you will hear me singing "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming". The process of preparation for the holidays and then the actual holidays themselves which include meeting and greeting with friends and family with the final cleaning up from the whole holiday hoopla, keep me persevering with my head down like a battering ram and my mind focused on completing each and every task. Just like Dora and Marlon, I have a goal set and I do not stop until everything is complete.

There are times where my desire to make every moment for my family and friends lovely, can suck the life out of me. I forget to put the oxygen mask on myself and I keep plugging away trying to make sure that everyone around me is happy and satisfied while I am withering from trying so hard to "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming". This week I am feeling this more than ever. We have been invited to spend time with friends and family, and we are enjoying being busy, but I am tired and I am wishing I could cling to the shore for a little while and rest my mind and body.

Things like my cupcake fiasco from earlier this week have me feeling a bit overwhelmed, but I kept at it and remade them yesterday and I am happy to say that the end product was wonderful. The swimming its self might not be the trouble, it could just be my response to all the activity. Just persevering and not giving up sounds so simple, but it requires a good deal of self motivation and some days that is not easy to come by.

This morning as I shared my list of items I want to accomplish today with my husband, Mark, he had a look on his face that said, "Woman, do you ever stop?" So here are the questions of the day if you are "swimming, swimming, swimming, is that persevering? Is persevering a positive keep plugging away kind of thing or a vehicle that propels you towards never resting and relaxing because you have to keep at "It"?

In the case of the cupcakes, persevering was a good thing, so perhaps it would be best to take each event as it comes. For now I am swimming, swimming, swimming and hoping to make it to the New Year with a little energy left to spare. The New Year will bring new challenges and more swimming will be required so for now persevering will remain on my agenda and I will keep at "It" whatever that is.

The Failed Cupcakes



The Fabulous Malted Milk Cupcakes...perseverence paid off!



Angry Birds

Perhaps you are familiar with the new personal game phenomenon Angry Birds. Honestly until Tuesday of last week I was aware of it, but happily not interested or involved in the game. On Tuesday last week, my husband, Mark, handed me his IPhone and opened up the game on his phone for me to play so that I would discontinue my comments about his driving in the insane holiday traffic by our local shopping mall.

This game if you are not familiar involves a variety of birds being tossed at green pig like creatures. The goal is to smash them or blow the green pig like creatures up for points. The tossing is done by a sling shot and each type of bird has a different skill. I only know this because I am now a part of the phenomenon. I have been pitching birds at pigs for about a week now.

The bar for my Angry Bird pitching was raised when for Christmas my husband gave me an IPad. I did not ask for an IPad nor did I ever think I wanted an IPad, but now that I have one I am growing attached. Of course the first App item I downloaded was Angry Birds this was the free App, and I am now proud to say I have completed the entire App and I am being coerced by my husband to purchase the more extended and complicated version of Angry Birds.

Here are some things I have noticed about Angry Birds:

1. Angry Birds creates angry frustrated people
   
2. Angry Birds is a time frittering game which parallels Facebook in wasted time
   
3. Once you start Angry Birds you are part of a quest that becomes as sacred and intense as the search for the ring in Lord Of The Rings
   
4. You find yourself questioning your gifts and talents based on bird flinging
   
5. Despite the downsides it is challenging and one good shot at a bird is as good as a hole in one in golf in redeeming the game for another day
   

If you are not familiar with Angry Birds, perhaps you may have seen the large red bird head and yellow bird head pillows in various stores, or maybe even the green headed pig pillow or the blankets and pajamas and all of the other money wasting items that are all part of this phenomenon. When it comes to this game, all I can say is "you can run, but you cannot hide" it is only a matter of time before some well meaning friend suggests that you try to play "for fun" and then you will be sucked in and unable to judge all of the time wasting Angry Bird players because you will be one too.

Making Other Plans

I have said it before and today proves the theory, "Life is what happens when you are making other plans." Last night I spent the night with my oldest daughter Ashleigh in her new apartment. We enjoyed a great visit and I was able to see Ashleigh's beautiful holiday decorations and spend some time relaxing with her.

 This morning I hit the road fairly early thinking of all the things I wanted to accomplish today. As I drew closer to home I realized this little red light that looks like a battery kept flashing at me and the words "battery not charging" flashed on my dash board. Since it is a delightfully invigorating 24 degrees Celsius I was worried I would be stranded on the side of the road frozen. It did not help that I had just passed a rest area (thinking I could make it home without stopping to use the ladies room) when the little red battery started flashing. All my plans for the day started to slowly meld into a pile of frustration.

 Once off the expressway I felt like I was on the wings of an Angel as I drove along hitting every green light. My fear was that if I stopped, I might be stranded and a tow truck would be in my future. With just about twenty minutes left in my ride, I called home and let Mark know I was going to take the car right to where we normally go for car repairs and asked if he could pick me up. Once again I was worried we would be footing the bill for a tow truck and I hoped to avoid that issue completely.

 I was able to make it to the repair shop and Mark came to pick me up. I was definitely fortunate that I made it all the way home. Once home I prepared to make cupcakes to take along to our Christmas with our Goddaughter and her family tomorrow. My thought was I would make the Malted Milk cupcakes today and frost them tomorrow. Well, apparently the recipe that I had pulled from an online recipe website had converted the European ratios incorrectly and I ended up adding two tablespoons of baking powder instead of two teaspoons. Let's just say that as I was putting the baking powder in, I knew it was too much, but did not bother to check another cookbook for accuracy. Needless to say I had a doughy mess on my hands when I pulled the pan from the oven. The upside is that although they looked terrible, Avery and I sampled the mess and discerned that once balanced with the right amount of baking soda, these cupcakes will be delicious!

 I fully intend to play this day out to the end. This afternoon, I am going to do a little shopping with my family so the girls can use the gift cards they received for Christmas and then perhaps if I feel gutsy enough later tonight, I might take another shot at the Malted Milk cupcakes. As for my car, I am still waiting to hear, but the gentleman at the shop where I dropped the car off mentioned that it might be the alternator and then added, "If it is the alternator it will be pricey". Great, that is something to look forward to. Life is happening like crazy today and it is not playing out like I planned at all. I am just going to have to roll with it, what other choice do I have?

Last time I checked, cupcakes should rise in the middle,
 this mess was not part of my plan!

In a Blink

All of the shopping, spending, wrapping and unwrapping are over. In a blink the Christmas holidays are over and the New Year is cresting. In a matter of days we will be faced with a clean slate and the chance to make a new year into a better year for ourselves. Here is a list of ideas I have for myself to make the New Year a better year, perhaps one will strike a chord with you.

1. Less stress…however I can obtain it.
   
2. Letting go of the idea I can change others or how they think.
   
3. Loving those that care enough to get who I am and letting go of those that do not get me and want me to change.
   
4. Wishing less and making a life with what I am given.
   
5. Working on the process of letting go…the past…children…anger…expectations.
   
6. Make time for the people that really matter.
   
7. Fill my life with…sunshine, candle light, starry skies…looking for light in darkness.
   
8. Enjoying the small moments and the big surprises.
   
9. Handing God the oars to my boat.
   
10. Learn something new, it is time for a challenge
    

In a blink, time has moved on and standing on the other side of Christmas and the New Year is opportunity. All that is required is to embrace the opportunity and move into the New Year with the understanding that your lists may not be completed and your plans may not turn out like you had hoped, but life happens when we are making other plans so be open to what comes your way whether it is on your list of ways to have a better year or it is a slice of life flung from the sidelines. In the end, you blink and a new year begins whether you are ready or not.

MIA

I am not missing in action! I just wanted to drop by and let you know that I have not fallen off the face of the earth and I have not stopped writing, I am just elbow deep in the Christmas preparation phase and have not had an extra minute to write.

 Yesterday I had a choice of either writing or stepping outside for a walk/attempt to run, and I chose the latter of the two. Since my surgery, I have not been able to run because it caused me some pain. The running portion was a bit uncomfortable, but I forged ahead just for the mental cleansing the exercise brings me.

 I hope that the holiday is happy for you, and that your preparations go smoothly. I also hope that somewhere in your day there is time for you to relax and put your feet up, even if it is just for a moment. Sometimes it is hard to remember that your holiday is just as important as everyone else's.

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

I will be back on Tuesday with lots of crazy stories about the deeper end of the pond.

Tick Tick Tick

I have an announcement to make, I HAVE COMPLETED MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING! Phew, what a relief to finally be done. In the process I took back almost all the items on a 16 inch long receipt from a stop on Black Friday (the day after Thanksgiving) and I fussed and worried about every detail. Will it be liked? Is it cute? Is it too much money or is it too cheap? In the end it is all just a roll of the dice and you do the best you can. You just have to trust your gut and let it go.

Time is running out, there are still meals to prepare for, which require another trip (or two) to the grocery and I as I sit here smugly announcing that I am done shopping, I realize I have a whole section of my list that has been forgotten. AGH, I will be back at it today to finalize the last little bit of shopping I forgot and it will probably be smart of me to just keep my trap shut about whether I am done or not until the final gift has been opened!

I have not been as organized with my lists this year. With last minute tax items in Aunt Nina's estate that I was taking care of, the ongoing nonsense with my Mom's estate and of course Mark being laid off last Friday, my mind has not been fully on the Christmas game. I am working hard to pull it together in the final stretch, but all I keep hearing is Tick, Tick, Tick!

I hope that I can finish the wrapping that I have tonight and start focusing on the grocery portion of the holiday. We are planning to entertain a couple times over the holiday and our oldest Ashleigh is heading home tomorrow night, so having food in the house will be a high priority. There are our homemade cinnamon rolls to make for Christmas morning and dinner before church on Christmas Eve, the Christmas day snacks and the friends from New York who are here visiting family that are coming to our house on Monday. This year instead of the traditional trip we make to their families home they are coming here and we are very excited.

Odds are good that no one will go hungry here and no one is going to go without a holiday gift. Everyone will have a wonderful holiday and in the end all the last minute running around will be worth it. Today the clock says tick, tick, tick but Christmas morning is not far off now and I am looking forward to a nice relaxing day with no agenda other than enjoying time with my husband and kids. The biggest thing I must remember is to not over think any of this, just breath in and out and remain calm…yeah, that's it…CALM…TICK, TICK, TICK!

 

You’re Not Alone

It is like a dream, you are in a dark endless hallway hoping to reach the end. No light and no sound except for you breathing and the fall of your feet on the floor. Your heart is pounding, your mind is racing and your fear is rising, yet you continue to walk thinking that if you just keep moving you will get to the light and you will be OK. The only thing is the hallway is really just a tough place your life has taken you and the darkness is actually the thoughts you are thinking and the untruths that you believe about yourself.

Know this, you're not alone. This darkness is not quantified, you cannot decide your darkness is less than another's and you cannot assume that it is more. It is your darkness and the pain is your pain and at the same time the walk is yours to make. Regardless the path is worn from the many that have walked in similar shoes.

Still, you're not alone. Those that love you cannot walk the path with you. It is your trial and you must move through it to move past it, but we are there with love in our hearts. Sometimes you cannot see us and sometimes you will think we do not care, but the only way to shed this darkness and move past this is to go it alone. The person that emerges in the end will be like a phoenix and a force to be reckoned with. I already see signs of the fiery feathers bursting forth and they are beautiful to behold.

Think of the joy when this time of darkness passes (and it will). Think of the lessons you have learned, both about yourself and about people. Believe that you are more than what this time has led you to believe about yourself and never and (I mean this) NEVER think you're alone.

You are in a dark endless hallway but you will come out of it. You have the power and in the words of Glenda the good witch from The Wizard of Oz "You have always had the power". Your heart is pounding, your mind is racing and your fear is rising, but this energy will propel you forward. Believe you are strong, believe that you are loved and know without a doubt you are not alone.

Holiday Senses

Sense of smell: Cinnamon, fresh pine, cookies baking, cold, clear fresh air

Sense of calm: intermittent

Sense of joy: See above

Sense of humor: The ability to laugh at myself and others keeps me going

Sense of sight: Christmas decorations, dusting of snow, looking at gifts to be wrapped, one beautiful star in the sky

Sense of warmth: Cozy fires, cuddly hugs, warm coffee or cider

Sense of love: Time with friends and family, cards from unexpected places, memories of the past

Sense of time: Time? Who has that?

Sense of wonder: Unlimited

A New Chapter

Today is my husband Mark's last day of work with the company he has worked for the last thirteen years. Quite honestly neither of us is worried or upset. We have put our concerns in God's hands and we know we are safe there. We have never been the type of people to worry about what might happen. We tend to think that our lives will all play out the way they should and that in the end we will be fine.

Mark has been on several interviews and it helps that his field of expertise is in strong demand right now. It also helps that we made the choice to leave the company rather than uproot our family and move to another state with his division. We looked at all of the options and felt that leaving the company was the best one for us. We have not wavered from that belief and we have not wavered in our feeling that this change is good for all of us.

New things bring new knowledge. Living life the same way everyday would be similar to living out your own personal Ground Hog day each and every day. Having this change helps us appreciate our lives and the blessings that we have perhaps taken for granted lately. Life goes on, it may not be in the same familiar pattern that we have grown accustomed to, but it continues and so will we.

Today a new chapter begins for my husband and our family. We expect there will be some bumps along the way, but that is life and that is what makes the story even more interesting. The job interviews continue the children prepare for their winter break that starts next week and Santa's helper (Me) has gained another elf (Mark) for this holiday. Life goes on, and aren't we lucky it does?

The Gift

On Monday I met for coffee with my friends from the Newsletter Mom's group (or the NLMS as we call ourselves now). You may recall this is a group of ladies I became friends with when my girls were in middle school. We would gather in a conference room and label and package the monthly school newsletter. In addition to the newsletter we would share stories and laugh and talk and sometimes cry together. All of these women are wonderful and I am blessed to call each one a friend.

Recently one of the women in our group went to Ecuador on a mission trip. She has gone every year that I can remember and each time comes back with amazing stories of the gifts that she shares with the people there and the joy it brings her. This year she was sharing how amazing it was to see the joy simple things brought to the children. Her mission each year has been to provide a small Christmas to many of the children there. There are usually about three thousand people that receive small gifts that the volunteers pack in their luggage and then package in small bags for the children. My friend shared with us how touched she was to see a small girl pull two colorful markers out of her small bag and with a huge smile hug them to her as if she had been given her life's fondest wish. As we chatted she also shared how her church had packaged up shoe boxes filled with small items that were sent out through the Shoebox Project and how these small gifts make a child feel special during the holiday season.

As my friend spoke, I thought back to the Christmas when I was just 10 years old. My Mom and I arrived home from a late Christmas Eve church service and as we walked up the stairs to our apartment we found a box addressed to me. Once inside I opened the box and discovered a lovely red skirt and jacket that had been handmade just for me by the daughter of a friend of my Mom's. Also inside this box was one of those Lifesaver Christmas boxes that looks like a book. I do not remember what else might have been inside the box, but to this day I remember how special I felt. I wore that outfit whenever I had the chance and each time I wore it I felt like I was stepping out of the pages of a fashion magazine.

As the Christmas holiday draws closer I realize that it is the little things that matter the most. The traditions that we love as a family and the time we spend together. The gifts are less and less important as my children get older. Each year it seems more difficult to get a list of things my children need or want. I realize how fortunate they are and I am grateful that they live a life that provides well for them. I also know that within that good fortune is a responsibility to give.

Hearing the stories my friend shared and remembering the story from my childhood keeps me focused on what is most important. It is easy to lose sight when you are scrambling to make everything special for your family that the real gift is that we have everything we need, we have each other and we are healthy. The gifts to each other are like a layer of frosting on a cake, it makes it even more delicious, but it is not absolutely necessary. This year as I make treats and gifts, I am pouring myself into them hoping that maybe they will bring a little unexpected joy to someone special. To me the giving is the better part of the gift and from the stories my friend tells about how full her heart is I suspect she feels the same way, but there is a small child in Ecuador that is smiling ear to ear today as she hugs her color markers that feels she got the better end of the deal.

A very worn school picture of me
in my beloved red suit the following Fall 1971

Over Achiever?

Yesterday a dear friend of mine accused me of being an over achiever because I made music note shaped sugar cookies for my daughter's choir class and caramel corn for the staff at the doctor's office. Hmm…could she be right? Why did I do that? Well I think I might know the reason and it came to me last night as I stood in my kitchen melting chocolate for another hair brained scheme. I like baking. I also like making treats that make people smile.

 This might explain why when I found a recipe for a vanilla and brown sugar body scrub I got excited. I know I could give this lovely gift to friends who would not appreciate a giant tub of caramel corn. This item is another reason to bring a smile to someone's face and it also will not add a pound to their body.

 Perhaps the excitement I feel when I give a gift does not make me so much an over achiever as it makes me someone who loves to give. I know years ago my brother-in-law was mocking me on Christmas because I had given a gift of a manicure and lunch to a sister-in-law. He commented that I always gave gifts where I reaped the benefit too. The truth was and still is that I love giving a gift that allows me to spend time with the person and if I cannot spend time with them I can at least give them something that I took the time to craft lovingly for them. I think it is fun to do and it brings joy to me and the gift receiver. To me this is win/win for all.
 As I spent last night dipping marshmallows in chocolate and crushed candy canes for hot cocoa and unwrapping dozens of chocolate candies to insert in the center of round pretzels to add another dimension to the choir cookie tray I sang along to Christmas carols and smiled. This was fun to me and quite honestly it was making me feel that holiday spirit I was searching for yesterday. If this means I am over achieving I can see it, but it is not for the actual desire of achieving as much as it is finding my joyful sweet (ironic) spot that allows me to ride the holiday wave into the New Year.

 My mind is racing with even more wonderful treat ideas, I still have homemade peanut butter cups to make and hot cocoa krispie treats to prepare and since I emptied the bowl of caramel corn into a package for the doctor's office, I can see another batch of that caramel goodness on the horizon as well. This elf has no time to waste today, there is cleaning to do and treats to make and somewhere in this day I must shower, make dinner and possibly wrap some presents. Maybe I am not so much an over achiever as I am someone who just likes to keep busy? That is something to think about as I toss on my Santa hat, turn on the Christmas tunes and get going.

Holiday Spirit



Santa Roxanne




Santa Louis













I suppose that all of the shopping and baking I did this weekend should have me in the holiday spirit, but honestly I am not. I loved the shopping because I went out with Avery my youngest. We had a great morning and enjoyed our time together. As for the baking, I did that on my own yesterday and as always I enjoyed it immensely.

 On my baking menu yesterday was sugar cookies and caramel corn. I started with the caramel corn. This sounds like a lot of work, but is actually very easy to make. Tomorrow is hopefully our last visit to Aly's doctor about her Pilonidal Cyst on her tailbone. We decided last month that we would take caramel corn to the staff at the doctor's office this month, since we have been visiting them for over a year now. We just wanted to do something to say thank you to everyone there for being so nice and caring so much about Aly. So the caramel corn is done, but I am sure I will be whipping up at least one more batch since it is so delicious.

 As for the sugar cookies, I made a trip out last week and found a music note cookie cutter. The girls are in the Choral at school and their Christmas concert is Wednesday. The choir director has cookie day the day after each concert, on this day the students munch on cookies while they discuss what went well at the concert and what they need to work on. I decided it would be fun to make some sugar cookies in the shape of music notes for the girls to take in on Thursday. I have not had a chance to frost the cookies yet, I was thinking I would wait until tomorrow to complete that task so that the cookies will be yummy and fresh. Once they are frosted I will take a photo of them. Honestly when it comes to cookie decorating I am not that great. I slap on some colored frosting and throw them on a plate but most people are like me and will devour anything with frosting so I am not worried about how attractive they are.

As for the holiday spirit, it comes and goes. Right now it is mostly gone. I have made no real list this year, so perhaps that is what is making the shopping unexciting. I also am not use to roaming around trying to figure out what to purchase for people. It feels so frustrating wondering from place to place hoping for inspiration and never having any. My only hope is that in the next few days I will have a burst of enthusiasm that will carry me over the gift buying threshold like a wave carries a surfer to shore, just one big Holiday wave with a curl that slowly unfurls me on the shore of Christmas Eve.

 In the mean time I look for those special things like the laughter of my girls or the smell of holiday goodies baking, the candles burning with their glow casting calming shadows or the light of the moon bright and strong in the cold night. One thing is certain, the holiday is coming whether I am in the spirit or not, so I best just pull it together and make the best of it.

This is Who I Am

There is just too much in my brain. I can write about some of it, but some of it I cannot. You should know that life is not fair, but lessons are always learned. Hearts are sometimes turned and other times you have to walk away. There are times when an explanation is necessary, and there are times when if they do not know you well enough to know the truth about you, then you should just walk away.

I am done worrying about what you think you know and what I should tell you. There is one thing you should hear from me though. This is who I am. I have never changed…ever. I am honest and caring, I give from my heart and I share who I am with you until you hurt me. I have never been greedy and I have never been hurtful, but once you hurt me…OK, honestly…once I have been hurt enough, I am done.

I do not feel like I have to prove to you that I am doing what is right. I am. I do not feel like I have to make decisions that will hurt my family to keep a hurtful person that thinks nothing of hurting others happy. You know they are hurtful, and you know that they have been corrupted and you also know that they have hurt and corrupted people you love and yet you still question my actions.

This frustration is too much for me to handle on my own, so I am giving it to God. In spite of the forgiveness, I still struggle with how to accept this situation. This person that you worry about and think has been hurt so badly is now and has always been a victim and will continue to be one, yet no matter how many times they hurt me or my family you still wonder why I walked away. Just know this, this is who I am, I am a child of God, I live to honor Him and rather than compromise myself and encourage the evil that this person represents, I have chosen to walk away from them. No explanation to them is necessary, because evil always knows what is happening and why. No explanation is necessary to you, because you have chosen to believe that I am the problem.

I still love you and care about you and I also know you are in a terrible position. I am not asking you to take a side, I am only asking that you stand aside and allow this situation to play out. No one can win this. This plan was set in motion by someone even more evil and the truth will come out and the right things will happen in time, they always do. Just please know that you do not understand what is happening and you must stop believing things you know nothing about. I have never talked to you about this because I did not want you in the middle, so please do not put yourself there. I am frustrated and hurt and I want you to believe in me just once, but I know that God does and in the end, that is all that matters.

Its Called Parenting!

Another great morning here at Casa Get Out, I ended heading to my treadmill with my headphones on and wishing my children a great day, it felt like the safest place for all of us. You see one of my children is suffering from no clothes to wear, and she seems to think it is my problem, and when I would not jump on board with her thoughts she thought I was being mean. That is when I said to her, "I am not being mean, I am being your Mom, it is called parenting!"

Here is the way it works at Casa Get Out, my children are responsible for their own laundry. However, when my children are overbooked or under pressure, they simply have to ask and I will help them out. My only rule is that if I help them, the laundry must be put away it is not allowed to linger in the laundry basket as if it is a new dresser drawer. This is how items that are still folded end up back in the laundry room and I have NO patience for that.

My daughter is a wonderful person she is kind hearted and generally easy going, but she is also a terrible planner and spends a good deal of each day wishing she had planned better. This daughter is the same one that years ago prompted me to have my children create their own homemade charts of what to remember when they would head off to school. Today I am seriously thinking of starting that program back up!

This is not brain surgery, if you are in jeopardy of having to head to school naked, it is probably time to do laundry. The best part is my daughter washed a very tiny load of clothes last night. This morning, she tells me she has no pants to wear. As I am explaining to this daughter that perhaps a load that included some pants would have been a good idea she says "Why are you being so mean to me? Stop it, stop being so mean!" Seriously? You have not seen mean yet sister!!

The icing on the cake is that as I came into the kitchen after I blew off steam on the treadmill, I found this same daughters lunch sitting on the counter and a text on my phone telling me the lunch had been forgotten, could I put it in the refrigerator. "Already on it" I thought to myself. I am hoping to find a way to gently nudge this child of mine into planning ahead, but it is not looking good right now. I think this situation may require a chart with days and times that laundry should be done, or I can just leave it alone and when she is tired of wearing her summer clothes this winter she will do some laundry.

It's called parenting, but some days it feels more like one of those survival shows they put on television. I have no book to refer to on this, but I am pretty sure that being "mean" as a parent is actually a form of tough love. That being said, this morning my tough love was not a big hit. Wait until later today when my love gets a little tougher and I have her do more laundry and make a list of things she needs to remember to do. Mom is my name and parenting is my game.

Spastic Scholastics

Last night I found myself consulting with my daughters Aly and Avery about school. Avery has already decided what courses she would like to take next year for her junior year of high school and we were chatting about why she chose certain classes over others. Aly was sharing with me that she is on the verge of a meltdown because she has an overabundance of homework right now and she is hoping she can make it through without coming completely unglued.

I am often amazed at these young women of mine. They are always surprising me with their scholastic abilities. I am certain that these gifts of intelligence and scholastic aptitude did not come from me and I often marvel at what they know and how much drive they have to learn more. There is a part of me that is jealous of the sheer ease with which they can study and learn just about anything.

I have on my hands to spastic scholastics. They were born to learn and they love to learn and I wonder how this happened. I am not a scholar. I was never the class smarty pants. I made it through school but it did not come easy to me. Watching my children dream and plan their futures and struggling with their homework makes me wish I had realized my potential when I was where my girls are now. There is no way to know why one person is bright and learns easily while another cannot figure out anything and fights to just do the minimum required.

Whatever the reason is I once again have to remind myself we are always where we are suppose to be. There is also the fact that we all have our own time and plan for our potential. What one person assumes is a failure could very well be what makes them right for something even more fulfilling in their life. I marvel that Aly has the kind of homework that challenges her to the extent that it does. I am thrilled that Avery cares so much about her life direction that she is even considering her plan so far ahead of schedule. When I step back though, I realize that just yesterday my children could barely make it out the door in one piece, so I suspect that my calling has always been motherhood.

Years ago when my oldest daughter Ashleigh was born I felt that call. I knew that I had been given a very special gift. I was entrusted with a life that, with just the right amount of love and care would become a great person, with endless potential. In time I was chosen to care for two more very special individuals, and although I have sometimes questioned whether I was truly the right person for the job, I have found that my life is rich with love and joy because of these wonderful children and the opportunity to mother them.

It was a good night. There were heart to heart talks about school and goals. There was some discussion about rest and planning and there were even a few laughs and when it was all over, my spastic scholars climbed into bed and rested their weary heads just a bit earlier than the night before. That's when I knew that I may not be a scholar, but I might have this Mom thing figured out, at least for today.

GET OUT!

Is it possible that while June Cleaver (of the 50's show Leave it to Beaver) was smiling, waving good-bye and handing lunches to her family as they headed out the door in the morning, she was actually thinking "just GET OUT"? This morning as my lovely girls were both spinning through the house growling and snarping at anyone in their way that is what I was thinking. Why do we always end up in this place?

 These young women are tired and cranky and when I have the audacity to suggest that they go to bed at an earlier time I am met with the copyrighted teen eye roll and sometimes even the comment "MOM, I am fine, NO ONE goes to bed this early!" To which I respond, "Tired people do." Early in the morning when they are running around grousing because they over slept or cannot find anything to wear I am trying to find a safe place to hide and biting my tongue till it bleeds, because a little extra sleep and a plan before bed about the next day's attire would make a huge difference in their following morning.

 I of course know that I am merely the Mom and obviously not as wise as my teens, however just once I would like to pitch these two crab apples out and yell, "GET OUT!" The other part of this annoying issue is that while I am still stewing about the horrible morning, they are skipping back in the house in the afternoon holding hands and singing Kumbaya! When will I learn? Better yet, when will they?

 I will of course be having a chat with these young ladies at dinner tonight. Perhaps just a verbal tune up about the importance of rest and that sibling bullying is just as hurtful as any other kind of bullying will set them on a calm path for the two weeks we have left before their holiday break. My emotions are living on the edge as it is right now and when my kitchen and dining room become a battle field in the morning I tend to feel battle fatigue the rest of the day.

 My recipe for calm is that everyone needs a good night's rest and a better plan about what items we will wear and what items we need in order to head out the door. I remember the little sheet we made when the girls were young. They would cut pictures from magazines of things they needed to remember for school and then glue them to a sheet of paper that I would tape to the back door. It was a great quick reference for my children and it saved me from constantly nagging them. I doubt that I can get these crabby girls on board with making these posters now, but maybe we can problem solve a plan for peace and harmony.

Whatever form this plan takes it is best for all of us if it happens quickly. I have little patience left for the behavior I was exposed to this morning and since I am no June Cleaver, I can guarantee you I was not the least bit composed as my children went out the door. My advice to Avery as she ran out the door to the car this morning (where a very crabby Aly was waiting) was, "No matter what Aly says, say nothing!" I just did not want these two girls snarping back and forth when they were driving the dark slippery winter roads to school. I also do not want to be thinking "GET OUT" about my lovely children. All I want right now is a plan for the next two weeks. Is that too much to ask? Just go to bed, get some rest and wake up with a smooth transitional plan in place. This house will never be like the Cleaver's, but whose house ever is? I just do not want another morning at my front door thinking GET OUT!

Holiday Hysteria!

Just when you think you can never possibly eat or do another thing this time of year, something new comes up and BAM, you are driving in the car going somewhere or preparing to eat another meal with more people. These events are always places and meals you would not miss for the world, however they ratchet up the pace of the holiday season and they expand your waistline to a very uncomfortable and self esteem busting size. Happy hysteria to you!

This year I am determined to not let the over scheduling and the food get me down. I am dedicated to working out, and I am usually pretty good about watching what I eat with the exception of popcorn which I cannot pass up ever, "butter in the middle too please!" So when it comes to food, I will just have to work at being realistic and enjoying myself, January is a great month to climb on the treadmill and walk off a few meals. As for my schedule well, let's just say if last weekend is any example of what lies ahead, I will just have to practice pacing myself and ride the wave. This past weekend started with a lovely dinner out with some friends on Friday night. Saturday night was our 2011 Progressive dinner which was a huge success (I only regret not getting a picture of the appetizers that Mark and I prepared). It was great fun once again moving from home to home seeing everyone's holiday décor and tasting each delicious morsel of food that was prepared for us. Sunday morning we were off again to have breakfast with Mark's parents to spend some time with them and to celebrate the birthday of Mark's Dad. The rest of the day was fairly slow paced and ended with a nice family meal.

Go, go, go, food and more food. The difference was that this time I told myself that each moment was valuable and important, each bite of food was part of a greater memory and if I thought anything different it would start the holiday hysterics playing in my head and ruin the event. I have also convinced myself that the word "NO" is not a bad word. Not being able to do something does not make me a bad person. If I choose to say no, please understand it is only because when I do spend time with you, I want it to be calm and joyful. I do not want to spend that visit racing through my head listing off all of the things I could be, or should be doing.

I really think it is possible to do everything I want and still get all the holiday hoopla accomplished, I just really want to do the traditional routine with a different attitude this year. I want the hysterics to become happiness and I want the berating that I do to myself for eating too much to end. What purpose does it serve to let another holiday come to a close with me being measured for a straight jacket? So this is my personal declaration that this year I am going to march to a new attitude and see how things play out. All of the shopping, wrapping, visiting and eating are going to be there whether I like it or not, so I am consciously choosing happiness over hysteria. How about you?

Memories

This morning I have been spending a lot of time remembering. Over Thanksgiving my husband Mark had said that he would never forget the "worst" Thanksgiving ever. Mark was referring to the Thanksgiving 2009 where we drove straight through the night to New Orleans to spend Thanksgiving with my Dad and his new girlfriend. The trip had been two fold, first to spend time with my Dad who was riddled with Cancer and whose life was in jeopardy and to also go to the meeting where he announced his crazy plans for my parents estate (see post; Day 95 The Perfect Mom Project), which included leaving his ½ to his new girlfriend who became his wife two weeks later and to let myself and my two sisters that live up here in Michigan know that A. "He deserved to be happy" (his exact words) and B. We were entitled to nothing from him, essentially because we would not allow him to dissolve my Mother's trust.

 That was not a great time, but while the memory of that time is unpleasant, I learned that day that I was tougher then I thought and that the things I had thought about my Dad were true. I had never believed what he was constantly showing me he was. I would make excuse after excuse for him in my head. I always second guessed what my gut was telling me about him. That fateful day, the day after Thanksgiving 2009 was literally Black Friday for my family. I learned that day to believe my gut and to trust my instincts.

 This saga continues to twist and turn even though my Dad has been gone over a year. I am constantly amazed at all of the deceit and greed that is still coming to the surface. It is a reminder once again that no one "deserves" to be happy, you are either happy, or you're not, period, end of story. Everyone "deserves" a shot at happiness, but most times the happiness comes in the form of something simple and unexpected. If you are busy grabbing what you deserve, your happiness may just slip by.

 I have the blessing of a very special memory. I was given my Grandmother's Mink coat after my mom died 2 years ago and I had been keeping the coat hanging in a closet. I would take it out look at it and pet it and return it to the closet. I had no interest in wearing it and being attacked by a member of PETA, so this memory of my Grandma was hidden away.

 I recently met a woman through a friend of mine that makes things for people out of their old clothing and fur coats. I was excited that our paths had crossed because I had hoped that there might be a way to get Grandma's coat out of the closet and share the memory of her with the world. I am delighted that she was able to create for me a beautiful Santa that I will be able to leave to my children to share with their families one day. For me to have this as a beautiful reminder of my love for my Grandma is beyond anything I could have ever deserved. This Santa is a beautiful reminder of my family and it makes me happy.

 Something so beautiful and simple has helped heal a wound and created a positive reflection of love and happiness for my family. This piece of art will be something my children will talk about and share stories about with each other and their families. In time the memory of the "worst" Thanksgiving 2009, will fade but probably never die, because it is a great reminder to our family that happiness is not deserved and it cannot be given to you, you have to create it for yourself. As I stop by and stroke Santa's fur I am reminded of the love I had for my Grandma and the love she had for me. That is a great memory and brings me happiness beyond compare.

Holiday Season

This weekend is our 6^th Annual Progressive Dinner with our friends. We set the date a few years ago for the first Saturday in December to kind of kick off the Holidays. This week you will find that every home involved in the dinner is planning and scurrying to make everything perfect for their guests, including our home.

Last night Mark and I took on the task of decorating the outside of our house so that it looks festive and inviting. There have been a couple of discussions about colored lights versus white lights and I have had to put my foot down about placing our white lighted reindeer anywhere near my porch where I have a lovely holiday display that features colored lights. I tried to explain that I want the eye to flow as it gazes at our home and by adding the reindeer with its white lights, it would ruin the flow. I know Mark thinks I am nuts, but it's the holidays and he expects nothing less.

I love the holidays! I love the lights and the music and the excitement. I love surprising my children on Christmas morning and I LOVE the Christmas stockings. When it comes to the holidays I can feel my heart puff up just like it did for the Grinch when he felt all the love from the Who's in Whoville. There is nothing better than driving around on Christmas Eve with my family looking at the light displays on everyone's homes, which brings me back to why it is so important to me to have the outside of my house bright and cheery.

I am not one of those people who will cover my house with a light blanket or set the lights to flash to music and I also am not a fan of Christmas music before Thanksgiving either, but the day after Thanksgiving, gang way, because I am chomping at the bit to start my holiday engines. My kick off as you may recall is the early morning shopping trip on Black Friday and it just gets bigger and better each day after that.

I was thinking back yesterday and remembering how my Mom would make Christmas so special every year. She just loved the holiday season and she has passed that love on to me. I can think of no greater treasure to pass on to my children then to love the holidays. The real trick would be carrying that same feeling into the rest of our year. That is not an easy task and something that deserves a shot as well.

The next few weeks will be a fever pitch of activities culminating with heading to church on Christmas Eve and then heading home for dinner and our annual drive to check out all the Christmas lights throughout our area, but first we have to get ready for the progressive dinner. One thing is for sure, even though it was 29 degrees and we were freezing our digits off, we ended up doing a pretty nice job on our lights, if I do say so myself. Maybe you will have to drive by and take a look. It is just a simple and understated display, but it is festive and that is what really counts as your guests walk through the door. Welcome to the holiday season!

Fair Expectations

Expectations are tricky things. You expect it to be sunny on your wedding day, but it rains. You expect people to treat you like you treat them, but they don't. You expect people to keep promises, but they let you down. You learn over time that expectations are something that you can put on yourself, but when you have expectations of anything else you are most likely headed for disappointment.

I remember years ago, I use to go to a Stay-at-home Mom conference called Hearts at Home.
Hearts at Home was a faith based conference that encouraged mothers young and old to hang in there and fight the good fight at preparing our children for life. Each year my girlfriend and I would head out kissing our families good-bye for the weekend and enjoying workshop after workshop on how to be good mothers and wives. We would drive home from the conference full of excitement and enthusiasm to share what we had learned with our families, only to open our front doors and find our homes in disarray and our families less than enthusiastic about our return.

As time went on we started lowering our expectations. We knew that we were asking a lot for our husbands to do what we did every day (just the way we always did it too!), but a girl can dream can't she? And that is exactly what it was, an unfair expectation, or a dream, if you will. We started reminding each other when we left for the conference to be happy for the time we spent pouring into ourselves and our chosen career of motherhood and come home with no expectations. It was the only way to enjoy the time away from home, open the front door and be happy to see our families. That was when I started to realize that the expectations that I placed anywhere but on myself were too high a bar for life to meet.

There is no reason to stop wishing or dreaming, but if you expect someone to act a certain way or believe as you do you will be disappointed. If you think that the way you have always done something is the best and only way, you will find in time that some may challenge your expectation when you press them. The only fair expectation is the one you put on yourself. The only fair disappointment in your expectations not being met should come when you let yourself down. I guess it is fair to say that I am still learning the lesson about expectations. I often still expect that things that others do will be different or less hurtful, or even make sense, but the real gift here is that now I can remind myself that as long as I allow myself to expect anything from anyone else it is not a fair expectation. The only fair expectation is that I will be learning this lesson for most of my life.

Making Lemonade

There are times in life when you feel like you are standing in the middle of a lemon tree orchard. You have your hands full of nothing but sour circumstances and you have no idea what to do. I would like to suggest making lemonade, by adding a little sugar that sour blend becomes a little sweeter. There is no way to change the path life is taking other then hard work and a good attitude. If you want to stand in the middle of your lemon tree orchard and wait, you may never see your way through. However, if you choose to walk through you may find that the sun is shining brightly on the other side.

 I have chosen to step out of my lemon tree orchard. I cannot change the circumstances, but I can change how I react to them. I know that if I decide to be crabby and angry, it will not change how life is playing out, so it makes sense to take a shot at being joyful and sipping on my homemade lemonade.

 I have the pleasure of knowing a woman who lives this theory every day. She is not a close friend, but I have interacted with her on and off for several years. When I see how she walks with grace through her personal trials it makes me want to learn to live that way. She finds joy in all she does, making meals for her family, caring for her friend's small children and going camping with her husband. I have seen her live through some of life's toughest moments and still come out on the other side of her lemon orchard with a thankful heart and a smile for a friend.

 This trek out of the orchard will not be easy for me. Changing how you look at life's tests takes patience, patience and strength. It is easy to become sullen and angry at things that are difficult, but with just a tweak of the heart it can be just as easy to release that sour heart and sip the sweetness of happiness and joy. Today as I look out my window at the pouring rain coming down sideways in the blustery wind, I found myself tested to find a blessing. After some thought I realized how fortunate I am to have this day to clean and refresh my home for the holidays. I plan to put on some Christmas music and dust and mop to the beat and when it is time for a break, I will enjoy the sweet lemonade I made today by changing my heart.

Food

If your home is anything like mine, the focus over the last few days has been on food. The Thanksgiving holiday requires you to heap large amounts of food in front of yourself and then polish it off. Once you are done overeating, you wait for a short amount of time and then insert some pie or dessert. I believe that the dessert portion is kind of like the rinse cycle, pie or dessert is a nice way to cleanse your pallet and let your tummy know that turkey is not your only fuel source.

Food is a fuel, and it helps keep us going. Yesterday as I sat hating myself for overeating for the last three days, I realized that while we had all eaten well and fueled our bodies, our minds and spirits were lacking. Each of us is dealing with our own emptiness and frustration and it has started taking a toll. Mark has 18 more days of work, Ashleigh's divorce will be final soon, Aly is pushing herself so hard to do well in school and finish her senior year of high school at the top of her game that she is becoming an emotional cyclone. I am in the middle of this giant financial mess that my Dad created when he died and Avery, well Avery is actually doing pretty well, although she is fighting a very bad cold.

I wish there was a way to fill each of us up with an emotional dessert. Something that would cleanse our emotional pallets and give us a break, but it seems for now there is no emotional dessert buffet open to us. Families being what they are, when one man is down, the domino principal takes over and we all go down. Thus we are all feeling the pressure and pain as one. I cannot help but feel like we just need a little emotional fuel, just a little bit of sweetness to help get us over this hump.

Do not get me wrong, we are OK and we will stay OK. This is nothing we cannot get through together it is just that we had gotten so use to riding the wave of everything being so much better that it felt a little like a sucker punch when the dominos started to fall. I wish I could take away the stress that Mark feels. I wish I could say something comforting and wise. I also wish that a simple emotional dessert would sooth my daughter Ashleigh and help her through this difficult time. It is very hard to see the people you love fighting to keep from being swallowed up by their stress and sadness.

The only fuel source I can offer them right now is my love. I have this desire to help them, but I know that we are all part of a plan and that we must live through this in order to understand and appreciate what comes next for us. Knowing this does not make the stress easier, but it does make heading into it and coming out of it a sweet reward. In the end making it through is like cleansing your pallet with a delicious piece of pie with and extra dollop of whipped cream on top.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is turkey day. My turkey is in the kitchen waiting for my attention, which will happen in just a few moments. First I must sip my coffee and spend a little quiet time. Yesterday I made two pies, chopped veggies for a vegetable tray, taught Avery how to make homemade cranberry relish and later made some appetizers to nibble on when Ashleigh arrived home.

Thanksgiving is our day to do nothing but eat. We usually do not make any plans and spend the day eating, playing games and I of course search through all the sale ads for my shopping trip on Friday. This year, I am unprepared. My Christmas shopping list is nonexistent and I worry that my girlfriend and I will be roaming from store to store and accomplishing nothing. As I have mentioned before, the midnight starting time the stores have started has really taken the thrill out of the shopping hunt for me. I cannot help but worry that by the time we head out at 6 AM there will be nothing but bare shelves and crabby cashiers.

Regardless, today I am thankful we will have all of our daughter's home with us and that we are blessed to have the life we are living. We have everything we need and we are blessed enough to be able to share with others in need. As I prepare to go cook my stuffing, peel my potatoes (we all love homemade mashed potatoes) and stuff my turkey, I am also thankful that I enjoy cooking for my family. Having them each enjoy their favorite part of the meal is my motivation to get back at it next year.

I am thankful to you as well that you take the time to stop by my blog to see what crazy idea I have in my head most days. Knowing that there are a few people out there that are interested, or just curious about my crazy life has kept me pouring out my heart for over two years now. I am truly thankful for this outlet and the opportunity it has given me to leave a recorded history for my family of just what my life has been like as I have made my way through the loss of my Mom and learned that she may not be physically here, but she remains in my heart.

To all of you I wish for you to have a Happy Thanksgiving and a wonderful holiday season. May your wishes become reality and your hard work be rewarded.

I will be back at my blog on Monday November 28th

Whirling Dervish

On your mark, get set, GO! The holiday frenzy has begun and there is a frenetic energy coursing through the air. My carpets were cleaned yesterday and as I sit amongst all the furniture that has been removed from the carpeted areas of the house and disbursed in random non carpeted areas, I wonder if I will be ready for the big turkey dinner on Thursday. The thought that came to my mind this morning as I tried to sort out what I must accomplish in the next 48 hours was "I feel like a whirling dervish!"

As I sat down to write this morning I realized that I had no idea where the term whirling dervish came from, I just remember as a child being accused of being one and the wonder of it sent me to Goggle to see what a whirling dervish actually was. What I discovered surprised me.

A Whirling Dervish is actually an Islamic tradition of Sufism. It is a very devout Muslim faith and the whirling is a form of meditation. As I watched the faces of the Sufi's during the whirling, I actually saw peacefulness and calm and I wondered how the term "running around like a Whirling Dervish" became a negative thing.

Today it is with a new outlook that I set out to perform my holiday tasks. I feel enlightened and believe that if I just accept the tasks that must be done and perform them like a Whirling Dervish, I may become more in tune and happy. Rather than setting out to take care of my errands as drudgery, perhaps I should look at them as an honor and blessing.

I have the good fortune to be able to prepare a delicious meal for my family and to share time with my family over the holiday. I do not need to buy into anyone else's idea of what the holidays will be like. Yes, it will be busy and yes I might feel overwhelmed at times, but if that is the worst thing that happens to me then I am quite lucky. I now realize that being a Whirling Dervish is not a bad thing at all. I am actually feeling honored to be one. What don't you watch the video and decide for yourself.

You Are Opening When?

I admit it! I am one of the wacko's that heads out early on the day after Thanksgiving to shop. My girlfriend and I have been heading out together for about 13 years. I have only missed one year, and we made up for it a couple weeks after by spending the day out together. I like to think of the day as my version of hunting, but rather than bagging a deer or some other creature, I bag Christmas gifts.

We have been up and out the door by 6AM and even 5AM, but this year the anti has been upped by the retail chains when the decision was made to open stores at midnight. I called my friend last night as I perused the newspaper to chat about what we were going to do. Our early shopping was always about getting the great deals, but who the heck wants to cook all day, visit with family and then with no real sleep under your belt hit the stores?

Let's think about this, people that are out there with us on Black Friday are not always the most patient, add to that tiredness and you have a recipe for disaster. My girlfriend and I have always headed out with the motto "Pack your patience", but this year we might have to pack our patience and happy faces to smile at all the tired cranky people we will most likely run into.

Our plan is to still head out at our normal time, probably around 6AM. This will mean that by the time we start shopping, all the door busters will be gone and the shelves may be bear, but we do not care. We are going for the thrill of the hunt and the opportunity to spend some time together. Just because the retailers are trying to ruin Thanksgiving does not mean we have to jump on board, I mean really I am sure that they will have shoppers at midnight, but why? I urge those that think they need to head out that early to wait. Maybe if we stage a protest and all head out at a decent time (well, decent for the day after Thanksgiving anyway) maybe next year we could get these retailers to take it down a notch. At this rate in just a few short years, instead of the night before Thanksgiving being the biggest bar night of the year, it will become the biggest shopping night of the year.

I know I sound like a curmudgeon, and perhaps the fact that I do not respond well to change is showing, but seriously, all I can say to this new idea the retail accountants thought up is "You are opening when? WHY?"

Resting Face

To some today's topic may seem crazy, but I am trying to change my resting face. I have realized that when I am going about my daily life, I wear a frown. I have over the years developed a solid down turn in my mouth area that I am sure is now permanent, but I am determined to fight back with an all out "Turn that frown upside down campaign".

I started yesterday as I was grocery shopping. I forced the sides of my mouth up as I made my way from aisle to aisle. The best part is that people thought I was smiling at them and they started smiling back. It was like a little reward. Now not only am I working on restructuring my resting face, I am helping other people do the same thing.

I have tried this whole thing before, but I often give up and settle back into the frown groove, but this time I am intent on redefining my facial dents. I no longer want to catch myself with that grumpy look. In time perhaps it will be as easy to smile as it is frown.

Be honest now as you started to read this, did you catch yourself thinking about your resting face? Did you check to see if you were frowning? Consider this, if we all make the effort to turn our frowns upside down we might actually be the beginning of a full on happiness campaign. I do caution you though, you must be very careful to turn that frown into a sincere smirk or grin, or you run the risk of scaring people.

All you need to do is lift the corners of your mouth ever so slightly. Once you do that you will note that your eyes seem to open larger and they also become brighter. My hope is that in no time at all the deep crevices I have created by giving little attention to my resting face will suddenly become lighter. This whole idea started out as a vain attempt to fight back the aging process and now the "Turn your frown upside down" campaign could very possibly change someone's day one smile at a time. Who knew that your resting face could be so important?

Peacefulness

In front of me this morning is a warm roaring fire. The fall crisp air is slowly turning to the chill of winter and I awoke this morning to thin slivers of ice on our little pond and my breath forming steam as I enjoyed my morning walk. The fire is a fabulous reward and it is also calming. Gazing into the fire light seems to center me and bring me to a peaceful place.

 Peacefulness is an allusive feeling these days as I balance all of my emotions about family wills, job searches, college searches and of course planning for Thanksgiving. Staring down the fire seems to help me align my thoughts and make them more manageable. The truth is that having peace of mind is really the best way to handle it all anyway. Everything that is in my head is really in God's hands and I remember that a couple of days ago I was yammering on about releasing my worries. This fire seems to be saying to me "Be at peace, you are OK, you are loved and you are where you are meant to be.

 Last night as my girls and I sat by the fire, we were talking about the winter that is gradually approaching and I found myself excited for the possibility of the snow days to come. I love those days when the weather turns and the snow falls and the schools close. There is nowhere to go, nowhere to be and the snow brings with it a calm hush as if to say "Shhhhh relax be at peace. Those are the days when the big blankets come out and you find yourself calmly reading a forgotten book or enjoying a cup of coffee in front of a warm fire.

 This morning is a wonderful taste of the moments that are ahead, the calm, the peace and the warmth. You have probably figured out by now that I like winter. I sincerely do not mind the snow or the cold. I actually enjoy all the seasons for one reason or another. Today as I watch the sun working hard to peak through the clouds and the wind tearing away the last of the leaves on the trees, I am finding the ending of fall and the beginning of winter is bringing peace to my soul. Who knew that the peacefulness I have been searching for was right here in my fireplace all the time?

All In

You are ready to get started, you have pulled out your recipe book or your DIY project items and you are preparing to begin when you realize that you are short a key item. It could be eggs or butter for the recipe, it could be the right paint, saw or drill for your DIY project, but you are stopped, dead in your tracks and sent back to the start in your own personal game of SORRY. Now what? Do you give up? What is it worth to you to see the plan through?

That is life; you set out with a plan, your running full steam ahead and BAM something happens that derails you. The trick is will you remain derailed, or will you jump up and get back on track. It is easy with something like cooking or a project. You make a quick trip to the store, or you change your plan a little, but what happens when you are derailed in life?

I have never been one to shrink away from adversity. The only way out of hard times is through them and I have made it through some very long tunnels of hard times in my life so far. I have always felt that if I do not see the challenge and face it down now, it will come back. Maybe not the same challenge, but a different one and quite possibly a more difficult one. The universe puts life out there and what we do with it is all up to us. The trick is when the challenge begins are you going "all in" or are you going to sit on the sidelines and wait for it to pass?

Hard times do not get easier by wishing them away, it takes work. I remember when I was a single Mom years ago. When money was tight, I would freak out and not open my bills. I would have this stack of bills and not have any idea what I was going to do about them, but instead of opening them sorting them and making a plan, I would sit and stare at that stack of bills and worry. It finally hit me one day that the not knowing what was in the envelope was more stressful than just facing it down and opening the darn thing. I decided at that point that I needed some help and I found a non-profit financial counselor that helped me take back control of my financial life.

It is never easy to go "all in", sometimes you have to hit the bottom hard before you realize you are sidelined. The trick is making a move, start by shutting off the voices in your head that are not telling you the truth about who you are. Next you want to find some support, this support can be a friend or a counselor, the important part is to have someone that is encouraging you and reminding you that you are "all in" and you can do whatever it is you think you cannot.

Whatever project or mountain you must tackle today, remember to look at the project in bite size pieces. Believe in who you are and what you can do and just go all in. If running out for eggs is the worst obstacle you face, you know you can handle it, if your obstacle or challenge is bigger just know that with some time going "all in" will move you out of this hard time. The only good way to end the game of SORRY is for someone to win and by being "all in" that someone can be you.

Got Nothing…

There are just days when there really is nothing in me to pour out unto this page. Today is one of those days. I am tired and I am hoping to snap out of it, but for now, it is disturbing my train of thought. Each day when I sit down to write I try to cleanse my brain of whatever topic is hanging around, today that topic does not exist. Essentially, I have nothing to give. I will pull it together to be more on my game for tomorrow, but right now I am so tired that all I can do is sit and stare at my computer. Not exactly a recipe for a great blog post.

Releasing Control

There are times in life when you begin to think that one more thing cannot possibly happen, and then it does. You just stand there whether it is all good or all bad and wonder, "Why me". Right now it seems that I am in the eye of a stress storm and I have had to make a decision to stare it down. I am releasing my control and tossing my care in the air like a hand full of helium balloons.

 I know what you are thinking, when haven't you been in the middle of a stress storm? This time is different, I feel like I am on the cusp of finally making my way through and I intend to make sure that I am hands off and letting the control belong to the universe and not to me. The harder I hang onto the need to steer through the storm, the more stressed I feel. The only way out is through it and I cannot do this alone.

 As I sit here writing this morning I am aware of a feeling of comfort and confidence. I know that I have a strong faith and believe that when handing your concerns over they can only lift up if we let go. I have let go. I am no longer making decisions in my head. All of the decisions that I am making I am allowing my heart to guide me. This has given me a feeling of relief that I have not felt in some time.

 I know what is right and as long as I live with my best intentions and an open heart my balloons of stress will rise. I no longer want the responsibility of being in charge of the twists and turns and how and when they occur. I am very happy to be taking my hands off the strings and letting each care float with intention in the direction it is meant to go.

Lost Light

There is no way of knowing how it happened. Life was moving along without stopping and I was dragging along with it. Suddenly, about a week ago it hit me. I had lost track of my love for my children. Now don't get me wrong I love my children very much, but somewhere between the diapers and sniffing sweet baby skin and the grown up and teen years, I stopped generating the same energy of excitement about being with my children, spending time with them and being excited to see them when they walked in the door. I had lost touch with that excitement when I got caught up in every day.

 My children are still as excited at new things and fascinated with little things. They still learn new things everyday and they still smell good (not baby skin good, but good) thanks to their own efforts. I somehow lost sight of the joy they bring to me, when I started focusing on the troubles and work in life and less on the joy. Now, thanks to one simple comment I heard Poet Maya Angelou speak, my heart is turned. She said "Do your eyes light up when your children enter the room?" I remembered that light, I had that light when all my children were little, but when they started to grow and they also started to be less compliant and more verbal, I know my light dimmed.

 I lost touch of the joy and the energy that light in my eyes gave my children. They knew without my speaking any words that my love for them burned bright. As the years have worn on I think that they have had some doubt. I know just last week, Aly and I got into a verbal tousle and she shared that "You never talk to me anymore Mom, You don't care about me!" That hit me hard, Aly felt like I did not love her or care about her. The out of touch Mom in me was hurt by the comment. Had I not been tossing money everywhere since her senior year started? How about all the campus visits and the encouragement I had given her about college? What about (and this is big) all the days I bandaged her bottom after her surgery? How could she think I did not care? But that is when it hit me, it was not about what I had done for her, it was because my light was to dim for her to see. She could not see that I treasured her because my light was almost out.

 This last week I launched an all out torch campaign. I want all my children to know that they bring me joy and that no matter how old they are they still light up my life. The only way my girls will know that, is if they see the light in my eyes. That same light I had when I held them for the first time, the same light that brought excitement and joy when they walked for the first time, and even the light the shined bright when teachers or friends would notice something special about my children. The light is there, it's not lost I just needed to shine it up so that my children could see it better.

The Scandal

The scandal at Penn State has made me sick. The fact that adults chose to hide the fact that a man was abusing a child makes my stomach hurt. They say that the accused allegedly abused at least 8 boys from 1994 until 2009. The sad part is that is just the boys that have the strength to come forward. How many more victims could possibly be out there? If one person had just spoken up then he could have been stopped. My heart breaks for those children.

I was molested when I was 11 years old. I had no idea what was happening and did not realize until years later the damage my mother's boyfriend had caused. I still recall the abuse as if it were yesterday. All I remember was feeling like I was doing something that did not seem right, but made the adult happy with me.

These children thought that they were with someone that cared about them and they trusted him and his intentions. They were probably trying to please this adult. I am sure they were looking for someone to care about them and treat them like they mattered and instead they were treated like they meant nothing and were used allegedly for this adults own perverted needs.

These scars never go away. This abuse will forever be in the minds of these children. There will be days when they find themselves wondering what they could have done differently. There will be days when they find themselves wishing they had told someone. There will be many days that they think they are the one that did something wrong. Hopefully with the help, support and guidance of a good counselor and the love of family and friends, they can move on and have a good life, but they will NEVER forget.

All of this sadness and pain comes from one man that could have been stopped several years ago. The really sad part is that now the teaching assistant, that years ago reported that he had seen an inappropriate act taking place in the showers at Penn State, is having his life threatened. This whole mess is just sad and people, grown people seem to be forgetting about the damage to the children. That is the scandal that somehow the coaches and the team seem to be more important and causing the most upset, not the lost innocence of the children this man took advantage of.

My stomach hurts today and I am sad, sad for those that have lost their innocence, sad for those that cannot see what is really more important and sad that many lives have been abruptly and horribly altered all by one man and his need to please himself.