Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Fair Expectations

Expectations are tricky things. You expect it to be sunny on your wedding day, but it rains. You expect people to treat you like you treat them, but they don't. You expect people to keep promises, but they let you down. You learn over time that expectations are something that you can put on yourself, but when you have expectations of anything else you are most likely headed for disappointment.

I remember years ago, I use to go to a Stay-at-home Mom conference called Hearts at Home.
Hearts at Home was a faith based conference that encouraged mothers young and old to hang in there and fight the good fight at preparing our children for life. Each year my girlfriend and I would head out kissing our families good-bye for the weekend and enjoying workshop after workshop on how to be good mothers and wives. We would drive home from the conference full of excitement and enthusiasm to share what we had learned with our families, only to open our front doors and find our homes in disarray and our families less than enthusiastic about our return.

As time went on we started lowering our expectations. We knew that we were asking a lot for our husbands to do what we did every day (just the way we always did it too!), but a girl can dream can't she? And that is exactly what it was, an unfair expectation, or a dream, if you will. We started reminding each other when we left for the conference to be happy for the time we spent pouring into ourselves and our chosen career of motherhood and come home with no expectations. It was the only way to enjoy the time away from home, open the front door and be happy to see our families. That was when I started to realize that the expectations that I placed anywhere but on myself were too high a bar for life to meet.

There is no reason to stop wishing or dreaming, but if you expect someone to act a certain way or believe as you do you will be disappointed. If you think that the way you have always done something is the best and only way, you will find in time that some may challenge your expectation when you press them. The only fair expectation is the one you put on yourself. The only fair disappointment in your expectations not being met should come when you let yourself down. I guess it is fair to say that I am still learning the lesson about expectations. I often still expect that things that others do will be different or less hurtful, or even make sense, but the real gift here is that now I can remind myself that as long as I allow myself to expect anything from anyone else it is not a fair expectation. The only fair expectation is that I will be learning this lesson for most of my life.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Making Lemonade


There are times in life when you feel like you are standing in the middle of a lemon tree orchard. You have your hands full of nothing but sour circumstances and you have no idea what to do. I would like to suggest making lemonade, by adding a little sugar that sour blend becomes a little sweeter. There is no way to change the path life is taking other then hard work and a good attitude. If you want to stand in the middle of your lemon tree orchard and wait, you may never see your way through. However, if you choose to walk through you may find that the sun is shining brightly on the other side.

 
I have chosen to step out of my lemon tree orchard. I cannot change the circumstances, but I can change how I react to them. I know that if I decide to be crabby and angry, it will not change how life is playing out, so it makes sense to take a shot at being joyful and sipping on my homemade lemonade.

 
I have the pleasure of knowing a woman who lives this theory every day. She is not a close friend, but I have interacted with her on and off for several years. When I see how she walks with grace through her personal trials it makes me want to learn to live that way. She finds joy in all she does, making meals for her family, caring for her friend's small children and going camping with her husband. I have seen her live through some of life's toughest moments and still come out on the other side of her lemon orchard with a thankful heart and a smile for a friend.

 
This trek out of the orchard will not be easy for me. Changing how you look at life's tests takes patience, patience and strength. It is easy to become sullen and angry at things that are difficult, but with just a tweak of the heart it can be just as easy to release that sour heart and sip the sweetness of happiness and joy. Today as I look out my window at the pouring rain coming down sideways in the blustery wind, I found myself tested to find a blessing. After some thought I realized how fortunate I am to have this day to clean and refresh my home for the holidays. I plan to put on some Christmas music and dust and mop to the beat and when it is time for a break, I will enjoy the sweet lemonade I made today by changing my heart.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Food

If your home is anything like mine, the focus over the last few days has been on food. The Thanksgiving holiday requires you to heap large amounts of food in front of yourself and then polish it off. Once you are done overeating, you wait for a short amount of time and then insert some pie or dessert. I believe that the dessert portion is kind of like the rinse cycle, pie or dessert is a nice way to cleanse your pallet and let your tummy know that turkey is not your only fuel source.

Food is a fuel, and it helps keep us going. Yesterday as I sat hating myself for overeating for the last three days, I realized that while we had all eaten well and fueled our bodies, our minds and spirits were lacking. Each of us is dealing with our own emptiness and frustration and it has started taking a toll. Mark has 18 more days of work, Ashleigh's divorce will be final soon, Aly is pushing herself so hard to do well in school and finish her senior year of high school at the top of her game that she is becoming an emotional cyclone. I am in the middle of this giant financial mess that my Dad created when he died and Avery, well Avery is actually doing pretty well, although she is fighting a very bad cold.

I wish there was a way to fill each of us up with an emotional dessert. Something that would cleanse our emotional pallets and give us a break, but it seems for now there is no emotional dessert buffet open to us. Families being what they are, when one man is down, the domino principal takes over and we all go down. Thus we are all feeling the pressure and pain as one. I cannot help but feel like we just need a little emotional fuel, just a little bit of sweetness to help get us over this hump.

Do not get me wrong, we are OK and we will stay OK. This is nothing we cannot get through together it is just that we had gotten so use to riding the wave of everything being so much better that it felt a little like a sucker punch when the dominos started to fall. I wish I could take away the stress that Mark feels. I wish I could say something comforting and wise. I also wish that a simple emotional dessert would sooth my daughter Ashleigh and help her through this difficult time. It is very hard to see the people you love fighting to keep from being swallowed up by their stress and sadness.

The only fuel source I can offer them right now is my love. I have this desire to help them, but I know that we are all part of a plan and that we must live through this in order to understand and appreciate what comes next for us. Knowing this does not make the stress easier, but it does make heading into it and coming out of it a sweet reward. In the end making it through is like cleansing your pallet with a delicious piece of pie with and extra dollop of whipped cream on top.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is turkey day. My turkey is in the kitchen waiting for my attention, which will happen in just a few moments. First I must sip my coffee and spend a little quiet time. Yesterday I made two pies, chopped veggies for a vegetable tray, taught Avery how to make homemade cranberry relish and later made some appetizers to nibble on when Ashleigh arrived home.

Thanksgiving is our day to do nothing but eat. We usually do not make any plans and spend the day eating, playing games and I of course search through all the sale ads for my shopping trip on Friday. This year, I am unprepared. My Christmas shopping list is nonexistent and I worry that my girlfriend and I will be roaming from store to store and accomplishing nothing. As I have mentioned before, the midnight starting time the stores have started has really taken the thrill out of the shopping hunt for me. I cannot help but worry that by the time we head out at 6 AM there will be nothing but bare shelves and crabby cashiers.

Regardless, today I am thankful we will have all of our daughter's home with us and that we are blessed to have the life we are living. We have everything we need and we are blessed enough to be able to share with others in need. As I prepare to go cook my stuffing, peel my potatoes (we all love homemade mashed potatoes) and stuff my turkey, I am also thankful that I enjoy cooking for my family. Having them each enjoy their favorite part of the meal is my motivation to get back at it next year.

I am thankful to you as well that you take the time to stop by my blog to see what crazy idea I have in my head most days. Knowing that there are a few people out there that are interested, or just curious about my crazy life has kept me pouring out my heart for over two years now. I am truly thankful for this outlet and the opportunity it has given me to leave a recorded history for my family of just what my life has been like as I have made my way through the loss of my Mom and learned that she may not be physically here, but she remains in my heart.

To all of you I wish for you to have a Happy Thanksgiving and a wonderful holiday season. May your wishes become reality and your hard work be rewarded.

I will be back at my blog on Monday November 28th

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Whirling Dervish


On your mark, get set, GO! The holiday frenzy has begun and there is a frenetic energy coursing through the air. My carpets were cleaned yesterday and as I sit amongst all the furniture that has been removed from the carpeted areas of the house and disbursed in random non carpeted areas, I wonder if I will be ready for the big turkey dinner on Thursday. The thought that came to my mind this morning as I tried to sort out what I must accomplish in the next 48 hours was "I feel like a whirling dervish!"

As I sat down to write this morning I realized that I had no idea where the term whirling dervish came from, I just remember as a child being accused of being one and the wonder of it sent me to Goggle to see what a whirling dervish actually was. What I discovered surprised me.

A Whirling Dervish is actually an Islamic tradition of Sufism. It is a very devout Muslim faith and the whirling is a form of meditation. As I watched the faces of the Sufi's during the whirling, I actually saw peacefulness and calm and I wondered how the term "running around like a Whirling Dervish" became a negative thing.

Today it is with a new outlook that I set out to perform my holiday tasks. I feel enlightened and believe that if I just accept the tasks that must be done and perform them like a Whirling Dervish, I may become more in tune and happy. Rather than setting out to take care of my errands as drudgery, perhaps I should look at them as an honor and blessing.

I have the good fortune to be able to prepare a delicious meal for my family and to share time with my family over the holiday. I do not need to buy into anyone else's idea of what the holidays will be like. Yes, it will be busy and yes I might feel overwhelmed at times, but if that is the worst thing that happens to me then I am quite lucky. I now realize that being a Whirling Dervish is not a bad thing at all. I am actually feeling honored to be one. What don't you watch the video and decide for yourself.

Monday, November 21, 2011

You Are Opening When?

I admit it! I am one of the wacko's that heads out early on the day after Thanksgiving to shop. My girlfriend and I have been heading out together for about 13 years. I have only missed one year, and we made up for it a couple weeks after by spending the day out together. I like to think of the day as my version of hunting, but rather than bagging a deer or some other creature, I bag Christmas gifts.

We have been up and out the door by 6AM and even 5AM, but this year the anti has been upped by the retail chains when the decision was made to open stores at midnight. I called my friend last night as I perused the newspaper to chat about what we were going to do. Our early shopping was always about getting the great deals, but who the heck wants to cook all day, visit with family and then with no real sleep under your belt hit the stores?

Let's think about this, people that are out there with us on Black Friday are not always the most patient, add to that tiredness and you have a recipe for disaster. My girlfriend and I have always headed out with the motto "Pack your patience", but this year we might have to pack our patience and happy faces to smile at all the tired cranky people we will most likely run into.

Our plan is to still head out at our normal time, probably around 6AM. This will mean that by the time we start shopping, all the door busters will be gone and the shelves may be bear, but we do not care. We are going for the thrill of the hunt and the opportunity to spend some time together. Just because the retailers are trying to ruin Thanksgiving does not mean we have to jump on board, I mean really I am sure that they will have shoppers at midnight, but why? I urge those that think they need to head out that early to wait. Maybe if we stage a protest and all head out at a decent time (well, decent for the day after Thanksgiving anyway) maybe next year we could get these retailers to take it down a notch. At this rate in just a few short years, instead of the night before Thanksgiving being the biggest bar night of the year, it will become the biggest shopping night of the year.

I know I sound like a curmudgeon, and perhaps the fact that I do not respond well to change is showing, but seriously, all I can say to this new idea the retail accountants thought up is "You are opening when? WHY?"

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Resting Face

To some today's topic may seem crazy, but I am trying to change my resting face. I have realized that when I am going about my daily life, I wear a frown. I have over the years developed a solid down turn in my mouth area that I am sure is now permanent, but I am determined to fight back with an all out "Turn that frown upside down campaign".

I started yesterday as I was grocery shopping. I forced the sides of my mouth up as I made my way from aisle to aisle. The best part is that people thought I was smiling at them and they started smiling back. It was like a little reward. Now not only am I working on restructuring my resting face, I am helping other people do the same thing.

I have tried this whole thing before, but I often give up and settle back into the frown groove, but this time I am intent on redefining my facial dents. I no longer want to catch myself with that grumpy look. In time perhaps it will be as easy to smile as it is frown.

Be honest now as you started to read this, did you catch yourself thinking about your resting face? Did you check to see if you were frowning? Consider this, if we all make the effort to turn our frowns upside down we might actually be the beginning of a full on happiness campaign. I do caution you though, you must be very careful to turn that frown into a sincere smirk or grin, or you run the risk of scaring people.

All you need to do is lift the corners of your mouth ever so slightly. Once you do that you will note that your eyes seem to open larger and they also become brighter. My hope is that in no time at all the deep crevices I have created by giving little attention to my resting face will suddenly become lighter. This whole idea started out as a vain attempt to fight back the aging process and now the "Turn your frown upside down" campaign could very possibly change someone's day one smile at a time. Who knew that your resting face could be so important?

Friday, November 18, 2011

Peacefulness


In front of me this morning is a warm roaring fire. The fall crisp air is slowly turning to the chill of winter and I awoke this morning to thin slivers of ice on our little pond and my breath forming steam as I enjoyed my morning walk. The fire is a fabulous reward and it is also calming. Gazing into the fire light seems to center me and bring me to a peaceful place.

 
Peacefulness is an allusive feeling these days as I balance all of my emotions about family wills, job searches, college searches and of course planning for Thanksgiving. Staring down the fire seems to help me align my thoughts and make them more manageable. The truth is that having peace of mind is really the best way to handle it all anyway. Everything that is in my head is really in God's hands and I remember that a couple of days ago I was yammering on about releasing my worries. This fire seems to be saying to me "Be at peace, you are OK, you are loved and you are where you are meant to be.

 
Last night as my girls and I sat by the fire, we were talking about the winter that is gradually approaching and I found myself excited for the possibility of the snow days to come. I love those days when the weather turns and the snow falls and the schools close. There is nowhere to go, nowhere to be and the snow brings with it a calm hush as if to say "Shhhhh relax be at peace. Those are the days when the big blankets come out and you find yourself calmly reading a forgotten book or enjoying a cup of coffee in front of a warm fire.

 
This morning is a wonderful taste of the moments that are ahead, the calm, the peace and the warmth. You have probably figured out by now that I like winter. I sincerely do not mind the snow or the cold. I actually enjoy all the seasons for one reason or another. Today as I watch the sun working hard to peak through the clouds and the wind tearing away the last of the leaves on the trees, I am finding the ending of fall and the beginning of winter is bringing peace to my soul. Who knew that the peacefulness I have been searching for was right here in my fireplace all the time?

Thursday, November 17, 2011

All In

You are ready to get started, you have pulled out your recipe book or your DIY project items and you are preparing to begin when you realize that you are short a key item. It could be eggs or butter for the recipe, it could be the right paint, saw or drill for your DIY project, but you are stopped, dead in your tracks and sent back to the start in your own personal game of SORRY. Now what? Do you give up? What is it worth to you to see the plan through?

That is life; you set out with a plan, your running full steam ahead and BAM something happens that derails you. The trick is will you remain derailed, or will you jump up and get back on track. It is easy with something like cooking or a project. You make a quick trip to the store, or you change your plan a little, but what happens when you are derailed in life?

I have never been one to shrink away from adversity. The only way out of hard times is through them and I have made it through some very long tunnels of hard times in my life so far. I have always felt that if I do not see the challenge and face it down now, it will come back. Maybe not the same challenge, but a different one and quite possibly a more difficult one. The universe puts life out there and what we do with it is all up to us. The trick is when the challenge begins are you going "all in" or are you going to sit on the sidelines and wait for it to pass?

Hard times do not get easier by wishing them away, it takes work. I remember when I was a single Mom years ago. When money was tight, I would freak out and not open my bills. I would have this stack of bills and not have any idea what I was going to do about them, but instead of opening them sorting them and making a plan, I would sit and stare at that stack of bills and worry. It finally hit me one day that the not knowing what was in the envelope was more stressful than just facing it down and opening the darn thing. I decided at that point that I needed some help and I found a non-profit financial counselor that helped me take back control of my financial life.

It is never easy to go "all in", sometimes you have to hit the bottom hard before you realize you are sidelined. The trick is making a move, start by shutting off the voices in your head that are not telling you the truth about who you are. Next you want to find some support, this support can be a friend or a counselor, the important part is to have someone that is encouraging you and reminding you that you are "all in" and you can do whatever it is you think you cannot.

Whatever project or mountain you must tackle today, remember to look at the project in bite size pieces. Believe in who you are and what you can do and just go all in. If running out for eggs is the worst obstacle you face, you know you can handle it, if your obstacle or challenge is bigger just know that with some time going "all in" will move you out of this hard time. The only good way to end the game of SORRY is for someone to win and by being "all in" that someone can be you.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Got Nothing…

There are just days when there really is nothing in me to pour out unto this page. Today is one of those days. I am tired and I am hoping to snap out of it, but for now, it is disturbing my train of thought. Each day when I sit down to write I try to cleanse my brain of whatever topic is hanging around, today that topic does not exist. Essentially, I have nothing to give. I will pull it together to be more on my game for tomorrow, but right now I am so tired that all I can do is sit and stare at my computer. Not exactly a recipe for a great blog post.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Releasing Control


There are times in life when you begin to think that one more thing cannot possibly happen, and then it does. You just stand there whether it is all good or all bad and wonder, "Why me". Right now it seems that I am in the eye of a stress storm and I have had to make a decision to stare it down. I am releasing my control and tossing my care in the air like a hand full of helium balloons.

 
I know what you are thinking, when haven't you been in the middle of a stress storm? This time is different, I feel like I am on the cusp of finally making my way through and I intend to make sure that I am hands off and letting the control belong to the universe and not to me. The harder I hang onto the need to steer through the storm, the more stressed I feel. The only way out is through it and I cannot do this alone.

 
As I sit here writing this morning I am aware of a feeling of comfort and confidence. I know that I have a strong faith and believe that when handing your concerns over they can only lift up if we let go. I have let go. I am no longer making decisions in my head. All of the decisions that I am making I am allowing my heart to guide me. This has given me a feeling of relief that I have not felt in some time.

 
I know what is right and as long as I live with my best intentions and an open heart my balloons of stress will rise. I no longer want the responsibility of being in charge of the twists and turns and how and when they occur. I am very happy to be taking my hands off the strings and letting each care float with intention in the direction it is meant to go.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Lost Light


There is no way of knowing how it happened. Life was moving along without stopping and I was dragging along with it. Suddenly, about a week ago it hit me. I had lost track of my love for my children. Now don't get me wrong I love my children very much, but somewhere between the diapers and sniffing sweet baby skin and the grown up and teen years, I stopped generating the same energy of excitement about being with my children, spending time with them and being excited to see them when they walked in the door. I had lost touch with that excitement when I got caught up in every day.

 
My children are still as excited at new things and fascinated with little things. They still learn new things everyday and they still smell good (not baby skin good, but good) thanks to their own efforts. I somehow lost sight of the joy they bring to me, when I started focusing on the troubles and work in life and less on the joy. Now, thanks to one simple comment I heard Poet Maya Angelou speak, my heart is turned. She said "Do your eyes light up when your children enter the room?" I remembered that light, I had that light when all my children were little, but when they started to grow and they also started to be less compliant and more verbal, I know my light dimmed.

 
I lost touch of the joy and the energy that light in my eyes gave my children. They knew without my speaking any words that my love for them burned bright. As the years have worn on I think that they have had some doubt. I know just last week, Aly and I got into a verbal tousle and she shared that "You never talk to me anymore Mom, You don't care about me!" That hit me hard, Aly felt like I did not love her or care about her. The out of touch Mom in me was hurt by the comment. Had I not been tossing money everywhere since her senior year started? How about all the campus visits and the encouragement I had given her about college? What about (and this is big) all the days I bandaged her bottom after her surgery? How could she think I did not care? But that is when it hit me, it was not about what I had done for her, it was because my light was to dim for her to see. She could not see that I treasured her because my light was almost out.

 
This last week I launched an all out torch campaign. I want all my children to know that they bring me joy and that no matter how old they are they still light up my life. The only way my girls will know that, is if they see the light in my eyes. That same light I had when I held them for the first time, the same light that brought excitement and joy when they walked for the first time, and even the light the shined bright when teachers or friends would notice something special about my children. The light is there, it's not lost I just needed to shine it up so that my children could see it better.

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Scandal

The scandal at Penn State has made me sick. The fact that adults chose to hide the fact that a man was abusing a child makes my stomach hurt. They say that the accused allegedly abused at least 8 boys from 1994 until 2009. The sad part is that is just the boys that have the strength to come forward. How many more victims could possibly be out there? If one person had just spoken up then he could have been stopped. My heart breaks for those children.

I was molested when I was 11 years old. I had no idea what was happening and did not realize until years later the damage my mother's boyfriend had caused. I still recall the abuse as if it were yesterday. All I remember was feeling like I was doing something that did not seem right, but made the adult happy with me.

These children thought that they were with someone that cared about them and they trusted him and his intentions. They were probably trying to please this adult. I am sure they were looking for someone to care about them and treat them like they mattered and instead they were treated like they meant nothing and were used allegedly for this adults own perverted needs.

These scars never go away. This abuse will forever be in the minds of these children. There will be days when they find themselves wondering what they could have done differently. There will be days when they find themselves wishing they had told someone. There will be many days that they think they are the one that did something wrong. Hopefully with the help, support and guidance of a good counselor and the love of family and friends, they can move on and have a good life, but they will NEVER forget.

All of this sadness and pain comes from one man that could have been stopped several years ago. The really sad part is that now the teaching assistant, that years ago reported that he had seen an inappropriate act taking place in the showers at Penn State, is having his life threatened. This whole mess is just sad and people, grown people seem to be forgetting about the damage to the children. That is the scandal that somehow the coaches and the team seem to be more important and causing the most upset, not the lost innocence of the children this man took advantage of.

My stomach hurts today and I am sad, sad for those that have lost their innocence, sad for those that cannot see what is really more important and sad that many lives have been abruptly and horribly altered all by one man and his need to please himself.


 

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Prescription

A few days ago my doctor gave me a prescription, I have been battling an infection, and this was my second round of antibiotics to get me back on track. The directions on the bottle were very confusing, they went something like this:

Take this medication 1 hour before you eat, or two hours after

It sounds so simple, but in reality, it is driving me nuts. I tried the one hour before and whatever this stuff is, it makes me feel like launching what I have not even eaten yet out of my stomach. When two hours after I eat hits, I have moved on and have completely forgotten to take this medicine. The best part is that I must take this medicine for ten days, right now I have seven days left and I hope I get the hang of this pretty soon. I want to be healthy, but I think this medicine is testing my mental agility while simultaneously healing my infection.

How many times in your life have you been given an instruction that made no sense, but you had to comply? When I recently had my surgery, the nurse at the hospital came into the room I was in to prepare me for surgery and piled some surgical clothing on the bed and said "Why don't you step down the hall and empty your bladder one last time" so I promptly complied. When I returned to the room, I sat for some time waiting for the nurse to return for my next instruction. When she finally came back, she snapped at me "You need to put these garments on!" Apparently, I was supposed to figure that out from how she piled the garments on the end of the bed, but I did not understand the nonverbal instruction she had given. Here I was trying to be a good patient and follow the instructions and totally blew it. I seriously hope that is the worst thing that happened to the nurse that day.

Every day we are bombarded with letters and emails and even media telling us their prescription for what to do, when to do it and how to do it, at some point a person's instruction threshold ends up on over load. How can you possibly keep up with it all? At some point failure is very likely. If you add to this the papers that must be filled out and cash required during each school year plus the added pressure of making sure that everyone in the household is alive and accounted for you have no room for error. I had to hang a giant calendar on the side of my refrigerator just so that I can keep track of some of the daily life prescriptions I receive. Quite honestly I am the only one in my household that writes on the darn thing though.

This brings up another issue all together, and that is that in families we Mom's are really the information technicians. We know everyone's schedule and we work hard to keep everyone on those schedules. Is it any wonder then that when it comes time to following a simple (or complex) direction, we stumble? I cannot allow this attempt to confuse me with a ridiculous prescription to throw me off the track of being healthy. I need to get back on my feet, there is a lot on my calendar and I do not have time to be sorting out something as simple as when to take a pill. I guess I will just have to suck it up and follow the prescription as best I can.


 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Fall Cleanup


It happened out of nowhere, this morning I noticed a couple of items of clothing hanging in my closet that I know I never wear and I peeled them off the hangers and folded them on my bed. This began a project of not only sorting out the items I no longer wear, but pulling out the summer items that need to move out of the way, so I am not distracted by them when I am trying to dress. There is nothing worse than attempting to get dressed and being sidetracked by those pesky summer clothes reminding you that you are in the clutches of fall and winter. It is hard to focus on picking the right outfit when you are reminiscing about how warm you were just a few short months ago.

 
My little pile of gently used clothing and my big pile of "why the heck do I still hang on to this" began to grow and I could feel myself letting go. "Sure that white jacket is my favorite and it has served me well, but it is showing my love these days and it needs to be tossed. Wait, I love that top, I know it has a large rip down the side, but maybe I could sew it up and get one more summer out of it. Alright, nobody wears gauchos anymore it is time for those to go." Within minutes, I was done purging and I felt relief. All it took was a few short minutes and I had let go of my past fashion sense, making room for new possibilities.

 
This has me wondering, if sorting out and letting go of clothes is that easy, why can I not apply the same process to all the items that I hang on to emotionally? Why can't I just purge my feelings about all the issues that keep me up nights? If I just sat down and sorted through what is on my mind and put each worry in its own pile, maybe I would feel the same relief that came from sorting my clothes. I could have a pile called LET IT GO, and another called NEEDS PRAYER and perhaps a pile titled WORK IN PROGRESS. Thinking about it, maybe the main pile should be NEEDS PRAYER and then I could create sub files from there.

While I am bragging about sorting clothes and sorting my life, you should know that in Avery's closet, at the very back I have several outfits from when my girls were babies and toddlers. I have outfits that belonged to each of my girls and I also have a grey and white striped dress that my Mom made for me when I was a toddler. None of these items are needed and I am sure that the odds are slim that they will ever be used again, but I like hanging on to these clothes. Somehow it is a nice reminder of the past.This could also be said for some of my memories, they are also nice. While a few memories are not especially pleasant, most are and together they make up who I am. Maybe if I just sort through the memories a little and give myself permission, I can sift out the worn out and stained memories and make room for some new happier times. Just like with my clothes, it is hard to focus on the present when I keep reaching for the past. It is time to get to work on my fall clean up and let those old worn out memories go.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Bracing for the Future

We received Aly's second college acceptance over the weekend. This whole process is starting to make me nervous. It is not just a possibility, or something we are trying to do, it is the real deal. I am braced for the last two colleges she applied to, to contact us, both are out of state and both are schools that Aly would like to go to. Once the last two schools put their cards on the table we will begin the process of looking for the school that offers the best deal.

While I want Aly to go to the school of her dreams, I do not want it to become our family's financial nightmare and these days finding that perfect mix is not easy. Besides, dreams change and I also do not want to invest in her attending a school out of state, only to have her head home because she is homesick being so far away. This whole process is exciting for Aly, but has caused me to start gnawing on my finger nails. I am hoping that in the next couple of weeks we will have all the college responses in and we can start making some tough decisions.

I am excited that Aly is putting herself out there looking at schools that are not on a lot of her friend's radars. I am proud of her for having the confidence to make a bold move. I am also proud of her for knowing what she wants to do and going after it. I wish I had a quarter of that confidence and wisdom when I was her age. Aly's ability to know what she wants and step into it is truly a gift and one that I am very jealous of.

In the end she will go off to college whether it will be near or far and she will do well. It is the Mom we have to worry about. She is trying to stay focused on the process and not the cost, the excitement and not the distance, the daughter and not the plan. If I focus on what seems like a problem long enough, I could wind up making a problem, or building a mountain out of a mole hill. In the end I must brace for the future, whatever it will be and trust that it will be bright.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

The Stirred Pot

I love soup. I enjoy all types of soup, soup happens to be one of my favorite meals. There is something warm and comforting about a big bowl of soup. When I make soup, I pour over it checking the soup to see its progress, and tasting the soup to see if it needs any more seasoning and finally stirring the pot of soup so that all the flavors blend. Sometimes I will watch the soup continue to turn in the pot after I remove the spoon. It is interesting to see everything continue to move in a spiral motion even though the spoon is removed.

I do not enjoy when my life's pot is stirred, because then the spiral motion after the spoon is removed is not as interesting. This spiral motion causes stress. You are left spending a lot of time reevaluating what just happened, rethinking what happened and waking at night wanting to give the pot stirrer a piece of your mind. There are plenty of pot stirrers out there and I wish I understood what they actually gain by behaving that way. I cannot imagine that these people have many friends. Eventually the people around the stirrer must get tired of their routine and quietly sneak away.

In the life pot that spiral motion does not slow easily. Even though the pot stirrer may move on, the person they have stirred most times is left agitated and frustrated. The life pot does not settle down as easily as your pot of soup. The life pot continues to spin and your brain continues to spin with it. Many times inside the spinning life pot you find yourself thinking things like, who does that? What the heck was that all about? There are probably a few other thoughts, but I think it is best to not write those.

I love soup and I especially enjoy making soup. I enjoy the process of chopping vegetables and browning the meat. I love preparing the soup base and piling in all the delicious layers of flavor and watching them all blend together in the pot, but I am feeling less drawn to stirring that pot these days. If nothing else I am very aware of how dangerous it can be to over stir. By stirring to much you can possible cause an imbalance in the way that your pot of soup turns out, after all that work it would be very disappointing to find you had ruined the soup. I am starting to think that stirring the pot is not really necessary and that if we just leave the pot alone, everything will turn out just fine.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Replacing Negativity

Yesterday morning, I reached for my deck of Strong cards. You may remember that these cards were supplied by our church to help us challenge ourselves and grow spiritually. The card I pulled out yesterday morning said this:

Replace Negativity

Don't say anything negative today. Don't criticize, complain or use sarcasm. Instead, whenever you're tempted to say something negative or critical. Use that breath to thank God for something good.

Sounds so simple doesn't it? Be kind, think, say and do kind things. How hard can that be? Well, it is tough! Especially because right now I have an antagonist that is working desperately to see that I fail at replacing negativity. Interesting though that while I was out with a friend of mine yesterday I worked especially hard to maintain a positive attitude, and with my friends help it went pretty well.

There were a few lapses where in order to share a story or two, it required information that in any other context might sound negative but the story needed to be shared and the information had to be accurate, so…well…I just said what needed to be said. Perhaps it helps that at the time I announced that I was not saying it in a negative way, only referencing the information for color and perspective.

The idea behind this card is to make me aware of negativity in my life. I find this ironic since I have been spending quite a bit of time the last few years trying to peel away the negative layers and here I am realizing that maybe it was more about how I respond and think and less about the antagonist. I do have to say that on my outing with my friend, we were approached a few times by people asking for advice about items and just friendly chit chat, something that we have not experienced in the past.

Could it be that because we were intentionally open and replacing negativity that we had an aura of approachability? We pondered this as we chatted about how interesting the day had been. We wondered if our desire to be a nonnegative force was actually the power behind these interactions. One thing is certain it was inspiring to replace negativity. It is not an easy way for a sworn sarcasmaholic to live this way, but I am going to try to incorporate a more positive dialogue into my life. I liked that people were responding to us in a friendly way today, which make me realize if I like it, than others must like it too. This alone is a very good reason to replace negativity, what would the world be like, if we all just made an effort to be kind and pleasant. It's something to think about, try it today, just step out with the intention of smiling and thinking positive and see what happens. It could change you.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Step Back

You have chosen to make accusations and insert yourself in something you know nothing about. Here you are, making it more difficult to take care of things because we now have to focus on you. You need to understand that we are working to see that you receive your gift. Every last penny of your gift as a matter of fact, and every time you step in and stir the pot you cause us to focus on you and not on what we need to do.

When someone decides that they will leave you money, they are leaving you a gift. It is not a debt due you or your God given right to have it, it is a gift and a blessing. Instead of focusing on the blessing, you have decided to focus on things that mean nothing right now and only cause others around you to be resentful. Please do me a favor and step back.

Step back and look at yourself whimpering and whining like a child about fair and right. Step back and realize that you reap what you sow and by chastising and brow beating you are putting yourself in the path of this energy coming back to you one day. Step back, just once step back and look at what you are doing and how it is affecting others.

I have forgiven you and released my anger, but I find that you continue to poke and poke me. I can feel my forgiveness dissipating and I am working to remain centered and not judge, but it is a difficult place to be, it feels very much like I am lodged between a rock and a hard place. Each time I step out of this place, you find a way to drag me back in and I struggle to understand why you ended up this person that seems to only find joy by being miserable, untrusting and spiteful.

Step back and realize that money is not the root of all evil; people are. Not because having money is bad, but because of what it causes people to think and feel. Money causes stress and jealousy and suspicion. Money in its rawest form can be a drug that convinces people of how great they are or how powerful they are. Money can also change lives and bring hope where once there was none. The turning point with money and what turns it from evil to good is how it is received and how and when it is used. You must know that you are showing your roots and I beg you to step back.

Step back, step back and give me some room, you do not belong in my space and I need you to go. When things are settled you will know and you will have your GIFT. This is not, I repeat NOT a debt due you but a generous thoughtful gift and I would appreciate it if you would honor and respect that intention. Just step back and allow the process to work as it should.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Spiritual


I have a chair in my living room that is surrounded by candles, old family photos of my Mom and me and a very cute picture of my Grandparents smiling and waving out the windows of their very first car. Also on the table near the chair is my bible and the box stuffed with my Mom's ashes and as you may recall (if you have been stopping by my blog for a while) my Mom's dog and cat's ashes as well. On the walls nearby I have a stained glass moon, a moon mirror and a beautiful photograph that Mark took of the moon, as well as sun mirrors and sun plaques. In this chair is where you will find me writing on most cold fall and winter days, surrounded by happy memories, soft candle light, my family and celestial representatives.

 
It struck me recently that what I had created without realizing it was a place for reflection and prayer and in this place I feel centered and calm. I can pray and meditate and feel connected to my family and God. This place is a simple retreat where I can feel the love of my family that has passed and connect with my inner feelings and thoughts.

 
A few months ago I had consulted with a professional astrologer in hopes of learning some insights about myself and the path my life was taking. During my discussion with the astrologer, she had recommended that I construct a place for meditating and connecting with my loved ones. She shared that when loved ones pass we are left with the chance to continue the work their souls need to do and by connecting with them through thought and prayer we can help ourselves too. The interesting part was that I already had this place that I had created for myself.

 
Somewhere inside I have always been spiritual. I have always had a strong faith in God and the belief that my time here on earth needs to be spent working towards a more enlightened being. There is no doubt in my mind that I have a purpose on this earth and that by connecting with people and being open to opportunity I will become a better human being. I take the chance by telling you these things that you might consider me a bit of a crack pot, but I have two reasons for stepping out of my spiritual closet.
  1. Everyone needs a place to reflect, some place that they can go to and be one with themselves and think.
  2. Taking care of you is just like taking the air mask on an airplane before helping anyone else. You must come first so that you are able to be there for others.
There are days when there is not a spiritual bone in my body and if I was taken to the pearly gates there would probably be a conference about whether or not I should be allowed in. I am a work in progress, a very slow work in progress at that, but when I climb in my chair and look over at my loved ones I realize that I am not alone and no matter how slow the progress is, it is still better than no spiritual progress at all.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Halloween 2

I am running on something close to empty this morning. My engine is not revving even though I have poured a few sips of coffee into it. The problem is that at the last minute yesterday, I was planning a meal for my girls and their friends and trying to make my house look a bit festive since it was Halloween. I had done no real decorating or planning for the first time in years. At first I thought it was just because I had been recovering from my surgery, but then it hit me…my kids are growing up.

The first sign I had was when Aly came to me and announced that her and her boyfriend were planning to hand out the candy. I responded to her news by asking "You're not going to trick or treat?" I said this of course in a sad almost whining way. The second sign was that Avery who normally begins planning her next year's Halloween costumes after she has sorted her Halloween candy, had not said a peep about what she was going to be until the night before Halloween. At that point she was planning to borrow some purple Spanx and use an old Dracula cape to be some sort of super hero. When the owner of the purple Spanx failed to bring them to school yesterday Avery's plan changed and at 3:30 PM yesterday afternoon (Halloween day), the costume design became a "Fifties girl" and off we went in various directions to gather the parts.

There was a time when weeks ahead of Halloween I was designing and making costumes for the endless stream of parties and activities. I would decorate my house with pumpkin designs and witches brooms. I would be party planning for classrooms and volunteering my help on party day too. Now, I find that the saying is true "be careful what you wish for". All those years of rushing and hurrying and griping about how stressful and busy Halloween is are over. Other than my rush to the store yesterday to buy the needed Halloween candy to pass out, my day was pretty stress free and the sad truth is that as I watched my children enjoy the evening in their own way, a little piece of me longed for a school parade or party.

Time marches on, and with time everything changes. The one thing I am learning that although the changes are hard and sometimes even reminders of what we should be grateful for, most often change is for the best. I will admit that my slow morning and groggy temperament are more due to the one too many glasses of wine I consumed trying to recognize that these changes are for the good. I think in the attempt to convince myself I may have lost track and enjoyed more wine then I should have. I can say that last night in an attempt to treat myself I played a trick instead!