Happy Halloween

The pumpkins were carved and left without care

On my dining room table for goblins to scare

We went right to bed and did not think to check

But this morning we wondered, "What the heck?"

Our pumpkin was missing the stars that were made
To give the look of a celestial parade

Where can they be, what could have happened?

Was a ghost in our house and quietly nabbing them?

When what to my listening ears I did hear?

But a dog crunching loudly on our stars so dear

She gave but one look, not the slightest remorse

And continued to eat her pumpkin treat of course

So now I am left to explain their demise
And know that with our pumpkins
next year we will be more wise!

The Victim

They can be a family member or friend, but we all know one. Anything that happens seems to affect them. You say something and they take it wrong or twist it to mean something different then intended. The victim tends to see slights where none are and they are diligent about making sure that others know how victimized they are. They are not private people because if they kept quiet and handled life as it comes, how would anyone know that they are a victim.

When things are slow and the victim is feeling like the attention on them is slowing down, they attack. They quietly start poking at the one person they know they are certain to antagonize. Generally it is someone that they have built up as the "problem" they convince soft hearted people that if it was not for this "problem" person everything would be OK. They gather support from people by telling stories where the information is shared in a way that insures that they remain the victim.

In the past my victim has accepted my help and used me and then when I was no longer convenient, turned on me and accused me (to others but not to my face) of being the latest tormenter. I spent many years trying to make things right, turning the other cheek and even pretending that it was no big deal, even attempting to grin and bear the accusations while this victim continued their work, drawing in well intentioned unsuspecting people.

Here is what I have learned. No one changes unless they want to. People continue to be destructive, thoughtless and hurtful and refuse to learn until they have no one left to blame but themselves. You cannot change anyone but yourself and if your gut is telling you this is not a good person or a good situation believe it and walk away. It is not always easy and it is definitely not always convenient to walk away, but go.

The more this victim is allowed to insert themselves into your life and wreck havoc on your thoughts and feelings the more power they have over you and the less power you have. You should know going in that not everyone will see this person the way you do. Some people will feel bad for this person and say things like "poor so and so" and "it's such a shame about so and so" and my favorite "It's so unfair how these things ALWAYS happen to so and so", but knowing what I know about the victim, I do not feel badly at all.

We all have choices to make. Life is all about choices; it is what you do with all of those choices that will make the difference. My choice is that I am unwilling to allow a victim to take control. I have no interest in being the victims, victim. As long as being a victim continues to work for them they are going to keep at it, but that does not mean we have to stick around and take the blame.

The First Frost

It has been a dreary damp few days. No real sun to speak of, lots of rain and a definite feel that summer has ended and fall has taken control. This morning I awoke to frost and two hours later despite the sunrise the frost remains. It is time for the heavy sweaters to come out of storage and the apple cider to be warmed before drinking it.

 While I enjoy each season during the year, I struggle with the lack of sun during the fall and winter. There is something about the sun that keeps me feeling joyful and happy. Sitting anywhere with the warm sun pouring on you can change your day. Sunshine fills your heart and warms not only the outside, but your inside as well. Your step seems a little lighter and you smile a bit easier when the sun is out.

 With this frost I hope for other changes as well. I pray that those things that lay heavy on the heart become lighter and easily forgotten. I hope that decisions and choices that are being made are the right ones. There is also the feeling that some of the wrongs that have been done may be righted with patience. This frost brings new views and changes the landscape enough to give hope that not only the season is changing, but the people too.

 One can only hope for the light to stay bright and the cool frost to sparkle and dance and show its joyfulness. Once you resign yourself to the change, you open yourself to endless joyful possibility, all this because of the first chilling frost.

Keeping Perspective

We recently had sad news in our small town. Two young girls who graduated from our local high school a couple of years ago and were attending college had been out with friends last Saturday night. Both of these girls were riding as passengers in the backseat of a friend's car when they were stopped suddenly in traffic on the express way. The driver behind them did not see the traffic at a standstill and slammed into the back of the car killing both girls instantly.

Yesterday afternoon I was having lunch with some friends and we were talking about how sad it was for these families to lose their children. One of our friends shared that for one family it was even more tragic. In addition to their loss of their daughter, the Dad had recently been diagnosed with stage four prostate Cancer and only had a few months to live. Suddenly this family was thrown from dealing with one devastating event to another. I just looked at my friend and said "Sometimes we forget how truly blessed we really are".

My heart was breaking for both families and in that one moment I realized that all those little annoying things that my family will do that drive me crazy, are really no big deal. You forget in your day to day living, where your life's value really comes from. You think it's the new car or the trip you are planning or the new outfit you bought, but when you really open up your life and look at it, what matters most is the family and friends that you have and the time you spend with them, because in an instant they can be gone.

Recently I ran into an old friend and she was talking about how her Mom was not well, and unwilling to move closer to her so that she could care for her better. She hated the drive and did not know how to reason with her Mom about the issue. As I heard her talk, I thought about all the times I had been annoyed about driving across town 25 miles to check on my Aunt Nina. I just looked at my friend with tears in my eyes and said, "I know it's hard right now, but when she is gone you will miss this time with your Mom."

The truth is, it is just like the saying goes, "You don't know what you've got until it's gone." I hope I can keep this perspective and remind myself each time I get frustrated over something that means nothing. There are families faced with heartache and sadness everyday and while I am worried about whether my counters are wiped off or my children will grow up normal, they are dealing with burying their children and healing their loved ones. You may not get the chance for one more hug or one more chance to share time with someone in your life, so keep perspective and make the time while you can, because life can change in an instant.

The Search

I have had this feeling for a while. This weird empty "not sure but something is not quite right feeling". I have talked about it and thought about it. I have considered reasons why I might feel empty, could it be "I should get a job" or could it be "I need to get more involved" or could it be that "I am ready to enter a new chapter in my life". Whatever the reason, I find myself feeling very ready to except a new life direction.

I have no agenda or plan of any kind, just a wide eyed open need to fulfill myself in some way. How do you do this? How do you fill the emptiness when you are not even sure how? I am nervous about investing myself in anything and then becoming overwhelmed on the one hand, but on the other hand if I spend much more time feeling like a helium balloon (light, airy and drifting) I will end up floating away.

How do you begin to search for your meaning? Where do you look? I am ready to be filled and not empty, but by being empty it leaves me open. This empty feeling is helping me keep my eyes and heart open to what might be waiting out there for me. Since this is a search, it would probably be best f I also consider that the answer could be right here within me. Maybe there is no need to search at all.

For now I am content pondering this "not quite right" feeling. In time a plan will unfold that will end my search and fill the emptiness. It always seems that you want to be calm when you are busy and busy when you are calm. If I am patient maybe I will find that place where I am just right and everything is as it should be, not too busy and not too calm. This search could possibly be an opportunity to learn more about myself and grow. One thing I know for sure is we are never done evolving and growing so perhaps within my search I am learning that there are times of "not quite right" to keep us learning about who we are.

The Life I Want Most for Myself is…

I am stumped. I have a card from a packet of cards that our church handed out to everyone for a new series of sermons our pastors are doing. We are doing a Strong Challenge to strengthen us spiritually and my card today says "Write a letter to God that begins with the sentence The life I want most for myself is…" The card recommends acknowledging mistakes I have made and also to try to focus more on what a good and beautiful life would look like for me.

So, here I sit wondering. The truth is in spite of the challenges I have faced over the last few years, I believe I am living a great life. However, if I was standing before God I suspect I would feel challenged to push myself a little bit, so here goes:

The life I want most for myself is a life that keeps me in touch with people. I truly enjoy interacting with all types of people and anything that I can do to continue this path in my life would be a blessing. I know that I have shut myself off from dreaming big or believing in myself and I wish that I could move past that. I know that I am not a good example to my children that they should believe in themselves when I do not model this for them.

The life I see ahead for me involves working towards calming the stress and fear that I have and learning to lean more on God and less on my own control. As I see opportunities rise to reclaim myself I will reach for them. I will believe in the power of God and his ability to help shape my life. I hope to be the type of person that can be an example of joy. I would like to be able to always believe that God's will is for our good and that whatever happens in my life that is where I am suppose to be. While I always pronounce my belief that I am where I am suppose to be I still tend to try to grab the rudder and turn the boat myself. I hope and pray that in the weeks, months and years to come I keep my hands to myself and let you God be the captain. I acknowledge that all my blessings have come from you and I continue to feel your love even in my darkest moments. While I feel I am living a wonderful life I also know through you there are more blessings and love then I could ever measure.

Well, maybe I was not as stumped as I thought I was, apparently when you set your mind to it you can see a good and beautiful life for yourself. What don't you give it a try?

Parenting Style or Parenting Don’t

Most recently I have been receiving feedback from my children about my parenting and overall it seems I am lacking. I was taking it very personally until it hit me that I am not perfect. I feel like what my children are dealing with from me is a total upgrade from where I came from and if it is not good enough, I guess they will have to rein it in and work towards becoming a better parent than me.

I am very much over beating myself up because one of my children cannot make a decision. I have a habit (good or bad) of placing options in front of my children about outfit ideas, destination ideas, friendship issues and more and once they have settled on an idea, I ask "Are you sure that is what you want to do? Perhaps, blah blah blah (insert issue or outfit here) might be better." While I agree that I am the wing woman on my children second guessing themselves, if they recognize it as a problem then they are the ones that need to fix it. Keeping in mind that I apparently have a problem with this, is it necessary to beat me up over it? Obviously, they are way more together then I am and they have caught on to my issue so instead of holding me accountable I think it is time to turn the tables and say "Hey, if you think it is a problem and you are aware of it then by all means fix it!"

This parenting gig of mine started out small with only one person's life in my hands, and then over time two more moldable children came along. With each addition my style has changed. With my oldest I was aware of what she was wearing, how other people were seeing us, because I was a divorced single Mom who worried about the stigma and never wanted people to think that Ashleigh went without or was unloved. Along came Aly eleven years later, and I continued my concern over other people and clothing plus many other type A things that haunt me now. Once Avery joined us two years later I ran out of time and energy to care as much about all the other people, the clothes or whether people knew that my children were loved. I just had to keep plugging away as best I could, as I made parenting mistakes and wrecked havoc on my poor children.

Now each of my children has enough issues to keep a good therapist in business. The thing is that I love them all and wanted nothing but for them to have better lives then what I had and I believe I accomplished that part…at least so far. The remainder of issues that my children face will have to be on them to fix, because I am still sorting out the mess in my own head and that job is a real dozy!

I guess the best advice I can give on parenting today is, if you think you can do it better than give it your best shot. Everything looks easy from the outside, it is when you climb in the trenches that you really find out what people are made of. The one thing that matters the most is I love my kids. If it means that they have a few glitches when they head out on their own, that's OK. Once they have kids of their own their kids will help them get those glitches all straightened out.

Perspectives

My husband, Mark, who rarely reads my blog, chose yesterday to stop by my website to take a peek. Yesterday afternoon, I received this text from him:
"BTW if your kids are happy with you all the time, you are the perfect friend, not the perfect parent…and guys know they aren't perfect well before they have kids; their wives remind them all the time."

 The portion of my blog post that offended him was this:
"I have to say, I am not recalling any instances where Dad's were clamoring to be the perfect Dad. What do they know that I do not? It does make me the slightest bit jealous that men can go about their lives with the only goal being to take care of them and perhaps find a wife to pick up the slack when they realize they cannot take care of themselves at all. Thinking about it they are essentially looking for someone to replace…you guessed…their mom."

 While I appreciate his insight about being a perfect parent not a perfect friend, I was taken aback by his comment that we women somehow continuously berate men. With his reaction began a storm of varying perspectives within me. I personally do not feel that I have spent a good portion of my married life beating down my husband. While I know that his comment was shared in a joking manner, I think that a part of him truly feels beaten down. I also got my panties in a twist that he felt that this was a continuing issue that beleaguers men.

My reason behind the feelings that I expressed are based on the phenomenon that I live in my home. I am the Stay-at-home mom, the driver of children, grocery shopper, referee, event planner, travel agent, laundress, and housekeeper. I will admit that my husband is willing and able to assist me upon request, but overall, there is an unwritten, nonverbal agreement that I am in charge of what happens here at home. When I wrote that men can just go on with their lives, I was thinking about all of the times I have packed and planned my girls, husband and I for a trip. This usually involves my grilling my children about what they have, what they are bringing and what they need in addition to finding out what Mark has, needs and is bringing. Fortunately the girls are old enough to plop it all in their own bag now and Mark does the same, but I know if I was not asking questions and making a plan, there would be girls wearing swimsuit bottoms as underwear and many other fashion don'ts.
 My goal in my marriage is not to be a nag and beat my man down, and I am sorry if my husband feels that way, generally within our relationship, I have truly felt that the woes of parenting are my burden to bear. My husband does not spend hours worrying about whether or not he is a good father or whether or not he should have said something to one of our children, he just parents how he parents and never looks back. I on the other hand (and if you are a regular reader you already know this) spend many hours beating the subject of mothering to death. Perhaps my husband actually has the right idea. Why spend so much time dwelling on this nonsense, just keep plugging away and eventually the kids will leave home and pay for therapy to fix their issues.

 Along With that, I should also mention to my husband, Mr. Funnypants, that if it was that bad, why is he still hanging around? I must be doing something right, maybe my charm is keeping him around. If nothing else at least we both have a good sense of humor and can realize that we may not see eye to eye, but in the end our different perspectives are what keep this relationship interesting.

The Good Mother

Question of the day: What is a good mother? I ask this because I am thinking about giving up the quest. Perhaps it is because I feel like the harder I try to say and do all the right Mommy things, I come up short. When is the job of mothering not scrutinized by someone else or your own children? Who gets to decide what good is anyway?

Do our children decide what good is? If so I would think my review would be nowhere near five stars. I most definitely would not get the AAA rating (Ashleigh, Aly & Avery). On any given day I have one, to all of my children feeling like they could do much better with a different version of good old Mom. I have taken up the cause of supporting one daughter through her divorce and quest for independence and another through preparing for college and leaving home and still another that at the moment seems to like me a little bit. At any moment the jig could be up and one of them will yank my good standing based on some miss guided but well intended advice or comment.

I am nowhere near perfect and I recently discovered that perfection is quite illusive and not available to humans in general so my odds of perfection are pretty much zero. I do have to say that I would be happy if at some point if I was at least getting thumbs up from all my girls at the same time. The perfect mother idea is actually pretty annoying and the quest, (which I admit to attempting) leaves you feeling like you have no life of your own and extremely resentful when it goes unappreciated. Perfection at this point should probably just be a quest for good or OK. If you talk to other Mom's, which I fortunately do often, you hear this tale of non perfection woe often. I have to say, I am not recalling any instances where Dad's were clamoring to be the perfect Dad. What do they know that I do not? It does make me the slightest bit jealous that men can go about their lives with the only goal being to take care of them and perhaps find a wife to pick up the slack when they realize they cannot take care of themselves at all. Thinking about it they are essentially looking for someone to replace…you guessed…their mom.

With all of this undocumented and unstudied data to support me, I have come to the conclusion that I no longer give a hoot what perfect or even good mothering is. The fact is I have a little of both in me and I pull out what's available at any given moment, so I really do not care what anyone else deems acceptable as good or perfect. What you see here is a fine specimen of experience blended with a little (or a lot) of winging it. Add to that some empathy and at times annoyance and you have me doing the best I can.

I will not change, I am going to say the wrong thing and sometimes the right thing. I will think about chasing my children with a broom down the street, but will not. I will accept the eye rolling and deep heavy sighs that say "seriously how did I end up with this Mom". I will also willingly accept the comparison to another Mom, because I know from the outside looking in we can all put on a good show, but when the chips are down, we Mom's are all sitting around wondering "What is a good Mother? Today I answer that question with, "You are because you try".

Handling Change

How do you handle change? Are you laid back and accepting? Are you uncomfortable and worried? Do you consider change a good thing or a bad thing? I ask this because I am swinging on the gate of change and I am not sure how well I am handling it. On the other side of the fence gate that I am swinging on is our future and I am struggling to accept that regardless of what I want, there is a greater plan for my family and me.

 The old saying is "When God closes a door, he opens a window", and I am looking for that window now. I have a daughter who is so desperate to move on that she is trying my patience and making me consider sending her on her way now and a husband who is facing unemployment in less than two months, while I sit here like a lump healing from my surgery. We have the chance to make this an opportunity instead of a death sentence; it is just how we take on these challenges that will matter in the end. The other piece of this is that our children are watching. Will we teach them to face adversity with calm and move forward with grace, or will we teach them to fear change and difficulties? Our best shot is to face forward and move through this time with calm and grace.

 The more antagonized I become with my daughter the more stressful the situation becomes. Last night as I sat in my temporary recovery zone, my daughter was performing another version of Godzilla and I had had it. It seems that I cannot say anything that does not send her spiraling out of control and I realized that I need to take back control. I have allowed this to go on long enough and I am done. Regardless of what she thinks about me, I am taking back my parenting rights and taking control. This is going to be a change and it is not going to be easy, but if I expect to flow gracefully and calmly, I must disable Godzilla. I think that Godzilla must learn where her bread gets buttered so that she stops acting like we are just an inconvenience that she must endure until next August. This is not going to be easy for any of us, but change never is.

 The next item to face is the potential for unemployment. While we know the job market is at its worst right now I am also aware that attitude is everything. If we fall into the trap of believing the doom and gloom, we will become frozen in the distress and become unable to move forward. It is best for us if we do everything within our power to stay positive and busy. If we stop for one minute and rest, that could be the minute that the negative thoughts begin and we have no time for that.

 Overall we are blessed. As I spend a large amount of my time right now watching television and reading, I can see from the news that the world is full of unrest. It seems as though not one part of our world is without turmoil. I can look out my window and see nature; I am not faced with violence or public discontent. It is easy to get caught up in your view and not see the greater one. Change is happening everywhere and the reason that God closes a door and opens a window is so that we do not become stagnant. It is time for our family to accept the changes of our greater plan and see what the future has to offer. I guess it is time to step down from the gate and climb through the window.

Enough is Enough

I think I get it now I am to be seen and not heard. You want me to be there for you, but not say too much. I should be interested and excited for what you are doing, but you do not need to be that way for me. I need to be attentive and caring and follow through for you, but you are not going to do that for me and I have no right to expect it. I also am not allowed to point out that you let me down. I understand now.

Is it possible that I have allowed all of this to go on this way because it is so familiar to me? When I sit back and reflect, I realize the comfort in this is that it is very much like my relationship with my Mom. It makes sense that I would look for that somewhere else. It makes sense that I would build a relationship that requires me to jump up and down trying to be noticed. It makes sense that I would want to work so hard in hopes that you will like me because I have done this my whole life.

Well, enough is enough, I am waking up to the fact that, no matter who you are, you are doing what works for you and I…well, I have to do what works for me. I do not want to continue living within the same four walls of my psychological drama. I need to find me in here and drag myself out. I cannot continue to work so hard to make others happy when I am not. I love you, but I have to love me more.

I have taken the heat for this relationship enough, and I am asking you to look at your part. What can you possibly do to take responsibility for your part in all of this? Is there a chance that your mind tells you that you want this relationship but your heart tells you that you do not? Would it be possible to keep going as we have without being resentful? Please do not think this relationship is unique? It seems that you are not alone I have created this scenario throughout my entire life. I am probably a therapists dream.

I realize that I am just as responsible for the way things have been and I am willing to do the work to change this. The question is are you? Is there a chance that I am just not worth the trouble? Please do not kid yourself into thinking this is all me. Your part is just as profitable for a therapist. Your demands are high and your return is limited which leaves me to constantly question my worth. As I said previously, I love you, I do not want to lose you but if I must let go I will. I understand that sometimes enough is enough.

I Have to Get Out of Here

Last week my middle daughter Aly was distressed. She had a final essay to prepare for a college application and she had a good amount of homework from her calculus class. She was overwhelmed and frustrated and what I considered motivating was only making her angry. I was out of ideas and frankly tired of living with the human form of Godzilla, I just wanted her to move forward and scratch these items off her list. I was essentially hoping to sooth the savage beast.

Mark and I started a conversation with Aly at dinner with this question, "Why are you so angry?" Aly's response was swift and sharp "I just want to get out of here, I don't want to be here anymore!" I have been here before; my oldest Ashleigh had declared the same thing the summer before she left for college. It was hard to hear then and even though I was expecting to hear it from Aly sooner or later, it was hard to hear now too. Wanting to get out of their parent's house is pretty typical for most teenagers, the part that the teenagers do not understand is A. they are not our hostages and B. We want them to go when the time is right. The last thing we want is to have raised children that do not want to get out in the world and be on their own.

I do think her declaration helped me realize how ready she is to carry her own torch. With the words "I just want to get out of here, I don't want to be here anymore!" Aly told me she was ready to take on the world and I need to get out of her way and let her go. The interesting part of all of this is, I am ready. It was hard to hear in the tone that Aly used, but I understood and I respect her for being honest with us. By telling us the truth about how she is feeling, Aly has made the transition a little easier for all of us.

Please do not be fooled, our human Godzilla is still storming her way through the house, but she has made us aware of her dilemma and we are sensitive to it. Aly is still bound to our house rules and our constant need to insert our opinions where she feels they are not needed. I have tried to explain to Aly that we could not be called parents if we were not actually parenting her. This is something that she accepts grudgingly at best. Besides Aly making her personal declaration to us about wanting to leave home, Aly has now completed the essay and the final college application has been sent, plus the calculus homework is done and suddenly the lessons seem easier to her. Most important of all, we are all aware of the goal to "get out of here" and we will all work together throughout this year to make that happen for Aly.

Who’s in Charge Here?

Since last Wednesday I have been at my family's mercy. I have been recovering from outpatient surgery and my family (mainly Mark my husband) has been taking care of me and keeping up with all my household tasks. Here is the rub…it is driving me crazy! I am not sure what hurts more, the surgery that I am recovering from, or watching my family live without my "help".

They are capable and I know they do not have to do things like I do, but letting go is very hard for me to do. In the last few days the fact that my family rarely wipes off a counter or pays attention to the stuff they carry in on their shoes, like leaves and mud is driving me insane. I know considering the overall picture I am being quite petty, but when you are unable to jump in and get everyone on track and you are also somewhat delirious from pain medication everything seems to magnify it's self. A tiny leaf becomes a giant concern and I cannot seem to "let it go" as my Mom used to say.

I am also unable to be the loving thoughtful appreciative wife I should be. My husband could have stuffed me in our bedroom and checked on me randomly, but he did not. He would tote my pillow back and forth to the living room and back to the bedroom. He helped me shower, cooked dinner, grocery shopped and attempted the task of parenting our girls without back up, yet there I sat focused on the tiny leaf and now the small fluff of dog hair that no one else was attentive to.

In my mind I was frustrated that no one was attempting to do things the way that I do them. If everyone would please just take a moment and look at the leaf on the floor, PLEASE! Does it look bigger to you? I swear there is practically a waste dump developing in that spot! The EPA (Environmental Protection Agency with the accent on the mental part), is going to stop by and take a swab off my kitchen counter. There is most certainly a disease that is incubating there. Why is it that I am the only one that can see that there are serious health issues at stake here? Obviously, I need to recover quickly and take back control; someone has to be in charge here.

Years ago in the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding they discuss how the woman is the neck of the home, and while it seems a bit chauvinistic, I realize now that I am the neck. I am also a giant pain in my family's neck. I can tell by their reactions to me that they expected nothing less than my complete unwillingness to submit to their control. They have remained calm (well except for some random under their breath growling) when I have repeatedly mentioned the tiny issues that were of great importance to me. In addition Mark has been the best wife any woman could ask for. While I have expressed concern here and there the last few days about how they would all make it without me, I actually know that they would be fine. I have no reason to expect them to have to make it without me, but the dramatic side of me was compelled to at least throw that card on the table.

Now thinking back, I realize that my family was at my mercy with my irrational need to make sure everything runs like it does when I am at my best. They have held up well without my "help" and in spite of my input. Over all I am the neck and the pain in the neck that keeps our family running, but in a pinch my back up team can handle my little bit of crazy eyed input and still come out in charge.

Time Off

I will be taking a few days off this week, I will be back next Monday.

Is Mormonism a Cult?

In a recent article in a Good Enough Mother blog, she asked the question whether people felt that Mormonism was a cult. This topic was tossed into the spotlight last week Dr. Robert Jeffress announced that he felt Mormonism is a cult at the American values conference where he was speaking. Pastor Jeffress is pastor of a mega Baptist church in Dallas, Texas and he apparently feels that his way is the right way. I disagree for several reasons.

 First, who cares what religion a person is as long as they do the job they were hired to do. I have friends of many types who have beliefs that might be different than mine, but they are still my friends. I have worked with and lived with people of different cultures that have been wonderful people living lives different than mine, mind you none of these people have run for president, but is they did I would support them if they proved to me that they were the right person for the job. I do not normally vote for the party, I vote for the person, so if they are not stepping up to the plate, only lingering near it, they will not get my vote, no matter what their religious beliefs.

 Second, I lived in Utah from 1975 until 1979 and I converted to Mormonism in 1976. At the time I was going to school with Mormons and even living with a Mormon family and some of the reason for my choice to convert was based on the Mormons strong belief in family. I had come from a very dysfunctional background and the strong family beliefs struck me hard. I wanted to live that way and raise a faithful strong family. I never felt coerced into my choice. I think that faith is just that faith and if it comforts you and sustains you when you are praying then you are in the right place for you. I later left the Mormon Church, but for personal reasons, not because I felt it was a cult. They are wonderful people and they were kind and supportive of me through all my choices.

 Third, I am more concerned if the right candidate can get our country back on track, not how or where he prays. The fact that a religious figure whipped out his bible like a pistol and started shooting off his mouth makes me wonder why. Was he using smoke and mirrors to draw attention to his own candidate? The people of America should not allow this type of person to sway them from focusing on the right person running our country. What matters is not how the person or where the person prays, what matters most is if they have faith in America and the American way.

 In the next few months we will be bombarded once again with endless political opinions that have little or no bearing on what is really happening in America. There will be all types of people jumping on the pile hoping to be part of the touchdown. People with little or no information just like Dr. Jeffress will try to sway us to think just like them. The trick will be to continue to believe what you know to be true and right and not let yourself be driven off track by the bible wielding or the witch hunting. Everyone go back to what you were doing, there is no cult here.

Wave Your Hands in the Air like You Don’t Care

What do you do when you are almost done raising your children and that is all you do? How do you let go while leaving some of your dignity intact? I can see that my daughter Aly is very over my mothering. She made it very clear as she prepared for her high school homecoming dance that my assistance was not needed. "How about your hair, do you need help?" I asked excited to be a part of the preparations. "Nope" she replied in her confident I have it under control voice. "Ok" I said as I slinked away.

 Avery on the other hand still wanted my help which made me feel a little better. I am not totally being tossed aside yet. I did Avery's hair and her make-up and everything went very well. We were all moving forward on schedule with no attitudes or tempers. It was all very nice, yet I felt let down. Honestly, Aly's breaking away so much earlier than I remember Ashleigh doing it. I think I am feeling blindsided with this unexpected cutting of the apron strings. I am standing here holding these chopped off apron strings wondering when it happened and why didn't I see it coming?

 In the middle of my shock I have had to pull myself together enough to not let on to Aly that anything is wrong. I still have to carry myself as if I am in control even though her interest in my opinions and input are minimal. I cannot let her see me sweat or show weakness that would give her the feeling that I am not needed and that is completely unacceptable. I plan to hang on to this mothering gig as long as I can!

 I am not ready to be out of work. I know I will always worry, and I have told all three girls that, but who knew I would mourn the loss of my ability to butt in? For now I am going to just wave my hands in the air like I don't care! I am going to remain calm and act naturally and perhaps this breaking away thing will slow down or stop for a little while. In the mean time the more I act like I do not realize the breaking away is happening the better…at least for me it is better, Aly on the other hand is perfecting her eye rolling and heavy sighing.

Difference of Opinion

For the record, I know you are not me, I know that you do not have to do everything I suggest and I also know that you do not agree with all of my ideas. I also know that no one seems to be taking me seriously and that you have completely disregarded my idea without even looking into it. You are not willing to explain why my idea is not acceptable to you, you have just shut down and you are annoyed that I will not drop it.

I am surprised you do not know me well enough to know that I cannot drop it when I do not feel heard. I can also not drop it when I am not allowed to explain myself. What happens is that I become highly agitated and want to explain myself and I feel like I have to continue to explain myself until I feel like someone is listening to me and I am heard. Being heard is important to me. Why at my age I still am fighting the demons of my childhood I am not sure, but I am.

Growing up I had no voice I did not matter and it is still part of who I am today. When you do not listen to me I feel hurt and lonely. I start feeling like I have to make you see my side. I become defensive and frustrated and angry. Now instead of you listening to me you are angry at me and we have a difference of opinion with no possibility of meeting in the middle. This is not a good time to mock me or belittle me yet you did.

Now you come to me feeling badly for what you said and how you said it, you also tell me you looked into my idea and the results were 50/50. I appreciate that you are apologizing, but the thing is, if I cannot tell you how I feel and trust you to treat me with respect then our difference of opinion becomes something else entirely. I am hurt and I am sad and there is a piece of me that wonders why it is so hard to just talk to me. Why choose to block me and what I am saying with looks and sighs, as if I am so annoying, when all you need to do is just listen and respond. No you do not have to do what I say, but it would be nice to feel like you at least considered my ideas if only for a moment. I do not want to change you, I just want to share my opinion and possibly help you out and all you have to do is listen and let me know I am heard…how hard can that be really?

Two Too Tired Teenagers

Homecoming week here in our small town always feels like I think it must in the cities where they host the Super Bowl. There is one activity after another at the high school, everyday. Both my girls are on student council, Aly is senior class treasurer and Avery is a sophomore representative, so not only are they participating in all the activities, they are in the machine that is making all these activities happen. This is a recipe for two too tired teenagers.

I have had more sassy mouths and eye rolling this week then I can take. I have tried to remain calm and not react and I am still accused of "yelling" at them. Actually a couple of days ago Avery said "Mom, stop yelling at me!" That's when my eyes bugged out and in a temporarily crazed moment I yelled at the top of my lungs "I was not yelling, but NOW I am!" I mentioned to a friend that I was almost to the point of telling them if they do not knock it off, I am not going to let either of them go to the dance and her response was " Don't do it, then you will be stuck with their crabbiness all night!"

On top of the teenitudes I am also watching every possible teen drama unfold amongst Avery's group of friends. Teens sticking their noses in other teen's relationships. People planning to come to dinner then not come to dinner, teens that are in the clique that do not want non cliquers at dinner and teens inviting people to the dinner I planned and am preparing with a friend without asking if that is ok. I cannot wait until tomorrow night when we drop their fancy dressed butts at the homecoming dance and we can once again focus on real life and not "As the teens turn".

When Aly and Avery arrive home on Sunday after their sleepovers, I am going to have to put them in quarantine until they have rested up enough to be half way civil. Actually now that I am thinking about it Sunday afternoon would be a great day for Mark and me to hop in the car and take a ride to see the fall colors. The trees are changing quickly and it is suppose to be warm and sunny all weekend. I think leaving these two too tired teens home alone to fight amongst their selves is the perfect plan.

Open Letter to Ashleigh

My oldest daughter Ashleigh has been going through a difficult time. Her life has suddenly jumped from one path to another and she is feeling very much like she is starting over. I want her to know that life does not start over. What seems like a slide backwards right now is actually a giant step forward.

 Life is always twisting and turning, when you make a choice that turns life in a different direction, you need to know that you are still on your journey. You never know what will be around the curve and that is part of the joy and frustration of life. I know years ago I told you Ashleigh that we all make mistakes (I have made plenty!), it is what you choose to do after you know it was a mistake. Do not beat yourself up, do not worry about what would have been or should have been. Step back on the path and keep moving. One of the best things that came out of one of my mistakes was you. If I had not married your birth father I would not have had you in my life. I will always be grateful for that sidestep on my path.

 You are intelligent, talented and people oriented. You light up a room with your smile and laughter. No one can take those things away from you. Sure you might be a little dramatic now and then, but considering your parents, I think that it is a genetic issue and something that you have learned to live with quite well. You have the opportunity now to discover even more of your talents and gifts, and I hope and pray that you will.

 Ashleigh, please know that you have not failed at anything, you learned something. The only time you fail a test is when you did not learn the lesson, and I believe that you have learned the lesson and more. You are a gift from God, you are precious and you are one of the best parts of my life. I am proud of you for knowing when it was time to take a new path and then doing it in spite of what others might think and feel. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS! XXOO Mom

No Curse No Worries

My husband thinks I am nuts. He feels like my curse worries are unwarranted and that I need to just settle down. He is certain that life is just happening the way it is suppose to and that I had better just saddle up and come along for the ride. I know I might have gone over the edge a little about this, but honestly by now you must know that I am a drama Momma. Seriously, you have read my descriptions of the things my girls say and do, how do you think they got like that?

Yesterday, I received two cards from friends of my Aunt Nina both of whom were at her memorial luncheon last week. They shared with me that my Aunt would have been thrilled with the luncheon and that she loved me and had shared with them how much she appreciated what Mark and I had done for her. For some reason until those notes arrived I was convinced that my Aunt was disappointed in me and that I had let her down, having her friends tell me how much she would have enjoyed the get together seemed to ease my mind, and the fact that Aunt Nina's Grandson took leave from the Marines to come to the internment in September and then did not even show up (because he was still at home sleeping) makes me think that maybe I am not the one that will be cursed if that is actually even a possibility.

I need to get on with my life and not assume that everything that happens has something to do with choices I have made. Who am I kidding anyway? That would give me an awful lot of power and I am certain that I really do not have any power at all. When Mark came home yesterday he told me that we now have an end date for his job of December 16^th and when I began to blab once more about my curse he asked me why my curse would affect his fellow employees that will also be faced with their job ending on that date. That is when I finally realized that…wait for it…Mark was RIGHT, I have no control over any of this and the only curse I have is the one I placed on myself by worrying that I had a curse.

Life is going to happen just like it is suppose to. I am not responsible for all the woes of the world and I most certainly have done everything in my power to make sure that Aunt Nina's transition from this life to the next happened with grace and love. It is time to slide on my big girl panties and accept what life has in store purely at face value and stop worrying about there being ulterior motives from some unseen source. I feel like I am on the right track just announcing to the world that Mark is RIGHT. Surely that in its self should bring me some good karma; I have no curses and no worries. Life is throwing us an opportunity for some change and we are lucky enough to be able to handle it. It is time for me to saddle up and ride…Giddy UP!

School Spirit

It's spirit week. This is the week in high school that leads up to the big high school Homecoming football game on Friday and the Homecoming dance on Saturday. Each day during spirit week there are theme days where the students dress up in clothes that follow the day's theme. Yesterday was college day, so my girls each wore a shirt that announced the name of a college. This was easy since we spent a good amount of time looking at colleges this summer. Each school offered up a wide range of shirt choices, however, I do have to say many times there were some very nice choices on the clearance rack…my favorite place to shop.

Today's theme is neon wacky tacky day. The best way I can describe this is, very bright colors and weird clothing combinations, so weird that when my girls were leaving today I advised them not to get stopped by the police. They looked ridiculous, but they were happy. They are both so excited for every theme this week. Tomorrow is Decade's day which means I guess you are suppose to dress like a different decade. Aly has already asked Mark to borrow a weird Caribbean looking shirt that she thinks will look like the 60's. Avery has not said a word about it yet which I am sure means we will be scrambling at the last minute.

The rest of the week is hall colors day on Thursday, where each grade decorates a hall in their class colors and then dresses in those colors followed then by school spirit day on Friday where everyone will wear red and white (the school colors) to show their school spirit. Then we have the dance on Saturday. That is when things will heat up around here. We will be curling hair and preparing all day to look beautiful. I learned last year that all the worries about shoes to go with the dress are a big waste since apparently they kick off their shoes when they get through the door of the dance. None the less we still have all the right matching accessories. A girl has to look good you know!

It is definitely a week of fun and excitement. The girls are talking nonstop and they are fighting a little less since they are focused on all of the fun. There is no lack of school spirit here. I am thrilled that the girls are having fun and participating. It is hard not to mentally note each day that we are one step closer to the end of Aly's senior year. She has sent out two college applications and we have two more to go and then I can start bugging here about some other deadline that is probably coming up.

I did have to negotiate with Aly over the weekend. Instead of placing a senior ad for her in this year's yearbook (a common practice among parents that can run between $45 and $400 dollars) I explained to Aly that we would buy her and Avery tickets to a show (Wicked) their theatre class is going to in December. Aly actually took it very well and we discussed how the ad matters for about the five minutes when you first see it and then it gets packed away with your yearbook. Going to the show with her theatre class and friends will be a lasting memory.

School spirit abounds and I suspect that it will be for the rest of this year. I am happy that my girls are making the most of this life experience and I am also glad that at least for now, they have each other to encourage and motivate. In the mean time I am going to cheer from the home front and pray that these good feelings last for them. It would be very nice to make it through this week without some random crazy sister fight.

*\0/* GO TEAM!!

Anvil

What is this feeling? It is a cross between doom and gloom with a little anxiety mixed in. We found out last week that Mark will need to start looking for another job. Sounds like fun in the depressed job market, right? The company that he works with has moved their division out of state and we did not want to move. The division of the company that is still here has nothing for him. He is still working, but we are not sure how long that will last perhaps a few months or worst case a few weeks. It feels like an anvil is teetering on a cliff above us and may or may not fall.

I am not taking this well at all. When my car battery died yesterday I told Mark I was sure that we were cursed. It has been one thing after another lately. Nothing extraordinarily bad, just a lot of stressful annoying things that keep you feeling pushed down. Sort of like you are on a wrestling mat and your opponent has you pinned and will not let you up even though the referee has counted and declared the match over. There's that anvil rocking back and forth precariously overhead.

The truth is I have in my mind that I have done something that has caused us to be in this position. I am convinced that my actions have made us vulnerable and that if I had perhaps done something differently or chosen to do A instead of B, my life would be flowing like it had been just a few short months ago. Mark of course thinks I am being ridiculous and refuses to believe my crazy talk. I just hope he is right, because otherwise he has hooked his star to my anvil and he is going to get hit right along with me when that teetering menace finally falls.

Before you decide one way or the other whether you agree or not you should know a few more things. Last Thursday while Mark and I were out running in the morning, I fell. It was not pretty either, there was a badly skinned knee, a sprained ankle, a scraped shoulder and some very bruised pride as well. I did tell Mark when I got up that I was fine, and completed the run (a testament to my high pain threshold). However, the truth was I was not fine and I am still licking my wounds, another item to add to my curse theory list. Mark, shared with me yesterday when I announced my curse theory that what we have here is "life" nothing more than good old fashioned slogging along like everyone else.

I am not convinced it is just "life", I see the anvil and I keep looking up at it and pointing, but no one else seems the slightest pit concerned about it. I suppose for now, I will have to go along with the idea life is just happening and just relax and ride the wave, but it would be really nice if the anvil would just disappear. It is hard to concentrate when you think any minute you might be crushed. It is even more difficult when you are playing Henny Penny trying to warn people and no one is taking you seriously. At this point I have no choice but to just slog along like everyone else. But let me just say this since you already think I am nuts, it has been a tough few years, I have reached my limit and if at all possible consider the fact that maybe, just maybe I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!

Negative Thoughts

I am trying not to go there, but I cannot stop myself. I have a few concerns right now and I find myself dwelling on them. I know that the right choice is to believe that God will provide and protect and that any concerns I have I should lay before him, but I cannot let go and let God handle them.

I am spending way too much time trying to figure out why things are playing out like they are instead of believing that life is going to play its own way, and not my way. I wish I could switch off my negative thoughts and just trust. I talk a good game about life playing out like it is suppose to don't I? I guess if I am going to talk the talk, I should walk the walk so my goal this weekend is to get back on track and change my thinking.

This sounds easier than it will be, but you have to start somewhere, so I think being positive will help. Now I just have to get myself going for the day there is no time for pity parties or worrying…when the going gets tough the tough get going. I know all this stuff might sound hokey, but I thought a little pep talk would motivate me to think less negative and more positive. The best thing I can do is say a prayer for guidance and release this worry.