You Cannot Make Some People Happy

Outside this morning it is a sloppy slippery mess, today is the final day of school before our holiday break and school was cancelled so my youngest is sleeping in and I have been awake since we received the call. I decided to entertain myself and poke around on Facebook, but instead of being entertained I am now annoyed. You just cannot make some people happy.

I am friends with a local information page for our town and this morning they posted about our schools being closed and some parents were posting angry comments because their children will now miss their class holiday party…seriously? That’s what you’re going to twist your panties in a knot over, a class party? How about the fact that now your child is safe and sound at home? Perhaps my perspective is different since my daughter would be driving herself to school in this mess.

Next I went to a web page for a news station just to see what the weather looks like for  the rest of today and ended up reading a story about a man looking for his birth parents by using Facebook. Once again I was annoyed when people were tossing their opinions about this man’s desire to find his birth parents around making rude and inappropriate comments. What the heck is wrong with people? Seriously!

Perhaps it would be best if I just stop reading the comments people make. I personally am glad that my daughter is home safe and sound in her bed. I will need to find something else to entertain me, because I do not need to be annoyed first thing in the morning by nonsense. Actually, I prefer not to be annoyed any time of the day. I hope the man that is looking for his birth parents finds out what he needs to know and the people that are disappointed about their parties have a better rest of the day, as for me, I will have to avoid reading anymore comments, because you just cannot make some people happy.

Micro Manager

This morning was like a cold glass of water in the face. I stood there directing family traffic as they prepared to head out for the day. Mark was off to work from his company’s local office for the day and Avery was off to school and I was busy making sure that they were managed. “Remember to mail these cards. This one to this person and that one to that person, and remember to bring back my stamps.” I said to Mark. To Avery I said “You are not going to have time to get gas right now, go after school” Then I added “$30.00 is not enough, you need to keep your tank full in winter, put in $40.00”. There was also some conversation about taking medicine and vitamins and finally everyone left and in the quiet I thought to myself… “What just happened here?”

Micro manager reporting for duty! I stood there pondering how I came to the point where I thought that everyone needed my backup in order to get through the day. I know this is lame, but I blame my Mom. Seriously, it is ridiculous I know but, I think that my need to manage and micromanage comes from not having any management as a child. My Mom was focused on my Mom and her life and interests and I was sort of a side car. I was thinking this morning as my ahh haa moment came to the surface that in order for me to cope I taught myself to take control…of everything. Rather than take a chance that something might not get done or go wrong, I head it off at the pass and land on it like a soldier on a grenade.

The saying goes, “the first step is recognizing the problem”. I recognize the problem but now I am wondering where to go from here. Obviously, my family has grown accustom to my micromanaging ways. They expect me to jump in and help keep the ball in the air, how will they ever make it without me sliding in and managing things? I am afraid this problem is going to take a toll on all of us when I begin to work my way out of this management position. Normally I would say let’s just rip the band aide off, but in this case it would hurt all of us at once. I am not sure I can do that anyway.

As I write I can still feel the shock of recognizing my problem…that cup of cold water is still dripping inside my brain. All the little things that I said should happen or someone should do. There are also all the times I have slid in under a problem and caught it before it affected someone in my family, but most of all, the times that I jumped in with my “advice” in order to “help” when I was not asked. Oh boy, the icy realization makes me very uncomfortable.

Being the micro manager has been a very comfortable role for me. I know this will not be an easy change to make; I mean making sure everyone is okay all of the time is a big job. Who will fill my shoes when I step back and balls start to drop, stamps don’t make it back home and medicine and vitamins are not taken? OH Wait. That won’t be my problem right? AGH, I don’t like recognizing my problems at all!! This is going to be A LOT of work!

Angels

There are angels everywhere. You see them and talk to them and never even realize it, the random person that you do not know that you have a conversation with, where you walk away smiling or the kind person that does something unexpected when you need it the most. These people are our daily angels.

This time of year when everyone is hurrying to and fro and time is of the essence the random flutter of an angel can change your whole day.  Some days it seems that the angels are out in force. They are everywhere smiling and letting you through a crowded grocery store aisle or noticing your small amount of items in a long line and letting you go ahead. Sometimes the angels will skip a close parking spot leaving it for you.

I challenge us all to try to be someone’s angel today. It is a higher calling but if you think back you will, I am sure, remember a time when an angel stepped in and lightened a few moments in your day. Today that person can be you.

Have a great day Angels!

So THIS is Christmas

I want to change Christmas at my house. I want to enjoy the moments and the season and just not shop anymore. The real purpose and meaning has disappeared and I want to get it back. This year’s Christmas holiday is in full swing and trying to change things now would be like grabbing the tail of a jet and trying to keep it from flying. It just would not work.

I want the holiday to be reflective and joyful. I would love to adopt a family and buy gifts for them and share what we have. We are truly fortunate and somehow I think our family has lost touch with what real life is like for other families. Years ago when I was a single mom and my oldest daughter was not quite two years old I had nothing. My full time job paid me enough to pay my rent and daycare with some money left over for food. I was just making it; Christmas was an “extra” expense. I remember shopping for my daughter at the dollar store and feeling so sad because I could not do more for her. The funny part is that on Christmas morning she was delighted at every inexpensive item. She did not know where the gifts came from and she did not care.

It is so easy to get caught up in the push to buy Christmas for the ones we love. The advertising and the sales encourage us to focus on the things and not on the reason for the season, which was the birth of Christ. I feel ashamed that I too have become that person that is hunting and gathering just the right something’s for everyone and have spent little time reflecting on the true meaning of this special holiday. Early on in this season when my husband began to ask me what I wanted for Christmas I would say “I don’t need anything” and he would reply, “it’s not about need, what do you want?”. I could think of nothing until I stepped into the stores and read the ads and suddenly everything looked pretty and I “needed” it.

There is no use picking on myself or my family. We are not alone there are thousands of us out there doing the same thing, pawing and grabbing at items and hunting for what everyone wants. I have found myself stuffing the little red Salvation Army buckets more this year trying to ease my guilt, but this plan is not working. Something tells me that next year, with a new and better plan for the holiday, I will be able to say to my family, “So this is Christmas…I love it, it is just what I needed!”

Tis the Season

There is no doubt it is the holidays. What little time you think you have to be ready to celebrate with family and friends begins to feel a bit like a Christmas ribbon noose, tightening as each day passes until you are gasping for one moment of free time which you promptly fill with something else that has to be done.

I have given up trying to be “ready” for the holidays. I bought Christmas cards that I probably will not send and I proclaimed this morning that “I am not making cookies!” I just end up eating them and I just don’t want to do that or have that stress. We have plenty of goodies here no one will starve or pass out from a lack of sugar. The holidays are coming whether I am ready or not, so I would rather just take it down a notch or two.

The song goes “Tis the season to be Jolly falalalalala”, and that is what I want to be. I don’t want to be bloated from too many cookies or overwhelmed by a “have to” annual agenda this year. I am giving everyone fair warning that if you are expecting the usual you will be disappointed. I am not Scrooge and I am not giving up on traditions, I am just slowing down the pace enough so that I can be jolly, after all tis the season right?

The trick will be that I actually follow through with this plan. There is always a chance at the last minute the desire for a homemade cookie or my guilt over not sending cards kicks in and falalalala turns into FLAAAAAAA as I become a high speed blender of activity trying to make up for my non stress plan. All I know is that on December 26^th, non of this will matter for another 365 days so whatever happens I know that in a week and a half the season will be over and life’s pace will even out.

Awww, now I’m a little sad and feeling like I need a Christmas cookie and I should probably send out a card or two to loved ones that are out of state…FALALALALA (ribbon tightening… feeling the holiday noose…) and so it begins, tis the season! 

Wrapcrastination

So the furnace issue is solved, repaired by a professional for the price of a VERY nice Christmas gift, HOHOHO. I prefer knowing my furnace is working properly and that the wading pool is closed over a fancy gift anyway (this info should remain between me and you, I don’t want to let my husband off the hook from doing his usual last minute Christmas shopping for me). I can almost move on from this week’s drama, just a few more hours of the fan blowing to dry out the office and we should be all set.

Now I am faced with circling back to what I should have been doing this week, wrapping gifts. Just one year I would like to buy a gift and wrap it instead of waiting and wrapping like my hair is on fire. Basically I wait so long to wrap that I grab the gifts swirl paper around them and slap on a piece of tape. Who has time for the coordinating bows and wrapping paper with the lovely sparkly tag, certainly not me?

The truth is if I started wrapping when I thought “I should wrap” I would be done now and bragging about it. Instead I shove bag after bag into Santa’s sleigh room hoping the elves will surprise me. This is called Wrapcrastination it sounds like a bad word, and this time of year it really is. The other downside to this wrapcrastination plan is that I have so much shoved into the sleigh room that there are bags at the bottom of the room that I discover and proclaim “I forgot I bought this!” My children reap the rewards of my faulty plan every year.

Today I had planned to get myself together and complete a few tasks but I am afraid that sitting in my chair writing and procrastinating are the order of my day so far. I am just going to have to flip this leg rest down and dump my puppies (They are so cute and snuggly around my legs) on the floor, go run on my tread mill and pretend like I am a productive member of society. I will use the fake it until you get it plan. If nothing else I have to at least wrap my husband’s gifts. The man is out of town, what better time to get this job accomplished?

I wish you a productive and wonderfully pleasant day!

Water Dampens the Home Fires

Yesterday I shared how I was on my own this week to take care of our hearth and home. I was all puffed up about how I can handle it and it is no big deal, I’m just taking one for the team. This morning I have to report that it sounded good in theory but it was tough to put in practice. As soon as I threw “I am woman hear me roar” into the universe, I was met with a challenge.  

As I was preparing to run errands yesterday I ran into my husband’s home office to see what type of print cartridges I needed to buy for our printer. (SIDE NOTE: I buy these printer cartridges all the time and every time I have to go check to see what I need. I annoy myself!) I ran into the office looked at the model number and ran out and as I was sprinting up the stairs I realized that my socks were wet. Isn’t that fun, when you are all set to head in one direction and life stops you dead in your tracks! I was standing on the stairs trying to figure out why my socks were wet and decided grudgingly that I should head back down the stairs and find the wet spot…AGH!

Down the stairs I went looking for the reason for my wet socks and I found it. Water had seeped under the office wall from the furnace room and basically turned my husband’s office into a swimming pool (exaggeration due to frustration!). I tried using our old shop Vac to clean up the water, but because I am always an I LOVE LUCY episode the hose kept dropping out of the vacuum. I decided to unplug the humidifier on the furnace and prayed that would ease the water issue. The crappy vacuum headed to the trash and I just kept feeling like I was being mocked for acting like keeping the home fires burning was no big deal.

This morning I decided that I needed a trained professional to come in and back me up. I have never repaired a furnace nor do I even want to begin to diagnose what is causing us to have the beginnings of a wading pool in our basement, that job belongs to a highly skilled professional not Lucy. I can do a lot of things but messing around with a furnace is not a good idea…AT ALL! I have called our furnace company which I should have done yesterday and they will be here tomorrow…they would have come today but I have a busy afternoon and cannot be stuck here waiting for the furnace repair company. Yeah I know, priorities, however keep in mind it is the holidays and every minute counts right now!

Basically, my womanly roar is more like a meow. I act like I have it all under control, but the truth is I am always doing the fake it until you get it thing, with the focus on the fake it part. This time tomorrow I hope that our furnace mystery is solved, easily and inexpensively. My puffed up demeanor is more subdued now. For fun I looked up quotes to remind me how life works and I will share them with you today.

v  Trials happen for a reason, it's either you give up or stand up and formulate a solution.

v  Nothing happens by accident; you are exactly where God wants you to be.

This was just in case I forgot that I am just a cog in this wheel of life and that I can think and plan whatever I want, but in the end God is running the show. Have a good day and stay dry!

Living Single or Living

My husband works from home, but once a month he travels to the Atlanta, Georgia area to work from his main office for a week. Once a month I live like a single lady. Now before you start thinking I am a tart and run around on my man let me clarify. I am here at home keeping the home fires burning, but all the normal household tasks that we share become all mine. If something breaks, it’s my problem, trash night…that’s me dragging the bins to the curb, taking the dogs out…all me, all week long. There are many more items that become part of my agenda but I don’t want to bore you. Basically I become King and Queen of my domain. My youngest that is still at home with me will help out here and there, but the mental weight of tasks and life here at Casa Beadle are not hers to bear, they are mine.

The flip side of this pressure and stress is the opportunity to change up what is our “normal” schedule. My daughter and I have become accustom to heading out once during the “single” week and treating ourselves to ice cream. We also are much more laid back about dinner, choosing to forgo the usual dinner time routine for eating when we please or we go out to eat.  Along with all of this breaking of routine comes the random nights when my big high school girl turns into my little girl again and wants to sleep in Mom’s bed with her. These breaks from the normal routine have made the weight of responsibility a little easier to take.

I miss my guy when he goes on the road. I miss talking to him and snuggling with him. I also miss having someone to lean on or back me up when life throws me a curve ball, trying to share the burden over the phone just doesn’t cut it. I remember wondering when I was a single lady if I would ever meet anyone that would love me and now that I have that it is tough to give it up even for five days once a month. I find myself thinking about all of the woman that share their husband every day. Military wife’s for example that say good bye to their husband not knowing where exactly he will be and even harder when and if he will come home.

I can handle being slightly single once a month, better women than me do it every day. If it means we are able to be warm and safe, with a roof over our heads and a trip to Dairy Queen once a month, I will haul trash, take out the dogs and handle what I need to handle. Maybe I am not living single after all, maybe I’m just living like everybody else.

Who Can I Bless Today?

As I was trolling through Facebook this morning, I came upon a post from a store that I like called Fabulous Finishes. I have included their picture in my blog today. I am not sure why but the idea of setting out with the intention of being a blessing really struck me. After yesterdays post, it feels a little like a theme. The only difference is the “Who can I bless today?” shows more intention than my “Holiday Madness” random decision to try to prod a cranky clerk out of her bad attitude.  

I like the idea of intentionally setting out to bless or do good, if you will. Working your way through the day and thinking of each interaction with people as an opportunity to be a blessing to them rather than the self involved me focused attitude of “What are you going to do for me?”

Somehow this one simple question changed my day. I had already prepared my mental list of things and people I was annoyed by and I was gearing up for a day of agitation and frustration and then I saw this picture posted on Facebook and my mind stopped in its tracks and I thought… “Oh…yeah, that is a much better idea” this thought process lifted the burden of agitation and annoyance and replaced it with responsibility. I am the author of my own day and if I just change my mental dialogue, I can change what happens in my own story.  

Today I plan to be a blessing. I am not sure what that entails, but my attitude is already different so I am hoping the rest will follow. The holidays can sometimes trap us in what we want and don’t want thoughts and perhaps with just a simple change of how we think we can turn our Holiday Madness into a BLESSING. 

Holiday MAdNesS

The holidays can work two ways with people…they are delighted that it is holiday time and loving all the scurrying around preparing for festivities OR they are annoyed at all the happy people and shoppers, the extra traffic, long lines and in general the disruption in their usual schedules. If you are lucky you see very few of the Scrooge like creatures because they sincerely do not like being around the rest of us.

Yesterday I had to return a dress I had purchased for my youngest daughter. In spite of my decree that I would no longer shop without her I found myself holding a beautiful holiday dress as I was shopping on Black Friday and thought I should grab the frock and bring it home to her. The good news…she loved the dress (YAY) the bad news…it was too big (AGH!!). Now I was faced with returning the dress to the store, which I was not looking forward to.

I decided to make my return midmorning yesterday hoping to miss much of the frenzied shoppers. My plan was to get in and get out of the store (I hear you laughing, but a girl has to have hope!) but it was the best laid plans scenario and in and out was just not happening. It was my own fault; I was distracted by all the pretty lipsticks and the new perfume fragrances out for the holiday. ANYWAY…after my detour at the cosmetics counter I headed over to the Juniors Dept. to return my daughter’s dress. That’s when I met Scroogatha. She came ambling up behind the counter and basically acted like she wanted to help, sucked me in to smiling at her and then BAM. She began by not really acknowledging me other than taking the dress and scanning it. Then she started a conversation with the other clerk about having to get away from the other counter because she could not take their “chattiness”. When I made an attempt at chipping away at the iceberg and said something silly I was met with stony silence. I mean really you cannot throw me a bone? Not even a pretend smile? WHATEVER, I have people that like me you know!

Anyway…I left the counter and stupidly headed out through the Juniors Dept. and stumbled into another possible dress option. OK I am lying I went searching, but in fairness I had a great coupon burning a hole in my pocket! This time I was not going back to Scroogatha’s counter, (I had had enough of her) so I headed toward a short line where everyone was smiling, even the clerks. Just as I approached the counter here came Scroogatha who looked at one of the clerks and said “You have to go to the other counter so that ___?___ can take her break”. The whole time I am thinking “This cannot be happening! Didn’t I just move over here to get away from you?” That’s when it hit me, I had to continue to be nice, God had a plan.

I know it sounds crazy, but I just felt like this was my chance to show her kindness and turn her heart even if it was just for minute. It was not going to be easy since the dress did not have a price tag and she would have to look it up, but I had no choice, I could not tell the woman I was trying to get away from her! So I handed her the dress and remained calm, smiling and thanking her. Her demeanor started to change a little and my defenses started to relax. Next to me another customer was wondering about getting a coupon and she was told there were none to give out, so I offered her one of mine. Somehow this one last moment brought Scroogatha’s final chip off her shoulder and she sent me on my way as pleasant as she could be. It was amazing!

I’m not going to take credit for changing this lady’s life or anything, but I learned that sometimes fate puts us in the path of a challenge and we have to make our way through it or it comes back, sometimes sooner than we want. Perhaps, Scroogatha went on to have a pleasant happy day and her heart turned and she skipped out of work looking forward to heading home to work on holiday preparations. Then again maybe this was a momentary drop of her crusty grouchy exterior. Whatever it was I was able to see two sides of the same person and it made me think that perhaps some people handle holiday madness differently than I do. I become energized and excited at finding the perfect gift and entertaining. My guess is that Scroogatha looks forward to not chatting and having some time alone.

Whatever gets your holiday boat floating, I hope that you enjoy yourself. I also hope that you have the opportunity to touch someone with kindness. We will all need a little morale boost here and there in the next few weeks, so if we work together maybe we can get the happy people and the Scrooge like creatures into the New Year without too much holiday madness.

How Hard Can it Be?

It sounds easy on paper…write a blog every day. It’s not! A few years ago when I was chronicling my way through a horrible couple years with my family, writing was a safe haven, a place for me to release the stress and strains of every twist and turn in my families crazy lives. Words came easily and flowed quickly. It helped that much of what I wrote was the completely unbelievable truth… it had to be written down as proof.

My life now is gratefully less exciting and upsetting. Some days, like yesterday I was preparing for a meeting of our Senior All Night Party committee that was meeting at my home. I woke up and started straightening up my house, still in my PJ’s at two in the afternoon I realized I was still in my PJ’s and had not written my blog. I guess my desire to be prepared for a meeting (with a house full of woman), over road my blog writing.

How hard can it be to write? I can only imagine that those famous writers that write thrilling novels that we cannot put down must become a part of the book that they write. They must become so involved in each character and plot line that they cannot wait to get back to writing each day just so they can carve out each character and plot and make them real.

Again I remind the 3 or 4 of you that read this blog that I write for me and open the window so that you can peek in. Someday maybe I will allow myself to grow past my self-consciousness about my writing and think bigger then this little window and maybe even write about something significant. I mean seriously, who really cares that I was cleaning in my pajamas? For now, I will tell you that even this mundane drivel can be a challenge some days. How hard can it be? Harder than you think.

Decorating

I’m not sure how it is at your house, but here at our house we are decorated and ready for Christmas. The tree is up and every nook and cranny is stuffed with holiday décor. Personally I enjoy feeling Christmas all around me and I can go a little nutty trying to make sure everything looks just so.

This year will be our second Christmas since Mark rebuilt our fireplace mantel. I drove my family nuts on Saturday trying to remember how my mantel looked last year because I remembered I loved it. One of my daughter’s finally said “Mom, instead of worrying about last year, why don’t you just do something nice this year and move on?” Agh, out of the mouths of babes! I was eventually able to stop being fixated, but it took some convincing.

I like getting my house all holiday fancy and I try not to do the same thing to many years in a row. I like variety…it is the spice of life you know? I started pulling out my outside decorations and they just looked so tired and worn that I asked my husband to join me in locating a new fresh look.  I am always worried about the random car driving by judging my holiday décor. I worry about comments like…”What were they thinking?” or, “That light combination does not work at all.” or “Wow, what’s with that?” I realize I have a problem, so don’t feel bad for thinking it. When it comes to Christmas lights I am a complete S N O B and I know it! I have to admit I have trained my children to be the same way. Since they were babies we have driven around on Christmas Eve night looking at lights in other neighborhoods and commenting on what we like and don’t like. I know it is very inappropriate and also very judgie, which I am usually against, but somehow I am fine with picking apart someone else’s holiday décor. I have issues, I know that, but let’s not focus on it okay? It is one night a year and it’s not like I leave a note with suggestions on how to make their display better that would be rude!

I have told my family I am not going to do any baking this year and I was rewarded with pouty faces. The issue is not so much time as it is that I CANNOT control myself and eat more than I need too. I eat the dough, I eat the cookies frozen and I eat them fresh from the oven and then I spend the rest of the holiday feeling like a giant uncontrollable pig! So because of my problem, I make everyone suffer. I suspect you may be learning way to much about me today so to help you see that I have a softer less judging side, you should know odds are good I will cave and bake some cookies, caramel popcorn, and maybe some chocolate pretzels…I always do…it’s the whole no will power thing and mothers guilt thing combined.

Whatever your holiday plans are at your house, I hope that you are happy, decorated just how you like it and if you put lights outside you don’t mind if we drive by and see what we think. I promise we won’t be mean, just a little overly critical. 

Preparing to Give Thanks

Today I finally have time to prepare a few things for our Thanksgiving. We (I) generally keep it simple. The usual suspects land on my Thanksgiving table, turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy and some green veggie. I do not like my vegetables smothered in mushroom soup, I feel that is cruel and unusual punishment and no way to treat a vegetable. I always bake a sweet potato or two just for me. My family has no interest in it, but it reminds me of when I was young and these days I do what I can to remain youthful.

Anymore I skip the rolls it just fills us up and then we all moan and make horrible sounds…it’s just not pretty! I do however make pie…always pumpkin pie, but this year I am introducing a new pie to the lineup, I am going to try my hand at Pecan pie. I saw a recipe on Pinterest and thought it might be fun to try something new, so I mentioned it to my Husband and he said “Pecan Pie is one of my favorites!” OKAY!? Hold up a second, we have been married 21 years, why is this the first time I am hearing that pecan pie is his favorite? Obviously now I have to make it! I am a little nervous now that I have the “favorite” bar dangling in front of me. I can only hope I reach it or exceed it, I mean after all the man has been waiting for 21 years for his wife to get to know him.

I know that when it is all said and done it will be a wonderful meal. We will have all three of our girls here with us which make me very grateful. There will our yummy traditional meal, lots of talking and laughing and time together which we have not had in a very long time. It will take a little work, but we will be prepared to be thankful and full of the Thanksgiving bounty. I pray that all your preparations go smoothly, that your family is with you in person or in spirit and that you can enjoy every minute. Finally I hope that you learn something new about the ones that you love.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

In Plain Sight

This morning I was rushing through my house, I was trying to get ready to head to the airport to pick up my oldest daughter who will be spending a week with us over Thanksgiving. Rush, rush, rush! It was time to go and I could not find my keys…AGH, doesn’t that drive you CRAzY? Where are they?  I checked my purse, I checked my coat pockets and then I checked places I did not think they would be just in case they were there…but they were nowhere to be found. Annoyed, I rushed out the door with our spare car key and hit the road. I certainly did not want to be late picking my girl up from the airport.

About a half hour into my drive I looked over to where I normally set my purse and my heart started to race…NO PURSE. YIKES! In my rushing and scrambling I had skipped a vital part of leaving the house, grabbing my purse. I had no choice but to continue on without it, I was already knee deep into my drive, there was no turning back now.

Once I arrived at the airport I picked up my girl and headed back towards home. After a good amount of talking I realized that we were way past where I should have turned onto the next highway. I had no choice but to take the long way home. There is a point in an already not so great situation that you just have to say a prayer and hope for the best, and that’s what we did. It took a little longer than we liked but we made it home.

Once in the door I ran to my purse and started rummaging into the pockets that I had dug through several times before I left the house and there in the tiny inside pocket that I had dug my hand into over and over again before I left…were my keys, in plain sight. How does that happen? I am just happy to be home with my daughter and my purse both in plain sight!

Passing Time

Time is passing faster and faster. Everyday feels like I just woke up and then turn around to head back to bed. I find myself wondering if the time is flying because of the holidays coming or the fact that my family will all be home for Thanksgiving and my endless list making and preparation shoves time forward. Either way, I went to sleep Monday night, today I woke up to Friday morning. I will not annoy you with wondering where time might have gone; it has just gone, period.

The endless planning and preparing for our short spurt of time with family during the holidays can be daunting and exhilarating all at once. We want each and every thing to hold the memories that we cherish and swell our hearts with love. I find it myself second guessing and rearranging and finally going back to my original plan. I also plot and scheme to make special moments that can be time stamps for us to look back on, when I already know that those special times are never planned they just happen.

Time just flies there is no real reason other than we are flying, our brains are flying and our excitement pushes us faster and faster. In the end, the calm as we relax after we have eaten and talked and laughed is our reward. Peaceful quiet that will last until the dishes are cleaned, then we will climb into bed on Thanksgiving night and wake up to find that it is already Christmas Eve.

Time will fly and it will be gone, but the warm memories will hold us through the cold of winter and the memories will be like flannel pajamas keeping us cozy and comfy for another year. For now we just travel through time as fast as we can, gathering our memories, making lists and longing for a slower pace.

The Confession

Maybe you will remember that yesterday I shared how I recognized my need to do too much and that I was seeing the same issues bubbling up in my daughter? They say the first step to change is realizing you have a problem and I am face to face with this problem this morning. It is currently 4:41 AM and I am plunking away on my computer because my brain woke me as it began trolling through all the things I want to do today. Since I am determined to keep up with my writing (lucky you) my brain kept reminding me that time was short today so if I wanted to, write, workout, have breakfast, make my daughter a smoothie before school, work on a couple of recipes, clean my bathroom and shower all before I run errands at 10:00 AM my brain wanted me up and making lists.

To be fair some of this impulse to GO GO GO is fueled by the fact that my youngest daughter is in her school play this weekend and my lovely middle daughter is coming home for a short visit to see the show along with some rotating family members and friends that will be rotating in and out of the picture as they come to see Avery’s play. Next Tuesday my oldest daughter will fly in and spend a week with us and my middle daughter will also return so that we can all have Thanksgiving together. This means I need to clean, buy food, buy more food, clean more (not that things are dirty, I am just a freak) and go see the play three times. I will also run to a couple stores…okay, probably at least three, paint some furniture that I want to update (this is one of the items that does not have to be done, but I really want to do…yes I am nuts!) so everything looks just so (AGH) and maybe spend some time with my husband who is heading out of town for work tomorrow morning. Did I mention that I might have a problem?

So as I sit here looking at myself in this mental mirror it reminds me again that what I see in my children that worries me the most, are all things that blend into what look a lot like me. I see it but like all good addicts I have it figured out and I will fix it later when it is more convenient, like after the holidays for example. HEY, don’t judge me; you have your own mirror to look into!

It is time to get moving and start checking off things on my list. I have confessed, and now I must move on. Obviously I cannot complain since I am fully aware of my problem and capable of recognizing it in others and totaling unwilling to do anything about it right now…WOW, that really sounds like an addict doesn’t it? This problem is definitely something I will take a look at after the holidays…if I have time.

The Mirror

This morning I had to look in the mirror and it wasn’t pretty. This morning’s mirror was my daughter, frantic, running late and snapping like a cranky turtle. I was not pleased with her demeanor, but I recognized it and that was harder to take than her attitude. Sadly, she has learned from a professional hostage taker, how to handle her stress. I saw all my moves as I watched her. The sharp tone, the pointing at what others have done (or are doing) that contributes to the frantic state and the flying around the house hoping to shave some time off of the lateness.

Now what do I do. She was trained by a master, she is skilled and talented at this craft and somehow I have to untrain her. This mirror is not reflecting what I want my daughter to be. I was primed and ready to admonish her for always running late and grill her about why she did not plan ahead better and then I stopped myself…I know why. In fairness, some of her tardiness traits are her own. Many are also more teenage traits than anything else, but I could see a lot of myself in my baby girl and I did not like the reflection.

Having this mirror reflecting back at me was a harsh way to wake up, but I was also glad for a glimpse, so that I could use this shot of reality to step back and reevaluate myself. I am the one who has to make the first move here. I have to step up, take a deep slow breath and realize that my need to do everything, over plan and gather as much from life’s buffet as I can, may not be the best way to enjoy life and it is not the way I want my daughter to step into hers.

Sometimes the worst part of reflections is the glare and this morning’s glare was a doozie. There glinting back at me were my own flaws, gently disguised in this pretty young girls face and there was no way to grab them back. I realize now as I sit reflecting on my own flaws that I will have to have this conversation one day soon with my sweet young reflection. I will have to share with her that I need to make some changes and gently and lovingly let her know that sometimes what you see in the mirror is not a true reflection of who you want to be. While the view this morning was not pretty, the reflection definitely taught me a lot. 

Taking the Stairs

Life is like taking the stairs. You walk up, you get winded, you think you are almost to the top and then realize you have another floor to go. Better yet, you go up and down because you keep forgetting something below. Up and down, up and down, like a roller coaster using your legs.

I have been up and down life’s stairs often. I always like going up, I like feeling myself progress and move forward. I feel good about myself I perch on the landing enjoying moving up and being in a positive place. I sometimes get a little cocky like I will be perched here happy and complacent for the rest of my life, but then someone I love tumbles down a few steps or I slip a few and down I go and I scratch my head disappointed that I allowed myself to think things would always stay the same.

Life’s staircase can draw you into a false sense of well being. It is always so disappointing to realize that you cannot be at the top forever. I remember years ago when a good friend left a company we were working for. I was offered her job and I was afraid to try to fill her shoes. She was amazing at her job and I was intimidated. That is when my friend said something that I always remember. “There will always be someone to take your spot, you can never fool yourself into believing that you are the best or the only in anything because when you believe that about yourself you are already not good enough, because you will never try to grow and be better than you are right now”. WOW! So I climbed those stairs and learned that job and the next job and the next, working my way up in the company.

It is so easy to want (wish or pray) for every chaotic thing in your life to end, but those uncomfortable stairs are what help us grow stronger and smarter. So you go up and down a few times until you figure out what the next step is or you linger on the landing a little longer hoping that you can keep climbing and sometimes you step back down, regroup and climb up again. Then one day you climb up and move past a few landings and you grow and become better than you are right now on life’s staircase.

Hunger

Hun·ger

 noun \ˈhəŋ-gər\

: a very great need for food : a severe lack of food

: an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach that is caused by the need for food

: a strong desire : a strong desire for something or to do something

-Merriam-Webster.com

Hunger has been on my mind lately. I am currently taking a medication for this lingering illness, which causes a loss of appetite and sleeplessness. I am experiencing both. Fun stuff? No, but it has me thinking so that’s a good thing, considering I have lacked ambition for the last three weeks. A n y way…

I find it interesting that I suddenly can eat very little and not be starving for more food. I am also curious what happens in my brain that normally pushes me to want to eat more than I really need to. I no longer have that hungry feeling. On the other hand I am waking up at 3:30/4:00 AM bright eyed and frustrated with a strong desire (or “hunger” if you will) to continue sleeping even though my body does not want to. I find it interesting that the word hunger can mean lack of something and a lust for something. I am lacking food, but I am lusting for rest, all in the name of a hunger.

Perhaps you hunger for something. Maybe you have a great need or desire that is causing you to have an uncomfortable feeling. We never know when these feelings of hunger will hit or why. They are just there and we do our best to make our way through them at the time. Whatever it is you hunger for whether it is rest or food or love, there is only one person that can feed the hunger or desire and that is you.

While I am taking this medication I will continue to battle these inconvenient side effects, but I will not let them get me down, this is temporary. So many other hungers cannot be so easily dismissed and I am fortunate. For you, this may not be the case. I encourage you to feed your need and desire, care for yourself and love yourself today. The holidays are barreling towards us and this is when we all tend to put others first and lose touch with our own hungers. Remember to feed yourself; you cannot be what others need if you are not caring for you. 

All We Need

Yesterday I heard the story of a woman who is my age and fighting a degenerative disease that over the last five years has whittled away at her so much that all she can physically do is blink. As I read the heartfelt words written by her daughter I could feel the family’s pain and frustration. This woman’s daughter shared that when she brings her small children to visit her mother, her mother weeps with what this daughter can only hope is joy. Her eyes are all she has left to communicate and be in relationship with her family.

I have been consumed with thoughts of this woman and her family ever since…

It is so easy each day to take for granted what we have and only focus on what we want, relationships, things, jobs, homes, cars so many things that sometimes are just not all we want them to be. This story hit me in my “not enough” gut.

Nothing, not one THING, replaces our relationships. The people we are or are becoming are in part due to each relationship that touches our lives. The joys, hurts and random seemingly inconsequential interactions of our lives form who we become. How lucky we are that today we can tell someone we love them or hold a hand or kiss or hug, even share a kind word or smile and be in relationship with others…it truly is all we need.

The Power of Positive

Seeing the world on the bright side is not always easy. Things happen and we tend to feel like the bug on the bottom of a shoe, lots of pressure and everything displaced. I have always thought of myself as a pretty positive person. I take my hits like everybody else, but I don’t let the hits define me. I won’t lie though every so often negative thoughts and attitudes creep in and I have to fight them off.

Last week was like that. I was not feeling well and pretty much was the bug on the bottom of the shoe and all I wanted was to scrape myself off the bottom and pull myself back together. I was moping around, grouchy and miserable and I was using my family for target practice. It felt like there was no way out of this miserable place. I decided to use some of the advice that I share with my kids and fix what I could to make the situation better.

I started by reaching out to friends and finding out how they were doing, and although I was lacking in energy I tried to get out of the house in little spurts…even if it was just to take my dogs for a short walk. Sometimes you just have to kick yourself in the pants. The negative thoughts have dissipated and I have detached myself from the bottom of that awful shoe. I will be back to my old self in no time, I just need to stay positive and focus on the bright side.

Making a Memory

What started at the beginning of the school year as a happy accident has turned into a daily practice between my daughter and me. My daughter drives herself to school and one morning not long after she had left for school I heard several sirens going off and became alarmed that something had happened to my daughter. I decided that day that a text after she arrived each day would put my mind at ease and my daughter agreed.

The first few mornings she would text “I’m here” and I would text back “Ok”. One morning my daughter texted “At the educational facility”, so trying to be funny and quirky back, I wrote “Try to persevere through the day”. That night when she arrived home, she went on and on about how inspiring that was and how her friends thought it was so cool. I told her that there was nothing inspiring about “persevere”, it is just a fancy word for, “try to make it”. None the less she liked it, so I thought to myself, what if I really did try to inspire her… so an idea was born.

Each day when she lets me know she is has arrived at school I respond back with various quotes such as, “Remember you have to believe it to achieve it!” or a quote from Yoda of Star Wars fame “Always pass on what you learn”. Other pearls of wisdom include “Don’t judge each day by the harvest you reap, but by the seeds that you sow” by Robert Louis Stevenson. There is also this quote that apparently shocked my daughter “Some people walk into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts. Others walk into our lives and we want to leave footprints on their face”. Basically each day is a new quote, some inspiring and some just silly, but my daughter likes it and it keeps us connected, which is a plus.

I am just happy that what started as something so simple and meaningless turned into something that is meaningful for my daughter and me. That is how life works though isn’t it? We will work so hard trying to make a memory and it basically goes undetected, but one random moment when you least expect it you make a memory that will last a lifetime. I will leave you with today’s quote, because somehow I think it works…

“Beliefs have the power to create and the power to destroy. Human beings have the awesome ability to take any experience of their lives and create a meaning that disempowers them or one that can literally save their lives”  -Tony Robbins

Rest and Recovery

I am battling with my body once again. I returned to my doctor on Monday afternoon because my ears were not feeling better, I was tired and my chest was becoming congested. I had taken all of my prescription and I was still not mending. My doctor was shocked that I was battling an even more intense ear infection then before. What the heck?!  The only denominator that I could come up with that was lacking in my recovery routine was rest.

I have never been good about just stopping and healing, unless I was so sick I had no other choice. I tend to keep going full steam ahead taking my medicine, slowing a little, but not enough to have the laundry pile up or my life to show signs of me not being on my game. I just like to keep up with my life and not show any kinks in my armor. It is a Mom thing.

As most Mom’s know the motto goes “Family first, Mom last”. This motto is much like “The captain goes down with the ship”. Moms are super heroes who put themselves last focusing on the lists of things that must be accomplished in order for the family to carry on. This notion of “keeping calm and carrying on” is nothing new, but it is time for me to set it aside. I have to force myself to rest and I feel I should wave the banner high for other mom’s to do the same.

Being sick is tough enough without having it hang on like a Monkey Grinders monkey. Is it really that big a deal if we eat grill cheese for dinner or the laundry takes three days instead of one? Maybe by slowing the pace, taking time to read or (like in my case) playing thousands of games of euchre on your Ipad, you can allow your body to work on healing rather than just keeping you going. Honestly, being sick is when I realize how much I contribute when I am healthy.

If there is any hope for a full recovery, I am going to have to keep my eye on the prize. I want to be healthy and rest is the only answer at this point. I like my doctor, but I really do not want to see him every other week. I actually told my doctor’s nurse that she and I should exchange numbers so that we can chat, since we have become so close throughout my many visits. Resting is an important part of recovery and today I am giving myself some more time to do just that. How about you?

The Slide

I started sliding yesterday and I cannot seem to pull myself back up. Yesterday I was feeling like I was letting someone down. I was feeling cornered into helping them in ways that I am not comfortable and when I could not follow through, I felt badly. I do not like to let people down, but it happens. I was pushed to a limit I had set for myself and my limit was not respected, yet I still tried to comply. When I expressed my frustration to my family they stood there with their mouths open saying things like, “Why are you doing that?”  “You have done enough, now stop” and much more, but I still felt the guilt pulling at me, telling me I had not tried hard enough and telling me I was not good enough.

This morning I had my feelings hurt because I was told my writing would be used for something and I discovered it was not. I don’t expect everyone to use my writing when they say they will, but somehow since I was on the slide heading down to the pit of low self worth, this little thing hurt. I wish I had known and not found out the hard way (opening to the page and seeing someone else’s writing there.) but that is just how it goes sometimes. Honestly, the writer was wonderful and I enjoyed what they wrote, but it only made me doubt myself more and down I slid again.

Once you get going on the self doubting, guilty, hurt, slide you are destined to continue sliding. Further and further you fall until looking up all you see is the negative and there is no positive to be found. The longer you linger here the more you begin to believe everything your mind is telling you. All the mean things you tell yourself trump the truth and you sit awkwardly at the bottom of the slide wondering how you will ever climb back up and get back to whom and what you once were.

 I know now that I gave away too much trying to keep someone else happy while I let myself down. I know my limits and I extended them when I should not have. I also know that things do not always happen as we expect them to and the best course is to just pick up and move on. My mind is jockeying back and forth between the truth and the lies and I have to keep grasping at the truth to pull myself back up. I guess when you think about it I am pretty lucky that my family was there reminding me to respect myself and my own limits. They also reminded me that it is okay to say no, even when it makes things harder for someone else. Today, I begin the climb back, one step at a time and you know what? I am not going to climb up the slide…I am going to walk around to the ladder and make the journey back up a little easier.

Change

My writing was once an early morning pastime that easily integrated into my day. I would do my morning workout or spend time getting my family out the door and then the next hour or so were mine to write and read or whatever else I needed to accomplish just for me. Suddenly my working out is later, my husband is working from home and I am busy with commitments that I have made and I find myself frantically swimming upstream just to write.

As my day begins I am full of intent to write and then watch (as if in slow motion) as my day siphons away and the whole time I am moving my writing schedule in my head, making it later and later into the day until my writing is swallowed up and disappears. This is very frustrating! My intent is always to write, but life comes knocking and the best laid plans become just a “thing I gotta do” and instead of the release of thoughts that you have come to expect when you come to my blog, you either get nothing or you get subpar folly.

I will not give up hope that someday I can write early and jump into my day from there, but right now, we are all going to just have to live with what we have and make the best of a difficult but not horrible situation. It is my opinion that the more we focus on “shoulda, coulda, woulda” the less we move forward. Change sometimes seems too much to bear, but there is something about adapting and changing with a situation that brings us a little more forward in our lives and many times we realize we are better for that change.

I would like to believe that when my life comes to the end that I will have changed and transformed myself into the person I was meant to be. If that means I have to adjust my schedule and do things out of my norm than that is what I will do. The best part is that I get to drag you along with me. What if in the end you are changed too? I encourage you to take some time to look at the next change you are faced with as an opportunity to be a better version of who you are now. I will, if you will!

Happy Past Scary Future?

Today is Halloween and cookie day. Cookie day is a tradition that the high school choir director started for the day after a choir concert. The kid’s work hard getting ready for the concert and on cookie day (the day after the concert) they all bring in cookies, talk about the concert and get ramped up on sugar. From time to time I have made cookies to send into the class. Since the fall choir concert was last night and today is Halloween, I decided to spend my afternoon yesterday making cookies. Here is where my mind went…this is my daughters last year of high school… “These moments will not happen again, I should make Halloween cookies for her to take to school and make her smile.” Makes sense right?

As I sat in the concert last night, I could not help but think about how each moment this year has a double meaning. While Avery is faced with many first and last moments this year, so am I. I am not only celebrating her growing up and moving on with her life I will be letting go of day to day mothering and learning to be who I am meant to be now. As mothers we throw everything into our children, we run at mothering full steam ahead. When we are young mothers, we have much to prove. We spend every moment, sewing costumes for Halloween, planning fun things for our families to do, household tasks, jobs, laundry, cooking and much more. We multi task so much that when it comes time to release some of these tasks it is traumatic, it feels like an ending.

The truth is it is really a beginning, the beginning of being ourselves, for ourselves. Who says I can’t make cookies next Halloween if I want to? Honestly, I have decided to stop looking at the endings and peek around the corner at the beginnings. I want to embrace what is ahead rather than clinging to what is behind. Reaching back only makes the future harder.

So today I am wearing a fun Halloween shirt and I am going to make a yummy pot of chili to share with my husband. Avery is going to a girlfriend’s house for the evening to trick or treat (I KNOW she is to old…you try telling her). Mark and I will have a taste of what our future Halloween’s might be like. We will also eat some of the Halloween cookies (It is our cookie day too) that I did not send to school and probably a couple of Halloween treats from our candy we have to give away to the trick or treaters.

There will be moments when I glance back at the past and remember some special moments for a second or two but I will not linger there, because when I look ahead I see an amazing future and it has my name on it!

Happy Halloween!

The Memory making begins!

You can't tell but I have wax paper over the newspaper,
I did not want you to think I was gross!

The word wicked is all in glitter
and I am spreading it ALL
over my house!