My husband and I have been married 27 years in September. I have lived with him longer then I have ever lived with anyone. Let that soak in...( I say this for me, not necessarily for you, gentle reader). Relationships are hard enough without taking a vow to “Love and Honor as long as you both shall live”. Honestly our vows were nothing like that. We helped define what our vows would be and we were both very happy with them. It’s the fact that now you have this one person that knows you and all your quirks and you know theirs. You work hard to keep each other happy and healthy and even sane.
Over time my relationship with my husband has changed. Not in a bad way, but it has changed. This person that knows me better then anyone has changed too. We are stronger people. We love each other more and at times...kinda hate each other too. No one can annoy you more then someone who knows you well, but decides to say and do the opposite of what your emotional ground rules allow.
I realized this morning that I have reached a point where all the subtle things I say are no longer subtle. I’m actually quite snarky and out right unkind. As I went for my morning walk (my walk is a brain detox and calorie burn event) I replayed my last few words with my hubby before he left for work and I realized what a total bitch I was. I’m not even going to pretend I was right. I was just plain mean! My question to myself was WHY?
You know how when you ask someone something over and over and they don’t do it and you finally yell at them at the top of your lungs? You know at the time you are out of line, but you can’t help it because your so darn angry and the angry doesn’t want to be stuffed inside anymore and it shoots out of you like a bullet. Well, I think this morning was my warning shot with a rubber bullet. It still hurts, but you didn’t kill anyone. Beware HUSBAND! I have all of these feelings stored in my head and heart and they are erupting. It’s not anything like I want to leave my husband, its more about needing some changes and my gentle nudging and verbal elbow jabs seem to go NO where.
We are complicated people. In some ways we are a lot alike and in many ways we are extremely different. Our childhoods are polar opposites. I’m the weird kid with no Dad and an emotionally unavailable Mother. He is the little boy that had 4 other siblings and even though they were not a wealthy family lived the American dream. His Mom actually saved little bits of money (from his Dad’s teachers salary, a great story for another day.) so they could go to Disney world every other year. They would stay in the campground in their camper. I mean come on, in my mind thats amazing!
It doesn’t really matter after 27 years, but somehow the quirky bits of who we are melding into are tangled up. I have a husband that loves me with all his heart, works hard everyday and tries so hard to do things that he knows I will love, but he struggles so much with how to communicate with me. Is it possible to figure that out? I know I hurt him today. I saw his eyes change just for a quick second when I shot my emotional rubber bullet at him. That’s how I sent the love of my life off for the day. Wounded and confused. When we know better we do better. I know I made a mistake. I feel sadness just knowing I hurt this person that means so much.
Relating to someone is not as easy as it seems. There has to be a two way street and you both have to walk it. When one person is in need the other must respond. Relationships require relations its the biggest and most important part of the word! The hard part is getting the other uncooperative related relater to relate on the same level as you. UGH!
I know that an apology is due. I also know that a conversation is due as well. These things will require two people digging deep and listening. Listening is a big part of keeping a relationship happy, healthy and sane.
