Thursday, January 31, 2013

Whisper or a Shout…Sharing Faith

I am not a bible thumper, while my faith is strong and my belief endless, I have never been one to talk boldly or very openly about my faith. I have always believed that if I live each day with faith and intention for good that I will be walking the walk and not just talking the talk. I have always felt it best to focus on me and my faith and not look around at people to cast a net over. I do share my faith, but in my own way.

There are times when you step into a new church and feel like you are the catch of the day, or you meet someone that is so filled with excitement about their faith that they bowl you over with their enthusiasm making you wonder if you are faithful enough. I am not that girl. I prefer to be who I am and share my faith quietly and with intention. Quietly being the key word.

I am not ashamed of being faithful I just like the fact that by being the person I am, others can just know that faith works without my pushing hard to prove it. I want people to come to faith in their own time. I feel it is more comfortable for all of us that way. I have no problem inviting friends to my church or to a church event, I love my church and I am happy to share it, but I am not going to bug friends about coming if they do not want to and I am not going to stand in judgment if they are not interested.

I have been fortunate enough to belief in God my whole life, but I really grew into my faith as I got older. Perhaps my less then boisterous pronouncement of faith is because I have been intimidated one too many times in situations where I felt like faith was being pushed on me and I questioned why another would have to push so hard to prove that they have faith and that I needed it.

I think God has a plan and purpose for each of us. Our work here on earth may not require us doing his work out loud. Some of us may be his arms and legs and not necessarily his mouth piece. That can be hard to accept when you are very passionate about what you believe. Just remember when you have something important to share that people back away from a shout and they will lean towards a whisper.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Faith in Possibility

I am a positive person I have always looked past the hard times in my life. I spend more time turning things over and trying to make sure I am thinking clearly then what is probably necessary. I am a good friend. God has blessed my life by always placing the right person beside me at the time I need them. Some of the people have been good people and others were great life lessons. I do not look back with regrets. There is always a reason for the place I am standing in my life and I know that if I walk through it and grab the lesson I will get past it. If I linger and lament I will be buried in sadness and frustration.

That being said, I am also a pragmatic person I have always been the type to just say what I need to say. Sometimes that personality trait is a good thing and other times…well, others do not appreciate it. In my younger years I was told I was "a lot like" my Grandmother. This was often said in a way that made me think it was not a positive attribute, but I am still grateful to be the person I am.

When you look back over your life and sift through who you were and who you are now you will always see changes. I like to think that the beauty within shines a little brighter with age and the hard times are a little lighter weight. I also think that in my younger years it was easier to find my optimism. I did not have to look as far to locate the upside of a situation. Perhaps that is from walking life's path and knowing that with every foot fall there is a chance at an obstacle. The other side of this is that as the years have gone by I have learned that whatever path I walk, I am not alone. All I need to do is bow my head and open my heart.

"Everything is possible for the person who has faith." Mark 9:23

Remaining positive and looking ahead, being the friend to others that I would want my friend to be and loving all opportunity good and bad are all part of my faith in possibility. My mistakes are easier to bear when I remember that they are part of the recipe that make-up who I am. This is a lesson I continue to grab but seldom grasp, it is hard to accept that any failing would help but I know I have always learned more from my mistakes than anything else in my life. Perhaps the mistake is actually where possibility and faith collide? Hmmmm, that's something to think about.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Positive or Negative?


As my three girls get older I am less and less required in their day to day lives. Each one is self sufficient and capable and each one is creating or has created a life independent of me. While each daughter is striving to create her own identity I have been faced with the fact that for each of them right now they are the most important person in the world. I have also come to realize that they are striving to know themselves and that they believe they know me.
Here is the rub…me as a person, and who I am as a Mom are two different people. I realize that my children think they know me but reality is that they just don't. The other reality is I probably really don't know the people they are once they go out in the world. It is easy to stay focused on the child within them and think that this is who they will always be, but the truth is life is going to grab a hold of them and shake them around by the scruff of the neck. My neck is still sore from some of the shaking life has put me through. How do I prepare these children of mine for this shaking?
The other night I was commenting about something going on in my life and my oldest daughter replied something back to which I made another comment explaining my feelings about a somewhat inane topic, my daughter then said "I was just trying to be positive, that's how I am". All I really heard her say was "geez Mom you are such a downer!" The odd thing is that I did not think I was not being positive, I was merely expressing the simple fact that I was disappointed we had purchased a smaller size water heater, but it had to be done, we needed a new water heater and to go back to the size we had would mean we would have to order it and then wait even longer for the darn thing to arrive. Honestly, boiling water and bathing from a bowl is no fun and so the smaller water heater made the most sense considering the circumstances. This one comment made me start to reflect on who I am to me, and who I am to my children.
The fact is I am also a positive person, but I find no fault in thinking "Gee that's a bummer, I hope we like having a smaller water heater then we had before." How do I explain to my daughter that there is a difference between being positive and being realistic? You can still be upbeat and positive and realize that something isn't quite the way you had hoped it would be. This is the second time in the last couple of weeks that one of my children has questioned my positivity which has me wondering…do my children know me at all or is there something to what they are saying?
I am not going to stop looking at things from every angle and if reality is that there is a fact to face, I think it best to face the fact. Being positive does not mean you walk around acting like Scarlet O'Hara saying "I'll think about that tomorrow" being positive means excepting where you are and looking at how to maintain it or get past it.
I hope that someday my children get to know the real me. I hope that they learn that who I have to be to them as their mom is not who I am to the rest of the world. I have to say being positive, that they will get to know the real me and that they will understand all I have done for them throughout their lives. However being realistic, I know that children (speaking from my own experience) only have realizations after they have children of their own, and sometimes (again my own experience) after the parent is gone. For the record, that's not being negative that's facing facts, which is also a good quality to have.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Writers Wrestle

Each day when I sit down with my little notebook computer and settle in to write, I am faced with a challenge. Some days the challenge is of no consequence and other days I am stymied. The mornings when I am already turning an idea over and over in my head are sweet, not having to wonder what might pour from my finger tips into my blog is always plus.

There are times when I write about my life and an interaction that I have had with a friend or family member. These musings of what has happened with someone I care about are on the one hand exciting to share since many times my life parallels someone else's and my view point helps a reader decide best how they might live through the same instance and other times the writing can be difficult.

When I begin to write about someone I care about and my interaction with them, I am more interested in sharing my reaction to the event. The writers wrestle comes in how to share the story without letting on too much detail and hurting the person I chose to write about. At one point I was struggling with the antics of my Dad a few years ago and my writing was a cleansing process. While I was hurt I still tried to turn the events over and over to be able to see what was happening more clearly. Partly because I try to believe most people are not inherently evil and partly because when you are knee deep in painful events you tend to lose perspective. Writing out many of the things that happen helps me regain perspective.

I have written about issues that have come up in the past and although my attempt was to share a story and be humorous and thought provoking, I have upset or at least annoyed one of my stories characters. When this happens I am forced to step back and reevaluate what I wrote and how I could have better presented the story without hurting another. Many times I have to look at the reality that while I might not think I have said anything hurtful, my friend or family member is entitled to their feelings. My job then is to hear the person out and make amends as best I can.

This morning as I sat down to write I had already decided to share my writers wrestle with you. It is the writing that pours out easily that I enjoy the most because it carries my genuine feelings and comes without pause. If in some way I have ever shared about you in frustration or in love please know that it is because deep down my heart wants nothing more than to understand the event or feelings between us and that I am always trying to evolve past where I am in my life. The best way to evolve (for me) is to look closely at what has happened and gain perspective for everyone's sake. I do not want to remain stuck in old hurts and unanswered questions, so know that if I have chosen to share our story here, our relationship holds great value to me and I am hoping that we will grow together. Our friendship or relationship pours from my finger tips and hopefully touches the life of another for the better.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Unrushed Peace


This morning, as I watch snow gently float from the sky, I have a sense of calm. There is no appointment or agenda to rush my morning and my mind is settled into the calm like you snuggle into a cozy arm chair with a blanket. I am enjoying this unrushed peace.

There is something about a quiet day that helps center you. You can feel your breath moving in and out of your body. In the comfortable calm you can sort through the mayhem of your life and make some sense of the senseless. Most of all you are calm and comfortable and focused on remaining that way for as long as you can.

Meditation and reflection are an important part of feeding our souls. Things like sitting quietly, praying, writing and listening to music help nourish our inner being. Sleeping helps our bodies grow and heal and meditation and calm help our souls to grow and heal. Our souls are our core and with a solid core we can sustain through the hardest days and weeks.

I hope that today you are able to reflect for a time, focusing on your breath, the quiet gently falling snow and your inner peace. Regenerating your tired and weakened spirit and recharging yourself for the new challenges that you will face as we all do each day. Tuck your mind into a comfortable place and wrap yourself in the warmth of self love and caring and for a time enjoy some unrushed peace.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Cold!

Recently our area has been experiencing below zero temperatures. This beyond cold, freezing weather has made me uninterested in going outside for any reason. While I do not want to go out, my life does not allow for weather dispensations, so I find myself running to the store, meetings at the school and various other activities that require me to shower and dress. I realize that life cannot stop because I am cold, but I still long for a pajama day where I could snuggle under blankets and stay warm.

I know that if allowed I could become a recluse and wear sweatpants and sweatshirts with no make-up. I am certain that I would be very happy spending my days sitting in a comfy chair surrounded by my animals like some crazed Mother Nature type. There would be a roaring fire and a lap blanket to keep my toes extra warm. There would be no expectations of me because everyone would know I was recluse and they would not bother me. The key here is" if allowed" because honestly I am the one that does not allow myself to become that person.

I am a warm weather kind of gal and this Arctic burst we are experiencing has me coming a little unhinged if you have not been able to tell. My hope is that we get past this bone snapping chill soon. However, I would not mind a little snow so that I can possibly sled with my youngest daughter (if she will let me) or hear the quiet a blanket of snow brings in the early morning. Most of all I just want it to be the kind of winter I want and not the one we have right now…what? Too much to ask?

Today, I must go out. I have commitments to keep and errands to run and the cold is not going away so I will just have to suck it up. Most of all I will spend today looking forward to tonight when I can put on my PJ's and for just a little while pretend I am having a snow day. There will be a cup of hot tea, a good book, some loving animals gathered around and for a little while I will be a cold weather recluse.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The Specialist Decision

Last week I wrote about my avoiding taking my cat Emeril to the doctor. I was avoiding the trip because I was concerned about what might be wrong with him. Crazy as it sounds, I had thought if I avoided going I would not be faced with bad news, I made the appointment anyway and set about the task of gathering up Emeril and heading to our veterinarian appointment.

First let me say that making a cat go anywhere they do not choose to go on their own is a heroic task all on its own. I had decided that I would take Emeril in the little crate that we had at home for just such occasions. I found a soft towel and placed it gently inside and called lovingly to my sweet kitty. He came to me when I made the familiar clicking noise by shoving my tongue to the side of my mouth and clacking it against my teeth that normally means "I am going to feed you" or "I am going to pet you".

Once I had him in my loving arms I snuggled him and said reassuring words. "It is ok Buddy; I am going to take you to see the doctor so he can make you better". I then bent down and gently tried putting him inside the little crate. All of a sudden his back legs popped open like a switch blade and his claws came out. His head was inside the crate his back end was out and I was shoving while he flailed around. Suddenly I had a brainstorm and picked up the crate so the cat butt was in the air, moving the crate up and down like you would when you put a pillowcase on a pillow. Fortunately, I was home alone or there might a video of or a witness to this animal abuse. After several minutes of trying to force Emeril into the crate, I gave up. I was starting to get hot and sweaty and Emeril had released most of his fur and it was covering me and flying inside my nostrils every time I breathed in. So much for my cute taking my cat to the vet look!

At this point I had given up on the reassuring words for the cat and was talking to myself, "its okay, he does not understand you are trying to do a good thing, you are not a bad person!" Now what the heck was a going to do? I could not let this cat with switchblades for legs just roam around my car while I was driving…could I? I finally decided to use one of the smaller dog leashes we have and just loop it around Emeril's neck, at least then I could keep him from running off at the doctor's office. At that point I put Emeril and what little fur he had left into my car. I lovingly placed a towel on the seat hoping he would just curl up and rest while I drove him to get the care he so deserved…however resting was not on his agenda.

As we began our drive he started howling and attempting to leap from the backseat into the front seat with me. I had to be on my game, raising my hand up like a ninja every time I sensed he was about to pounce. After several attempts he started to figure out I was not letting his fur flinging fanny up front and he quieted down, actually he got too quiet, so I took a quick peek behind me only to discover that he had decided that the loving towel I had provided, made a great litter box. Emeril proceeded to deposit a giant lump of brown foul smelling poop right on my car seat just short of the towel. There I was at least fifteen minutes from the vet and trapped in this kitty cat outhouse and no way out!

Once we arrived at the vet I was starting to rethink this whole idea of even getting this fur ball some help. I gathered up his nasty deposit in some tissues and since I was running late for my appointment left the poop sitting on the floor of my car, thinking how pleasant that was going to be to come back to. In we went, me and my cat on a string, signed in and waited to be beckoned back to see the doctor. Moments later we were called back and the visit began. There was some poking, some studying and some concern. Emeril's eye looked bad and the doctor asked if I would want to take him to a specialist, "A specialist, a cat eye specialist?" I said hoping he was kidding. "We can try a few things, but if the eye is not better in ten days I will give you the name of the specialist" he replied.

All I kept thinking was "NO WAY!" I am not making a trip to a specialist. I then asked the doctor if his eye was hurting him, he did not seem in pain to me and I was not excited about two more car rides with a hostile passenger that leaves gifts. The doctor never answered that question, but gave me three different types of pills and some eye drops to be administered twice a day for the next ten days. If you have ever given medicine to a cat, you know that cats are generally not receptive to you shoving things down their throats, Emeril is no different.

When the appointment was over I threw the cat in the car (I no longer felt like coddling the stink bomb), found a dumpster to put his foul gift into and headed home, once again practicing my ninja moves (to keep Emeril in the backseat), but this time adding intermittent raising and lower of the window to cleanse the stinky air. Now I have a decision to make, do I take this cat to a specialist? He is not in pain and I think he seems better. His eye is cloudy, but he has stopped vomiting every day. Is it ok to except the good with the bad and not take the cat to an eye specialist? I mean I did take him to the vet for the vomiting; the eye was a secondary issue as far as I was concerned the eye did not seem to bother Emeril. Meanwhile twice a day I am shoving pills down his throat and putting drops in his eye all while he is kicking me with his switchblade legs and chomping on my fingers with his razor blade teeth. I am doing my best to keep him comfortable and get him well. Is that enough?

Where do you draw the line in caring for a pet? His life seems happy he is curled comfortably near the fireplace, he has stopped vomiting and we feed him and clean his litter box. Plus I did not toss him out of my car when he left me his "gift'. He has a darn good cat life if you ask me, yet I am having the inner battle with guilt over whether or not a good owner would take their pet to a specialist. Seriously, a specialist? I will not lie to you I doubt I will take him to a specialist. It would be different if he was going to lose his job or have to give up curling up on the back of the couch, but he really does not seem to be concerned or bothered by his eye except when I come at him with the eye drops.

So there a tough decision is made and all is well Emeril was not tossed by the side of the road, I have learned great cat wrangling skills and I also have some wicked ninja like moves if I ever need them again. I have also learned that putting things off only prolongs a decision or task that ultimately has to be taken care of. The best part is that I did not need a specialist to help me with that decision.


 

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Smile


In 1968 my Mom married her second husband, Joe. This relationship tore apart my mother and her parents. My Grandmother was highly opposed to my mom even seeing Joe let alone marrying him but my mom was a typical woman that was charmed by Joe's charisma and cash and felt that she knew best, so she married Joe. This meant we left my Grandparent's home where we were living at the time and started a new life moving in with Joe.

Joe was not a family man. I would have to say that the fact that he beat me with a belt and my punishment for almost any misbehavior at all was banishment to my room for hours on end was just the tip of the iceberg. He ran around with other women, slept with a gun under his pillow and beat my mom, a real stand up guy (insert look of sarcasm). I wish this was all a lie, but it is not.


In one of the final boxes I received a few months back of my mom's belongings, I came across the picture above. This picture was taken the day my mom married Joe. I was my mom's flower girl and I was so excited to dress up in a new "fancy" dress with pretty white shoes and stylish hair. I remember that the picture was taken at Joe's mother's home and that Grandma did not come to the wedding. Only Grandaddy came that day to walk mom down the aisle and I do not recall there being very many other people there.

I keep looking at this picture that was stuffed in the bottom of the box. What a beautiful open happy smile. I wish I could smile like that now. For years I have complained to my family that I do not like my smile in pictures. My smile these days looks half hearted and angled and not as happy. This little girl looks so happy with a toothy wide grin and she is putting her whole heart into it. I cannot help to wonder every time I look at the picture where that smile went.

I know this is a strange thing to ponder, but it makes me sad to think that life can change even the nuance of a person's smile. That an open hearted toothy girl, with a smile so big, can grow up to reserve her smile and heart. Between my mom's marriage to the second husband and now, there has been a lot of life, some days it feels like too much life. While my life now makes me happier then I have ever been, I still struggle to find what makes me happiest and I never see this little girls smile anymore.

I continue to look at this picture and wonder what could have been different. How could I have kept that smile? Can a person go through life with the same youthful enthusiasm they had when they were 8 years old, or does life change us all over time? My family finds me now randomly holding this photo out in front of me asking, where did that smile go and how do I get it back? A lot has happened since 1968 and while I cannot change the past and the sadness of a broken family, I am determined to find that little girls smile and bring it back to life.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Sense of Calm

Having time away this past weekend was amazing. Mark and I had dropped our youngest off to spend the weekend with her college sister and then we spent the weekend touring the city near her college town. It was freeing and relaxing and centering all in one fell swoop. The time away was a chance to remind ourselves why we liked each other in the first place and reconnect.

Now here is the rub…this morning I am once again tight as a top, ready to spring any minute. Being away was a wonderful way to reconnect, but as soon as I arrived home, I could feel myself folding back up and my personal protection gear gathering around. The fun devil may care girl has disappeared and the agenda Mom is back. I hate it!

I would like to be that fun devil may care girl all of the time. I would like to be an easy going without a care in the world person in real life too, but I am not. Reality is that I am the person the keeps things going around here. I watch schedules, eating habits and health issues. I clean the house, the clothes, many times the cars and the yard and without fail I am the one that is called when there is a need of any kind. That's what Mom's and Wives do.

The expectation that I would walk in from our weekend away and remain careless and free spirited is ridiculous, yet this morning I am missing that sense of calm. The inner peace of freedom and careless joy of having no boundaries changes me. I become a happy person that teases my husband and laughs easily. My heart is light until I step into my homes doorway and realize I am out of coffee and I have nothing for dinner tonight. Suddenly the needs of others and the management of the lives entrusted to me are once again a priority.

I am listening to the washing machine running, I have fed the dogs and I have given several quick directives to my husband who has the misfortune of having the day off and being stuck with a woman who has lost her sense of fun and calm and is fighting the inner stress brought on by knowing that while my family is off today, I am still on duty. That explains the sore knot I feel in my neck and the scowl I am wearing as I write today.

My goal today is to work on finding a way to straddle both worlds. I want to find my sense of calm and inner fun lover while remaining task oriented and driven. These two personalities being polar opposites I am thinking I will have a battle on my hands. It does appear however that our pets have come to my aid and as I write this final paragraph I have one cat sitting on my shoulder and one in my lap, a dog at my elbow and another at my feet. The animal kingdom is here to save the day. Now if I can rally the people of my home for a little more reconnection and fun maybe I can reclaim a small slice of the girl that is trying to make a break for it. Maybe just maybe she does not have to hide away at all perhaps the two of us can become one centered, relaxed and goal and task oriented wife and mother with a sense of calm…you can stop laughing now!

Friday, January 18, 2013

Forever Friends


I like having friends. This may sound trite and unnecessary since most people like having friends but I felt it needed to be said none the less. I have the good fortune of knowing some amazing people who have decided that having me around is tolerable. They have allowed me to step into their lives and somewhat annoy them and they have kept me around anyway.


Realizing that people actually like you in spite of yourself is quite a revelation. This morning at 6AM I walked with one friend in the dark and 17 degrees, I was able to talk and share and listen with someone that I enjoy spending time with and considering the circumstances she must like being with me too. Why else would anyone climb out of their cozy bed and step into the dark cold morning but for a friend.

Being a friend means a great deal to me. I have only recently started to realize my good fortune in choosing friends. I have one friend that has been in my life for some 26 years and although there was a period that because of life we did not see each other, when we met up again it was as if no time had come between us. I suppose I should also give some credit to the friends for the choosing, since although I chose them, they could have just as easily not chosen me. Anyway, having the opportunity to be a friend to my friends is truly a gift.

Life is fuller because of the people that have gathered around to walk along side me in my life. I have learned from my friends, traveled with my friends, eaten, laughed, cried and disagreed with my friends but we are and always will be friends. So no matter how simple and trite it sounds I like having friends because it gives me the chance to be a friend.


Thursday, January 17, 2013

Pushing Past the Winter Zone

Last week was tough; my whole family was in the winter zone. The winter zone is the tired, sloggy, no energy place we all go when the cold and dark take over. It is almost like hibernation, except that humans cannot hibernate or at least most humans cannot. In our home we were all retreating to staring at the TV or or in my youngest daughters case "studying" in her room for hours alone with her phone.

A couple of days ago I had had enough. I decided to avoid the TV and try to draw my family back together. I know it is early, but I think my plan might be working. I started by building a fire in our fireplace. For me a fire is calming. I like watching the flames and feeling the warmth and the best part is that my daughter likes it too. Just the idea of a fire in the fireplace brought her downstairs and out of her room.

Next I suggested we play a game on the Wii. We have had the Wii game for several years and probably for the last year or so we have basically ignored it. My thought was that even though I am terrible at the games it would get us back to communicating and help us move out of the winter zone. Next thing I knew my daughter was bringing her homework down by the fire and requesting that we have dinner there.

The icing on the cake was when my daughter came home yesterday and said "Can we have another fire?" and so we did. More homework was done by the fire and all of us sat together again, spending time as a family instead of going in different directions. The secondary advantage has been that everyone seems a little happier, less sloggy and less tired.

Perhaps this crazy plan to draw us back together is working? It cost us nothing and we gained time together, a warm place to visit and a better attitude. It is so easy to become stuck in a routine. Your watching everything playing out as it always does, you know it is not working for you, yet it is familiar, so you just stick with it. All I really wanted was to feel like I had control over this pushed down feeling of winter and in the process of changing things up we have gained some communication and some laughs too.

I guarantee you that we will have another fire tonight. It is exams week and studying is happening every night. With the fire going it gives all of us a chance to be together and still read, study or talk. We are not heading off into separate parts of the house alone. We are fighting back and not letting this winter take us down.

Taking on the winter zone has helped bring us all back to life. We seem more rested in the morning and we are accomplishing more in the evenings. We are not allowing the cold and dark nights to get the better of us anymore! I challenge you to step out of your winter zone too. Join us in fighting back Old Man Winter. Since we cannot hibernate, we might as well make the best of it.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Learning to Say No

I have spent most of my life agreeing to things I probably should not have. It's an illness. I am a pleaser, I want others to like me and I also do not want anyone to be hurt or upset with me. So instead I throw myself under the bus and feel the burn of frustration when I am in over my head.

In over my head for a long time was my comfort zone, and I had myself convinced that everyone needed me. I would agree to whatever the event was and then kick myself after because I felt so overwhelmed by the whole thing. Most often my family would feel the sting of my discontent, I mean why would a good friend (like me) take it out on the person that had asked me to help with ______________ (fill in the blank).

Age has made me wiser, I am slowly learning that being busy all the time and going constantly "helping" is not working for me. Is it possible to say no when you like someone or love them? Honestly it is tough to retrain people to see that you are not who you once were. The other issue is that you have to retrain yourself to think before you raise your hand to help. Someone like me who wants to please and not hurt anyone tends to agree before thinking it through completely.

The worst part is that I am seeing signs of the inner struggle and turmoil of "THE YES" in my youngest daughter who gives rides that are out of her way when she does not really want to. That's how it starts, small things. Her response when I asked why she gave the ride when she did not want to? "I did not want to her her feelings". Oh boy! That's when I knew that I had passed the issue on.

No is not an easy word to say but it is worth saying for everyone involved. No one wants help from anyone that really does not want to be there. Most of all, no releases you from being in over your head and unhappy. Honestly, lately I have been focusing more on the happy part. I like that way more then the unhappy frustration of doing something I really do not want to. Most importantly of all you will know now when I agree to help or join family and friends for an event that I really want to be there. This will please everyone including me.

Sent from my iPad

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Waking Up in a New Place


The other day I realized that I have been waking up in a new mental place. After years of sadness, grief and anger over losing my Mom and all of the things that transpired when my Dad remarried twelve seconds later (exaggeration) and then died leaving his half of the family trust to his new wife, I have let the wintery mix of emotions go.

It was not a conscious release, which is probably best. I think the fact that the thoughts and feelings slowly dissipated is more healing then if I had suddenly thrown off the feeling like I would do with a blanket when I am too hot. Slowly over time, the feeling rose up and slowly and quietly left me in peace.

Having all the grief leave me, does not mean I am back to my old self, but it does mean that I can laugh a little more easily and seek a little more joy without feeling the ache of loss and the burn of sadness. It amazes me how people learn to adjust to what seems at the time an un-adjustable situation. In the middle of what feels like the worst place to be our hearts slowly start to turn.

I have longed for the feeling of optimism that once was a huge part of who I was, but as I have woken from the wintery emotional mix I have discovered that while I am still an optimistic person I am more cautious and less likely to except the feeling of discontent. I want nothing more than to pop the person with the bad attitude or malcontent in the nose or even better to tell them to snap out of it! I have no patience for anyone that makes everything in life hard work. Life is hard enough let’s just grab a shot at some joy when we have the chance.

While the ridiculous estate battle is still waging, we have turned a corner and hopefully we can move past it soon. However it is no longer pressing down on me as it once was. There will be no winners in this. There never really is when you are dealing with money and all of the emotion it brings up. This event is now just a moment in time…a blip on the screen. I have family and friends to spend time with and enjoy and no matter how overwhelming one day feels the next day I still wake up in a new place, a GREAT place. Time does heal all wounds, when we let it.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Avoidance


Years ago, when I was a single mom I put myself in a financial pickle. I would get my mail and any bills would just go into a stack. Eventually I would pay them but most times it was almost too late and many times it was too late. In my mind as long as it was not open, it was not a problem. Honestly in my defense, I may have learned this technique from my mom.

I may have told you this story before, but when I was about 9 or 10 years old my mom and I were walking through the mall and there was a booth selling items from India. My mom purchased fabric to make herself a Sari and some lovely shoes made with gold thread that had the curl at the end of the toe (picture Aladdin). She informed me at the time, that instead of paying the phone bill she decided to buy the sari fabric and the shoes.  Our phone was shut off, no surprise.

In time I sought help from a credit counselor and got it together, realizing that I had more stress from wondering about the bills instead of just opening them and budgeting for them. However, I may not have completely cured myself of avoiding things that I do not want to deal with. My cat Emeril has been sick for some time. Let me put it this way he has more coming out of his tummy then what he keeps in it. I am constantly cleaning up after him. My little home carpet cleaner is getting quite a workout. The trouble is that although I know he needs to go to the doctor, I am avoiding it. I am also making more work for myself. I feel like if I do take him they will tell me there is something really wrong with him and I know I just cannot take that news.

So that is how selfish I am. I am more worried about how I will feel then I am about his health and until just now sharing this story with you I had lost the ability to use good judgment. I have been using my long gone technique of avoiding and until just a few minutes ago it had been working very well. Now suddenly I am tossed into this melting pot of guilt and shame blended with a sharp note self-loathing.

Avoiding seems like such a great plan when you first start out and then somewhere in the middle of it you realize you are burying yourself alive with choices that could be different if you just face facts. I know better and I know I can do better. I owe my furry friend more then to just ignore his illness. Today I am putting on my big girl panties and moving past my personal road block. I am going to call the vet and make an appointment for Emeril. That’s what responsible pet owners do for the fur-ever friends.

Avoiding really just turns into another problem altogether. It adds stress and guilt and sometimes makes a small problem an even bigger one. I cannot keep throwing my cats illness in the pile and avoiding it, no matter where I learned this method it is time to stop and be responsible. Avoidance just is not the answer.

Friday, January 11, 2013

FASHIONISTA

I am the mother of three girls. As such, I find myself constantly balanced on the leading edge of fashion. Each of my girls has their own style and they wear it well. My youngest has always been fairly laid back about fashion and has shunned any current trends. Her interest in a particular style or fashion idea would last momentarily and then she would head back to her jeans and comfy shirt...until now.

Last night when I joined her in her room to help her plot out her outfits for the coming weekends events, I realized that she is being buried alive by hand me downs from both of her sisters and clothes she has outgrown. She also is so tender hearted that when I asked why she would except some of these items when they clearly A. Did not fit or B. they were worn out, she replied " I did not want to hurt their feelings".

Baby girl cannot even think about becoming a fashionista because she is busy being the guardian of unwanted clothing. Every time she gets dressed, she has to shuffle through drawers and a closet full of items that are not fit to wear. I spent most of the evening removing things from her closet and assuring her that she does not have to accept every piece of clothing set at her bedroom door.

Avery has hit the age where she is ready to find her own style and become her own person but when she gets dressed she looks in the mirror and sees herself in her sisters clothes and not her true vision of who she is. The hard part of all of these revelations is that Avery does not like to shop. At least not for long periods of time. This can really throw a curve ball at any fashionista since being fashionable requires shopping for fashion.

For the time being we are going to focus on clearing out the Hand-Me-Down mountain so that she can start at ground zero and build a wardrobe that better represents how she feels and who she is. The next obstacle will involve actually shopping. When she was younger I would have her cut out pictures of things she needed to remember for school and glue them to paper. I am thinking that she could use the same idea and clip and paste clothing ideas online so that she has a data bank of what she would like to look for. Maybe I am crazy, but I think it would make her shopping less overwhelming and stressful.

I realize that the world has much bigger issues at hand then a teenage girl's fashion woes, but in a house full of girls this is considered an emergency! Any self respecting mother of future women knows to answer this emergency call and I am on it...Never fear Momma Fashionista is here!!




Just a quick note that I am emailing my blog in this morning just in case it looks a little different.



Sent from my iPad

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Not Bad For...


So yesterday my sister sent me a text and as part of the text she added “Not bad for an old broad”. That is a statement my Mom used to make all the time and it drove me crazy! It also does not help that said sister is about seven years younger than me! She is actually bringing the whole team down with her comment. My thought process is this, if you are what you eat, is it possible you are also what you think?
Can you age yourself by referring to yourself as old? I have friends that call themselves old on different occasions and since many of my friends are younger than me it grates on me. I realize that I am aging, but I do not intend to be old. My point is this, while my body is fervently working to make its way through life’s process all the way to the end, does that mean my mind and spirit must age as well? Could old just be a state of mind?

Why bow to the number in years and give up, when we could be learning and growing and staying current with the times. There is technology that changes daily and music of every type available. How it is possible that we could stay stuck in an age/number when we are thrust forward each day with new ideas is hard to comprehend. I honestly think change is good. Changes in clothes, food, and environment are all important in keeping us young
emotionally even when our body is making other plans.

I am not giving in on this. While there are definite signs that my body is trying to make a run for it, I am not going to stop thinking young. There is so much life left to be lived and my plan is to soak up as much of it as I can. As I soak it up, I also plan on enjoying every minute. Mind you it is not always easy, especially when your kids want to remind you just how uncool you really are, but I know that someday they will be in my shoes and look back and hopefully finally understand what I was up to. While they assume that I am trying to embarrass them or they think I look silly, I am really just teaching them to grab ahold of life and swing from its vine!

After all…we have one shot at this life thing, so why should we give up in the middle of it and coast? Today I ask that you cut yourself some slack. Look less in the mirror and more into your heart and mind and please do not refer to yourself as OLD! It suits no purpose and diminishes you and me. Remind yourself every chance you get that you are what you think you are and take a moment to breath into your mind and spirit the youthful life around you.

 

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Reconciling Loss


As I wrote about being a mom yesterday a friend of mine was sitting with her mom watching her fight her last battle with Cancer. Cancer won again.

My heart hurts for my friend knowing that losing my Mom was one of the most difficult things I have ever worked my way through. While many times my Mom and I were not of the same mind, she was my Mom. I think like her, I joke like her and to some, I look like a tall version of her. I remember her every day.

I think of something quirky and funny and I laugh knowing my Mom would have laughed too. I listen to calming classical music knowing my Mom taught me to love the grace and beauty of the instruments flowing together. I see a picture and remember the moments we had together. Mostly though, I see her in my children, in each of them there is a little seed of my Mom that is blooming. In time those seeds will be passed on to the next generation mixed with moments that I have had with my children and quirks that I have given my children.

Suddenly within the loss, you find hope. Once I let go of the hurt and sadness of my loss I learned to embrace the memories and moments that danced in my mind. Now I feel my Mom with me. We were so different yet so much alike and I am the only one that really knows the subtle nuances of the relationship we had. I am free to release the sad times and the hurt and focus only on my love for her and the gifts that she gave me. But that came in time, after I had stitched up the wound of my loss and the pain of wishing things could have been different. Reconciling loss takes time.

One day you will find yourself smile as you remember a moment in a room where you once stood together and laughed. You’ll feel the warm morning sun and sense the feel of a hug and know that she is there with you. You will grow her favorite flowers or make her favorite food and feel united once again if only for a moment.

My friend, I know how much this hurts and I know that it feels like the pain will never stop. You are feeling longing to share one last word and hug. You want so badly to hear her voice…her mom voice, the one that always put you at ease and came with a loving hug and if you are like me, you just want to know that now she is ok and all her pain is gone. You must trust that she is now safely in God’s arms and that her heart is always there for you. Your mom is now a bigger part of who YOU are.

Cancer may have won this battle, but it cannot beat your spirit. You will smile again and laugh too, but first you will cry and wonder why. You will struggle with the day to day tasks that seem senseless and silly. You may even wonder at how people can get up and go each day when you do not have the strength, but trust me one day when you least expect it you will remember your mom and smile.

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Sick Day

I dedicate my post today to all the Mom's who are not feeling well. I myself have had my days of illness and I know how tough it is. Let me walk you through a sick day for one of my children or husband. They go like this.
  1. I establish a sick zone, usually the couch with a sheet over it and a pillow with a fresh pillow case.
  2. I hand over the remote to said sick person and they become captain of the couch watching inane shows on television that make my head want to pop off.
  3. I have water, ginger ale and soup at the ready along with oyster crackers or saltines.
  4. I remain at the beck and call of the sick person for the duration, which includes nights and weekends.
Now lets walk through a day of my being sick:

  1. I wake up a little later hoping everyone gets off okay and doing my best to remind everyone of any necessary belongings that should not be left behind.
  2. I slog out to the couch and plop down as my mind works thorough what I have in the house that will make an easy dinner.
  3. I feed the dogs and take them out.
  4. I try to do laundry.
  5. I search for soup or something to eat for lunch.
  6. I have a mini pity party.
  7. I let the dogs out AGAIN!
  8. I suggest leftovers or something easy for the family dinner all the while feeling guilt and hoping no one goes hungry.
  9. I watch some inane show on television.
  10. I go to bed and hope that tomorrow I feel well enough to rejoin the world.
Mothering is my job, I take great pride and joy in it, I know that no other person can do for me what I do for my family and I do not expect them to...okay that part is a lie, it would be nice to get a little sick day tender loving care, but the truth is I really want everyone to keep moving forward and that's why I do what I do. It is no easy task taking care of a family and as Mom's we can only hope that what we do for the family when they are sick, they learn to do for someone else one day. I guess you have to consider mothering a Pay It Forward program. There is no other way to reconcile the hours of time and energy invested. We (Mom's) all know that our value far exceeds our actual pay but the benefits of love and genuine appreciation (no matter how small) make it worth it in the end. Lets face it we Mom's are awesome and just anyone can not step up and do what we do. If that means that I do not get a top notch sick day, then I guess I can let that go...not easily, but I can let it go.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Getting Back at It!


My goal is to start writing again. I make no promises, but my hope is that I will settle back in and bore you with what is going on here once again.

As of today Aly my college student is back on campus after her Christmas break and starting her second semester of college. Avery is back at her high school looking at the downhill slope of her junior year and Ashleigh my oldest and my husband Mark have gone to work. I am ALONE! Sweet quiet except for the washer and dryer working away. I am not worrying about anyone sleeping too late or who will need a car or what every ones plans are today, I am just enjoying being here in my nest all alone.

This morning I am propped at my family computer having handed my little notebook computer off to a friend that has technology savvy sons. My computer became slower and slower and it was in jeopardy of being tossed across the room. For it's own safety I sent it away into capable hands that will hopefully figure out what has taken a hold of it. I am grateful for those who have the ability to understand the inner workings of this amazing technology.

In the midst of my glee over being alone, I am also struggling with the disappointment that an enrichment class in American Sign Language that I was looking forward to taking at our local college has been canceled. I as usual blabbed to anyone that would listen about this class I was going to take and now I sit here feeling foolish and sad. I was looking forward to trying something new and stretching my personal boundaries a little. Instead I am now thinking I should skip the enrichment class and sign up for college...I know I laugh when I read that too! Me...SCHOOL?? Hmmmm or just let it go and move on to the next hair brain scheme.

My family continues to remind me that many of my ideas for self improvement and enrichment, including being employed never actually end well. I am generally very happy staying close to home and following my routine. I thought this class would shake things up for me a little and get me out of my box. Now I find myself climbing back into my box and getting comfortable...very comfortable!

 My youngest has made it clear that she does not need or want my input on things that are coming up for her so maybe its time for me to step back and focus on what I need and want. This is a foreign idea for me. I have focused on someone besides myself for almost 30 years and letting go does not look promising, but I am willing to try. I can at least go to the college and ask some questions, what can it hurt? I of course will put that off until tomorrow so that I can enjoy my solitude for today. I mean really, I do have my priorities!