Reconciling Loss

As I wrote about being a mom yesterday a friend of mine was sitting with her mom watching her fight her last battle with Cancer. Cancer won again.

My heart hurts for my friend knowing that losing my Mom was one of the most difficult things I have ever worked my way through. While many times my Mom and I were not of the same mind, she was my Mom. I think like her, I joke like her and to some, I look like a tall version of her. I remember her every day.

I think of something quirky and funny and I laugh knowing my Mom would have laughed too. I listen to calming classical music knowing my Mom taught me to love the grace and beauty of the instruments flowing together. I see a picture and remember the moments we had together. Mostly though, I see her in my children, in each of them there is a little seed of my Mom that is blooming. In time those seeds will be passed on to the next generation mixed with moments that I have had with my children and quirks that I have given my children.

Suddenly within the loss, you find hope. Once I let go of the hurt and sadness of my loss I learned to embrace the memories and moments that danced in my mind. Now I feel my Mom with me. We were so different yet so much alike and I am the only one that really knows the subtle nuances of the relationship we had. I am free to release the sad times and the hurt and focus only on my love for her and the gifts that she gave me. But that came in time, after I had stitched up the wound of my loss and the pain of wishing things could have been different. Reconciling loss takes time.

One day you will find yourself smile as you remember a moment in a room where you once stood together and laughed. You’ll feel the warm morning sun and sense the feel of a hug and know that she is there with you. You will grow her favorite flowers or make her favorite food and feel united once again if only for a moment.

My friend, I know how much this hurts and I know that it feels like the pain will never stop. You are feeling longing to share one last word and hug. You want so badly to hear her voice…her mom voice, the one that always put you at ease and came with a loving hug and if you are like me, you just want to know that now she is ok and all her pain is gone. You must trust that she is now safely in God’s arms and that her heart is always there for you. Your mom is now a bigger part of who YOU are.

Cancer may have won this battle, but it cannot beat your spirit. You will smile again and laugh too, but first you will cry and wonder why. You will struggle with the day to day tasks that seem senseless and silly. You may even wonder at how people can get up and go each day when you do not have the strength, but trust me one day when you least expect it you will remember your mom and smile.