Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Last night I was restless. I would sleep and wake over and over and at 3:00 AM my body could take no more. Every time I convinced myself I could fall back to sleep my body would disagree until finally at 4:15 AM I gave in and just got out of bed. It was useless to fight it. Whatever the reason I was up and that was that.

I have a lot in my brain. Last weekend we went as a family to take my youngest to a scholarship competition at the college she has decided to attend. This event moves us one step closer to an empty nest and I still find myself wondering  what I will do when I am no longer needed to mother on a daily basis. Right now there is plenty I am needed for and sometimes it is to the point that I wonder how this girl of mine will make it on her own without some mothering. Regardless, I cannot linger in that part of my mind, because she needs to take care of herself and I need to let go.

My brain also holds thoughts and worries about my other two launched children. Even though I know that they are doing well and working at life in their own way, I cannot help but think about how they are and worry when I know they are struggling. What kind of mother would I be if I did not wish every so often that I could reach in and magically fix whatever problem they are having? I learned to make my way in this life without a crossing guard and I am sure they will too, but…a mother can wish can’t she?

To add to the fun my brain is having, I am co-chair of the senior all night party at my daughter’s high school and I love what that entails most days, but some days it is a trial by fire. Couple that with my first ever summons to jury duty and you have a brain full of a combination of second guessing and worry. I love working with groups and learning to work with different types of people, but volunteers are not as easy to come by these days and our group could use a few more people sincerely ready to get the job done. Many hands make light work and right now the load is a little heavier than I would like it. Jury duty just scares me. Not sure why, mainly I think it is that I have to go to our county courthouse and it is kind of a pain. I do want to do my civic duty however so I will go.

All these things whirling around in my brain blender are probably why I had restless rest last night. There is no pause button on this whirling and spinning top of emotion and concern. It just takes off and I am awakened by the blending of all of it. Whirling and spinning and flowing over into a mess of thoughts that shake me awake and keep me that way. Each individual thing is really no big deal but together they all become a giant No Dose pill! I hope for better results tonight, I hope the fact that I awoke bright and early this morning will lend its self to a sleepy and restful tonight. 

Thursday, January 16, 2014


noun: nemesis; plural noun: nemeses
1.    1.
the inescapable agent of someone's or something's downfall.
"the balance beam was the team's nemesis, as two gymnasts fell from the apparatus"
archrival, adversaryfoeopponent, arch enemy More
o    a long-standing rival; an archenemy.
"will Harry Potter finally defeat his nemesis, Voldemort?"
o    a downfall caused by an inescapable agent.
"one risks nemesis by uttering such words"
downfallundoingruinruinationdestruction, Waterloo More
o    retributive justice.
plural noun: Nemesis
"nemesis is notoriously slow"
retributionvengeancepunishment, just deserts; 

I have someone in my life at this time that I have decided is my nemesis. I have no other explanation for how I feel about this individual. There is a constant feeling that they are intentionally trying to make things difficult. Granted I think that making things difficult is basically what they do every day all day not just to me but in their dealings with most people. My goal today is to release this person and this problem. It is nothing I can control and the more I think about it the more power this person has.

A few days ago I took an online test. It was an ARE YOU A PSYCHOPATH? Test.  As I took this test I realized that this person I am allowing to control my feeling and thoughts and is stressing me out IS a psychopath.  They are practically a text book case. The good news is that I am not; according to this online test I have only 12% psychopath tendencies. The fact still remains that I am allowing this one individual who is just not right, to be in charge of how I feel. I am paranoid and edgy and worried about what they are saying about me.  I am worried they will cause my undoing, ruination, or downfall. Not that I have anything to fall from, it’s just that once someone like this gets in your head, they have total control of your thoughts and feelings. This is not my “normal” style and it’s bugging the heck out of me!
I have to be ok with this individual roaming around my life. I need to limit contact with them as best I can, stand in my truth and not allow them to turn me into something I am not and most of all I must stop worrying about them and their crazy ways because I am making myself sick.

Yesterday I remembered that when you do not like someone it is generally because they are like you or remind you of things in yourself you do not like. That little tidbit sent me off the deep end worrying about what I could possibly have in common with my nemesis. We are both people with strong opinions, we have a desire to be liked and as I trace my mind about other possible commonalities I think my biggest worry is that they will be the reason I lose a friend.

The truth is all I can do is let this story play out and not add my own imagination to it. By constantly wondering and thinking about details of this person’s perceived plan or plot my 12% psychopathic tendencies rear their ugly head. I am better than that. I can take back control of my thoughts and feelings. Perhaps I just take my need to control this situation down a few notches and just take back my personal power and energy. This is just a temporary issue and it will last as long as I allow it to. I should probably stop being so dramatic too, using words like nemesis may be over the top…or so I hope!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

A Patch of Blue

Can you see the little patch of blue
on the right side among the branches?
Wow, what a difference an hour makes!
Today has been intermittently gray and then sunny. At one point I watched as the gray sky swallowed up all the blue except a tiny little section. I focused on the small section of blue hoping to will the blue back. I just could not give into the gray and let it take over.

Many days in the winter I feel like gray and gloomy feelings are swallowing me up. I fight and fight the feelings and try desperately to focus on the happy things. I am desperate to not let the gray push me around. It is hard not to give in and just let the gray wash over me and many days it does. Seeing that little patch of blue fighting back today inspired me. As the afternoon wore on I could see that that little patch had worked its way into a bigger patch of blue with some sun thrown in. I liked that, I want to be like that. I want to see a rough patch in my life and focus on the good so hard that I smooth away the grayness.

I realize that a little gray or even a lot of gray is just part of life. It certainly helps make those sunny blue sky kinds of days all the sweeter doesn't it? I also know that sometimes it is up to me to be my own patch of blue, fighting back the gray with a good book, a cup of tea or a good conversation with a friend or even all three. Today is a good day to make your list of blue sky ideas. What takes away your grey and makes your inner sunshine? You never know when you will have to fight off the gray with a patch of blue.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

When You Say You are OLD

I have a friend that always makes comments about being old. Things like “My old ears cannot take the noise” and “My old eyes cannot read the small print”. One day I called her out on it and I said “Listen when you make cracks like that you bring the whole team down!” From there we got into a discussion and I learned that she was my age. WHAT?! Listen it is tough enough aging without constantly picking on yourself about it and picking on your perceived flaws and throwing them out there for all to see.

Everything about us changes every day. Sometimes it is just part of our personal package, choosing to view an aversion to loud noises as you being old, makes you old! You’re choosing to consider your eye sight changing as aging, rather than just part of the barrel full of monkeys that life hands each one of us, ages you. So please, please, please, STOP THAT!!

I don’t know about you, but I do not need someone my age running around complaining about getting old. I am very happy remaining age neutral and immature, please do not stick me in your crotchety OLD group and if you’re younger than me and complaining about getting old, that just does me in! Just enjoy where you are. Every one of us that gets to wake up tomorrow and enjoy a new day has a chance to do something new and create who we want to be and our age should not be an obstacle. For me I choose to be my age but live as young as I feel. I will hang out in noisy places and proudly slip on my reading glasses only when I need to. Most of all I am going to live as long as I can and remain as young as I feel. As for you, when you say you’re old, I may just have to agree with you.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Time Off For Good Behavior

It has been just over three weeks since I last wrote a blog. Did ya miss me? There was the week of Christmas where every moment was packed with jolly holly festivities. The next week was New Years and that week went by so fast it was Friday before I finished blinking on Monday morning. Then Snowmagedan came to our town. Snow and more snow and then the Polar Vortex which kept us trapped in our home since -30 degrees are just not fun. Finally for some added fun, my husband, daughter and I came down with Bronchitis and just to be difficult, my body threw in an ear infection (WOOHOO!).

It took a little over 21 days to break my habit of writing. Honestly, I was too busy at the beginning to write anything and last week I was just not up to doing anything but the basic stuff. I was lucky if I brushed my teeth. I became very close with my comfy clothes last week. It was tough putting on real clothes when I did have to go out. I enjoyed the forgiving nature of the stretchy waist bands. They never judged me or forced me to conform, they just allowed me to be me and fill out where I needed to, no questions asked. Writing was just more than I could handle…too much energy would have been expelled that I needed for walking and sitting.

So, I am back at it and I will do my best to dazzle you with my writing once again. I hope I have not lost my few readers forever, I know I let you down. If it helps I thought of you often and wondered what you were doing. I also hoped you had not found a more entertaining blog, which honestly, I know, is not hard to do. Let’s just call it time off for good behavior and move on shall we?

Join me tomorrow when I write about When You Say Your Old.

Friday, December 20, 2013

You Cannot Make Some People Happy

Outside this morning it is a sloppy slippery mess, today is the final day of school before our holiday break and school was cancelled so my youngest is sleeping in and I have been awake since we received the call. I decided to entertain myself and poke around on Facebook, but instead of being entertained I am now annoyed. You just cannot make some people happy.

I am friends with a local information page for our town and this morning they posted about our schools being closed and some parents were posting angry comments because their children will now miss their class holiday party…seriously? That’s what you’re going to twist your panties in a knot over, a class party? How about the fact that now your child is safe and sound at home? Perhaps my perspective is different since my daughter would be driving herself to school in this mess.

Next I went to a web page for a news station just to see what the weather looks like for  the rest of today and ended up reading a story about a man looking for his birth parents by using Facebook. Once again I was annoyed when people were tossing their opinions about this man’s desire to find his birth parents around making rude and inappropriate comments. What the heck is wrong with people? Seriously!

Perhaps it would be best if I just stop reading the comments people make. I personally am glad that my daughter is home safe and sound in her bed. I will need to find something else to entertain me, because I do not need to be annoyed first thing in the morning by nonsense. Actually, I prefer not to be annoyed any time of the day. I hope the man that is looking for his birth parents finds out what he needs to know and the people that are disappointed about their parties have a better rest of the day, as for me, I will have to avoid reading anymore comments, because you just cannot make some people happy.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Micro Manager

This morning was like a cold glass of water in the face. I stood there directing family traffic as they prepared to head out for the day. Mark was off to work from his company’s local office for the day and Avery was off to school and I was busy making sure that they were managed. “Remember to mail these cards. This one to this person and that one to that person, and remember to bring back my stamps.” I said to Mark. To Avery I said “You are not going to have time to get gas right now, go after school” Then I added “$30.00 is not enough, you need to keep your tank full in winter, put in $40.00”. There was also some conversation about taking medicine and vitamins and finally everyone left and in the quiet I thought to myself… “What just happened here?”

Micro manager reporting for duty! I stood there pondering how I came to the point where I thought that everyone needed my backup in order to get through the day. I know this is lame, but I blame my Mom. Seriously, it is ridiculous I know but, I think that my need to manage and micromanage comes from not having any management as a child. My Mom was focused on my Mom and her life and interests and I was sort of a side car. I was thinking this morning as my ahh haa moment came to the surface that in order for me to cope I taught myself to take control…of everything. Rather than take a chance that something might not get done or go wrong, I head it off at the pass and land on it like a soldier on a grenade.

The saying goes, “the first step is recognizing the problem”. I recognize the problem but now I am wondering where to go from here. Obviously, my family has grown accustom to my micromanaging ways. They expect me to jump in and help keep the ball in the air, how will they ever make it without me sliding in and managing things? I am afraid this problem is going to take a toll on all of us when I begin to work my way out of this management position. Normally I would say let’s just rip the band aide off, but in this case it would hurt all of us at once. I am not sure I can do that anyway.

As I write I can still feel the shock of recognizing my problem…that cup of cold water is still dripping inside my brain. All the little things that I said should happen or someone should do. There are also all the times I have slid in under a problem and caught it before it affected someone in my family, but most of all, the times that I jumped in with my “advice” in order to “help” when I was not asked. Oh boy, the icy realization makes me very uncomfortable.

Being the micro manager has been a very comfortable role for me. I know this will not be an easy change to make; I mean making sure everyone is okay all of the time is a big job. Who will fill my shoes when I step back and balls start to drop, stamps don’t make it back home and medicine and vitamins are not taken? OH Wait. That won’t be my problem right? AGH, I don’t like recognizing my problems at all!! This is going to be A LOT of work!