Monday, January 25, 2016

When the Mood Strikes

I’m in a mood. It is not a good one and it is not a bad one, it is a “Meh” mood. I am annoying myself, so I cannot imagine what it is doing to those around me. I find myself talking louder and more aggressively and to add more fun to the mix I seem to get irritated very easily.  I think I am fighting some kind of inner battle with myself. Like I am depressed or upset but my brain has not categorized it so my body is just taking this deflective posture until it figures out what’s up.

Need an example? My husband just came out of his office and struck up a conversation about chocolate. You know the yummy sweet cocoa deliciousness? He found some in our pantry and wanted to let me know in case I was longing for something sweet. Nice guy right? My response was caustic and loud. Not really mean just aggressive. All of a sudden I looked at him and said “I am yelling, why am I yelling?” We both started laughing but my laugh turned into crying because I am so frustrated with myself. I have some ratcheted stress that seems to be getting worse, not better.

My husband’s take on the whole thing is that I am watching way too much news and internalizing it all. Mark feels my best course of action would be to avoid Facebook and the news. Take a break from the daily updates of insanity. He might be right. I actually waste way too much time trolling through the endless ridiculousness on Facebook. I like Facebook. I see things and hear about things from friends that I cannot see all of the time and I like that. Also included in the nice friendly updates is other people’s dirty laundry, personal unsolicited opinions on any given topic and a boat load of crazy. This kind of stuff can turn just about anybody crazy if they spend enough time looking at it.

The news is another ball of wax. I am just not someone that processes the news well. I take it all on. I can’t just “let it go”. Many stories I see and hear stay parked in my brain and become the scroll bar inside my head, like my own personal highlights page. That’s when “the mood” strikes, the loud growling mood that comes out of nowhere and attacks all in its wake. I am going to take my hubby’s advice. He has the most to gain from my attitude change if I pull it together so why not give it a try. 

Besides if I drag myself away from the negatives, maybe I would have time to write more. I’d like that. Who knows, maybe you would too.

I am going to pack up my loud voice and trot out a good attitude today, but first I have to post my blog and load it on Facebook…AGH, I know…I promise I won’t look at anything!

Monday, January 11, 2016

Let's NOT Talk About Politics

We have finally made it, it is 2016, a Presidential election year. I know it is hard to tell where the hard line is for campaigning anymore since practically everyone jumped into the presidential race a year and a half ago, but none the less here we are. I have bobbed and weaved my way around the topic of candidates as best I can with a slight slip of the tongue here and there for so long now, I’m not sure I can make it another 10 months without saying something that will end a friendship or if nothing else totally tick someone off.

You see, I am opinionated and I have strong feelings about many things (which you probably already know if you have read my blog before), but I draw the line at politics. I am passionate about what I am passionate about and I have strong feelings about what I think our country needs and doesn’t need, but I don’t want to argue with a friend over it or even have a passionate discussion over it. I’m just not that girl.

 Someone asked me point blank last week who I was voting for and it startled me. I was not expecting to have to pony up with a decision just yet. Honestly, I am just not ready to decide yet and I really don’t want to talk about why or even who. Can we all just agree to not talk about politics? Please?!

Here is the thing; say what you want about each and every candidate out there, in the end personal preference is the decision maker. What your life has been like for you. What your faith or belief system is and your gut. You’re out there RA RA RAing over somebody that just might be the last person I would find suitable, but I like you and now because of politics I am scratching my head. I thought you were different than that. Who knew you bent in that direction…now not only am I uncomfortable I am having a hard time  finding the words to share my thoughts because…well…I don’t want to!

Look, no matter how passionate we are about any of these people, someone is going to win and if you didn’t vote for them you are going to be upset. That’s a fact. So let’s agree on a few things:

*its politics, people win and people lose.

*You vote for someone they win and sometimes you regret it later.

*Not everyone agrees with you, no matter how loud you talk and no matter how strongly you believe in the person someone is going to have another person in mind.

*The great thing about America is that we can make our own choices about who we trust to lead us.

*Talking about politics is not everyone’s cup of tea, so respect those of us who have strong feelings, but like you enough to NOT want to talk about it with you. You will know us by the slight smirk and distant look in our eye when you bring it up.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Good Morning again, Fall

Over the weekend our family played the fall game of should we turn on the furnace or shouldn’t we? We spent a good amount of time telling each other how cold we were. Our two youngest had come home from college for the weekend so that meant that there were a lot more opinions than we have had here in a while. Mainly we leaned toward not turning it on. On Sunday after our girls headed back to school we (Mark and I) decided maybe we should relent and we turned the heat on for a little while “to get the chill out of the air”. Sorry girls…

Spring and fall tend to put us all in a tail spin. We find ourselves wanting so much for the new season to start but hesitating to commit. Spring is easy to jump into I can throw on some bright spring colors and layer up and we are good to go, but fall means looking at sweaters and layers and making a full on commitment to the cooler air. My favorite are the days when the sun is shining bright and the air is warm and we all pretend for 24 hours that its spring or even summer. No cares at all just living for the sunshine.

As I look out my window this morning all I see is grey cloudy skies and drizzle and my attitude is GAH…I would prefer sitting in my writing chair reading or writing or even looking endlessly at Facebook (I know, don’t judge me!) anything to avoid getting ready and facing the damp cold air. But I must go out and go to the post office and mail my youngest her glasses that she left behind when they packed up and left to go back to school. I promised I would last night before I knew I would wake up to the gloom. I’ll pull it together and get going, but I am going to have to work very hard to change this attitude that is lacking in enthusiasm.

As a side note I should let you know that my commitment to writing is no less enthusiastic. Things in my life have picked up the pace a little and I find myself a little busier than I would like to be. I’m working a little more at the shop I help out at because someone has left the store. My one day a week will be much more for a while until new people are hired and trained. I am fortunate to work for someone that is willing to let me hang around and work one day a week and the least I can do is help out in a pinch.

At the same time I have decided I would get better at making dinner. Over the summer I became less enthralled with cooking and felt badly that we were enjoying way more dinners out. So many actually that going out wasn’t fun anymore (shameful, I know!). So now I’m a full on wife, cleaning, cooking and caring for my family and like most women in America, working too. Yeah I know… big freaking deal. You are allowed to think that I know how lucky I have been but for now the jig is up and I have to get back to multi tasking. This means my writing will not be everyday but in a way that’s a good thing. I’ll have more to share when I do write. Don’t be sad, it won’t be as bad as you think. I’ll throw something into cyber space every chance I get, I promise. STAY WARM!

Wednesday, September 30, 2015


So I shared with you about my not so great feelings last week and then stopped writing. It was nothing personal, I just did not have it in me to write and then the weekend came along and Mark and I went out of town to see our girls and to celebrate his actual birthday. Along with all the running around I have continued to battle what might be a fall lull. My body is exhausted and my mind is murky and this morning’s chill in the air makes getting up and out of bed work.

Fall is the season of falling leaves and slowing down. I have been pulling out a snuggly blanket more and more when I sit down to read or write. I also look outside hoping to see the colors change a little more every day.   When the trees start to turn there is almost a festive fall feeling in the air. Apples, cider and donuts, along with color tours and flannel shirts help the celebration along.

I am looking outside this morning and the sun is bright and it is lighting up the red and gold in the trees. This is what a fall light show looks like. I welcome the chance to slow down from the summer’s busyness into a little slower pace. Maybe sip some warm cider and snuggle with Mark to keep warm. I also hope to get my brain back on track and feel like myself once again.

It’s going to take a little more time to get my brain on track. Hopefully not too much more, this feeling is like being mired in mud and not having any way out. My plan is to focus on the day ahead and grab a short nap this afternoon. I think a little self care is required here. As for you, I hope you will start to see fall all around you and enjoy the color show.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

What is it?

I‘m going through something…I’m not sure what it is or why, but it’s there. I’m anxious and uneasy and if I could have my way I would not leave the house. I made dinner last night and it didn’t turn out as well as I had planned and I cried. Not just little tears but a full on cry. I am pulling away from things I enjoy and people I like talking to. What the heck is going on?

I am hoping it is just the change of seasons and that it will pass but its unpleasant and weird. I feel like folding up, but I can’t because I have too much to do. We have some awesome plans for this coming weekend and I don’t even want to go. Now that’s really weird! I love going places and doing things especially when I can go and do with my hubby and yet I’m not feeling it. From where I stand it seems a lot like depression, but why?

That is the hard part about depression. It climbs in grabs a hold of you and starts filling your head with lies. There are big lies and little lies about you that aren’t true. Then you are left to fight this battle with yourself over truth and lies. After a while you start to believe the lies and you even start thinking that others feel things towards you or about you that are not true and it becomes this vicious fight with in yourself. What is most difficult is knowing what is happening and even knowing what you can do about it and being unable to do it.

That’s where I’m at. So many good things and wonderful things going on around me and I’m frozen in this not so great place of anxiety and worry and sadness over nothing. It’s awful and I hate it. I’m doing what I can because I know what it is (depression) but I obsess about why I’m feeling this and it just makes it worse. I would like nothing more than to have a day where I don’t shower and just sit and do nothing, but common sense tells me that is a recipe for disaster. So at least I have not lost my sanity…yet.  Today, I know that I have things to do and I have to get moving. I will just push through and make my way one day at a time until I leave this horrible feeling behind.

Monday, September 21, 2015


Last Saturday, I had a surprise birthday party for my husband. He was surprised, which is always a plus when you are working hard to make it a surprise. The whole process of getting from the idea of the party to the surprise made me wish I had come up with another plan. Let’s just say that I could never be a spy or an undercover anything. The stress of being found out about killed me.

For the last 6 weeks I have been scheming and planning. The idea was so exciting; I jumped in without thinking it all the way through. For example, my husband works from home…how do you prepare for a party when you party pigeon is right there all the time? I had to forgo actual paper invitations and text and mention the invite to people because I was never out of sight enough to be that sneaky. I also had no way of explaining why our usually ample food budget was just not stretching as far as it normally would. I just pretended like all was well and I had no idea what the problem was.

There was also the fact that I had to come up with various excuses why a particular day which was wide open on the calendar was suddenly not so wide open. I had already started planning for one open day when my husband informed me he was working that day…UGH.  I then had to start from scratch with my idea. Oh, and how about the day that we had our argument and I wanted to sock him in the nose? I had a tough time making my way through the plans until we worked it all out and made up. That required me reminding myself that I indeed love him even if he is a total man sometimes!

I should tell you if you are thinking of planning a surprise, really think it through. It was a big success and my husband was very appreciative, but it took a huge toll on my nerves. If sneaking around is your thing, then you will have it made, no problem, but if you are not so great at the whole undercover thing, maybe you will want to enlist the aid of a cohort who can carry the weight of some of the anxiety and stress. Regardless, most people like surprises and it is pretty cool to make someone you love feel special so in the end it is worth all the bumps and bruises when everyone yells “SURPRISE!!”     

Friday, September 18, 2015

Losing your Soul

Just a quick thought today inspired by a song heard this morning by a Christian singer, TobyMac. The Chorus is this “I don’t want to gain the whole world and lose my soul.” It made me stop and think how hard we all work to be more and have more or even just look like we do and to what end. If people around you look at you and think you have everything and have it all together and you are feeling unhappy and lost, you are losing your soul.

I have started to realize that the having and the being somebody part are not as important as the loving and caring part. Cherishing the people in our lives, not the things, Making sure we stay true to who we are and finding a life path that makes us happy without giving away our core beliefs to make someone else happy.

I stopped writing for a while because I felt like no one cared what I had to say. Recently I realized that I had been writing for me and I missed it. If no one ever reads another thing I write it does not matter as long as the writing continues to be true to who I am and honors the life I have. Please take some time today to be true to you. Hang on to your soul people!!

Here is the link to his YOUTUBE video: