Saturday, August 9, 2014

Screaming in My Head with Eyes Bulging Out

So getting my youngest off to college has been…let’s see…the most freaking frustrating thing I have ever been through. I feel like I am trying to push a sock through a strainer! My baby girl is a sweet, loving caring person who has decided that I am Satan’s spawn and I have been put on this earth to give her ridiculous advice and boss her around in an “overbearing” way. I “yell at her about things that don’t matter” and I need to stop worrying about everything.

So here are the things that I “yell” about “all the time”.

The bedroom: All I can say is GROSS, how does she live like that? She is a bright girl with OCD germaphobe tendencies, but when she walks into her room apparently there is some cleansing rays in the door because all the things that she worries about everywhere else don’t matter here.

Packing for college: This is a pile in my basement that has no order at all. The pile started in her room, but we had to rescue the stuff before it became part of the grossness. I keep stressing about having to carry all this stuff into her dorm in large clumps rather than neat orderly boxes with her room number on them and a general description of what is in them. It’s a problem I have obviously, something I need to “get over”.

I have gone from a knowledgeable supportive mother to an overbearing, obsessive lunatic who rants on and on about cleaning and packing and being prepared. It is an ugly trait that I am not proud of. I wish I could be one of those, go with the flow, carefree mothers that knows that her child will figure it out in their own way, but the selfish narcissist in me starts screaming in my head reminding me that if things are not done in a certain way, I will be running around catching all the balls that are dropping an hour before we have to pack the car to drive our “baby” to college!
I know I am not overbearing, but when I hear my daughter call me that it gives me pause. I start over analyzing myself and basically checking myself out in my head. I think through every conversation to see where I went wrong and wondering why I am taking the heat for the pot being stirred while my daughter stands there in her garbage dump pointing at me yelling “MOM STOP I’VE GOT THIS!”

 I am obviously misunderstood.

Somewhere in the middle of this is the truth, but right now I am taking the heat for being the problem and for the most part screaming in my head. Other times I snarp at my husband wondering how he got coated in Teflon and is absolved of any wrong doing and then I realize he says nothing about any of it and becomes a rollie pollie and hides his head when my daughter and I start to go at it. How is a good hearted, well meaning mother ever going to be recognized for all her best of intentions when no one realizes what a good person she really is! 

All I can do is to continue to be overbearing, insist on all the items that we will be transporting are in containers (using the boxes that I brought home) and nag and “yell” my daughter through the strainer and out the door. It’s a good solid plan that has failed miserably so far, but it is all I’ve got the strength for since we are a week away from move in and a month away from being packed. One day I hope my daughter will thank me for helping her be prepared, but right now it is not looking like that will ever happen. I will just have to keep most of my concerns to myself and scream in my head with the hope that my eyes don’t pop out from the pressure.


A final note: As I reviewed my writing this morning, I realize I said WE are a week away and WE have a month of packing and I had an Ah Ha moment. WE are not going to college SHE is and if I put the weight of what she does not remember to pack or take with her on HER and stop carrying it on my back maybe I could relax a little and stop yelling. Something to think about…

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Working Girl

Today I start my new job. I feel like this job is the right job for me. I do not feel anxious or worried and I am excited. Having my empty nest only a couple weeks away I realize that having something outside of the house will keep me engaged with the world. I don’t want to stay stuck in a life as usual loop, so getting out and working a little, seems like the best way to keep moving forward.

Working will be a good way to learn new things and meet new people. If I just sat in my empty nest I would become bored and discontent. That would not be good for me or my marriage. There is also the chance that I would be focusing way too much on the empty part of my nest. Getting out regularly will give me things to talk about with my hubby and keep our time together more interesting.

The fact that my husband works from home is another reason why I decided to throw my hat in the job ring. With him in his basement office and me lamenting the perceived emptiness of my nest we could get very tired and annoyed with each other quickly. I kind of feel like my working will make our marriage survival rate increase. Think about it…eating, sleeping, working and socializing with the same person day after day after day has the potential to work as a relationship hatchet. Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy it’s just that too much togetherness is just not good for any relationship.


So, off I go to get ready for work! I am excited to meet new people and learn new things. Most of all I am excited to work. Look out world, here I come!!

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Don't Just Stand There

I recently read that you are a runner if you run. I know this sounds crazy; of course you are a runner if you run, but I have never considered myself a runner.  A couple times a week and every now and then, three times in a week, I run in my subdivision. Nothing big just zigzagging through the neighborhood, listening to predetermined running music (only in one ear for safety) and each time hoping to make it home. I don’t run to be a marathoner or to be in the Olympics I just run because it is a quick and easy way for me to get some exercise and get on with my day.

I have always thought of runners as elite athletes that have toned bodies and eat shrubbery to stay healthy. I have a middle age body that does not avoid many foods except fast food if possible. I have never shied away from anything sweet or a good glass of wine and yet I am a runner. How can this be that I am allowed to be in this group of athletes? I feel a little guilty like I might bring the whole group down.

I don’t have a plan to train for anything. I will run a 5K (3.2 miles) race here and there if someone asks me to, anything longer and I tend to get bored. I marvel at the athletes that can or even want to run a marathon (26 miles). Don’t they get bored or have to go potty? What keeps them going? Yet these exceptional runners kindly include my wimpy neighborhood prancing as part of their sport. The reason being…something is better than nothing and runners (or most runners) don’t judge, they are encouraging and supportive and happy to welcome anyone into the fold.

I recently read that the fact that you get up and go run makes you a runner. I did not have to take a test or run a certain distance, I just had to get up and go and now I am a runner. When I cannot run I walk. When I don’t want to do anything I don’t and no one stops by and yanks my membership card, because I am a runner.


I am telling you all this to encourage you to step out today and try something, anything and make yourself proud. Don’t stand there looking at whatever it is that you have wanted to do but thought you couldn’t. Don’t talk yourself out of trying the one thing you have always hoped you would do but have not. Please do not let your age, your life, your family or your lack of ability, convince you that you cannot do the one thing that lingers in the back of your mind. Once you step out and just try the “I can’t” falls away and you too will become what you did not think you were. Suddenly you are part of a bigger group that does what you do and proud of yourself to boot. So don’t just stand there, do something!

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Jumping back into The Deeper Pond

After seven months of silence my fingers were itching to pound the keyboard a bit. A lot has happened in that seven months. My oldest daughter is thriving far away in Connecticut. My middle daughter is in her final week of study abroad in England and my youngest is slowly prying her fingers from the door jam and preparing to head to college in just three short weeks. I spent the last few months working on the  senior all night party that the graduating parents put on for the kids and I also spent a lot of that time struggling to let my youngest go. Somehow my letting go was harder than I had expected.

I am just three short weeks away from an empty nest. While I was worrying, cajoling and encouraging my youngest through her senior year, I was secretly worrying about what my next move would be once there are no children feathering our nest. While reality is that I continue to be a mother, my lead role becomes a walk on part and I am wondering if I am going to be able to pull that off.

I found myself a nice part-time job that I will start soon. The hours are great and I like the place which is a bonus. This will get me out of the house here and there throughout the week and since my husband works out of our house, it will also give us something to talk about. I do not want our nest to become boring. Honestly, so far in our almost twenty two years together there has not been a dull moment yet and I don’t want to start now!


There is going to be some adjusting going on around here for all of us. Perhaps by writing a little, working a little and long distance mothering a little, I can make it past the empty nest syndrome with “flying” colors. Cross your fingers! It would also be nice to have you along for this next phase of my swim in the deeper pond.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Restless

Last night I was restless. I would sleep and wake over and over and at 3:00 AM my body could take no more. Every time I convinced myself I could fall back to sleep my body would disagree until finally at 4:15 AM I gave in and just got out of bed. It was useless to fight it. Whatever the reason I was up and that was that.

I have a lot in my brain. Last weekend we went as a family to take my youngest to a scholarship competition at the college she has decided to attend. This event moves us one step closer to an empty nest and I still find myself wondering  what I will do when I am no longer needed to mother on a daily basis. Right now there is plenty I am needed for and sometimes it is to the point that I wonder how this girl of mine will make it on her own without some mothering. Regardless, I cannot linger in that part of my mind, because she needs to take care of herself and I need to let go.

My brain also holds thoughts and worries about my other two launched children. Even though I know that they are doing well and working at life in their own way, I cannot help but think about how they are and worry when I know they are struggling. What kind of mother would I be if I did not wish every so often that I could reach in and magically fix whatever problem they are having? I learned to make my way in this life without a crossing guard and I am sure they will too, but…a mother can wish can’t she?

To add to the fun my brain is having, I am co-chair of the senior all night party at my daughter’s high school and I love what that entails most days, but some days it is a trial by fire. Couple that with my first ever summons to jury duty and you have a brain full of a combination of second guessing and worry. I love working with groups and learning to work with different types of people, but volunteers are not as easy to come by these days and our group could use a few more people sincerely ready to get the job done. Many hands make light work and right now the load is a little heavier than I would like it. Jury duty just scares me. Not sure why, mainly I think it is that I have to go to our county courthouse and it is kind of a pain. I do want to do my civic duty however so I will go.


All these things whirling around in my brain blender are probably why I had restless rest last night. There is no pause button on this whirling and spinning top of emotion and concern. It just takes off and I am awakened by the blending of all of it. Whirling and spinning and flowing over into a mess of thoughts that shake me awake and keep me that way. Each individual thing is really no big deal but together they all become a giant No Dose pill! I hope for better results tonight, I hope the fact that I awoke bright and early this morning will lend its self to a sleepy and restful tonight. 

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Nemesis


noun
noun: nemesis; plural noun: nemeses
1.    1.
the inescapable agent of someone's or something's downfall.
"the balance beam was the team's nemesis, as two gymnasts fell from the apparatus"
synonyms:
archrival, adversaryfoeopponent, arch enemy More
o    a long-standing rival; an archenemy.
"will Harry Potter finally defeat his nemesis, Voldemort?"
o    a downfall caused by an inescapable agent.
"one risks nemesis by uttering such words"
synonyms:
downfallundoingruinruinationdestruction, Waterloo More
o    retributive justice.
plural noun: Nemesis
"nemesis is notoriously slow"
synonyms:
retributionvengeancepunishment, just deserts; 

I have someone in my life at this time that I have decided is my nemesis. I have no other explanation for how I feel about this individual. There is a constant feeling that they are intentionally trying to make things difficult. Granted I think that making things difficult is basically what they do every day all day not just to me but in their dealings with most people. My goal today is to release this person and this problem. It is nothing I can control and the more I think about it the more power this person has.

A few days ago I took an online test. It was an ARE YOU A PSYCHOPATH? Test.  As I took this test I realized that this person I am allowing to control my feeling and thoughts and is stressing me out IS a psychopath.  They are practically a text book case. The good news is that I am not; according to this online test I have only 12% psychopath tendencies. The fact still remains that I am allowing this one individual who is just not right, to be in charge of how I feel. I am paranoid and edgy and worried about what they are saying about me.  I am worried they will cause my undoing, ruination, or downfall. Not that I have anything to fall from, it’s just that once someone like this gets in your head, they have total control of your thoughts and feelings. This is not my “normal” style and it’s bugging the heck out of me!
I have to be ok with this individual roaming around my life. I need to limit contact with them as best I can, stand in my truth and not allow them to turn me into something I am not and most of all I must stop worrying about them and their crazy ways because I am making myself sick.

Yesterday I remembered that when you do not like someone it is generally because they are like you or remind you of things in yourself you do not like. That little tidbit sent me off the deep end worrying about what I could possibly have in common with my nemesis. We are both people with strong opinions, we have a desire to be liked and as I trace my mind about other possible commonalities I think my biggest worry is that they will be the reason I lose a friend.


The truth is all I can do is let this story play out and not add my own imagination to it. By constantly wondering and thinking about details of this person’s perceived plan or plot my 12% psychopathic tendencies rear their ugly head. I am better than that. I can take back control of my thoughts and feelings. Perhaps I just take my need to control this situation down a few notches and just take back my personal power and energy. This is just a temporary issue and it will last as long as I allow it to. I should probably stop being so dramatic too, using words like nemesis may be over the top…or so I hope!

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

A Patch of Blue

Can you see the little patch of blue
on the right side among the branches?
Wow, what a difference an hour makes!
Today has been intermittently gray and then sunny. At one point I watched as the gray sky swallowed up all the blue except a tiny little section. I focused on the small section of blue hoping to will the blue back. I just could not give into the gray and let it take over.

Many days in the winter I feel like gray and gloomy feelings are swallowing me up. I fight and fight the feelings and try desperately to focus on the happy things. I am desperate to not let the gray push me around. It is hard not to give in and just let the gray wash over me and many days it does. Seeing that little patch of blue fighting back today inspired me. As the afternoon wore on I could see that that little patch had worked its way into a bigger patch of blue with some sun thrown in. I liked that, I want to be like that. I want to see a rough patch in my life and focus on the good so hard that I smooth away the grayness.

I realize that a little gray or even a lot of gray is just part of life. It certainly helps make those sunny blue sky kinds of days all the sweeter doesn't it? I also know that sometimes it is up to me to be my own patch of blue, fighting back the gray with a good book, a cup of tea or a good conversation with a friend or even all three. Today is a good day to make your list of blue sky ideas. What takes away your grey and makes your inner sunshine? You never know when you will have to fight off the gray with a patch of blue.