Day Three England Trip

It is Wednesday and I am up at 5:30AM England time and 12:30AM American time. My body is scream for me to rest and my mind is awake. I am hoping that today I will level off and be come in sync with the new schedule.

Today we are headed to the Lake District. It is suppose to be a beautiful area with of course lakes. I can safely say that my concerns about starving were not correct. I will tuck a protein bar in my bag just in case, but now my concern is turning from starving to death to whether or not I will fit into my clothes by the end of this trip.

Our day in the Lake District was wonderful, we toured William Wordsworths home and gardens. We also took a hiking tour of the area as well as a boat trip across the lake. The boat trip was very relaxing and beautiful. We rode at the top of the boat and we had the warm sun and breeze on us, a wonderful combination. While in the town called Booness, we had lunch in a small pub and enjoyed a grilled cheese and tomato sandwich. Here this sandwich is called toasts.

After lunch we did a little shopping and then rode our bus back to our hotel. It was a two hour ride back to the hotel and we were all drowsy. Dinner was pasta and chicken in cream sauce. There was little seasoning in the sauce, but our long day made us all hungry and the food hit the spot.

Today we are touring a castle and I am certain there will be other unexpected adventures. Rain is expected today. Our weather so far has been warm and sunny. Today rain is expected and I believe that we will see more and more rain as our week goes on. I have brought my ugly rain coat and a cute straw hat so hopefully I will be fortified against the dampness. My biggest frustration of all...no real WiFi, it has been spotty at best. I am very fortunate that this has been my only dilemma, however it makes blogging a challenge.


Sent from my iPad

Daffodils and days and days

Swallowed Whole

After a very long break I am ready to get back to sharing my life for anyone willing to read it. I have spent way to long feeling grumpy/sad/depressed and basically a no fun grumbly human being. My friends noticed, I know they did. No one directly asked “What the heck is wrong with you?” But you could tell. I have good people in my life, but usually they are very careful about calling out the person who is bringing the party down. Sometimes calling out the grump ruins your whole time with said grump and everyone else that wants to be there and enjoy themselves.

The hardest part about being in a slump like I had was the fact that some of my friends most certainly took it personally. How could they not? My droopy attitude was not exactly the light in the room. Your people are there having a wonderful friendly time and crab ass is working hard at being invested, but just can’t quite get there because her sad self is focused on how disconnected she has become and how (thanks to the way my mind thinks) no one likes her. Here is the thing...If no one liked me, why would they want to be with me? I don’t have idiots for friends or in my family. Why would anyone intentionally invite you to a party if they don’t like you? It’s not like we are all 12 years old and their Mom made them!

There are a few reasons for why I shut down inside. I know what they are and I have let them go. I realized the best way to fight back the inner ugly me was to remember what made me happy and start doing those things again. My first step was to turn to my writing. Writing is something that heals me. I definitely need to keep healing so you are witness to step one of my road back. You read it here first! 

My second step was working hard to be more connected to my family. I really struggled with my family growing up and leaving home. I of course knew this would happen. That’s what parents shoot for, right? The truth is I selfishly expected them to work hard on being in touch with me and I didn’t think about the two way street. My girls all have busy active lives. To expect them to constantly touch base with me is so unfair. I loved being a Mom and mothering my daughters. They may have wondered at different times in their lives if this was true, but being a Mom is the best job I have ever had. Somehow in my mind when they all grew up, my mind decided it meant I was done. Truth be told, you are never done being a Mom. You just change from Full-time Mom to Part-time. That leaves open time for Mom to try new things and focus on herself for the first time in honestly, decades. Now, I try to call and touch base with each of my 3 daughters as much as possible. Many days one or more will cross my mind and I just send them a text to check in or plan a call for a specific time. That’s life in 2020 catch them when you can!

My third step is to reconnect to the love of my life, my husband, Mark. These last couple years have been very busy and with a grumpy/sad/depressed wife you can imagine how fun I have been. Mark and I both know that it takes two to tango and after some intense talks and honest conversation, the people we were, have started coming back to life. The truth is love changes, but your heart knows love and doesn’t let it go. We love spending time together and doing things together, we just got swallowed up in all the “to do” lists and life’s happenings while we were making other plans and forgot that we need each other as much as we do. It feels good to be able to openly talk about the feelings that I carried around and angrily blamed him for. 

My heart is finally healing and my head is mostly clear. I would say that I am probably 90% better. There is still a little piece of me that lurks on the darker side but those things are not things I can control and I do my best to glance in that direction to keep tabs on things, but not let myself get swallowed whole and revert to Debbie total downer again. It just isn't fun to be sad. It literally brings me to tears just writing that, but its true. No one goes there on purpose. No one wants to be grumpy/sad/depressed. It just slowly grows inside you and one day you realize you have been swallowed whole. If you are swallowed whole, or know of someone that is please talk to them, share your heart, phone a friend or just slowly find your way back. Trust me, you are missed. 

The Basement Renovation Shuffle

Home projects are exciting and aggravating all at the same time. The excitement is in the transformation and watching the ideas you have blossom into reality. The aggravation is the displacement of most everything in your home. We are in the midst of remodeling our basement. When we bought our home it already had a small kitchen in the basement. We knew one day we would have to remodel it and the day arrived about 8 weeks ago.It’s hard to explain, but literally everything is everywhere! I have piles with piles on them that are stuffed in rooms and closets. I have a hot mess of drywall dust and paint samples and best of all a pair of my favorite shoes has dried drywall mud stuck to the soles. 

It’s a slow moving project. We hired my brother-in law to do the major things like electrical and wall building, and putting in cabinets and then my husband Mark and I fill in where we can. There is still lots to do. We still need to finish putting in the cabinets and flooring has to be put down and before the flooring we should probably get all the painting done. My brother-in-law is a busy guy. He is working several jobs at the same time, so we see him about once a week. It’s not ideal, but when he is here he works his fanny off!

I am a “a place for everything and everything in its place” kind of gal and right now everything is everyplace and its driving me nuts. I have to keep reminding myself that this is temporary. Whats happening is a good thing and we are fortunate to be able to do this, however is my sanity really worth it. I mean drywall mud is STUCK to the bottom of my shoes...GAH! We have a target date of mid November at the latest. That is when my family in Connecticut is coming for Thanksgiving so the pressure mounts each day as we creep closer and closer to that day.

I won’t lie, I am pretty mean to myself about the stuff everywhere. I keep worrying that I’m turning into a messy person. What if I become sloppy? It could happen...right? It’s a scary thought. I have all of my pantry items in one of the bedrooms and I have a drying rack for my laundry in another room. I walk into a room and immediately forget why I am in there and then turn around and walk out. Then I spend several minutes aggravated with myself for losing my marbles and walk back and forth until my memory decides to share what it was I was up to when I headed for said room. That’s called “The Basement Renovation Shuffle”. I don’t recommend learning the dance its quite draining!

My husband, Mark, recommended I get back to writing so that I can dump some of my stresses out for others to see. Perhaps someone can learn and grow from reading about my woes. If nothing else I will have a nice log of my life to reflect on when I’m finally sitting in my tidy finished basement. At least a girl can dream.

Feel The Weight

In May 2009 (ten years ago) my Mom passed away. One year later my May 2010 my Stepfather passed away and the following year May 2011 my Great Aunt Nina whom I was helping care for died at they age of 93. First of all lets talk about the elephant in the room. MAY... I honestly could not have taken one more death in May. On top of it being unbelievable, it is also the month my youngest daughter was born. That was a joyous occasion. Not so joyous was telling her on her 13th birthday that her Papa had died that very day. Kind of  dampened the mood of our young teenager.

Along with these deaths came the job of obtaining things that were meaningful family items. In the case of my Mom and My Great Aunt, there was an over abundance of items that were part of our family for generations. Quilts that my Grandma and Great Grandma had made. The chest from 100 years ago that held handmade table clothes and Quilts. A painting that a Great great aunt had painted that was handed down over and over. Fur coats, jewelry, real and not so real. Books, a set of my Grandma’s china and pictures...lots and lot of pictures. This was just the tip of the iceberg that became my weight to bare.

When Aunt Nina passed I found myself relying on people to help me figure out what to do next, that... in hind sight probably did not serve our best interests, but I already had so many items still stored in my home from my Mom that I could not bring more here.        But I did.

Now, 10 years later I feel the weight of the generations gone before me bearing down on me. I have so many items here that I feel responsible for that none of my children want. I was an only child and my two cousins live out of state and their relationships with my grandparents were not typical relationships. They had no need or desire for much that was left behind. SO here I stand buried in my family museum.

The actual weight of these things is burying me alive. I am stranded here surrounded by handmade Cathedral window quilts, books, Hand knit coats (that weigh as much as me) and so so much more. Everyone else has moved on from that 3 years of death and I am still weighed down with the responsibility of the belongings that my family left behind and the deaths. I want so much to be the girl that decides “Not my circus, not my monkey’s”. I’m not that girl.

I had teddy bears made for my 3 girls out of Grandma’s Mink coat and I’m slowly pulling out all of these items and trying to make something out of them or giving them away. Mainly right now, I’m just ready to move on. I’m tired of feeling guilty for not wanting these things and oddly I’m quite jealous of my girls who have said “No Thank you”. Our world no longer deals in heirlooms and tradition the same way. We have so much literally at our finger tips in one or two days if we want it. We can look at someone we love while talking to them on the phone or send them a message half way across the world and get a response seconds or minutes later. None of us looks back much anymore...except those of us carrying the family legacy like an anvil.

Somehow I need to separate myself from the idea that saving all of these family pieces is my job. This will not be a “POOF its gone”  kind of thing. I am pretty sure the first step to detaching from what I guess I’ll call “The Stuff” is releasing the guilt. Guilt is heavy all by it’s self so letting go of the idea that somehow I’m letting my entire lineage down by not keeping every item they left behind would be a big deal. I’m one person holding on to guilt that dates back generations. Come on, do you really think Great Great Aunt Grace is going to be mad at me when I meet her on the other side because I didn’t keep her painting? Just writing about this is making me cry, thats how bloody traumatic it is! The weight is absolutely unbearable anymore. I don’t want this actual burden in my life and I’m determined to move out from under it. I will let you know how all this turns out. For now lets assume that my new mantra should be...

“NOT MY STUFF, NOT MY PROBLEM”

Yeah...Good luck with that!

Can You Feel It?

Can you feel it too? That electricity in the air? People on edge but keeping it to themselves?Frustration that’s causing anxiety that no one talks about? I feel like we are all positioned for an intervention, but there are so many of us feeling this way that we will all end up intervening for each other and (or) ourselves. 

There is an energy at play that has us unsure of what is next and worried that whatever is next is not what we really want next, but the train has left the station and  we are on it. Do we jump off the train or ride it to the end? Do we gather together and make a plan to fight off the negative energy or fend for ourselves, fighting the anxiety bag with our emotional billy club of choice. Hiding in a glass of wine or liquor or starting a labor intense project where you hammer at the project until all you anxiety is left bruised and bloody. There is also the options to walk or run or scream your way past the anxiety sign. 

I have to tell you I am at my highest level of anxiety that I can ever remember. There are things that I can point to that seem like good reasons to be anxious, but over all I have never been one to even recognize my anxiety. I have always made my way through and back to myself without much thought. Now I stand and look about like I have lost something and I have no idea what it is. Could it be my sanity? Could my marbles actually be lost? I do know that this mornings cup of coffee I am sipping on was a really bad idea. Caffeine is anxiety in a cup. This morning I  apparently have chosen to put myself completely over the edge. TIMBERRRRRRR!

I know that there are many things I can do to calm this anxiety down,  but I had hoped that if I spent some time tumbling around in my mind, I might actually pull myself together. No such luck! I’m just as tense as when I started and no where near the exit sign. I’m going to quit while I’m ahead and declare a draw on my personal side kick anxiety...you have won this round but don’t start the count yet, I’m down but not out. 

Even though this anxiety beast is in the air it’s not gonna take me down with it. I’m going to focus on the running waters of The Deeper Pond and slowly pull myself up and out of the clutches of this beast. 

Note: I learned recently that I need to do some behind the scenes work to allow comments to     work again. In the mean time you are welcome to comment on my Instagram page Thedeeperpond.

DICTIONARY

bil·ly²

/ˈbilē/

noun

noun: billy club

1. 1. 

   short for billy goat.
2. 2. 

   NORTH AMERICAN

   a truncheon; a cudgel.