Friday, September 30, 2011

Quiet Reflection


Just a little sister fun before last years Homecoming Dance
I like quiet, calm, uninterrupted quiet. You will not find this in my home early in the morning as my daughters prepare for school. The scene is more like two whirling tops spiraling through the bathroom, hallway, kitchen and dining room. Depending on the morning you will find either very happy whirling tops excited and prepared for the day, or cranky, tired unforgiving whirling tops ready to barrel down anything or anyone that gets in their way. There are some mornings when I am lucky enough to be heading out for my morning walk, but mornings like today I must stay through the entire thing taking deep breaths and longing for quiet. When my front door closes, it is just like the calm after a storm. The house is suddenly quiet and it is as if even the house lets out a calming breath. Being quiet is a big part of my day. I look forward to the time each day when I can sit and reflect, center myself and write.

 
I enjoy the hustle and bustle of my girls, the stories about their day and even the way they interact with each other when they are having a day that they like each other. I know they love each other and from the outside looking in, I would say they are best friends, but there are days when there is no doubt what so ever that they DO NOT like each other. Those are the days when I especially long for quiet. Girl fights are not pleasant, even worse are girl fights between sisters. Sister fights are a no holds barred event where you know your opponents weaknesses and you attack with extreme force using every verbal advantage you have and if for some reason that does not hurt your sister enough, you request the random borrowed item be returned immediately.

 
My sisters became a part of my life when I was in my early twenties, when my Mom married my Stepdad (who later adopted me). I never had the joy or stress of having my sister's part of my growing up years. Perhaps this is why watching my girls interact, I marvel at how they are together. I watch their love/hate relationship that has more love then hate, the moments when they seem almost like one person not two, because they are in unison in song or activity. I also marvel at their quick forgiveness of each other and the heat of their anger when one feels they have been wronged by the other. These are times when I realize what I must have missed. Oddly, I wonder if I would cower as much when they are in combat over Aly's mothering to much or Avery's slow methodical ways that drive the sane insane, if I had had the same opportunity to share life with a sister. Perhaps, I would be even less likely to long for quiet.

 
In a few months, when Aly is away at college, there will be plenty of quiet here. We will all be longing for the white hot tempers, laughter and whirling tops. I think I can suck it up and deal with the commotion for now, as the saying goes, careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Life is What Happens


Aunt Nina and her friend Anna, May 2010 at her "Senior" prom
Yesterday as I sat with 18 of my Aunts friends having lunch, I realized how fortunate my Aunt really was during her life. I am not sure if Aunt Nina even realized that all of these people held her in their hearts and cared how she was doing. As a matter of fact, I wonder if any of us know how cared about and loved we are. It is so easy to get so caught up in the everyday happenings of life that we forget that life is happening for everyone else and that we are all still part of the big picture.

 
Life has a funny way of reminding us that we are a small cog in a big wheel, for me having my friends to lean on, talk to and spend time with helps keep that big wheel of life a more reasonable size for me to handle. There were all different types of people at my Aunt's memorial luncheon, some knew each other and some did not, but they were all there because they knew one person and cared about her. That in its self is amazing, many of them played Bridge with my Aunt or went to church with her or some did both. There were a couple of neighbors and a few random lifelong friends and then of course Mark and I represented her family. We were all part of what I hope made my Aunts last few difficult years of life a little easier to handle… well us and of course her chocolate ice cream.

 
I was talking with a friend recently and we were sharing our concern about another friend and wondering why she has pulled back from our friendship and our group of friends. We feel that perhaps for her it is more comfortable to deal with her life and whatever she is dealing with on her own and maybe it makes her uncomfortable sharing with us when times are tough. The hard part is we still worry about her and want to help her by listening to her worries and concerns, but that is just not her style. The only thing we can do is stand here waiting in the wings, knowing that we all deal with things differently and praying that our friend knows that we are on the sidelines ready to listen if she ever needs us.

 
No one person lives life the same as another. We all have different thoughts and feelings. Some ride the wave and live happy go lucky with a smiling face for all they meet. Others like me turn their lives over and over looking at it from every angle trying to understand each and every nuance, hoping to get every step right and still others just plod along making their way as best they can and hoping to one day catch a break. I guess in the end after life has happened to each of us, all we can hope for is that our family and a few great friends will take the time to remember us and love us in spite of our faults and because of who we were. Although we are the engineer of the train the passengers really help make all the difference in the ride.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Memorial


Aunt Nina last year celebrating her 93rd birthday

Tomorrow afternoon is the memorial luncheon I have been planning for my Aunt Nina. Tomorrow would have been Aunt Nina's 94th birthday. I thought it would be nice to gather her friends and remember her on her special day. We will meet at her favorite restaurant and have lunch and cake and hopefully share time together remembering my Aunt and how she touched each of our lives. Once the luncheon is over the lion's share of the estate issues hopefully will be behind me. It is hard to know what else might come up, but for now I like to think things are settling down.

 
There will be about 20 of us enjoying lunch and time together. It will be interesting to talk with my Aunt's friends and perhaps catch a glimpse of what my Aunt was like with the other people in her life. I have received phone calls and letters telling me how much my Aunt's friendship and bridge playing meant to some and also how much her support during difficult times helped others. This lunch would make my Aunt happy, she loved special attention and she enjoyed spending time with her friends. My Aunt also enjoyed her sweets, so the cake will be the final tribute to her 93 & 1/2 years she spent with all of us.

 
Today is Mark's birthday. For the last few years we have rushed around trying to enjoy his birthday and prepare for Aunt Nina's birthday the next, we just never wanted her to feel forgotten. This year will be the last of the rushing around, next year our focus will be Mark's birthday and perhaps a short few moments of memorial the next day for my Aunt. We will always have her in our hearts and minds and with her birthday so close to Mark's, it will be very hard to ever forget her special day. So honestly, she will never be forgotten.

 
It is hard to believe that in less than two years, I lost three major players in my life. It is amazing how quickly life can take a turn. In no time at all I went from daughter and great-niece to executor. This makes me want to grab hold of every moment and wring every last memory out of it. Tomorrow will be a great tribute to my aunt, there will probably be a few tears and some great stories shared, but what I look forward to the most is the healing that comes from time with friends and their memories.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Identity Crisis

I had an interesting conversation with an acquaintance the other day. It was one of those conversations where you realize that you are standing on the other side of a deep cavern and there is no middle ground, you either agree or disagree, and I had to disagree. I did not however come right out and say that I disagreed; I just interjected a few comments hoping that this person would realize that there was another way to look at this without building this one thing into something they might regret later.

Here is the issue. My friend does not want her child watching Dancing With The Stars as long as Chaz Bono is on the show as a contestant. She feels that Chaz is a bad example for her child and she thinks that the fact that Chaz has chosen to change his body to reflect how he feels as a person is not his choice, only God can make these decisions as far as my friend is concerned. Her feeling is that as long as Chaz is on the show her child is saying that this choice that Chaz made is a good choice, essentially putting her stamp of approval on what my friend considers wrong.

This is where I climb back up on my soap box, so if you are of the same mind as my friend you may not like what I am about to say. GET OVER IT! Making your child not watch the show is not going to stop that child from interacting with people that have had sex changes. The odds are good that someone in your life right now is involved in any number of things that you or I might not agree with. That is not ever going to change. This child you are trying so hard to protect is going to go off to college or get a job with someone that is gay or transsexual. Honestly, how will you ever know unless the person tells you what their sexual orientation is? The other issue is why would you care?

There are people in my life that are gay and I have no interest in deciding for them if that is a good or bad choice. I will have enough things to account for when I get to the pearly gates, why would I want to lug other people's personal choices along with my own? Besides, I am certain that negative responses to a person's life choice is not going to change them into thinking how I think, it is only going to cause them to step away from me. If I really want to help someone see what I consider a better choice wouldn't I want to be nice to that person and show them that I care about them no matter what, instead of using the "it's my way or the highway" thought process?

I know that some will not agree with me on this, but I hope that you will care about me enough to know that I am still a good person. It does not always matter if we think alike. It does not matter if we choose to be gay, I am not even sure if it is a choice. Why would people take on a lifestyle they know will cause themselves and people they love hardship on purpose? Regardless of that I guarantee that whether you watch them on television or study next to them in class or even work with them on a job you are the one that will learn and grow. You are learning tolerance, acceptance and a greater love for another of God's precious creatures. Let God be the judge. Now if you are standing on the other side of this cavern and do not agree with me that is OK, that is what is so great about life, we all have a voice and a choice.

Friday, September 23, 2011

College Bound


It is pouring rain. As a matter of fact it is suppose to pour rain all day, it seems like the perfect day to go tour a college campus and that is what we are going to do. Mark, Aly, Avery and I are off to tour Michigan State University. This college is the bone Aly has thrown us since we asked her to try some other schools besides the one she has her heart set on in Rochester, New York. I would prefer to be prancing around this campus on a warm sunny day, but that is not going to happen. Mark tells me that on his IPhone it shows the line of rain is nowhere near the campus which makes me feel a little better, but for now we are enjoying grey skies and wet roads.

 
In no time at all we will be packing our car and dropping our daughter at college and right now the most important thing is where we will be dropping her. Next will come, how we will pay for the place where we will be dropping her, than we will wonder what she should take with her to where we are dropping her. Not long after that we will pack what she is taking to the place we are dropping her and drive to this place and actually drop our daughter at this place. All of a sudden I have a second daughter launched into the world and she is has only just cracked open her books for her senior year in high school.

 
The best part of all of this is working on my release skills. Parenting is actually a "Catch and Release" program and the sooner you get comfortable with the release part the better. Empowering my daughter so that she can make the choice for college and actually go is the best gift I can give her right now. I have no doubt she will make the right choice for her and I also have no doubt that she will make it in the world. My doubt is whether or not I can actually release.

I am pretty sure that all my girls are saddled with a Mom that will never stop mothering them. The trick is releasing my girls just enough to let them think that they are on their own and still keeping one maternal tendril attached. In the next few months I will be running this drill over and over until I get it right. Let's face it, I already have one shot over the bow with Ashleigh already launched, but she will tell you that my tendril is still attached much to her disappointment.

So, rain or no rain, we will make our way around the Michigan State University campus. We will undoubtedly buy each of our girls a t-shirt and discuss the attributes and down falls of the school while we drive home. Perhaps this bone we were tossed will be a real contender, we will just have to wait and see. On a bright note we have driven out of the rain. Could this be a sign of clear skies for our college bound daughter?

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Just Say No!

There I was sitting next to my friend last night waiting for the 2012 Senior Class All Night Party meeting to start, we had driven together hoping to keep each other from over booking ourselves and hoping that we could choose some things to do that we could do together. Misery loves company, so we figured in this case the more the merrier! Jokingly my friend had suggested that I bring duct tape to cover her mouth to keep her from over volunteering us and I had laughed, reality is that she should have brought the duct tape along.

As the women who are running the party started to speak, I could feel my blood pressure starting to rise and my excitement for the event began to increase. It felt like each item that was presented as a task they needed volunteers for was meant just for me. The chair people started passing around clipboards for people to sign up for different tasks and I found myself signing my name (and sometimes my husband, Mark's)to each one. I was so excited and happy to have the chance to be involved at the school again. It never even occurred to me that I would not be able to do some of the things I had signed up for. I kept signing and chatting and laughing and talking and signing my name some more, and I left the meeting feeling like I was doing my part to make this year's 2012 Senior All Night Party the best that it could be.

Flash forward to this morning when I realized that one of the things I had committed to do, I cannot do I will not be available on the date. Now I have to call the chairwoman and my friend and tell them I made a mistake and I cannot follow through with my commitment. Suddenly I am faced with the fact that I do not know how to say no. I get so excited to help and be involved that I lose focus of what I can and cannot handle.

Being involved does not mean I have to do everything. Many hands make light work, but I only have two hands, why do I feel I must over compensate and do my share and everyone else's too. I am so eager to please and feel needed that I raise my hand and become the lamb to slaughter. I am involved, I am a good (at least I think so) Mom and I do enough. Why I try so hard is something I will never understand. When Ashleigh graduated from high school, I was the co-Chairperson for her All Night Party and I was happy for any volunteer and the amount they offered was not a concern. I am sure that these chair people are feeling the same way. Someone, anyone offering to help out is one less thing they have to do.

There is really no way I can promise to say no. I know I just do not have it in me and the fact that my excitement had me agree to something I cannot do is just a sign of a very eager mom right? This does not mean I have a problem…does it? I bet all the people that were there signed up for too much too. They probably were laughing and talking with the people they knew and got excited about spending time with their friends and lost sight of what they could handle and instead of saying no, they signed their name. Oh, WAIT…that was me!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Contrasts

Last Friday, Mark and I went to a funeral home to pay our respects to our friend and his wife. Our friend had lost his brother a few days before and we wanted to support him by being there for them. Later that evening we were invited to a surprise birthday party for another friend and we wanted to head to that party to share some time with him and help him celebrate. Both of these events were a sharp contrast of each other.

At the funeral home there was barely anyone there. The man that had passed had made some very bad life choices. He was alienated from his brother (our friend) and his brother's family. This man that passed was also alienated from his two adult children, his grandchildren and his ex-wife. He died alone. It was sad to see that so few people were there for him and his family. Any of us that came had come for a friend or family member. This man had left so many and lost so much.

In contrast at our friend's surprise birthday party there were many people. There was a band and some friends were dancing and enjoying the music, others were sitting around a bonfire and laughing and talking. There was also a large group hanging out in the kitchen eating and sharing stories. Everywhere you looked, you saw happiness. There was a friend around every corner. This man is truly happy, loved and cared about.

This contrast in life and the path we take was a real reminder to me to live every moment. Make amends with loved ones when you can, stay in touch with friends. Be the person you want someone else to be to you. The thing is that both of these men were 60 years old, one was celebrating his gift of life and the other had given up on his. He had checked out, choosing to be alone rather than work at being a brother, husband, dad and friend. Life is not easy; as a matter of fact nothing is easy. There is always some work to do and people to please.

The great thing is that moments like these help us see the difference we can make in our own and someone else's life. We can choose to be lonely or we can choose to touch lives and take part in each and every day in spite of the work and effort it requires. Two sharp contrasts and the choice seems so easy, yet some still end up alone and broken. How lucky we are to have these contrasts and the chance to choose. What choice will you make?

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

High Anxiety or Anxiety High


So what would life be like without stress and anxiety? What kind of person would I be? Would I be boring? Would I be bored? I am wondering if I want the answer to those questions. The anxiety train has been parked in my station so long I am starting to think it is permanently docked like the Queen Mary in California.

 
The last few years have been a nonstop stream of anxiety inducing events that have kept me on an emotional roller coaster. I am starting to wonder when (or if) things settle down in my life, will I be bored? Maybe anxiety is the only way I can make it now. Perhaps I am so used to this constant knot of tension in my neck and gut that I will have a tough time when I do not have that any more. Right now I catch myself clinching my teeth and heaven forbid if I have a piece of gum in my mouth. I look like a wild animal chewing that stuff, every aggression comes out in that tiny little rubbery piece of gum. Yesterday, I was making my way through the self check out at our local grocery store and I was trying to put my change away in my purse, when the next customer in line came over and he said "excuse me." Seriously pal, you can't wait two seconds while I put away my change? You are in that big of a hurry? Maybe, on a different day it would not have bugged me, but all I could think of to say was, "EXCUSE me, I am trying to put away my change!" The whole time thinking…IDIOT!

 
The high level of anxiety is not good right now. I keep thinking that there is a lesson I am to learn and wondering each day if I have gotten it yet. There is also the chance that I might embrace a new found lighter state of mind. Maybe I would be more light hearted and friendly. Perhaps I would smile at the rude grocery store guy and say something like "Oh, sorry! Almost done here" I would even add a cheery, "Have a nice day!" as I waved and walked away. Who am I kidding the whole thing would still bug the heck out of me no matter what my state of mind was.

 
So the questions are really, when the stress and anxiety of the two estates, my husband's job and my daughter's lives settle down, will I be OK? Can I survive without that anxiety, or is this an addiction that I will have to overcome? Am I having an anxiety high or is this high anxiety temporary? All I know is that if this stress train does not leave the station soon, I will be banned from several local establishments!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Coffee Break

There will be two cups of coffee this morning instead of my usual one. Energy is not a thriving commodity today. I have showered and dressed in my scummy "gonna do chores" clothes and I am now wondering if any chores will actually be accomplished. There is a load of washed clothes waiting to be transferred to the dryer and some areas that need dusting with the additionally delightful task of cleaning the cat box waiting for me. I am hoping after that second cup of coffee there will be a little more energy coursing through my body.

The last few weeks I am distressed to report there has been an upswing in pimple activity on my face. I have struggled with acne my entire life and for some reason I had assumed at the age of fifty-one I would be done with whiteheads and blackheads, but no, that is not the case. Instead I have had at least one if not more, bright maraschino cherry colored beauties on either side of my face for the last two or three weeks. These pimples are more like volcanic mountains perched and ready to blow. There is nothing I can do but borrow my teenage daughters pimple cream and hope that whatever this pubescent eruption is from will soon end and I can stop looking in the mirror and reliving my teen years obsession over my face.

There is no use putting it off, this rainy drizzly day is not going to get the better of me. I have to move forward and accomplish some of the menial tasks I had planned for the day. I cannot laze about in my hideous clothes and red bulbous cheeks and think that my day will get any better. There is a chance that if I accomplish these tasks quickly, I can sneak in a video or something equally as entertaining. In the mean time I will delight in one last cup of coffee and become super charged with caffeine. Maybe I will use my caffeine high to get me through my chores as quickly as I can and with the right amount of enthusiasm even change my clothes so that my husband does not have to come home to the green shirt, purple sweatshirt and black athletic pants that make me feel (as if it is possible today) even worse about myself then I already feel. Let us all raise our coffee mugs and say a toast to Monday!

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Smarter Then I Look

The other day my middle daughter Aly came in from school and told me that something was wrong with the defroster on her car. Apparently no air was blowing onto the windshield and she decided that she would need a rag to keep it clear. I suggested to Aly that she might need to turn the dial for the air to adjust where the airflow goes and she replied, "No Mom, that's not it, it's broken!" "Hmn…OK" I said, "I guess you will have to have Dad take a look at it". I figured why argue with her if she was so sure she was right. I do not need the defroster to work, she does, so it's her problem and she will figure it out.

The next morning Aly ran back in after heading out the door for school, "Dad? Can you come look at my defroster, it is not working" So off Mark went to save the day. When he came back in after saving our damsel in distress he told me that he had shown her that she had to turn the dial to adjust the air flow. That's funny; I swear I had just said that the day before!

Later that day when Aly came home I asked her how the defroster had worked after her Dad had helped her and she replied, "Fine, but I do not like that I don't have heat when the defroster is on" "Um…Aly if you want heat you have to turn the knob to the defroster and heat area of the dial." I said in the most matter of fact non confrontational way I could. That is when Avery piped in "I was going to mention that to you Aly, but I figured you knew what you were doing" Honestly, at that point all I could do was laugh. It took two days to help my daughter learn something that if she had given me a chance to begin with would have been handled in two minutes.

All I can say to my children at this point is that I am smarter then I look. I have had my fair share of defroster dials and other fun live experiences and I am ready, willing and able to help you out when you need it. The hard part is apparently you need to figure this stuff out for yourselves. I'll just be over here if you need me!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Technical Challenge

Why is it that this small piece of metal technology can drive a person so crazy? All I wanted to do was buy a song on ITunes and it has turned into a three day fight with my lap top. I have loaded and unloaded the newest version of ITunes, I have turned my Firewall off and on and I have even gone where I had never gone before behind the scenes of my computer trying to figure out why I cannot get my ITunes Store to load.

The first day or two I was so frustrated with this that I kept thinking I was going to have to fling this stupid computer off my deck. Then I decided I could not let this machine get the better of me and started poking around clicking this and poking that. I had my sister who actually is a professional computer Goddess on the phone walking me through some suggestions and I still could not figure out what the problem was. My sister has assured me that she can figure it out, but for some reason I still could not let the whole thing go and after hanging up with her clicked and poked around until I had myself twisted up in a technical knot.

This morning I woke up, pulled out my computer to write this blog and instead of the cheery tone and picture of my puppy princess Roxanne, I came face to face with a threatening black screen and the choice to click a restore and repair button or try to log on and possibly damage my computer. I slumped forward and let out a large frustrated puff of air and clicked the restore and repair option on the screen. Fortunately after a few minutes I was once again face to face with my puppy princess Roxanne and the option to log on…PHEW!

I still cannot log onto the ITunes Store, but for now I am going to leave the whole thing alone. I apparently cannot stop picking my computers scab and if I do not leave this alone I am going to have a bloody computer mess on my hands! Perhaps if I play my cards right, I can find some kind family member to down load the song I want on their account and load it on my IPod for me. Considering how stressful theses computer issues have been the last few days maybe they will have pity on me. I am just one big technical challenge.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

The Golden Nugget

I found a golden nugget yesterday. I cannot make a ring out of it and I cannot sell it for cash, but it is priceless. What I found was some wisdom and I would be crazy to not keep this wisdom.

You see throughout my whole life I have found golden nuggets of wisdom and right now I have a sizable collection. Even with the wisdom that I have I still make terrible mistakes and say things that I wish I had not. That is why each little nugget of insight or self reflection helps me to become the person I would like to be.

Recently I have watched as one of my children has struggled with troubles in her life and as I watched her make her way through those troubles I knew she was gathering golden nuggets too. The hardest part about gathering golden nuggets is that no one can hand them to you; you have to find them on your own. The golden nuggets that you are handed from friends and family usually do not have the right weight or consistency as the nuggets you lift from your own path. It is hard to watch someone you love struggle. It is even harder to know that you could somehow make things easier with your nuggets, but your own nuggets are not what they need.

I will forever have the nuggets of wisdom that I gathered on my own, no one can take them away from me. These are mine to do with as I wish. I have many golden nuggets that I turn over and over and think about everyday and others that sit as reminders. Some of my nuggets have sharp edges and poke me sometimes, while other nuggets have smooth edges from me returning to them and looking them over and rubbing them with my mind. My very fondest golden nuggets remain available at the top of the pile where I use their wisdoms everyday to say "I'm sorry" or "I made a mistake". There are even those times when some of my fondest nuggets help me realize how lucky I am to know what my wisdom is and continue to use it.

I found a golden nugget yesterday. The nugget is mine to keep and I am wiser for having it. My hope is that today you find nuggets of your own and keep them safe, because you just never know when you might need them.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Vegetable Medley


You might recall that my youngest, Avery, has decided to become a vegetarian. That would be fine if she actually invested in the idea by giving suggestions of things that she would like from the store and it would also help if she ate the food that I do prepare. The problem with this idea of hers is that she is already a picky eater and add to that the fact that she does not want to eat meat and you get a person that is going to end up starving to death.

 
Last night I made a delicious salad and served sliced chicken on the side for the rest of us to add to the salad. I watched as my daughter took a tiny scoop of salad and put it on her plate. "Avery, that is not going to be enough food to eat for dinner" I said to her in my Mom is worried and annoyed voice. She replied "I just want to try it first". So I added in my worried and annoyed voice, "Look, this vegetarian thing is not going to work if you do not eat, I need some idea what you want to eat." "I also need some kind of list of foods you will eat". With that my daughter folded her arms and became very pouty.

 
Look it is one thing when you are an adult and you make the choice to be vegetarian. You can shop for yourself and prepare what you want to eat, but when you spring it on your Mom and then look at her food presentations like they are poison, we have a problem. I am very close to telling her that she is going to just have to suck it up and eat around what I make for dinner, because it is no easy task trying to feed your family when you have one lone holdout. I am pretty sure that right now her main protein is coming from peanut butter.

 
My sister tells me that I am way more patient then she would be with this life choice of Avery's. Apparently, I should be telling her "this is dinner, make it work or figure out something else to eat." My issue is I was trying to support Avery's desire to become a vegetarian; the problem is that Avery is making no investment in her choice. I am the one worrying about whether she is eating enough protein or wondering what I should do to accommodate her vegetarianism at dinner time. Avery is just sitting by singing her vegetable medley and I am the one doing the strumming. It is obvious that something is going to have to give. It has been recommended that I just cook my dinner and if it does not work with Avery's new life style she will figure it out. My sister tells me that Avery will not starve and that I need to let her take the responsibility for her own food. Now that I sit here writing this, my brain storm is to have her plan and prepare a couple of meals and maybe she will see that this is no easy task. Hmn…I like that idea I think I will give it a try. If nothing else, I could give her money from our food budget and have her use that towards her own food. Hey, this is starting to get interesting, I think we will have to run this up the bean pole and see how it flies.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I’ve Got Nothing!

I have been comfortably seated in my writing perch for well over an hour and I have written nothing. It actually feels kind of good to have nothing pressing on my brain to come out. Today is going to be a day of cleaning and a small bit of grocery shopping with the cherry on top being another trip to Aly's doctor to see how her healing from her June surgery is coming along.

The rain and thunderstorms that have been predicted today seem to be at bay so I might even sit on my deck for another cup of coffee before I start my chores, or maybe even hold off on the coffee until the middle of my chores. Yep, that is the rebel in me coming out! I have longed for a day like today for months and now I have one and have no idea what to do with myself. So for today, "I got nothing" and I am ok with that.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Endurance


It has been on my dream board for a year now and yesterday after a summer of building my endurance I finally ran a 10K with my husband Mark. 10K is 6.2 miles and it has not been easy to get to this point, but I had set this goal for myself and I wanted to complete it. What made the goal even more attainable was that my husband, Mark latched on to my goal and he has been running with me and slowly helping me increase my endurance. Honestly, I am not sure I could have gotten to this point without him he has been by my side every step of the way.

 
Today is our 19th wedding anniversary and quite honestly I have to tell you that we have worked on our marriage endurance throughout our entire 19 years together. I have no doubt that every year from here forward will also require the same effort to stay strong and maintain our marriage. Each step we take together in our marriage has built our relationship and made it even stronger. Every challenge, every bad day and every good day has helped get us to the 19 year mark on our calendar.

 
I am blessed that 19 years ago Mark stood waiting for me at the end of the aisle in our church. He vowed to love, honor and cherish me and he also vowed to love and cherish my daughter Ashleigh as his own. He has never wavered from those vows. I am sure that there were times when Mark wondered what he had gotten himself into, but he continued to stand by our marriage even through the hard stuff.

 
There are not enough words to describe the love I have for my husband. Mark works hard to build me up and he continues to grow himself. Mark has an easy laugh and the ability to become frustrated at the drop of a hat. He has patience beyond words with me and my quick temper that burns hot and mellows quickly. We both scratch our heads some days wondering what drew us together, yet we cannot remember ever being without the other. These 19 years have gone quickly yet have at the same time seemed everlasting.

 
Having Mark by my side helped me reach my goal yesterday, but it also reminded me what a lucky lady I am and how with a little patience and a lot of work you can achieve just about anything even a solid life and marriage. Every day is not a bed of roses, we have our battles. Actually we have quite a few of them, but those battles are the bricks that have helped build what we have together. Yesterday we ran 10K, but 19 years ago today we began a marathon, Mark has been by my side he entire time and we have built the endurance to stay strong. I love you Mark!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

The Past Brings Presence

I was 25 years old and a single mother, I worked full time as an inventory clerk (40 hours a week) in a lumber yard and I was barely scraping by. My income from my job was so low I ended up finding an apartment in a HUD housing project. This felt like the lowest point for me at the time. I was struggling to make a good home for my daughter in a less than desirable environment and little did I know that my lowest point was about to get lower.

I was called into my store manager's office on a cold winter afternoon and I was told that due to slow sales they were going to have to cut my hours down to 35 hours a week. With that cut to my hours I realized I could not pay for childcare and my apartment and I had no idea what I might do. My parents had come over to visit and I was telling them about my job and my concerns and they offered up a solution. My Dad would renovate the basement of their house into a small living space and I could live in their home until my hours were reinstated and I got back on my feet.

This solution seemed like a dream come true, but my parents also offered up some guidelines.

  1. I would pay $35.00 a week CASH
  2. They would not babysit for me. I would have to hire one of my sisters or a friend to watch my daughter.
  3. I had to be home by 2:00 AM when I went out or I was not allowed in the house until later in the morning when everyone was up.
  4. I had to move out in one year.

The deal seemed tough, but I figured it was their house so it was their rules. I had no idea how tough it would be. I remember having a fight with my Mom one week because I wanted to pay her with a check and she got angry with me. I did not know what the big deal was, "It's just one week!" I also remember trying to find a babysitter that was comfortable sitting in my little basement apartment with my parents upstairs while I went out. Being home by 2:00 AM seems like an easy enough thing until you are out with your friends and they all want to go out to breakfast and at 25 you have to go home so you do not get locked out. Finally, moving out from anywhere when you really have no money is not as easy it sounds.

The other day as I was talking with my sister about the past I had a presence of mind. That time in my life was tough, but I learned a lot about myself and I learned it because my parents made me. When the time came for me to move out, my parents handed me an envelope with all the cash I had paid them over the months that I lived with them plus the one check I had written them. I learned that I had to count on myself and not lean on anyone else. It was my job as an adult to take care of my daughter and me. I learned that being out until 2:00 AM is not something a mother of a young daughter should do on a regular basis and finally I learned that when you have to you can do anything, you just have to put one foot in front of the other until you get where you need to be.

Reflecting on the past helps you see that where you have been is not as bad as it seemed at the time. You are stronger then you realize and your low is never as low as someone else's low. You can do just about anything when you try. In the middle of living you forget this stuff, you do not give yourself the credit you deserve to get through it all and you feel like giving up. DON'T, because in your past you will find your presence of mind.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Pressure Release Valves

This morning I had breakfast with a good friend of mine. As we sat and chatted I had an Ah Ha moment about how lucky I am to have such great friends. In addition to my Newsletter Moms group, I have various friends in many different phases of life. I have empty nester friends and friends with kids in different age and school levels and friends that are grandparents and even a few newly adopted friends of my Great Aunt Nina who are in their seventies and eighties. Each one of these friends brings a different life perspective to the table.

I have found that my time spent with these ladies helps me release a little pressure. It is great to sit and chat and hear about their lives and share about mine. Each friend brings in a point of view that I may not have considered previously. As we talk and chat over breakfast or lunch, dinner or drinks, I find myself laughing, sitting a little more comfortably and feeling a little more relaxed. When the visit is over I climb back in my car and smile to myself about how fortunate I am to know such great people and to be lucky enough to have each of them as friends.

I feel that everything in life happens for a reason and that every moment is a lesson. How great it is to have so many professors of life to draw strength and wisdom from. My heart is full of the blessings my life seems to unfold for me each day. I know that my life has many twists and turns and that some days it feels like it is twisted tighter than I can stand, but there is always a pressure release valve that I can call on.

Whether these friends realize it or not, they help get me through the toughest times. These friends also help me really enjoy the good times too. I will always be grateful to have such a strong circle of support and friendship. On their own, every one of them is amazing, but together they are each the best support a woman could ask for. Perspective is a blessing, but pressure release is amazing. I am certain I could not make it without it.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Saying Goodbye


A special trip we took a few years ago with Aunt Nina
to the Henry Ford Museum and the Chocolate Exhibit
In just a few hours I will step into the mausoleum and watch as Aunt Nina's ashes are interned into her vault at the cemetery. I have a short reading prepared and I am planning a short prayer to share with the very small group that will be there, and then I will say good-bye. It is time to release Aunt Nina and move on. There is a memorial luncheon I am planning for her birthday at the end of the month, but for now I will make this step forward and lay her ashes to rest.

 
It was about a month ago when we put my Aunt's ashes in the pretty gold box. At the time I just wanted to get her out of my hall closet and some place secure. It felt so disrespectful to have her sitting in a bag at the bottom of my hall closet and my hope was that placing her in an urn would help give me a feeling of closure. I was wrong.

 
I find myself playing and replaying all of the choices I have made on my Aunt's behalf. Some I am proud of and some I am not. Some choices I feel were easy to make and some were not. As time goes on I am realizing that I have done so much more than she would have expected yet I still find myself riddled with guilt and frustration over the things that did not play out like I had hoped.

 
As things have unfolded in my life over the last few weeks I have felt that somehow my mistakes with my Aunt's estate have created a bad karma. I have thought perhaps my choices (while not all bad) had caused events to happen that would be a punishment. I have struggled with how to wiggle out from under the weight of these presumed punishments and all I can come up with is to just make my way through them.

 
I had a conversation the other day that I keep replaying in my mind, where I said "Life is messy!" "Things happen to people everyday messy things and good things; you just have to make your way through them". These last two years of loss are attempting to take their toll on me. People have died and people that I care about are leaving my life and all I can do is wade through the messy stuff just like everyone else has to do. I suspect that perhaps instead of bad karma, what is happening is just plain old life and I am stuck smack in the middle of the messy section.

 
Today, I will release Aunt Nina's earth bound ashes and remember her for her kindness when she gave it and her rough spots for what it taught me and I will say good-bye. I plan to pray for her peace and the joy that she must have now that she has been called to be with her family. I also plan to ask her forgiveness that things did not work out just like she had hoped and ask her to know that I worked hard and tried hard to make sure that she was honored for her life. I will also pray for forgiveness for my presumed mistakes and misjudgments and hopefully I will then move a little closer to the end of my messy section and settle into knowing that life must go on even after you say good-bye.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Routines

Everyone is up, showering, dressing, making lunches and eating breakfast. We are in our back-to-school routine. I am personally hiding out in my bedroom with my computer trying not to add another layer to what is happening in my kitchen and dining room and bathroom. I have found in the past that if I insert myself into the routine I tend to want to "help" and quite honestly that never ends well.

So, here I sit with my dog at my side under the covers hiding (she has been trained to avoid the craziness as well). We are both trained to try our best to be out of the routine; however Roxanne will cave if she hears the pretzel bag open, because she knows that she will end up with a yummy early morning treat if she shows up wagging her tail. I have been trained to keep my tail securely out of firing range.

I have had to convince myself that my children are old enough and smart enough to pack a decent lunch and eat a healthy breakfast without my assistance. I even went so far as to discuss this topic with my children at dinner last night. You will recall I have my new vegetarian to contend with and I felt it important to remind her that (in a maternal way of course) she was limited in her selection and to be healthy and wise. It is hard to be a vegetarian when you already eat a limited amount of food. I have had to throw my hands up and just hope for the best. I really want to take worrying about whether my teenagers have eaten off my routine list.

Aly shared with me yesterday that she thinks she is a "Fat Ass" because at her lunch table yesterday all her friends were making fun of her because she was taking so long to eat. When I asked what they were eating she said "Two had granola bars, one had a cookie and another had a Slim Fast." I explained that just because she ate a healthy lunch and took her time eating it did not mean she was overweight. I also explained to her that perhaps there might be tables at lunch with friends that make her feel good about herself instead of mocking her. That particular suggestion was ignored apparently these are the only "friends" she has during her lunch time.

I will see how my hideout works for this week and if all goes well I might even run and hide there after I get the low down from the school day. That way I do not have to be referee for whatever sibling issues come up. They had both been so excited to be in the same choir class this year and I found out at dinner that when Avery arrived in class she sat next to Aly and Aly told her "Don't sit there!" this turned into a tug of war of words at my dinner table about hurt feelings and what each had said and did not say. I can see this once celebrated event not playing well on and off through the remainder of the year ahead. Perhaps we might have to adopt some kind of no sensitive issues clause at the dinner table. Honestly that routine would not work well for me, because dinner seems to be when I open my big mouth and bring up a topic that stirs somebody up.

Now that I think about it, maybe I would be smart to just remain in my bed whenever my family is home. I could have them knock to speak with me and slip messages under the door. Roxanne and I could sneak out of the bedroom, when no one is home, for food and other necessities. No, that's crazy, I need to stick up for my turf…I just do not want to start that first thing in the morning. I will stay the course with this plan that is in place for as long as it works. I might even roll in a ball under the covers with Roxanne. Maybe if I am lucky Roxanne will bring me a pretzel.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Transitions


Avery and Aly first day of school September 6, 2011
It's happening and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Life is changing and I will have to change too if I want to keep up. After a busy weekend I find myself home alone. The girls started school this morning, Avery heading into her sophomore year and Aly into her senior year. The house is quiet and I find myself reflecting on the changes ahead. My once tidy house is topsy turvey and I keep looking at the tidbits of mess and keep thinking "I will worry about that later", right now I just want to revel in the quiet.

 
It has been a few weeks since I received the news that my oldest daughter Ashleigh has left her husband and is planning to divorce. I hesitated to share the news because my heart had hoped that she would change her mind, but she has told me she will not and my heart is so sad. I did not see this coming, I love my son-in-law, but I did not live with him and I do not know what happened behind their closed doors that could have damaged them both so much. Mark and I encouraged them both to seek help and to hang in there, but we both know now that we must leave this in their hands. We can only worry about our own marriage. We both know that there is no perfect marriage nor is there a perfect mate, there is only two imperfect people joined together making their way the best they can. Our choices and our life are our own and we know we must focus on that and let our children work through their own choices. That is what makes each of us who we are.

 
Aly being a senior brings a new batch of transition to the table as we work with her to apply to colleges and plot out the course she would like her life to take from here. We are all excited and apprehensive. Aly wants to make the right choice for college but struggles with wondering what that right choice is and Mark and I must once again stand aside and let one of our children decide what is best for them.

 
Avery announced yesterday that she wants to be a vegetarian. While I find her decision admirable, the fact that she likes just a few vegetables and considers peanut butter and jelly sandwiches a sustaining food choice makes me worry about whether this is an appropriate choice for her right now. I am going to humor her and encourage this life choice as best I can, but at some point we may have to have a talk about good health and healthy choices. At least for now I can try to have some say in my youngest daughter's decision making. In the end she will eat what she wants, but her health and well being are my main concern.

 
I have three girls and they are each in the throes of life choices that are their own. Stepping aside and letting them live out these choices is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am a fixer, I like to help and I like to give my opinion and my advice, but those days of my girls doing what I say or even really caring what I think are pretty much over. Life is happening and changing and there is nothing I can do but sit back and enjoy this quiet for a little while. Soon, very soon in fact all three will be moving in the world and I will still be here reveling in the quiet wishing I could give just one last piece of advice.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Brown Eyed Birthday


Today is my oldest daughter Ashleigh's birthday. 28 years ago today at approximately 3:00 PM Ashleigh entered this word with her eyes WIDE open. I remember when the nurse asked me "Do you want to see your baby?" They brought Ashleigh towards me and she was staring with the biggest brown eyes I had ever seen, they were beautiful.

 
Time has marched on since that day. Every birthday has been another wonderful reminder of how fortunate I am to be her Mom. God has given me the gift of opportunity to share and receive love with my brown eyed beauty. We have traveled some difficult paths together and we have had lots of fun together too.

 
This mothering thing is not easy, sometimes I am good at it and sometimes not so much, but the one thing I know for sure is that watching your children's wings unfold and seeing them step into their own lives is what is the most satisfying. Ashleigh has the wings and she can now decide what to do with them. I hope that she lifts with the wind and sails to new heights. Happy Birthday Ashleigh, I love you!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Where I Am Suppose to Be





Here I am this is me
Where I am suppose to be
It feels so hard some days I know not why
I wonder often how I will get by
This path I follow is long with turns
My heart is open and continually yearns
I long for understanding of what my life means
Yet I know that my purpose is more then it seems.
What seems simple and meaningless to me
Could very well be where I am suppose to be
I am here for a reason, a season, a time
What I do, how I do it, is all part of life's rhyme
I may never know what Thee wants for me
But I trust and have faith
This is me and I am where I am suppose to be

Ragen Beadle September 1, 2011