The Victim

They can be a family member or friend, but we all know one. Anything that happens seems to affect them. You say something and they take it wrong or twist it to mean something different then intended. The victim tends to see slights where none are and they are diligent about making sure that others know how victimized they are. They are not private people because if they kept quiet and handled life as it comes, how would anyone know that they are a victim.

When things are slow and the victim is feeling like the attention on them is slowing down, they attack. They quietly start poking at the one person they know they are certain to antagonize. Generally it is someone that they have built up as the "problem" they convince soft hearted people that if it was not for this "problem" person everything would be OK. They gather support from people by telling stories where the information is shared in a way that insures that they remain the victim.

In the past my victim has accepted my help and used me and then when I was no longer convenient, turned on me and accused me (to others but not to my face) of being the latest tormenter. I spent many years trying to make things right, turning the other cheek and even pretending that it was no big deal, even attempting to grin and bear the accusations while this victim continued their work, drawing in well intentioned unsuspecting people.

Here is what I have learned. No one changes unless they want to. People continue to be destructive, thoughtless and hurtful and refuse to learn until they have no one left to blame but themselves. You cannot change anyone but yourself and if your gut is telling you this is not a good person or a good situation believe it and walk away. It is not always easy and it is definitely not always convenient to walk away, but go.

The more this victim is allowed to insert themselves into your life and wreck havoc on your thoughts and feelings the more power they have over you and the less power you have. You should know going in that not everyone will see this person the way you do. Some people will feel bad for this person and say things like "poor so and so" and "it's such a shame about so and so" and my favorite "It's so unfair how these things ALWAYS happen to so and so", but knowing what I know about the victim, I do not feel badly at all.

We all have choices to make. Life is all about choices; it is what you do with all of those choices that will make the difference. My choice is that I am unwilling to allow a victim to take control. I have no interest in being the victims, victim. As long as being a victim continues to work for them they are going to keep at it, but that does not mean we have to stick around and take the blame.