Todays picture is from our trip last summer to Colorado, I love the cross glowing in the mountians!
As I sit here this morning turning yesterday around in my head I struggle to find words. I watched my 3 sisters and I just knew I would never fit in. Now that my Dad is gone there will be no reason for us to gather. I could feel the tension and disappointment they all felt in each other and in me and I realized there was nothing I could do about it. These feelings are just bricks in a pathway that started many years ago. In a way it feels like we never grew up. I wish things could be different, but I am not sure that is possible. I am certain that yesterday is probably one of the last times we will all be together at one time, there is no reason now. My heart hurts with sadness over everything that has happened in the last year. Sad hurtful things that at times brought us together and then later pulled us a part again. I think that the tug of war has worn all of us out.
I keep replaying moments from yesterday, how so and so did not speak to me, or how what's his name made a snarly face when I went to give him a hug. Even how it felt like my Dad's brothers seemed like they were mad at me. Some of these memories might be accurate, and some may not, but it all goes in my minds blender and when it comes out it is just a huge pitcher full of hurt that I just want to pour out and be rid of. I just need a glass of peace and calm mixed with a little bit of normal (whatever normal is). Maybe normal is getting the lawn mowed. It could also look like me reminding my girls to get their homework done or even just spending some time with my kids and husband. Whatever normal is, I am ready for it.
I think I did all the right things yesterday, I hugged "The Woman's" mom and told her I was sorry for her lose. I asked her to share my condolences with her daughter. I mingled with family and friends and I tried to make small talk with people that had little or no interest in me. Then I climbed in my car with my family and started to head to my new life without either of my parents. It does not matter that I did not see eye to eye with them now, it does not even matter that my Dad made stupid, selfish choices this last year of his life. All that matters is that I have my own family to raise. Children that need me and a husband that loves me. I am not alone, I have love in my life and life must go on.
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