Day 257 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo is of my mom and me 1999

Today I struggle to focus. I want to write about cute family antidotes, which never end here, but all I can do is to continue to be amazed at how hurtful people can be. I am constantly on alert for the other shoe to drop. At a time when all of my family is sad for the loss of my Dad, we are also dealing with a woman who is going through what was my Mom's home telling my sisters what they can and cannot have for themselves and for me.

 When my youngest sister called yesterday to ask what I would want from the house I told her that it was hard right now, and she said "Ragen, we have been through a lot down here and we still have to keep going, just tell me what you can think of and we will get it." I remembered a doll that my Mom had bought when I was about 19 or 20. It was a doll created in the likeness of an old Norman Rockwell picture. It was a little girl with a red beret and holding a teddy bear being examined by a doctor. My Mom told me at the time she had bought the little porcelain doll, because it reminded her of me when I was a little girl. I told Kelie that I wanted that doll. She asked the "woman" about the doll and she told Kelie "No, I am keeping that, I am keeping all of the Norman Rockwell items, your Dad and I had already decided that". I lost it; Kelie kept talking saying "OK, well I guess that is staying what else?" At that point I just started mentioning anything I could think, since I am not allowed in the house ever again, I figured I best remember whatever I could and get it out of there.

 There is furniture that was my Great Grandmothers and quilts that she made, there are paintings and pictures and so many more items that were from my Mom's family that I wish I could touch or just go through, but I can't. There are items that I would love my children to have that would be beautiful heirlooms. I do not need all of these things or even necessarily want everything, but now I feel that I do not want her to have or touch things she knows nothing about. I am sad that instead of remember the good times with my Dad; I am focused on the hurt. I am wondering what turned his heart and made him make the decisions that he made over the last year and a half that have left my sisters and me frustrated and hurt.

 It hurts me so much and yet I know that my sisters are in the middle of it down there and they are hurting ten times more than I am. I cannot let all that is happening turn my heart and make me bitter, I have to continue to remember that this too shall pass. I must also focus on the love of my wonderful husband and beautiful children. Somewhere inside of me I must find my Mom self and get her back.