As I sat writing yesterday morning, I kept looking down from my sanctuary on my deck, at the garden below. The garden was just not as pretty as it once was. It had a very long time since I had worked in my garden. I have put down mulch and pulled a weed here and there, but really adjusting things and tidying up has not happened in a while.
Last summer after my Mom passed away I really lost interest in a lot of things. It really surprised me. My Mom and I were not that close, our relationship was odd. Why would I have such deep feelings of loss? We did not talk often or check in with each other on a regular basis, yet when she died it hit me hard. Some of it was sadness over what could have been. Some of it was her being gone and some of my sadness was for how lonely and sad the last few years of her life were. I was mourning my Mom and within my mourning I lost a piece of myself. I found myself saying "I wish I could be me again".
Yesterday morning as I gazed at my garden something clicked. I finished my writing, got up from my perch in my sanctuary on the deck and went down to my garden. I started small. I found an old bird cage and draped a wondering vine around it like a miniature trellis. Next I started pulling out some pesky grass that was growing where it did not belong. Suddenly I found myself holding a claw type rake and pulling up the rocks around my garden and cleaning up the grass that was taking them over too. I was feeling like me again. Next I made my way to the house and started cleaning my patio doors and enjoying the feeling of being busy. I was not sitting in a lump reflecting, I was moving and it felt wonderful. As I dressed for a cousin's graduation party, I found myself dressing with more ease then I had felt in a long time. It felt as if I had stepped into the sun and had just removed my sweater. The weight was lifted. I had found me.
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