Day 296 The Perfect Mom Project

When I was a very little girl, my Mom and I lived with my Grandparents. I would say we lived with them for at least the first five years of my life. Then on and off during elementary school and middle school until my Mom sent me to a program that was to help me with my "emotional problems" . I look back now as I raise my own children and two things come to mind. First, most of the issues I had were created by the life I was living and second, I wonder how hard it was to decide to send me away.


Living with my Grandparents was a lonely life for a little girl. I did not have any children nearby to play with. I spent hours making up games and playing by myself. I never really knew how lonely I was until I explained to Mark one day about how I used to play with the fish flies. Mark just looked at me like I was pathetic. Fish flies are weird creatures. They have long skinny buddies with wings that stick up on their back. They only live a few short hours and then they just die right where they have landed. I remember the streets in the area where my grandparents lived covered with these dead smelly bugs. Maybe the name came from the fact that they smelled like dead fish. I would pick them up by their wings and put them in groups and talk with them. It was a game that I looked forward to every year. I had no idea how sad and lonely it was until I shared this with Mark.


Over the weekend, as I cleaned the windows on my patio doors, I discovered a fish fly. They are not common for this area and it really did surprise me. One fish fly, randomly perched on my patio door. I could not help but feel like it was a message from my Grandma and Grandaddy or maybe even my Mom. I feel like they are out there watching me and guiding me through these last few months. There is a song that Aly and Avery sang at my Moms memorial service, it was "The Climb" by a popular singer, Miley Cyrus. I hear that song at the most unusual times these days, and I cannot help but wonder when I hear it if it is my Mom just letting me know that she is out there. Now, here is this random fish fly, where did it come from?


Maybe, I am a little disturbed for thinking that my family is trying to communicate with me through smelly fish flies and random songs, but somehow it puts me at peace. I feel like maybe Mom and I still have hope. Perhaps, the love she could not share in life is pouring from her now. Even if I am making this entire thing up and no one is out there trying to speak to me, I do not care. This is helping me heal the hurt and sadness I have felt for a long time.