Well, I have put this off long enough, I have to just tell you, my Dad got married on Sunday. I was sad all day that day, feeling like I was watching a train barreling down a tunnel. I am not sure that I have words in me to explain how I feel, but I will try.
If my Dad had met this woman even just a few months ago, after my Mom died it would hurt me, but I would understand his loneliness and learn to accept this. I just feel like my Mom has been swept aside and there is no room in his heart left for the person she was. I look at the sudden changes in his home and the things that he suddenly finds entertaining that he never liked before, and I think to myself , "Who are you?" Why the rush to change who you are? I have no answers, only hundreds and hundreds of questions.
My Aunt Nina snapped at me when I went to visit her after my trip down to New Orleans for Thanksgiving, I was talking about my dad and she said "Do not call him that, he is not your Dad!" The problem is, that he is the only father figure I have ever had and I care very much for his girls, who I call my sisters. It seems like a gift with two pieces and you only like one of the pieces, would you give back one part of the gift, or keep the whole thing and make it work?
Why the rush to get married? Here he is so sick and weak and not really thinking clearly and he is making major changes to his life. Why? I have watched my parents pour all kinds of things into the holes in their lives over the years and nothing has filled the holes up. They have had Motor homes, built houses and bought boats, in ground swimming pools, Cadillac's and sports cars and 5000 square foot homes and none of it has ever seemed to fill the very deep cavern of their lives. I worry that this rush to wed, is another scoop to fill this bottomless hole, and to what end, since your family is just getting pushed farther and farther away.
Who is the victim here? Is it the new wife, or is it my Dad? Who convinced who that all of this turmoil is a good idea right now? My Dad kept saying to us when we were there at Thanksgiving, "I deserve to be happy don't I?" That really troubled me, because I do not think being happy is a right. I think being happy is something we all work on everyday. Scraping it out in the trenches of life and hoping that at the end of the day you got it right. Happiness is not something that you can make happen to you, happiness is part of your willing and open heart to accept everything you have going on in your life. You do not get bonus tickets like at a carnival that you add up and pick a prize with. Um, lets see...giant stuffed dog or happiness? Gosh I cannot decide!
The only word that keeps coming up for me and my sisters is...SAD...not happy, just plain sad. We have a right to be happy too, don't we? So how do we do that now? I am going to just focus on my wonderful husband and beautiful children. I will spend every last one of my breaths making sure that my family never has to struggle with even a fraction of the questions I have. I will pray each day for the wisdom and guidance to be the best person, mother and wife I can possibly be. I will also just enjoy every minute of the life that has been laid before me, with no expectation that I deserve anything. I would say in the end that will be the best answer to any questions that I have.
My family wants the old less worried and sad version of me back, and I intend to give it to them, just as long as I do not have to wrap it. For the record, I am kind of tired of wrapping!
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