I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason. I think that we are always where we need to be and that God guides us to each path we walk, so that we can learn and grow. Sometimes that path is a quick short walk, and other times the path is a long road seemingly going no where. Either path that is set before us brings us in and out of contact with other peoples lives, these people can touch us or teach us, and we do the same for them. Sometimes it is hard to tell who is helping who. I always tell my kids when they are in a difficult situation to take some time to work through it, because otherwise the lesson will be put in front of you again.
With that being said, I am still trying to figure out who helped who yesterday. I went to get my hair cut at the salon I have been going to for many years. The woman that cuts my hair and I had an immediate bond from the moment I walked in the door there 12 years ago. Although she is about 15 years younger then me, we have had similar experiences with our Mom's as we grew up and we have talked about this often. One thing that we have always talked about, was the frustration we felt with our Mom's and how we wished our relationships with our Mom's could be different. We both have struggled with how to raise our own children as well as wanting to be a better mom then our mom's had been. Both of us have suffered from physical and emotional abuse at the hands of our mothers, along with other traumatic experiences that have shaped who we are.
As we talked yesterday, I mentioned to my friend how much I was missing my Mom this Christmas. I told her that Christmas was always my Mom's favorite time of year and every detail had to be perfect. Even though my Mom was not always aware of the Christmas holiday in the last years of her life, I always knew she was still here and still part of my life. Last year I could use phrases like "my Mom always..." , now this year I use phrases like "My Mom used to...". This has made each little thing that I do that was carried forward from my Mom seem larger then life and somewhat surreal. I find myself missing her and crying often.
My friend shared with me that she had struggled that morning with her young son. He had been spinning around and had gotten his baby sister spinning around as my friend was trying to talk to their caregiver. She suddenly became overwhelmed by the commotion and the difficulty of trying to talk with the kids all ramped up and she snapped. She shared that she grabbed her son as he spun by and as she reached out got a hold of his hair. She yelled at him to settle down, and he ran off. When she went to talk to him about what happened, he told her he was scared to come out. At that moment she became upset, because she has worked so hard to be a better Mom then what she had, and she felt like she had let her son down.
I told her how I had a similar experience when my girls were little and it upset me in the same way. You want so much to be evolved and together with your kids, and every so often something dark sneaks in and you snap. I remember having the same reactions that she did and feeling tremendous guilt that I had hurt my child and let them down. There is always this feeling that you have to be better then that. It is a huge pressure that weighs on you everyday. My friend said, she had always wanted to be the perfect mom, and at that point I smiled at her and said "Thus the Perfect Mom blog!" I get it, you work so hard to be a good mom, or great mom, or even a perfect mom, and one moment and one mistake seems to take it away. We are all struggling to be good mom's, it is just that for some of us it feels like we have so much to overcome first.
When you think about it though, I am missing my Mom this Christmas despite our past together, because she was my Mom. Even on her worst day, she is still the person that gave me life, a sense of humor and even some of the gifts and talents that I have. She will always be the one that was there for most of my firsts in life. I worked hard to get what little she offered me, yet I still miss her and wish that I could talk to her. I always felt like we were one conversation away from healing our relationship. She will always be "Mom" and I will always love her for that in spite of everything.
That is what my friend and I shared with each other yesterday, we let each other know that we were not alone, that as women we all struggle with our picture of what a "good mom" truly is. The best part is that as women we can talk to each other and share our experiences and every so often help each other through a rough spot. Whether it is dealing with our mom's, or dealing with being a mom it is all part of the life and path that God has set before us and it is up to us to make it the best walk we can.
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