As if I was not already frustrated enough, as I wrote my blog this morning, I accidentally deleted it. I will try to recreate my thoughts for the second time, but I have to say that I am more on edge and less thoughtful then I was with the original post!
I am struggling to get my Christmas spirit this year. Avery and I were out running some errands yesterday afternoon and the song Where Are You Christmas? came on the radio. I had to stop for a moment and listen to the words of the song, it was like listening to my thoughts pour out of the radio. I am not my usual Christmas self, I have no gift lists made, or even any interest in baking holiday goodies. I am even struggling with wanting to shop. I have been out and purchased a few gifts, but my heart is not in it.
Mark suggested this morning that it is because the girls are getting older. The magic and excitment that they once had for Christmas is gone. Without their excitement and enthusiasm, Mark thinks that I am lost. I am not so sure that is the issue. I am sure that some of my lack luster attitude has to do with the girls being older,but I do not think that it accounts for the whole problem. We missed the local tree lighting this year, where Santa rides in on the town fire truck. The girls are just to old to find that exciting anymore. I missed my annual day after Thanksgiving shopping with my girlfriend and our family's crazy tradition of watching the movie "White Christmas" after we decorate the tree. Most of all I am missing my Mom. I am not sure why, she has been out of the holiday picture for many years, but there is something about the finality of it that has me reeling.
Honestly, the last few minutes, I have been pounding on the desk with what I thought was anger about my blog writing disappearing, but my anger was inappropriate for what had happened. The more I sit in this anger the more I realize that everything that I have been keeping inside is coming out. I want to let all the events with my Dad go. I know in my heart that this is all in God's hands and that is where it should be, but my head is full of things that just make me MAD! Real MAD, crazy MAD. My family does not deserve this. I am amazed that one person can hurt so many. This is the domino principal in action!
Tonight,is our annual Holiday Progressive dinner with three couples who are close friends of ours. This is our forth year and the talk is that everyone is on board to keep it going. I hope that time with friends talking and laughing will help ignite some holiday cheer in me. I also hope that my desk pounding, cry fest has helped cleanse my mind a little bit. The saying goes that when you hit bottom, there is no where but up. With that in mind, I should get my "butt up" and go work on my salad course for this evening. It is time to...
Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la la la la la!
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