Last night as I was reviewing my emails, one of my sisters had sent me a link to look over some of her family pictures. As I was scrolling through them I was smiling and thinking how pretty she was, how cute her son is, nice picture of him and his then fiance at their college graduation and then BAM! There was a picture of my Dad with his girlfriend (fiance, AGH!). I was not expecting that and it really took me back.
I suddenly became so upset, I could feel this hostility towards the girlfriend pumping its way through my body. The worst part is for some reason, I could not get the picture off the screen. I had brought the photos up on my own photo program, and I suddenly could not figure out how to get rid of it. I was literally in a state of panic. It would be like having a bug you did not want on you, "get it off, GET IT OFF!" Mark was trying to help and I was losing it. As I think about it this morning I keep thinking...What the heck was that about? All I know is that I was feeling pretty good, ready to move forward and suddenly the whole thing was in my face again.
Reality is that I will probably being seeing this face for some time to come, and I have to let it go. This is not going to be easy. I was padding along happy as a clam buried in the sand and someone came along and dug me up. Facing reality is easier said then done. I want to go back and finish looking at the photos today, and I know I am going to see that picture again. I have decided it was probably shell shock and if I keep exposing myself to the photo it will be easier to see. I am not sure if that will work in the same way if I actually have to be in the same room with her again, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.
In the mean time I have to continue to focus on my Christmas energy, because I am so excited to have it back and I do not want to lose it. We are in the final week of school before Christmas break starts and it is always a busy week for all of us. For me just trying to get all of the girls shopping and wrapping done before they are here with me all day! The best part of this week will be Friday, when Mark has the day off and we can spend it together. I look forward to this every year! I will just continue to remind myself to keep my eye on the prize and enjoy my family and not worry about all that other nonsense right now. I have all of next year to deal with that. In a little way I feel like Scarlet in Gone With The Wind..."I will think about that tomorrow!"
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