Today, I am a little slow getting going. My brain just does not want to think about another thing. Last night being the first night this week that I did not need to rush dinner and then rush out of the house was nice. However, Mark worked late, so we have yet to have a real conversation this week. The closest we came to a conversation was when we emailed back and forth yesterday about some bills that I was paying online. I am hoping that this evening, once the yard work is done, that we can spend a little time together. Both girls are planning to go to the high school football game, so it sounds like we might have some time alone. I like that idea a lot!
Talking about the football game brings to mind the next stress item on my mothering list HOMECOMING! It is way past time to look for "THE DRESS", Aly has advised me. I pulled out a beautiful dress that her sister wore when she was in high school, but she is not 100% on board with that. She likes the color, but it is a long dress and she would like a short dress in that color. I know that having her own dress for this dance would be awesome, but my wallet is not willing to cooperate!
I am willing to do some dress shopping, but I do not want to get into a disagreement about the style of the dress, or the color of the dress, or worst of all, the cost of the dress. I just want the Party Dress Fairy to swoop down and drop "THE" dress and save me. I know it is not likely, but a girl can dream can't she?
Honestly, the things that used to excite me, like shopping for the dresses and the activities the girls are involved in, and even the school activities do nothing for me. I have become this blob! I feel my head trying to work something out, but I am not privy to what it is yet. All I know is that I am going through the motions of being a Good Mom everyday, but my heart is not in it. Actually that could be said for my life over all.
I used to plan all kinds of things for the kids to do, and encourage them to have friends over and run them hither and yon. Now, not so much. I think Avery has asked every week for someone to spend the night and I am just not into it. Honestly, having a friend overnight is no big deal. Something so small yet it feels so big to me right now.
I have had people tell me that when they lost their Mom it took them at least 6 months to get back to their old selves. I am only on Month 5, and it is not looking like the grief is nearing an end. I can only imagine what the grief is like for people that actually had a relationship with their Mom. Perhaps it is more difficult for me, because we did not have a close relationship. Whatever it is, I hope that I can plug my way through this without doing to much damage to my relationships with family and friends. I know it has been touch and go so far. Hopefully they will all hang on and be there on the other side.
In the mean time, I have a daughter who needs a dress. I will have to "put on my big girl pants" as I like to say and make it happen for her. That is the one thing about motherhood, you have to put you aside sometimes and look at the bigger picture. Someday I want my daughters to remember that I was there when they needed me. Even in the dress hunting trenches and the basement sleepovers, I took one for the team!
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