My Mom was a single mother, she was divorced from my father when I was about 11 months old. My relationship with my Mom through out my childhood and adolescents was very volatile. I had so much pent up anger and hostility that I would react with extremes about almost everything. At the age of 14, my Mom put me in a adolescent program in New York that was to help me deal with my "issues" and make me a better person. She thought that this was the last shot she had at helping a very troubled person. It was the only real effort that she ever made. I actually lived apart from my Mom until I was about 20 and then I lived with her for only a couple of years...not happily I will add.
Being sent away at 14 only made me feel even worse about myself. I had no self esteem anyway,(thanks in part to acne and having moved about 20 times since I was born) and I never really felt like my Mom loved me. This act that she felt was to help me actually made things worse. I have struggled most of my life with getting too close with people, because they will leave me or decide I am not good enough anymore. I do have more self esteem now then when I was 14, but that has been years in the making. I have pushed myself to try new things, so that I could push out my boundaries and find things that I am good at. I really do not remember being told I was good at anything as a child or having the opportunity to try things.
My Mom was not a nurturing person, I can only guess that that was because my Grandma was not and that was probably because my Great Grandmother was not. Even as an adult she really never called me or invited me shopping, we were not friends. I do not think I was someone she liked very much. I am sure she loved me the best she could, and I know later in her life she had regrets about our relationship, but we never really talked about it, which I am sorry for. I think that might have brought both of us some peace.
I bring these things up today, because I hope it will explain my constant analyses of my mothering style. Once I had my first daughter I was determined to be different. I have never considered myself a particularly good mother, I have however thought about being a good mom a lot! Now that I am in the throws of the teen years with my last two daughters, I feel them shaking my family tree. There is a lot of emotions that I feel everyday when I recognise things in them or myself that remind me of my relationship with my Mom. Some days it is just the pure frustration I once felt trying to talk to my Mom. This is a topic for tomorrow, in the mean time I think I will go hug my girls, I think we all need it!
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