I have been avoiding my Great Aunt Nina. I know it sounds harsh to avoid a 92 year old woman that is in a nursing home. It seems like since she decided not to go to the assisted living community, I have been unable to talk to her or see her. I am not angry with her, just extremely frustrated. I have no idea what to say to her. I have talked to her on and off since all of the discussion about the possible move (to an assisted living community), but not everyday like I used to do.
I think part of it is frustration, and part of it is irritation. Mark and I have spent hours and hours trying to make sure she is comfortable and happy for the last three years. When Aunt Nina became angry with me and started speaking to me in sharp rude tones (because I was investigating something positive for her), I was hurt. This was not some crazy scheme I had cooked up to hurt her. I had gone to this particular place, at her request. A couple of her friends had mentioned this community, as well as the nursing home social worker and the home care company coordinator. I was shocked how hurtful she became towards me.
Right now I feel like a creature hiding in my underground home trying to protect myself. I can feel myself emotionally recoiled for protection. I have no idea when this will subside, or if it will. As I spoke to Aunt Nina last week she mentioned she hoped to see me soon, and I made a noncommittal response. I am not sure I want to put myself out there for her to hurt anymore. I have a friend who is going through a similar situation with her Mom, and she has told me that we are all once an adult and twice a child. Meaning that as we age we regress back to a more child like personality. As she told me this, I became defensive. Why should I accept this behavior from my Aunt? She might be 92 and regressing, but that does not mean that I should expect or accept mistreatment.
Her constantly saying I want to die is bugging me too. She has said it enough, that I am wondering if she really just says it for the shock value. I can tell you that she has chosen to live like she does now, sitting in a wheelchair in her nursing home room with no television. She has some visitors including her aide/companion that we hired three years ago when all of this began. She keeps insisting on the choices that she is making, and I have lost interest in helping her do anything else. I do not want to work on something better anymore. I know this sounds heartless, and in some ways it is, because my heart is not in this relationship these days. My heart is hidden away protected. I am not sure that my relationship with my Aunt will ever be the same. I once thought of her as the family voice of reason, and now I think of her as a giant crabby pain in the neck.
I am storing away this feeling and this experience as a lesson. I do not want to cause my family this stress and anxiety when my regression age begins. I want to be open to my family helping me live a full life up until the time God brings me home. Perhaps that is why this has been put in front of me now. Whatever the reason is that this lesson is before me, I just want to move through it and come out the other side. My heart is being one/two punched between my Aunt and my Dad and I feel like a punching bag. I hope that I can hold on and get back to the person I was just a short time ago. I almost feel like filing a missing person report. Missing, one semi good, but not quite perfect Mom!
Please contact the family if you have any information about her where abouts…
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