Oh where oh where has Ragen gone,
Oh where oh where can she be?
I am feeling like I am not there today, kind of foggy, and kind of crabby too. I have been trying to keep myself out of this all week. I could feel it coming and I could not stop it. I feel unimportant and underappreciated by everyone! 
There are so many people with expectations of how I should be to them and for them. I have an elderly Great Aunt who just wants to die and she is doing everything she can to be miserable. Everything we try to do to make her life pleasant and comfortable she does not want. She is annoyed if I don’t call and then she is annoyed when I don’t visit, yet when I do call or I do visit she compares me to all the other people that call her or visit. We have kept her in a nursing home near where she lived, she likes it there and it is easy for her friends to get to. It is a 40 minute drive both ways for me. I never tell her that, because I do not want to use that as an excuse, but I do have a hard time jumping in the car and using my time and gas so that I can be aggravated and unappreciated!
My Dad has made choices that have been very painful for me. I am beyond the red line on the Hurt-O-Meter. How do you continue to care about someone that has no regard for your thoughts or feelings? How do I continue to be the person that I know I am when I am faced with such open disregard for my feelings? It has been obvious in my conversations with my Dad that he has absolutely no idea that he is hurting me, and if he does know that he is, he just does not care. That is the most obvious, he just does not care. I know that he is terminally ill, and I want to get to a place where I can let this go and forgive him, but I am truly struggling with that.
I have family that wants our family to be with them on Christmas Day, and they are unwilling to understand our side of the holidays and what we need for our family too. We have to accommodate the needs of our family as we all grow and change and the only way to do that is to change how we do our Christmas. I feel we are being judged and treated rudely, because we will not back down on this. My children feel this discomfort and it is making them feel badly. Recently there were some comments made in front of my younger girls, the girls told Mark and me later, that it made them very uncomfortable. I wish that we could talk about this and come to an understanding, but after several years of this frustration, I am just hurt and angry, and I am guessing that that is how our family feels too. When does this end? When do we call a truce?
Now as I write this I am fuming because, Avery came down to ask me what shoes I thought she should wear tomorrow on a bus trip for school. I told her I thought she should wear her tennis shoes. She said “No, I want to wear my boots!” (You know the ones; they are the fashion boots that are too small for her). Here we were once again in a debate of “Why did you ask me, if you already know what you want to wear?” I feel like screaming and running out of here, I am so aggravated! I am pedaling this mothering bike as fast as I can and I am still stuck in this same spot. Agggghhh!
I need a break in this storm, some peek of sunshine. I need to find myself and be happy but I feel like I keep getting the one, two punch. I am not sure what today will bring, but I am sure that something has to give and quick. I can only take so much and then like a whale at sea, I blow! I had to warn Avery that this was not a good day to be pushing my buttons, and warned her to high tail it upstairs for her own safety. Fortunately she took me seriously. I think that today will be a tough day in the trenches of perfect mothering.
No comments:
Post a Comment