Day 142 The Perfect Mom Project

This is a crazy week. It is a good crazy, not a bad crazy, but crazy none the less.

Today I will have lunch with my sisters. We will meet about two hours from where I live and have lunch and visit and eventually I am sure we will talk about my Dad. I am looking forward to our visit, but not looking forward to talking about my Dad. This will not be an easy conversation. I am still feeling very angry about the “new wife” and I cannot even bring myself to call him. One of my sisters suggested that I just call and talk about my kids and what they have going on, but I am not sure I can even do that right now.

In the last couple of weeks, both of the younger girls have had situations where they have heard about lung Cancer at school. Avery came home last week and told me how difficult health class was, because they were talking about smoking and lung Cancer in her class. She was upset because she knew her Papa was sick with lung Cancer, but now she has seen what it looked like and she was devastated. Then yesterday Aly climbed into the car when I picked her up after school and she told me how upsetting it had been in her Choral class when the teacher discussed good lung heath for your voice and the subject of the throat, esophagus and lungs came up and then of course, Cancer.

I have tried to explain to both girls that Papa is fighting a battle with Cancer. The doctors have told him he will most likely die from Cancer; it is just a matter of when. The hard part; is in the middle of all of this they have seen and met some of the bad choices he has made. They feel like they suddenly do not matter, and I have no way to explain it away. They received cards from him for Christmas and they were signed by his new wife, and along with her name she signed them “Poppa” not Papa, this really upset them. Aly’s card had her name spelled wrong, which is another mistake my dad would not have made. They feel like she is not a part of what they know and they are hurt. I did tell Aly I thought it was amazing that he thought of them even though he is so sick.

In the middle of all of this, my oldest daughter has received nothing for Christmas, and she is hurt too. My Dad sent Ashleigh a doll (my Mom made when she was little) for her birthday last September, and Ashleigh was (and still is) trying to recover from my Mom’s passing. She felt at the time that considering that he was seeing someone else when my Mom was still alive, he was punching her in the stomach. She has not been able to acknowledge she even received the gift and my Dad is hurt. I tried to explain to him that she is still struggling with all of this, but he does not understand. So, I guess his way of dealing with it is to hurt her some more and not send her anything for Christmas.

I am not sure how to explain to my children why all of this is happening. I just know that I have to prepare them for the fact that he is going to die. When he goes, we cannot dwell on his mistakes, we have to think about what our life with him brought to us. I do think that in every relationship we have we are part of God’s plan. Sometimes it is us that will learn and grow and sometimes we are the ones that are touching someone else’s life. Whatever the plan is we are a part of it.

Today, I will enjoy my time with my sisters and reflect on that time and joy. Somewhere in this day there will be a chance to reflect on all that has happened and find a piece of hope, something that I can share with my girls, to help them understand this journey and help it make some sense.