About three days ago I went to visit an assisted living community. After my Aunt Nina said that she wanted to go home I had contacted the care company that employs her aide and also the social worker at the care facility she is at now. Everyone has told me she needs full time care if she goes home, but for some reason she cannot get this through her grey haired head! I thought I would check out this assisted living community to give a positive option to the nursing home. She really does not need all the care she is receiving there at the nursing home, but she does need someone available to her at all times.
Both the care company and the social worker recommended the assiated living place I went to, on top of the fact that one of her friends suggested it, because it was only five minutes from her friend’s house. I felt that since everyone had suggested it without me mentioning this particular place to any of them, that that was a good sign. Off I went…it was beautiful! Everything about it was wonderful; the place was clean, quiet and homey. The staff was dressed in everyday clothing, not uniforms and everyone greeted me warmly. As they took me on the tour, I knew that this was “THE” place, but I also knew that Aunt Nina would not go for it. I set it up so that her aide/companion could bring her over for lunch the next day; I wanted her to at least see another option.
She did not like it, no shock to me really, but I was disappointed. I had hoped I would be wrong and she would love it. She had a long list of (stupid) reasons why she did not like it there, “The lighting is insufficient” or “it was too nice” and my favorite “I would never come out of my room”. She is just not willing to do anything to make her last little bit of time on this earth better and enjoyable. She even said a couple of times, “I just want to die”. I tried to explain to her that she will be here for a while longer and that she did not get to pick when she will go. Now, she has decided to stay at the more expensive nursing home. At first I was hurt and frustrated; I really did not know what to say to her. She has started being short and snippy with me and I feel unappreciated for what Mark and I have done for her for the last three years. It also feels like she is blaming me because she needs full time care. Of course, Mark is still wonderful.
Honestly, my emotional plate is pretty full right now. Trying to please her is obviously not working, so I have decided to just do what I need to do to keep her comfortable and not worry about it anymore. I am tired of her throwing her complaints in my face when she is not willing to do anything to make her life better. I cannot let her inability to move forward in her life affect the life I have. Just because she is 92, does not mean that life and joy have to stop, that was her decision. She will have to live with that choice. I am only responsible for the everyday workings of her life, not her emotional life. Obviously, she does not want my help with that.
I have always told the kids to celebrate every moment they can. There are numerous opportunities to celebrate and these times are what make every other day livable! I wish I could help Aunt Nina see that each day holds another opportunity for joy and happiness, but she can only see that her husband and daughter have passed on and she feels she has nothing left to live for. I disagree with her, but I cannot change her or her feelings. That is too bad, because I would love to hand her some happiness, but I know she will not take it.
I will take this handful of happiness and share it with my family today. I want to use it to help them see that life is not over until God says so, in my opinion, that means we are expected to keep working at it until he calls us home. I am certain that is what we are supposed to do and I intend to help my children see that, so that they can squeeze every drop out of each day they have!
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