Yesterday afternoon my sister called. She had talked to my Dad’s new wife and the news was not good. She called to share with me what she had heard. My Dad has been put on a stronger Chemo regime; the hope was it would slow what is a very active cancer. A couple of weeks ago the decision was made to up the Chemo when some new lumps were discovered on his other hip. As the new wife (that phrase is very difficult for me to use) spoke with my sister she told her that they had just discovered more lumps under his arms yesterday. We both feel this is not a good sign and wonder when Dad will decide to stop the treatments.
I feel like I am letting him down by not being more optimistic. I know his words are full steam ahead, damn the torpedoes, but I wonder what his heart is truly saying. My Dad is not someone who will ever let his guard down. It is rare that he lets on that he has a weakness, or that he even needs help with anything. Even when he was caring for my Mom, I had said that I felt we should talk about what was going on with my Mom and what we could do, and he had told me it was none of my business. He always holds his cards close to his vest and shares very little. I am suspicious that he might not be telling us everything that he knows about his condition.
Within all the struggles I have had with his choices and decisions the last few months, stands a small voice telling me to be open hearted and kind. Despite all that I am feeling, I still should be caring and concerned. If I turn by heart and my back on my Dad now, what will it buy me? What do I get out of being hurtful and distant? I know that I cannot go back and change any of the things that have happened in the last few months, although I truly wish I could. My reality is that I have more to consider here then just my Dad. I have my children who are struggling with all of this and I also have my sisters, who while they are not my blood relatives, they are part of the life I have been living and I need them as much as I hope they need me.
In the next month or so, we are going to know more about how this new treatment is working for my Dad and I hope that it slows the Cancer down for him. But my biggest prayer is that I can keep my heart open. I owe that to my children and my sisters. I still struggle with what I owe my Dad; the hurt does not seem to be dissipating. I will have to continue to listen to that small voice inside of me and pray that I am doing the right thing for myself as well as my Dad.
Todays photo is from a visit with my parents in 2005
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