Day 148 The Perfect Mom Project

I am in a funk. Its not depression, I have had plenty of that in the past and I know the difference. It feels like I have extra weight in my feet and some kind of sludge in my heart, and my brain is processing more slowly. When I speak, I feel like I am not saying what I mean. I feel like it would be best if I just sit quietly until this funk passes.


I have been in this funk for about a week or so. I am able to keep going it has not caused me to give up carpools or Taxi rides. I have still done laundry and cleaned my house but in the middle of it all I feel like I am searching for myself. I had several opportunities last week to meet with girlfriends and each time I would walk away wishing I had not said this or that, or that I had maybe even just sat more quietly and observed. I can feel that my mind is working on something, and I just do not know what it is.

Yesterday as my girls prepared to spend the afternoon with their Grandparents (Mark’s Mom and Dad), they started their fashion show for us, you know the one where they ask us if what they are wearing is OK, and then yell at us when we say “not really”! Once again, even though I know the drill I fell into the trap. But instead of just dealing with it and moving on, I was caught in the grip of anger and could not let it go. I was not upset, I was angry! It was inappropriate anger for what was going on, and I knew it. I was hearing myself being angry and saying angry things, and I kept wanting to stop and couldn’t. I was just stuck in this place and not able to get out.

As I look outside this morning, the weather is projecting what I am feeling inside. No real commitment to any weather pattern, just cold, dark and gray. I want out, I need out of this, but what will it take? I am spending the day with Ashleigh, Aly and Avery today. We are going to do some shopping and relaxing together. I am hoping that maybe this down time with no real agenda will help snap me out of this, but since I do not know what has snapped me into it I can only wait and see if it works. One thing is for sure. I always enjoy time with my girls…as long as they do not ask me “How do I look?”