I turned on the radio yesterday and there was an interviewer talking with a teen vogue blog editor. She writes a teen relationship column and was talking about a variety of relationships. One being mother and daughter. She also mentioned that most girls struggle with being "good". Girls are always trying to fit into the good category, or behave so to speak. Teen girls biggest issues are fitting in, being liked and worrying about being good.
This editor suggested that teen girls worry so much, when their mom does something out of the ordinary, because it embarrasses them. Something as simple as sending back food because it is cold can put a teenage girl into a tail spin, because it is embarrassing. The teen girl perceives it as not normal and drawing attention to them is like creating trouble. This apparently is very uncomfortable for most teen girls, being called out as different in any way. The editor recommended that moms do their daughters a favor and keep it up, because it helps them feel comfortable speaking up for themselves later in life. They are not worried later when they are older about speaking out, because it was modeled for them by their mom. They learn from their moms how to behave when they get older, so if we cave in and try not to embarrass them they will be more uncomfortable later being who they really are.
First of all, PHEW! That makes me feel a lot better, because I come from a long line of moms who modeled speaking their mind. I actually feel pretty good that I have daughters (if they are watching closely enough) who will be prepared to take on just about anything with confidence. Second of all I thought about how lucky I have been to have that gift of self care. I am not really sure how I got it, but I have it and I am glad. I have always been good about knowing my needs and trying to take care of myself. I know when to speak up (sometimes I don't know when to shut up), I know how to get what I need, and I also know that when you are faced with a confrontation either hostile or not. You should always leave the other person still respecting you (that part I have figured out late in life).
This is a huge leap for a person that in her early adult life did not have the confidence to walk into a restaurant alone. I basically was a walking advertisement for personal discomfort. If just being myself will help my girls have more confidence later then dog gone it, I am going to do it. You know…this perfect mom thing, might be coming back to me. Oh, that's right, the other thing this woman said was that we as moms need to stop living the illusion that we must be perfect, it is unobtainable and it makes the fantasy live on in our girls. Then they struggle with how to be a perfect mom and there is no such thing. Great, now she tells me! Well, don't worry, I do not care what she says, I am still going to plug away at this project of mine. I am too far into it to give it up now. I do know that I run the chance of perpetuating the myth of perfect momdom, but I am committed to this project and I want to teach my girls about following through. I know what you are thinking…what a great (not perfect) mom, right?
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