Two things ran through my mind,
1. Now what…
2. Why doesn’t he ever call me?
Now what do I do; do I go see him or do I wait? Now what will he do? Now what will happen when he is gone? Now what do I say to my kids? I have so many questions and very few answers. All the questions come back to one place for me, another question, where do I fit in this picture?
In my heart I know why I do not hear from my Dad. I believe that I have always been the thorn in his side. I do not “go along” with him and humor him or flatter him. I am not (and never have been) someone that tolerates arrogance. I have never pretended to agree with him when I do not. I have opposed him on things that he was adamant about, one of those things being my Moms care. I did not jump on the “good for you” train when he told me he was seeing someone while my Mom was alive. Basically, (as a family member said of me lately), I do not play the game.
That being said, it is time to put all of that aside. It is no longer about me, because God willing I still have a glorious life to live. It is about being true to who I am yet honoring a man who is dying. He will not change who he is now. He will not suddenly find a spot in his heart and love me unconditionally. He will never be what I wish he was. He will just be Dad. My Dad; the only Dad I have ever had. When he does leave this earth to be wrapped in Gods loving arms, he will leave to me the gift of sisters. That will be my treasure, the light in the darkness.
As I was contemplating all of this yesterday a friend posted this poem on Facebook. I believe absolutely everything happens for a reason, and I felt that this was no accident. I hope you will take the time to read it. It responded to the final question I have pondered the last few months…why me?
When You're Asking 'Why Me?' Remember This ...
________________________________________
Sometimes people come into your life
and you know right away that they were meant to be there,
they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson
or help figure out who you are or who you want to become.
You never know who these people may be;
your roommate, your neighbor, professor, long lost friend, love or even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them,
you know that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.
And sometimes things happen to you
and at the time they seem horrible, painful and unfair,
but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles
you would never have realized your potential, strength, will power of heart.
Everything happens for a reason.
Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck.
Illness, injury, love, lost moments or true greatness and sheer stupidity
all occur to test the limits of the soul.
Without these small tests,
if they be events, illnesses or relationships,
life would be like a smooth paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.
Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless.
The people you meet who affect your life and successes and downfalls you experience, they are the ones who create who you are.
Even the bad experience can be learned from...
Those lessons are the hardest and probably the most important ones.
If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them,
for they have helped you learn about trust
and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart.
If someone loves you,
love them back unconditionally,
not only because they love you,
but because they are teaching you to love
and opening your heart and eyes to things
you would have never seen or felt without them.
Make every day count.
Appreciate every moment
and take from it everything that you possibly can,
for you may never be able to experience it again.
Talk to people you have never talked to before,
and actually listen,
let yourself fall in love,
break free and set your sights high.
You can make of your life anything you wish.
Create your own life and then go out and live it!
~~ From author Craig Lock ~~
Originally posted on Bellaonline.com
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