Today is a one dog day; Louis my Granddog has gone home to his family. Roxanne and I miss his company very much, but we know he is happy sleeping in his own bed and cuddling with his Mom and Dad.
Well, I am on round two of antibiotics. I am still fighting some sort of infection in my lungs so I went back to my doctor to try to get this nasty crud out of me. I am hoping by the time I finish the medicine on day seven I will be over and done with this mess. It really is cramping my style. I am tired again which makes it tough to accomplish a whole lot around my house. Even yesterday I was worn out after Aly and I finished our shopping excursion. The weather has turned spring like early this year and I would love to be out walking and enjoying the warmer temperatures, but instead you can usually find me plopped somewhere in my comfy clothes or jammies. I just want the real me back.
Since I am updating on past blogs, I should also talk about the news I received about my Dad yesterday. My youngest sister called and told me that she had talked to my Dad yesterday. He had a CT scan on Monday and his doctor called to tell him that the Cancer is growing and not shrinking from the chemotherapy. His Cancer is now spread in his lung and diaphragm, and there is also Cancer in his liver. There will be another CT scan next week on his legs and back. He has had some problems with his legs and there is some issue with blood clots. Over all, my sister feels that my Dad has only a few weeks left of life and I find myself wanting to go see him. This is another reason why I would like to get healthy. I cannot go see him right now when I have this infection. I would not want to take the chance of him getting something from me. I do not believe, that what I have is something that I can pass along, but I want to be safe, not sorry.
I have mailed his birthday blog to him (Day 192) in hopes that he will read it and know that I care about him and love him. My sister shared with me yesterday that he was still feeling like his money was more of a concern then he was. He is still harboring anger from the meeting we had when we were there at Thanksgiving. He feels we embarrassed him by speaking out about our feelings. I feel that the air had to be cleared and whatever feelings all of us had should come out. I do not believe in sweeping anything under the rug, or pretending that everything is OK when it is not. The only one that would benefit is the person that is making decisions that we do not agree with. I know my Dad is very sick and I know he will die, but I cannot stand in the lie that what happened at Thanksgiving or even everything over the last year is OK with me. I was hurt and sad and his choices contributed to that, so at the time I feel it was important to clear the air.
Time will be the only healer now. There are things that are best left unsaid and knowing that time is limited I want to focus on the positive. Over the days, weeks and years I will have to continue to sort this out on my own. One thing I know for sure is that I am glad I stood in my own truth. It may have been embarrassing for my Dad, but he created the mess and if he was embarrassed it was of his own making. I have no regrets.
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