Last year at this time, I was planning my first of two visits to see my Mom. My Dad had called and said that my Mom's time was short and that if I did not come see her I would regret it. There is such irony that here I am almost exactly a year later, in the middle of the same situation with my Dad. The difference this time is that realistically, my Dad and I have a very small emotional connection, if we have any at all.
My struggle now is this; if I went to see him, who would it help? He has built a new life for himself in a very short time. He has swept all of his girls out of the picture (literally) and adopted the lifestyle of the woman he married. While two of my sisters were there recently he pulled each aside to tell them how embarrassed he was at their behavior during the family meeting over Thanksgiving and I am still waiting for the call, I know will never come about the copy of the blog I wrote about him.
I am hurt that all of our family photos have been piled in a room and the door has been closed. If I am hurt then how must my sisters feel? At least I saw it coming, I have spent my whole life jumping up and down trying to get the love and attention that I needed from my Mom and then I added my Dad to the list once they married. Nothing has ever changed. After years and years of therapy I am finally able to move on from that need. My Dad has moved on too.
I have no doubt that his anger at my sisters is minuet compared to his anger with me. I did not jump on board his, "I am in love and I deserve to be a happy" crazy train. I did not pacify his conscience with comforting understanding of his need to be happy or his new wife, that he married fifteen seconds after my Mom was cremated. I have always believed happiness is a choice not a right. How dare he prance around claiming he has a right to happiness as if no one else does. He is embarrassed because of us? PLEASE! Perhaps a long hard look in the mirror of his choices would straighten that out. I think his embarrassment is pointing in the wrong direction. I think that my Dad and his new wife are the ones that should be embarrassed.
Finally, I know that my attempt at reaching out to him will not be acknowledged. That is not who he is. Even now with his life coming to a close, he cannot seem to reach out to any of us, let alone me. I do not expect him to understand me now, that would be a big ah ha moment and it would fly in the face of his "right" to be happy. At this point in our relationship, I can only stand by and pray for him. I pray that he will die peacefully. I pray that he finds his way to the light. I pray that he knows at the end that love conquers all things and that if not to me, that he at least reaches out to his other children and shows them the love and grace they deserve from him. Mostly, I pray that his heart is turned and that he can see that God is there ready and waiting for him if he would just reach out with an open and unexpecting heart.
I will not be going to see him. I will love him for his part in my life. I will pray for him, but I will not put myself in the middle of this mess he has created. I did that last year for my Mom and it almost crushed the life out of me. Now with all the dynamics that are in play it would most certainly destroy me. I will continue to call him for as long as he will accept my calls; that is something I can do. I may not like his choices or his behavior, but I will show him grace and love, because that is the right thing to do. I will continue to ponder the irony of the path his life is taking now. I feel God at work here, so I will step aside and let him work his wonders. Time is short, but there is sweetness at the end if my Dad would just reach out for it. I am not the judge, I am the servant. Maybe by continuing to show grace to my Dad, I can help do Gods work. Basically, it is all in God's hands now.
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