I completely lost it yesterday. The thread that I was hanging from unraveled and I had nothing left to hang on to. I probably undid 216 days of this project. There is no use even explaining it all, all I can say is it was not pretty. After trying to hold it together, all it took was trying to get my family to start getting their stuff together for our upcoming trip and BAM, my tension ratcheted up and I lost it.
I just did not want one more thing to do. I do not want to be dealing with what they are bringing and what they need, 4 days before, or even (typically) 1 day before we go. I just want them all set, and I do not want to worry about it. Every time I look at my plate right now it is full. I cannot handle one more thing and yet my life just does not get it, because somehow I must squeeze more on the plate. I am going to have to get a platter to put everything on. It seems so silly that something as simple as getting my family to pack for a trip would unravel my thread. Perhaps it is just a symptom of the bigger problem. I am overwhelmed.
All I care about now is how do I fix this emotional mess I have made? Mark tells me we need to have a family meeting and discuss each family member's responsibilities for getting ready to go. He wants everyone to take care of themselves, and then all of the other items we will disburse at the meeting. Alright, that sounds good, but what about my issue with feeling like I have to make sure everyone is all set? What about the fact that I am the Mom and my job is taking care of everyone? At least, that is what I have been telling myself for the last 26 some odd years of parenting that I have had. I am starting to wonder if some of the mom rules I have for myself grew out of the fantasy of what a Mom should be like. My own Mom was not the example of mothering that I used, I can only assume that I have taken bits and pieces from friend's moms and maybe even TV moms to create the monster you have before you now. Then again I did use my mom as an example of what I did not want to be as a mom. Now, I have this huge mom mess on my hands.
Well, I will just have to ride this wave and see where I end up. I have 148 days left to fix this mess and maybe finish as a perfect mom. It's not looking good at this point though. I am just hoping that I can at least end up with kids that know I have tried my best. If I am lucky my girls might even want to use some of my parenting moves someday. Now I just need to work on me, because I just do not feel that good about myself right now.
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