Day 196 The Perfect Mom Project

Since Wednesday when I wrote about my Dad on his birthday, I have been trying to decide if I should send a copy of that day's blog to him. The feeling of what to do intensified yesterday when one of my sisters called to say that her family and our youngest sister were in New Orleans as a surprise to Dad for his birthday. She did not want me to be hurt that I wasn't contacted about the trip, it was very last minute and when they were talking about it my youngest sister said that I had already told her I would not be able to go right now. That fact was true, not only have we a limited budget because of our family trip we have planned, but I have been fighting who knows what and I do not want to take any illness down to him. Honestly though, I am sad I was not there.

I know that they were planning a party for him and I would have loved to have been there and be a part of the celebration. Part of me feels a little left out and that makes me sad. The other part of me knows that that is their Dad through and through and they need and deserve every minute they can carve out with him. I will always be the odd man out and just a little black sheep like. There are so many dynamics swirling around this whole situation, that it makes THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW, seem like a family reunion. I care about him (Dad), but I also still have the scars from the hurt he has caused. I have forgiven him, but I also know that I am still wounded, and a little piece of the wound stung when I got the call that they were all visiting and I was not included.

All of these feelings swirling around made me think that I should just go ahead and send him a copy of my blog from his birthday so that he can at least read how I feel. I could never say any of that to him directly, so this would be my way of sharing my heart with him. My concern has been how he will take it when he reads it. Will it help him understand that I do love and care about him, or will it just be disregarded as trivial nonsense, which has happened so many times between us about things that matter a great deal to me. My final decision was to just take a leap of faith and believe the best. I am sending him the blog with pure and heartfelt intentions. If he takes it any other way, I cannot control that. I have to just put my feelings out into the universe and ride the wave. At this moment it is more important to me that I share with him that I care then it is that he really believe it. In the end, the Greater judgment of my intentions will be what matters.

Todays photo is from a 2002 visit to New Orleans to visit my parents