Day 99 The Perfect Mom Project

I was doing pretty well yesterday morning. I was happy to be home and I was also glad that the whole trip was behind me. I am not sure what happened, but about mid afternoon I had an anxiety attack. I had already promised Avery I would go to the movies with her, so I did that, but when I got home, I was not right in the head.

I am suddenly feeling stress about this garbage all over again. I am living on the edge of my nerves and I do not like the feeling. Everything is bugging me. This must be some kind of post traumatic stress disorder. I keep worrying that after I left on Saturday, my family sat around down in New Orleans talking about me and saying mean things. I also worry that I will not be able to get more of my Mom's things from the house before The Girlfriend gets rid of them. She already has put everything in a room and shut the door. What happens if my Dad gets really weak and she decides to put him in a room and shut the door?

I have to focus! I have laundry to do, food to shop for and children to transport today. I do not have time to play As The Family Turns right now. I hope that I can make a detour and readjust my thinking so that I can get on with my day. It is so hard not to get caught up in all of this and want to fix it. The truth is, this is not something I can control, and the sooner I release that fantasy the better off I will be.

It surprises me how much destruction one person can do to so many. It also amazes me that the person causing the destruction stands in the middle of it surveys the damage and instead of seeing destruction, sees something good. I think that is what stumps me the most. A while back one of my sisters was telling me that this all reminded her of when our parents got together. It was the same situation. My Dad was newly divorced, hooked up with my Mom and although the girls said they were not ready for it, they married anyway, causing one sister to run away and the other two to struggle to grow up within a home that they were no longer comfortable or happy in. My sisters response to my outrage and frustration about all of the current events was "Welcome to the family, now you know how we felt!" Yep, I sure do!!

Over all I know that in the next few days I will get back into my life and focus on my kids and husband. I just hope that it happens sooner rather then later. I want to feel the holiday spirit that is all around me. I want to enjoy my family time and my alone time with out some random frustrating angry thought floating through. I want to adjust my thinking and detour back to focusing on what matters the most...my family here at home.

98 The Perfect Mom Project

Home at last!! After our long drive we are all happy to be home. It was great to sleep in our own beds and make a yummy pot of coffee this morning. This last few days was a whirlwind. All we want today is to relax and step back into the lives we have here at home. It is good to have had some rest. It is also good to wake up and not have a slice of dysfunction waiting on my plate.

Trying to guide my kids through this last few days was not easy. I had to talk to them about things that they really do not need to know, but were caught in the middle of. This family trip will not go down as an all time favorite for my children. They were happy to see and spend time with their cousins that live down in Louisiana, but there really was not a lot for them to do down there (with the limited time we had) and The Girlfriend showed absolutely no interest in the children.

Aly has asked to go spend the afternoon with girlfriends today. She says that she just wants to hang out with her girlfriends and feel normal. I understand that completely. Normal feels real good right now. Even as I struggle here to be a good Mom and raise my children to be good people, I think I am leaps and bounds ahead of my Dad's parenting skills. I like that (thanks to the events of the last few days) I actually feel like I am normal.

Avery and I are going to go see New Moon today. I think a movie about Vampires, love and violence will be quite relaxing if you compare it to the last few days of our lives. I think I might have met my own version of a vampire down in Louisiana. She is petite not especially attractive and instead of sucking blood, she is sucking money out of my Dad. I think I will enjoy the movie much more then real life.

Mark is sitting in the big easy chair drinking coffee with his feet up, which is a great place for a wonderful husband to be after supporting me through the last few days. No words can begin to show him the depth of my love and appreciation. He can sit there all day, and I will not say one word about it.

I do hope at some point this evening that we can all gather together and put our ornaments on our Christmas tree. It is time to start preparing for Christmas. None of us even feel like it is the holiday, but we are going to try to pull a rabbit out of a hat and be festive. I am not sure that I will be back on track for a few more days. I have a lot of information in my head that I am going to have to sort out. I am just so happy to be home to sort it all out. I am also happy to have my Mom's ashes here to care for and respect. She deserves it!

It is good to be home to rest and prepare for the week ahead. It is great to have this wonderful family around me. It is awesome to be able to say, I may not be perfect, but I like who I am. Now my job will be to convince my kids. Wish me luck!

Day 97 The Perfect Mom Project

On the road again! We left New Orleans at 3:30 this morning, we are all ready to be home. To much anxiety and stress, not enough fun. I wish I could say it was worth it, but I am just not sure. We do have my Mom's ashes with us, which was a goal I had, so that is a plus. It will be good to put her to rest with some dignity. Something about my Mom hanging out in my Dad's love nest really bugged the heck out of me!

So, lets talk about the Big Meeting" ARGH!! For someone who says he wants all of us to be closer, I would say that my Dad is doing his best to drive us apart. I actually said that during the meeting. I told him that this was driving a wedge between all of us. The whole way he is handling this makes everyone feel like they are the odd man out. Reality is we all are, he has moved on. His house is cleansed of all family photos and all of the things that he and my mother shared are shoved into rooms with the doors closed. And do not get me started on the Elvis shrine that replaced the area upstairs where my parents had all of their family photos from when they were young. I am serious about the shrine complete with long tall glass candles and Elvis's picture on black velvet. Who are you and what have you done with my Dad?

Back to the meeting...as I spoke about the wedge that was between all of us now, I commented that I did not think it was fair to his biological children if no one else that he was leaving half of his estate to someone that had only been in his life a short time. At this point, [The Girlfriend] speaks and says "I took care of your Mother!" Mark then told her "Don't go there", then one of my brother-in-laws said, "You got paid for that!". I realized that my best course of action was to show grace and be quiet. This woman had no idea what she had helped do to this family, and if she did have an idea, she did not care. I have a pretty good feeling that her and her family have jumped on the gravy train.

Basically,my Dad is going to do what he wants, and has found a way around my Mom's trust. He did say during the meeting that he was sorry he had not exercised his Power of Attorney and dissolved her trust while she was still alive. Here is where I thought to myself..."he has lost his mind and he thinks he is King now". So no one had to sign anything, because he manipulated everything to work for him. Do not worry about your crumbling family. You know the people that have been in your life from 27 to 42 years, no biggie its all good. By the way, it makes it real hard to focus on your Cancer and you getting healthy when you treat us like rugs you can shake out and toss.

Emotion has been running high for three days, and I just want to go home. I want to sleep in my bed, pet my cats and dog and be NORMAL! I want to spend some quality time with my girls and husband who have all been great support the last few days. I even want to go grocery shopping and buy some bread and lunch supplies. I guess a few days away from home even at their worst is motivation for a mom. Eight hours of driving left to go and I have to say this is the first vacation (OK not really a vacation) that I am more excited about going home then I was about getting there.

Day 96 The Perfect Mom Project

Check! That is one challenge off my list for the week. I cannot begin to describe the emotions I felt yesterday. I wanted to grab each one of my sisters and hug them, they are all struggling with what is happening here and none of them seem able to talk about it. What my parents have always considered a down fall of mine seems to be paying off. That is the fact that I have to talk about everything!

A while back I joked about my decision rotation. This is where I take something I have decided and turn it over in my head reanalysing it over and over to make sure that I am thinking and doing the right thing. I also do that with with my life in general. I spend a lot of time looking at what is happening and talking about it with Mark and my circle of friends. This has saved me in the last few weeks. Talking with people has helped me set in place how I will respond to the events of this week. It has made me stronger knowing that family and friends are there listening and praying.

I am not sure my sisters have that in their lives, I hope they do. I have reached out as best I can, but we are all looking at what is happening through different lenses. My lens is my Mom. She was not a great Mom, but she was the Mom that God wanted me to have. It was part of his plan for me, so I need to honor that. Today, I will honor her and speak for her as the family gathers to hear what my Dad has up his sleeve. I am very concerned that he is not thinking in his right mind.

It will just be good to know exactly what he is up to, so we can finally deal with the truth. It will be nice to finally see and hear his plan. I know that for me it will take what I have been worrying about for weeks out of my mind and into reality. That will be a blessing. Many times what we worry about is much worse then reality. We shall see.

Day 95 The Perfect Mom Project

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

OK, for the record, I can think of at least 50 different ways to spend a day then sitting around listening to my Dad tell me how he had no idea my Mom had been showing signs of Alzheimer's disease. I also would like to understand why he thinks it is a good idea to tell me that all of my Mom's things are in a room upstairs and if I want any of them, I should load them in my car. Well, hello to you too.

My expectation is that today is going to be like walking through Hell. Watching people I do not know sitting around what was my Mom's house, eating off of my Mom's dishes, is not my idea of a good time. I know I am going to see and hear things in the next two days that will challenge me as a person. I want to feel on my game, but right now I just feel like I am watching a family self destruct. Dad having Cancer is enough of a challenge, but when you add all these other issues (girlfriend, wills, and who to trust)into the mix, you are looking at a recipe for disaster.

I have to keep reminding myself that my kids will never have to live through anything like this. The dysfunction that started generations ago is coming to an end, and in the big picture, that is what matters most. I may not be a perfect mom, but I am happy with the mom that I am. I hope that my children will be happy in the end too.

My goal here continues to be honoring my Mom, being there for my sisters and trying not to yell at my Dad to please stop saying negative things about my Mom, so that he can make what he is doing now seem OK. I am not his judge and never intend to be his judge. This fiasco is between him and the Heavenly Father. Nothing he says to me now will change his fate. If he wants to explain anything, I would recommend he get on his knees, I see a real long conversation ahead for him.

Day 94 The Perfect Mom Project

ROAD TRIP! I am writing to you today from the road. We have been driving most of the night, minus a stop along the way for a nap. It is now 8:00 AM and we are in Mississippi.

We had a couple of scary moments, when the cars electrical system completely shut down. We were at a rest area in Alabama, and as Mark went to start the car, everything went black. EEK! After several minutes of phone conversation with one of my sisters that is road tripping too, Mark lifted the hood and jiggled some wires and TA DA, everything was back up and running. We have been very jumpy ever since. Once we get to New Orleans we will have a variety of relatives to check it out and tell us what we should do. That should be fun.

At this point I am feeling pretty good, very little anxiety, but maybe not having much sleep has made me this way. Perhaps I will stay up the entire time I am in New Orleans. On the other hand Mark would have to carry me everywhere and prop me up in various positions, because I would not have the energy to move myself.

The girls are holding up well. No major disagreements so far. They were watching a movie last night (on the portable DVD player)and laughing so much that it made Mark and me laugh too. We have also talked with the girls about how difficult it will be to see their Papa. Mark and I have warned them that with him as sick as he is, he will not look the same. We do not want them to be unprepared. We have also told them that they can talk with us about anything and we will answer them as best we can. We do not want this trip to upset them. Actually, I do not want it (the trip)to upset me either, but I am prepared for anything at this point.

We should be near my Dad's home in about 2 1/2 hours, we will have some breakfast, freshen up, and go to see him and "The Girlfriend" before we head to our hotel. Finally, the weeks of stress and worry are about to play out. Please stand by!

Day 93 The Perfect Mom Project

Well, I went to the doctor yesterday, and big shock...I had the flu. He has put me on some medicine to help get me back on track for the trip to New Orleans. I seriously thought that I had an animal jammed into my sinuses! I could not breath through my nose at all, I sounded like Darth Vader. I am extremely stressed, because I am not on my game for our trip this week. I usually have snacks packed and the car ready to go. I will be lucky if I get myself in the car.

That being said, Mark has really been working hard to try to keep the house running smoothly. Yesterday he left work early to go and get my prescription filled. I was still running a low grade fever and looked like something the cat dragged in. I was certain that everyone would run out of the pharmacy if I went in to get my prescription. Once Mark got back with the prescription he handed it to me and we both realized it was the wrong thing. The doctor had written the prescription for cough medicine, not the antibiotic I had been expecting. AARRGGH, now we had to call the doctor and Mark had to go back out to get the right stuff. I am sure that Mark will be delighted when I am back on track and he can take off the Mom hat.

Everyone here is filled with anxiety. Some of it I am sure is caused by my own anxiety, OK it is all from my anxiety, I admit it. I think it is a combination of not being prepared like I like to be, and not knowing what to expect once I get down south. Once I actually shower and get myself ready to go today, I hope that I feel a little more prepared for the trip. I need to run and get some road snacks and do a few last minute errands before we leave. Hopefully the showering and activity will kick my Mom butt back into action. I would cross my fingers, but that would only slow me down.

The girls are packed, but I have no idea what they have in their suitcases, I just hope that everyone remembers undies. I have not been able to nag them like I usually do, so who knows, maybe they can handle this all by themselves. That would be a really nice surprise, on the one hand and a little sad on the other hand. What if they do not need me anymore? What would I write about? How to be a perfect Mom to kids who do not need you? Maybe, I am getting ahead of myself, I will wait and see how all this plays out over the next few days.

Day 92 The Perfect Mom Project

I am trying very hard to be motivated. I still do not feel well, but I feel a little better then yesterday. I will take that as a good sign. My biggest concern is that I have a lot to do to get ready to go see my Dad, and I do not have what it takes to get that done in me right now. Mainly I need to pack. Not such a big deal really, but normally when we travel, I have snacks and water and I have encouraged everyone to pack things to do in the car. Honestly, everything I have said to my family in the last couple of days has sounded like grunts. I can tell you that grunting at your family does not motivate them!

Mark has been great the last couple of days. He has been trying to attend to me and also driving back and forth getting Aly here and there for the play. I could not have done any better if I had done it myself. Let's give Mark a big round of applause!!

I am hoping that once I shower this morning, I will be able to get going, all I can do is try. This is not, "the me I want to be!" I am remembering the story of The Little Engine That Could, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!" Hopefully that will get me "up and at 'em",as my Granddaddy used to say. If nothing else I will shower today, everyone will appreciate that!

This would be a great time to know what a Perfect Mom would do, because right now I am definetly a Sub Par Mom, and the worst part is that I am OK with that!

Day 91 The Perfect Mom Project

I passed a milestone yesterday, 90 days of writing this blog. I appreciate the comments that I have received from everyone. This journey of sharing and remembering has helped me tremendously so far. Now there is only 274 days to go after today.

I do not feel good. Mark is telling me that because I do not have a fever I do not have the flu. Honestly, I do not care what you call it, it is wrecking my weekend! I have many things I wanted to accomplish before we head out of town this week, and I can barely think straight. The worst part of all is that I do not think I can sit through Aly's play this afternoon.

We went to the play Friday night and I was just starting to feel bad. I spent some of the time during the show with my head on Mark's shoulder. Today, it feels like I have a cat stuffed into my head, breathing is not pretty. My body is achy too. There is no way I can go to this show today and sit by anyone. They would all freak out that I had H1N1. I hope that Aly will understand. Honestly after she takes one look at me this morning, she probably will want me to stay home, so that I do not embarrass her!

Not going to the show is upsetting me more then anything else. I love seeing the shows more then once, you always see things that you missed the first time, and I know it makes the show more fun for Aly knowing someone that loves her is out there watching. Mark and Avery will still go, and Mark's Mom and Dad are planning on coming too. I am sure Aly will understand, I just feel like I am letting her down. I truly think once she hears me breathing like Darth Vader, she will insist I stay home.

Well, here is to another day of sitting on the couch and watching TV. I feel like a real loser when I do that, but what is a girl to do, I can barely think straight. If I started packing, or even just getting out my suitcase, who knows what might happen. Best to just lay low and get back in the game tomorrow. Sorry about the game comment, Mark had football on yesterday, and I was to weak to fight him!

Day 90 The Perfect Mom Project

When my oldest daughter Ashleigh was a little girl she loved going to spend time with (my Mom) her Nana. They had a very special relationship. My Mom loved teaching Ashleigh to sew and spending time with Ashleigh. Their relationship was something special.

When Ashleigh was about eleven years old, my parents moved out of state. This was actually about three months after my middle daughter Aly was born. This was hard for Ashleigh and me. She was losing a special companion, and I was losing the chance to finally bond with my Mom. Bonding with my Mom had been a life long pursuit of mine. We had always had a difficult relationship, but I had always hoped that in time things would change, also with the birth of my middle daughter I looked forward to my Mom having a chance to bond with Aly as well.

These were all hopes, but reality was that the relationship that we had would only change if we both wanted it to. My Mom had always been most focused on herself and what she wanted, and she was not going to change now.

As time went on and I had my third child Avery I realized that my Mom did not understand nurturing at all. The day Avery was born my Mom and Dad were flying into town. They came up to the hospital to see Avery and me that very day. The following day, I went home (this practice of tossing women out of the hospital I do not understand by the way) and attempted to begin healing and resting from childbirth. Here came my parents to our home, with my Aunt Nina in tow. I was exhausted and tired and now I was entertaining too, Mark and I scrambled to come up with a meal plan. This is when it really hit me that my Mom was oblivious to my needs.

I continued to try to be the dutiful daughter and visit her with Mark and the kids on and off through the years. At one point when Aly was about 5 or 6 years old, my parents were visiting us and Aly asked my Mom "Nana will you come outside and talk to me like you do Ashleigh?" My Mom went outside with her and proceeded to smoke a cigarette and pace back and forth while Aly ran along behind her. My heart broke for Aly. I knew that my Mom was not able to be what Aly needed her to be either.

In time our family become accustom to the way my parents were and we just made the best of it, visiting them from time to time. As my girls became older they did not enjoy the trips to visit my parents, because they did not feel like Nana and Papa cared about them. They would not get the cuddles and hugs and interest about who they were and what they were doing like they did from their other Grandparents. With the girls not on board anymore it was harder and harder to make the trip. Ashleigh actually became hurt and disappointed in my Mom, because of the way my Mom was towards her little sisters. She grew very resentful and she is still struggling with those feelings as she grieves my mom's passing.

I have learned a lot over the years by watching others and how they treat their children. I hope that I have been able to scrape some of the dysfunction from my life. I also hope that my children never feel like they have to pursue my love. Mainly, I want my girls to know that I am here for them 100% of the time. I will do whatever it takes to be the Mom I wish that I had when I was growing up. I know that mistakes will happen, but hopefully we will work through them and come out on the other side a healthy happy family.

89 The Perfect Mom Project

Woot woot climb aboard, we are riding The Emotion Locomotion here!

For some reason my daughter Aly loves doing the plays, but seems to become overwhelmed by it all when she is in the middle of it. The hysteria that swings in either direction during this time is very hard to handle.

As we sat at our yummy turkey dinner last night, I could feel myself bracing for the down swing. Aly was riding pretty high, and both her and Avery were having a great time laughing and talking, but there felt like just a wisp of hysteria in the air. I just felt that any minute the tide was going to turn and I was just not looking forward to it. I think some of it is that when she is working on the show, she is in constant motion. Go, go,go! Aly's personality is pretty emotional anyway (I have no idea where she gets that!) so when she is tired or overwhelmed any mood she has intensifies.

Aly is also a very high achiever. When she is working so hard on the plays, she gets very frustrated if she cannot maintain her usual standards of school work. She normally does very well at maintaining the standards, but she puts a lot of pressure on herself to do it. In a way it is a blessing for me that I do not have to hound Aly about her school work, because she is actually a much tougher task master then I am.

Somehow through this next few days I wish I could help guide Aly to a new way of handling her emotions. I wish that I could help her see that every high has a low, and vice a versa. There are so many things that I could say to her, but reality is that she will learn all of this on her own. The most I can do is gently prod her out of the lows and help her keep moving. When it comes to the highs, I might have to come up with a new plan, the running out of the room is only a temporary fix for me, and I sometimes leave Mark and Avery behind to be her victims when the pendulum swings.

All in all the truth is that Aly is a great kid. She has her challenges, but I am a very lucky Mom to have three great girls. Each one with their own unique personality. Aly will climb off of this Emotion Locomotion at some point in her life, and when she does, I will be there ready to give her a great big hug. This whole growing up thing is never easy. I know, I am still working on it myself.

Day 88 The Perfect Mom Project

Gobble Gobble! Those are the words of the day today. We are going to have our own Thanksgiving dinner tonight. Since Aly has the play all weekend, and we are leaving for New Orleans next week, I decided that tonight we would have our own Thanksgiving dinner. I am excited about it. The thought of not being home and having our own traditions was really bothering me. There are so many things that we do during the holidays that are just part of our own family traditions.

We always have Thanksgiving at home, and then the next day,(Black Friday) I always go shopping with one of my dearest friends. Our husbands started meeting us for lunch a few years ago and it turned into another fun thing to look forward to. While I am out shopping, Mark and the girls set up our tree and get the lights on it. Mark also pulls out all the Christmas stuff so that we can decorate more the next day. This year we decided to decorate early. We actually have our tree up right now. The thought of coming home after the long drive from Louisiana and then starting the decorating process just did not sound like fun to me. I do not want to be panic stricken when I get back trying to get my house holiday ready.

All of this is in addition to the fact that my heart is racing with anxiety about the trip to see my Dad. All of the things that have been thrown at me in the last few days have made this less about the holiday and more about standing up for myself and my family. I know in my heart that I need to be strong for my Mom. She lost her voice a few years ago when she began to show signs of Alzheimer's disease. No matter what happens, I need to speak up for her. It makes me so sad that at a time when my Dad could use his family's support, he has put us in a position to question his choices. I am determined to make Thanksgiving a good day for him and my family, but the following day, I will have to step up to the plate and be about what is right and true.

In the mean time, I have a family that is going in many different directions and they all need me to focus on them. Truthfully they are what is most important. Making a special dinner and having that time with them tonight is going to wonderful. I am also looking forward to putting our ornaments on the tree tonight. So what if it is early, so what if it is not what we always do. This will make next year even more special. Perhaps it will even help us make new traditions. I have to say though that having Thanksgiving dinner the week before, might not be all that great next year. Something about having that day be just about us every year, has always been very special.

Well, I am off, I have many things to do to prepare for our yummy meal tonight and I still have to get a pumpkin pie. I just was not up to making one this year. I am going to assume that in this case, a perfect mom would do the same thing.

Day 87 The Perfect Mom Project

We have made it to the middle of Hell week. Hell week is what they call the last week of rehearsals for the school play at the high school. When Aly arrived home last night and sat down to (late) dinner. We started talking about the events of her day. As she was sharing with us, we began to ask her questions about some of the things she was saying. This was a bad move! She became overwhelmed and began to cry, even sob. We all just stared at her.

Now, as a good mom (note:not perfect) I felt I should be helping her off her ledge a little bit, so I tried to say what I thought were comforting things. I said things like; "Aly, you cannot control other people , you can only control yourself" or "I understand your upset, but you need to stop snapping at everybody." OK, I admit, that last one might not have been comforting, but seriously, how much are we suppose to take? I know she loves doing the plays, but it takes a toll on all of us. I think we might adopt the name Hell week here at home too.

Tonight is the final practice and then they start preforming. Thursday is for the school and Friday, Saturday and Sunday for the public, then we are done, yee ha! I realize, I said we are done, that is how it feels. Not only is Aly in the play, but the whole family has a part too. We are her entourage, groupies and support staff. Without us, I am not sure how she would pull this off.

As we stared at our crying daughter last night, Mark made a joke, and she suddenly started laughing hysterically. OK, now we know that she has officially gone right over the edge. The upside is we can handle the laughing, it is the crying and crabby that we struggle with. Everyone tippy toeing around Aly until she is back to normal is not a fun way to live. This is absolutely something we will be working on. With Avery talking about doing the school plays next year too, we could have a double Hell week here. That just would not do at all! How could I ever maintain perfection during Hell week. Of course, I have to get there first.

Day 86 The Perfect Mom Project

Avery came home very upset yesterday. She had thought she had done all of her homework Sunday night, but she had forgotten an assignment from Algebra that the teacher had given her at the last minute on Friday. I had picked her up from school early on Friday and we raced home. While I got a snack ready for her she finished packing for the youth retreat.

She had a busy weekend, when we picked her up from the retreat, we brought her to our Goddaughter's house where we were celebrating her birthday. Avery was exhausted when we finally arrived home on Sunday evening. She finished her homework and went to bed. Now, here she was beside herself, because she had forgotten some of her homework. As she cried I offered to get in touch with the teacher to let her know what had happened. I thought perhaps I could plead her case for leniency. But Avery said, "No, that's OK, it was my mistake."

I was so proud of her at that moment. She was going to take her lumps and move forward, Mommy was not going to fix this for her, she would take care of it. That was the moment that I knew...my "baby" is growing up. I told her that I was very proud of her. I also told her that it is very important in life to learn how to work through the tough stuff, the mistakes and the difficult times on your own. Someday that will come in handy for her.

As I said this to her, I realized that I had the opportunity to model this for her in my own life, right now. As I deal with all the craziness that is happening in my family I can show her that you can move through difficulties with grace. I want her to know that as long as you are honest and truthful, you are doing all the right things. I am grateful for this opportunity to teach my children to respect others regardless of what they do to you. If they learn this one lesson in their life, I will be happy. Some days, there are things that seem a little more important then being a perfect mom.

Day 85 The Perfect Mom Project

My daughters are back, sort of. Aly of course has left for school, and Avery is getting ready to go to school, but at least we are in a somewhat normal state. Aly is tired and not feeling that good (oh no!), and Avery is moving very slow. That is the hard part with busy weekends, you have to get back at your normal life on Monday.

Mark and I had a small taste of the empty nest on Saturday. With Avery gone for the weekend and Aly gone from 10:00 AM until 11:30 PM, we had the house to ourselves. It was very quiet. We did not get as much accomplished as we had hoped, since I was on the phone with a variety of family members all day. It was almost like we were overwhelmed by not having the kids to keep us going.

We did go out at one point in the early evening for a little bite to eat and a little shopping, but we were back home within a couple of hours. We tried watching a movie, but that did not go well, since the movie plot had you on the edge of your seat wondering what would happen next. I am already so full of anxiety that I could not take any more anticipation! We ended up turning it off.

I guess we will need a few more trial runs of the empty nest before we get into it, but we have some time. Since Avery is 13, I think we can hold off on worrying about it to much right now.

Aly is very busy this week getting ready for the play Alice in Wonderland, at the high school this coming weekend. She will be practicing constantly. I hope I can keep her healthy and motivated for a couple more days. Once she gets down to the wire and starts actually doing the play she will run on adrenaline. Avery had a great weekend and she will be riding the happy wave for a few days with all the stories about what she did this weekend. I am delighted to be back in Mom mode and will be playing the part with gusto!

I have started thinking though. What do Perfect Mom's do when faced with impending empty nest syndrome? Do they look for something else to fill their lives? Do they adopt more children? Do they focus all of their attention on their husbands (Mark would like that!)? I am going to have to look into this a little bit. I know I have some time, but I do not want to be caught off guard at the last minute. That would not be appropriate behavior for a Perfect Mom.

Day 84 The Perfect Mom Project

Well, if I have learned nothing else in my life, I have learned that if you want to know the truth, you have to be the truth. With that in mind yesterday, I decided to stop swirling the fact that my Dad was angry around in my head and face it head on. I had spent the entire night, the night before tossing and turning, and I was not about to lose another nights sleep over issues that I did not create.

Yesterday afternoon, I picked up the phone and called my Dad. Ring, ring..."Hello?","Hi Dad, I understand that you are angry with me." From there the conversation twisted and turned. I will not tell you that everything is hunky dory now, but I can tell you that my cards are on the table. I told him that we had planned to come to see him before all of this came up and that is what we intend to do.

I cannot change him, I know that for whatever reason, he believes what he is doing is the right thing to do. I do not agree. He feels that because he has Cancer that he must divest himself of all of his responsibilities and focus on himself. In a perfect world that would be awesome, but there is way to much involved here to just stomp on what my mother, (his wife of 27 years) set in place with him, years ago while she was of sound mind.

I, of course want him to be healthy and live a longer full life. At this point if that means he is with his girlfriend, so be it. I am not even going to worry about how all of that came about anymore, because my judgement is not the one that counts or even matters. There are pearly gates that we all have to step through at some point and that is where he will find the Ultimate Judge. All I can say is, "Good luck". I am not sure how you can convince our Heavenly Father that your current life choices are the right choices, and I am also pretty sure, that my Mom is not saving my Dad a seat next to her right now.

Over all, my goal is to keep what little relationship my Sisters and I have alive. I hope that as long as I stand on the side of what I believe is right and true and continue to be honest, that will happen. This will not be easy. We do not all agree about the direction that this Lifetime Channel special is taking. I can only continue to say, that this is about honoring what my Mother and my Dad set in motion several years ago, while she was of sound mind. There is no reason to mess with that, none. Any other details do not matter. This was an agreement that was made that was fair and just at the time and it remains so to this day. The fact that Dad is accusing us of greed is actually pretty hilarious. Seems like the pot is calling the kettle black.

I have to set all of this aside today. Avery will be coming home from her youth retreat, Aly will be here with us all day for a change, and we are off to celebrate a birthday with one of Mark's Godchildren. These are all happy things that deserve my full attention.

Regardless, of anything else, I will be thinking of my Mom again today. I know that now I must be her voice and I take that responsibility very seriously.

Day 83 The Perfect mom Project

Welcome to the next episode of "As My Family Turns". I would think this was all a huge fabricated lie, if I was not actually living through it. Let me see if I can bring you up to date.

Recently my Dad (Stepdad) was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung Cancer. Before he was diagnosed with the Cancer, he had moved his girlfriend into the house that he had shared with my Mom. Said girlfriend is younger then me. Said girlfriend and Dad have been shagging it since before my Mom died.

I had in recent weeks decided to release the anger I had for these events and move forward. I felt that it was in the best interest of my Dads health and well being to just focus on him. I could not go back and change what had already happened and by dwelling on it I would be stuck in an emotional place I did not want to be. I believe God wanted me to forgive him, and that is what I did.

With forgiveness in mind and heart, I decided my family and I would join my sisters and my Dad and the girlfriend for Thanksgiving. This Thanksgiving meal requires that Mark and I drive 1,100 miles across country, for two days of "family time". It also requires us to pay for a hotel for 3 nights. We did not make this decision lightly.

Three days ago I received a call from my Dad telling me that while my family was visiting he would like all of the sisters to meet with him to sign some papers that would essentially void the trust that was set up by him and my Mom many years ago. He would then sell his business to one sister and use the remaining income to live on and eventually, his plan is to leave his home, car, 401k, and life insurance to his girlfriend if and when he passes away. After listening to what he was telling me I asked for some time to think it over.

The following day, I called him back and asked him to please send me copies of what it was he wanted me to sign, so that I could look it over. He told me he would try, but that if he did send it I would not understand the papers anyway. He seemed fine with what I asked, but I could tell he was somewhat annoyed. As I write this I realize, that not understanding the papers, is exactly why I want the papers ahead of time. I do not care who you are, I am not signing anything until I UNDERSTAND IT!! That being said, we hung up and I went about my business.

I had a call from one of my sisters last night telling me that now my Dad is angry. He is angry and he is saying that I do not care that he is sick and that all I care about is the money. That is interesting, since I booked and payed for a hotel (nonrefundable I might add) and we are planning to travel 1,100 miles because we wanted to see him. He is the one that added this new dimension into the mix.

At this point, we are still planning to go down and visit my Dad. I am not sure what the next few days will bring, but I have to stand in what I know is the truth and that is that I intended to take my family to see my Dad who is dying. If he wants to turn this into a drama and tear the family apart before he dies, there is nothing that I can do about it. I do not understand what he is thinking, but I am not taking it on. I have given all of this to God and I know that with his help what is right and true will prevail.

Day 82 The Perfect Mom Project

My little girls are growing up. This afternoon Avery is going on a youth retreat and she will return home on Sunday afternoon. She is so excited. I actually saw her do laundry yesterday (without a nudge from Mom), so that she would have "matching shirts" with her girlfriend that is going on the retreat as well. I am very comfortable letting her go and I know she will be in good hands.

Aly on the other hand has asked us to go to a play at a college in downtown Detroit. She has play practice for the high school play (coming up next weekend) tonight, and play practice from 10:00 AM until 4:00 PM on Saturday(tomorrow). After practice on Saturday she would like to go with some friends to see a production of a play (at the college about an hour away) that her school will be doing in the spring. This requires one set of parents to drive the kids to downtown Detroit and drop them off and another set of parents (Mark and I are not involved in the transportation at all) will go down after and pick them up.

When Aly approached us about this idea, my Mom alarm went off. No way, nope, not happening. I do not want my little girl prancing around that big city, its not safe. Aly was actually pretty good about my response. I knew she was disappointed, so I told her I would think about it a little more. As I did my typical decision rotation, I started to realize that she really was not a little girl anymore. She was becoming a young woman, by me being scared and protective, I could potentially make her fearful and less likely to be able to step out into the world with confidence.

So this morning, Mark and I told her she could go. We told her that we were counting on her to behave responsibly and that if this experiment failed, it would be a long time before we try it again.

Jeez, this stuff is not easy. You are trying to protect them with one hand and loosening the rope with the other. It is such a fine line. I have confidence in Aly. She really is a great kid, and has never given us anything to worry about, but it is never her that makes me worry, it is the other people. I have said that since the girls were little. I have nothing but faith in my children, but I am always worried about who might be out there that will disappoint them or hurt them. I also know that no matter how old all of my girls get, they are still my "little" girls.

When Aly leaves for the play tomorrow, it will be a good thing for her. It is another step towards growing up, which is what I am supposed to be helping her do, but it is also a step for me. I am letting go just a little bit, just slowly opening my fingers so that my little butterfly can take flight. Having released one beautiful butterfly into the world, you would think that I would be able to do this more easily, but each one of my children is precious to me and each one will be just as hard to let go.

Day 81 The Perfect Mom Project

My Aunt Nina has been having a tough time lately, in the next few days it will have been three years since her daughter and only child died. She feels lonely and sad, she asks why she is still here and her daughter and husband are gone. It is odd, because she feels like she is the one who was cheated, she would like to pass away too. She feels the pain of her daughters lose every single day.

I am fortunate to have three very close friends. I have so many wonderful people in my life, so many people that I care about, these three women and I raised our children together as neighbors and friends. Three of us walk together and exercise together four days a week. All of these women are like family to me.

One of these women had invited us over for a lovely afternoon. It was right out of the fifties. We arrived at her home and she had the table set with a tablecloth and flowers. She poured us a dainty glass of wine and served a delicious salad lunch. The four of us sat there for three hours laughing and talking. As the afternoon was winding down, one of our dear friends cell phone rang. She did not recognise the number, and hesitated answering it, but decided to anyway. It was her daughter. She had been in a terrible car accident, and her car had flipped over. She was alive, scared and wanted her Mom to come as the emergency personnel took her to the hospital.

Time just stopped.

We all went into auto pilot. I grabbed my keys and told her to get in the car and we all flew to the accident scene. Fortunately, her daughter had been on her way home from school and was only a short distance away. Even those short few minutes were a life time. My friends daughter, has been friends with my girls since the moment we moved into our home. She has been like a big sister to my girls and I love her as part of our family. Hearing of her being hurt or in danger was like hearing that about one of my own children.

Once we arrived at the accident scene and saw the car flipped over on to its roof, we jumped out of the car running. The EMS workers had her in a neck brace and were getting ready to put her on a board to take her to the hospital. She looked so little. This sweet girl that is a senior in high school, sat there on the ground with her eyes as big as saucers, frightened out of her mind. And her Mom, my friend lost it. She saw the car and her daughter and knew instantly how lucky she was. Her daughter was very lucky to be alive. She climbed into the ambulance with her and we followed her to the hospital to be there if she needed anything.

These moments in our lives are the moments that snap us back to what is important. The kids grades could be better, or they could clean there room, but over all, being able to hold them and kiss them and tell your kids you love them, that is what we really want at the end of the day. My friend is spending the day with her daughter today. I can only imagine that any one of us would do the very same. I know that my 92 year old Aunt would like to do that with her fifty something daughter if she could. Our love and devotion to our children never ends, no matter how old those kids get. I would say that this calls for some super Mom hugs today.

Day 80 The Perfect Mom Project

What a beautiful morning this is. Before the sun came up, I could see the stars so clearly and just a slice of moon hung in the sky. It is the mornings like this that I always sense hope in the crystal cool air.

We have the girls school conferences this week. Last night we had Aly's conferences at the high school and tonight we have Avery's at the middle school. These evenings are a little more fun then Open Houses at the schools. During conferences, you have a chance to see more people and chat (or as Mark says play with your little friends). I see nothing wrong with making a long evening into a little bit of fun for me.

Lets think about this, last night we stood on average for 20 minutes in each teachers line. Aly has 6 hours of classes, which equals TWO HOURS! Aly does well in school, so conferences usually go pretty quick. What if she was a difficult child, or she struggled with some subjects? Can you imagine how long we would be there? I think it is completely appropriate for me to seek entertainment while I am waiting.

As we stood in line after line, Mark would point out different friends of mine to me. "Look there is Cheryl, look there is Shelly, isn't that your friend from PTO?" Then he would say "You can go talk to her if you want." At one point we were standing in line and Mark said to me, "I will be right back, I want to talk to somebody." I thought that's weird, who is he going to talk to? I watched as he went to throw something into a trash can. I think he was getting a little jealous.

With Avery's conferences tonight, I hope things go a little more quickly. I know I will see more people I know, and I will try to control my desire to be a social butterfly. I am not making any promises though, I am almost positive I could not keep them.

Day 79 The Perfect Mom Project

I have been thinking about who I am lately. It sounds so odd to say that, but after talking with a friend the other day, I realized that I needed to reflect a little on where I came from and how I got here.

You see when I was about 30 years old, a friend and I were comparing notes about how many times we had moved so far, in our lives. By the age of 30, I had already moved 28 times. Within those moves, I went to three different elementary schools, and three different middle schools. After my Mom sent me away at 14, I only went to one high school in Salt Lake City, Utah. Even while I was in Salt Lake, I moved 6 times in four years. It is fair to say, I have moved a lot.

I started life in Olive Branch, Mississippi. This is where my Mom and birth Father lived at the time. I have never actually spoken to my birth Father. I do not even have a memory of our time with my birth Father. I know my Mom left him when I was about 11 Months old, and moved us home to my Grandparents house. I never had any relationship with him, after that. I only have a few pictures of him. One of them shows him holding my hand when I was a little baby. I know that we are related, because I have those same long legs that he has in the picture. I have passed those long legs on to Avery. She is the only one of my children that was fortunate to receive this gift. Most people generally think I am taller then I am because of my long legs.

As I look at this picture I wonder if my life would have been different had I known my birth Father. How would my life have been different if I had not moved so much? Recently, I heard someone speaking about conflict, and their idea of it intrigued me. What I took away from his theory is basically this. Conflict and challenges in your life propel you forward. They mold and change who you are. People that have a calm and conflict free life tend not to be as fulfilled as people that have faced and moved through the conflicts and challenges in their lives.

So maybe, as I consider who I am and how I got here, I should also think about how fortunate I am that my life had all of these twists and turns. Perhaps my long legs are not the only gift I received from my parents. Perhaps, I am a more compassionate person because of the life I have lead. It is even possible that I am more comfortable with new ideas and and changes in my life, because of the challenges I have already had. It really is hard to say.

All I know is that I do not plan to move my girls 28 times or even 1 more time. I encourage them to try new things and handle the issues that come up for themselves if possible. I have no desire for my children to lead the life that I did at their age, and if that will stunt them later in life then I will cross that bridge with them at that time. I just want them to know that I love the three of them very much and that without my girls, I would not be half the person I am today. Being a Mom and helping my children grow, has helped me grow too. With all that in mind, I still cannot help but look at this picture of me with my birth Father and wonder, what if.....

Day 78 The Perfect Mom Project

Today I am going to visit my Aunt Nina. We are meeting with her attorney to sign paperwork that would allow me to help her with her banking. When Mark and Aunt Nina and I originally started talking about this, it seemed like a great idea. This was going to really help streamline some of the things that we try to help her with. She is legally blind, and her hearing is pretty bad. I think I have mentioned before, that Aunt Nina does not think it is her hearing, she thinks it is peoples annunciation. What ever! The fact is she does not hear well.

The last few weeks dealing with the news of my Dad having Lung Cancer and then of course the whole thing with him being in a relationship, has been tough enough. With the icing on the cake being Aunt Nina, there are days I could just sit in a chair with a blanket over my head and not move. I have to say, she is not the most appreciative person either.

I have had her rub in my face how "devoted" others are, based on the number of visits she receives from them. Considering that I live 40 minutes from where she is staying right now and that I am still trying to raise a family, I visit about once a week. Mark also stops by to see her once or twice a week on his way home from work. We have been there for her since her daughter Dana passed away 3 years ago and to me we do not need to be at her bedside daily, to prove our devotion.

I guess the hard part for me is that Mark and I are jumping through hoops to keep her life on a healthy and happy path, and she just does not seem to get it. Somehow she comes off as if we are hired help and we are expected to do all these things. I have fantasised from time to time, how I would tell her off, when I have the chance. I have never done it, and probably never will. Although she deserves a good verbal spanking, we just suck it up, because we do not want to rock this 92 year old woman's boat.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I have to assume that right now, the reason I have Aunt Nina placed before me, is that I am to learn a lesson. What could it be? Maybe the lesson is something that I will not get until I am older and faced with some of the challenges that Aunt Nina has. One thing I know for sure is that I will understand how challenging caring for an elder is, and perhaps I will draw on that knowledge to show my caregivers the love and respect that they deserve. If that is all I take away from this, it will be worth it. In the mean time, I will go to see her today and try to stay on my best behavior. Everybody pray for me, please.

Day 77 The Perfect Mom Project

Yesterday, our family went out together to run some errands. As I have mentioned in the past our daughter Aly is working on getting her driving hours for drivers training , so Mark thought it would be a good idea if Aly drove us to our various locations.

First of all, in my own defense, I should tell you that I frighten easily. My family knows that they have to make some kind of sound when coming near an area where I am located. If I see or hear something unexpected, I generally scream. It is not something that I am proud of, but I have learned to live with it and I thought my family had too. I should also tell you that Aly is not the most confident driver yet, and she seems to over react to gentle criticism of her driving skills.

That being said, off we went on our adventure. It was decided that Mark would ride up front and help Aly along. I was not officially asked if this setup met my approval, but I was just as happy to ride in the back and not take the heat for a change. At one point, I mentioned something that I thought was a very good point about Aly's driving, and I was told "Do you have a book or a magazine with you back there?" Well! how rude, I was just trying to help.

Honestly, things went fairly well, Aly made what I think were typical new driver mistakes, and Mark was very good about pointing them out gently. I had pretty much stopped my comments and was enjoying my chauffeur driven ride through town. All at once, I looked up and we were speeding into the back end of a light shimmery blue (I was that close) mini van. I did what any self respecting mom would do, I screamed. Not a little, "oh my" kind of scream mind you, but a full out life flashing before my eyes scream, followed by the comment "Holy crap!"

You know, I just want to say, that my family can be very unforgiving. Considering the circumstances I thought I was responding quite appropriately, but not everyone agreed. Avery (who was with me in the back seat) looked at me and said, "You better not act like that when I am learning to drive." She was about to add to her comment when I warned her with my pointer finger and an evil, I'm going to get you my pretty, look. Aly started to cry and Mark was trying to calm her down and get us safely to our next location, with positive reinforcement.

Aly made some comments about never driving again, which Mark and I pointed out would not go well for her. We also pointed out that we wanted her to be a confident driver, which means lots of practice and lots of criticism. Aly, is a very high achiever, and I think she has a hard time when something does not come easily to her. Mark and I want to help navigate her through this learning process as best we can. We really want her to understand that just because you took drivers training, does not mean you are a driver. Practice makes perfect, right? Besides, growing up my Mom would only make right turns, so everywhere we went she had to plot it out so that there were no left turns. I really do not want to see another generation of that!

So today, is another beautiful day and we are going back out on the roads. Mark and I have discussed having Aly drive again. I think it is a good idea to get her back in the saddle. However, this time I am bringing a book or something to keep me occupied. I do not want another episode like yesterday. Aly might swear off driving all together, and I would be stuck driving her everywhere for the rest of her life. That just would not do at all!

Day 76 The Perfect Mom Project

Middle school stinks! I know this from personal experience. Some of the largest blows to my self-esteem came in middle school. That is why when Avery talked with me last night about her friends and middle school my heart went out to her.

Avery really is in a great place for a middle school student . She has several friends, and they are not all in the same clique. She does well in school, and prefers reading to just about any activity (eating candy and sleepovers aside.). The only problem is that Avery does not understand that not everyone has what she has. She struggles with the people that are always seeking attention and she has no patience for people that hurt others on purpose. I had a hard time with those things myself growing up, but hurting people and seeking attention are all part of the middle school code, aren't they?

When Avery sat down and talked with me last night, all I could do was reassure her that she has it right and to just hang in there for a few more months. Middle school kids have been acting like this for hundreds of years. This must be some right of passage for kids that age. I know I have heard that some people will say and do mean things to others to make themselves feel better, which would pretty much explain middle school in a nutshell. All these adolescents running around trying to figure out how they fit into the world, trying to take out anyone that threatens them. This can make for a long school day.

Avery is in 8th grade, so she is just about done with the whole middle school thing. Next year she will be in high school and that will be a whole other can of worms. That reminds me of something a friend of mine recently said, "Little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems!" I guess I can be glad that Avery will talk to me about her little problems. That gives me hope that when she does stumble across a big problem that she will know she has somewhere to turn. For a Perfect Mom in training that also gives me hope I am doing something right.

Day 75 The Perfect Mom Project

The other day, I was on Facebook and read my oldest daughters post for the day. It read:

"Reflecting on life today, can't believe how much

it takes out of a person."

As I read that my heart hurt a little that this vibrant young woman was already feeling beaten down by the daily battle of life. I commented back to her,

"Ahh life also has a lot to offer, it is the perception, not the reality that will get you through!"

If I have learned anything in the last few weeks, it is that if we lived on reality alone, we would not survive. Looking at my life right now and turning it over and over in my mind (as I do almost constantly). I realize that I can let the events surrounding me right now consume me, or I can make it work for me. Years ago when I was much younger, someone said to me "Every job has its dirty dishes!" I have used that quote numerous times. I have said this to my kids and friends, because it really struck a chord with me. I really think that life is that way too, I really do not think that any of us gets a free pass on heartache. Heartache and sadness, unfaithfulness, thievery, you name it, all these and more show up each day as our life's helping of dirty dishes.

If we base all of what we feel on the reality in our lives we will never see what is right in front of us...our opportunity to live. To just move through the unhappy moment one step at a time. Reaching out for your friends or even just changing your attitude about where you are at in life. Making the most of each moment the best you can. I have been at funerals where as we were chatting about the person that had passed, we hear a story about them that makes us laugh. We remember them and we remember the happiness. That is just an example of when we set aside the dirty dishes.

I hope that in the weeks to come, I can look at my lifes sink full of dishes and remember the stories for each dish and still move forward. I choose to be happy. I choose to let every new cup and plate motivate me towards something better, not slow me down or stall me out. I choose to percive life as an opportunity and not a jail sentence. I guess it is like what another good friend always says, "Its all about choices!". I also hope that I can pass this on to my oldest daughter. Maybe I can call her and give her a big Mommy hug over the phone to help get her through.

Day 74 The Perfect Mom Project

The last few days have not been easy around here. Not because of anything dramatic, but because of candy. Yes, that's right candy, it is everywhere. When my daughters went out trick or treating last week they used pillowcases for there loot, so Aly took her pillowcase into her room, and Avery has left her pillowcase downstairs on the counter. They are full of candy, I would estimate, we have a good 7 to 10 pounds of candy here.

I do not normally buy candy. If I am out and have an urge, I might pick up a candy bar, but I think that is probably around 3 to 4 times a year and then, I usually share it with Mark or the kids. That being said having all this candy around me has not been pretty. I apparently have absolutely no will power. I will be walking by the counter downstairs and think, "Nope, I do not want any candy, I am through with candy!", then walk back by again and think, "hhhmmmnn one mini candy bar can't hurt."

I have been doing this several times a day for the last 4 days. I have to get this stuff out of my sight. To top things off, I think I have passed my inability to pass up candy onto my youngest daughter. I just went up to see how she was coming along with getting ready for school and I heard a crinkly wrapper noise coming from her room. "AAAvery?" I said. "What are you eating?" She replied "Nothing!" "Avery? I know you are eating something!" Her door to her room opened slowly and just her little nose poked out, "Just a mini candy bar, it was in my bottom drawer."

Oh great, now she is hiding candy? I think I have created a monster. Here I thought all her candy was in a bag down here on the counter and I find out she has hidden some in her room. I am not sure if I am more upset that she was hiding the candy, or that she was hiding the candy from me. I mean after all, who drove her to pick out the stuff she needed for her costume, and also paid for it? See, now I am even rationalizing why I deserve candy.

That is it, tonight all the candy gets sorted and put in bags and stored away for lunches. Avery and I will be twenty pounds heavier in a months time at this rate. We have to help each other through this difficult time. Just to be on the safe side though, I think I will see what yummy stuff she has hidden in her drawer after she goes to school today. I am only doing this to protect her...honest.

Day 73 The Perfect Mom Project

Each morning as I come to write to you, I stop and pour myself a hot steamy cup of coffee. I have tried writing without it and I always feel like I am off my game. Something about the smell of the coffee and the warmth of the cup seems almost like a little hug. Sometimes, as I am thinking about what words to use, or how to express an emotion, I will grab the cup and hold it close to me. It is almost like my own little security blanket.

This morning as I hold my mug close I am struggling with what to share with you today. I am full of so many feelings and emotions that I cannot even begin to sort them into a convenient cohesive order to share. I know in the past I have mentioned that I feel like I am living out my own soap opera, and today I feel like the woman in the show that you might be watching and thinking, "She is so clueless, can't she see that_____?". You will have to fill in the blank, because I am sure that you have felt that way numerous times in the last 73 days and just have not wanted to say anything.

Today, I open the floor to you. Not because I do not want to write, but more because sometimes others who are on the outside can see more clearly then those of us on the inside. So as I huddle closely with my cup of java, I will wait to hear from you. I am eager for you to share your thoughts and feelings about what you have read here in the last 73 days. Just take a minute and hit the comment button at the bottom of this post and share with me. It will be an honor to hear from you.

Day 72 The Perfect Mom Project

Todays photo is a happy Avery

I am someone who has a tough time sticking with a decision. I think it is because I turn things over and over in my head. Always looking at the other side, no matter what side I am on.

Recently we had told Avery that she would not be able to go on a youth retreat, because we are planning to go to New Orleans for Thanksgiving and we are trying to watch our pennies and dollars. Yesterday, as I did my typical rotation of thought, I started to realize that Aly was going to be involved in a lot of activities in the weeks to come that we had paid for long before this New Orleans trip came up. Avery was really excited about the chance to go on this retreat and had been for sometime. When we told her she could not go to the retreat she was disappointed, but she understood and took the news pretty well.

The thing is during my thought rotation, I realized that making an investment in Avery and her growth was just as important if not more so than our trip down south. I want her to be able to experience every aspect of life and growing up while she is here with us. I feel like this is our shot at giving her wings.

At dinner last night, Mark and I shared with her our reversal of our original decision, and needless to say she was very happy. That was also worth making the change. We did add on to our decision that she would pay a small portion of the fee to go, and(never wanting to miss an opportunity to get her room in order)we added the requirement that her room be clean and her laundry done. Chalk one up for a semi perfect Mom.

I have to say that now I realize that my ability to make a decision is actually just different then most people. I have always beat myself up as not able to make a decision. Now as I write this, I like the idea of calling it thought rotation. It sounds less harsh, and it really is what I do. Perhaps even calling it decision rotation, is a little more accurate. The best part of this is, it makes me feel like what I do when I make decisions is actually a healthy and mature thing. Yeah, I am going with that. Healthy and mature, I like it, it sounds like something that someone working there way to perfect status would be.

Day 71 The Perfect Mom Project

It is November. A friend of mine mentioned this morning as we were walking that it is supposed to be a very bad winter. Her son had told her that he was reading the Farmers Almanac online and it was calling for a lot of cold and a lot of snow. Today as I put away our Halloween decorations, I will be pulling out our hats and gloves and putting them where they are easy for everyone to get to.

Every year I continue to be surprised when the seasons change. The hardest change is always Fall to Winter. I really do not mind Winter. My family will tell you that it is because I LOVE snow days. You know, the days when the weather is so terrible that they call off school. I always love sneaking into the girls rooms and turning off their alarms and whispering, "It's a snow day" in their ears. They get the faintest grin on their faces and then pull the blankets around themselves and drift back to sleep. I grab a cup of coffee and try to get a fire going downstairs so that I can snuggle there with a blanket and look at the snow quietly falling outside.

There is no use fantasising about snow right now. There is a good couple of months ahead before we get into the tightest grip of Old Man Winter. I hope that as the days progress from Fall into Winter we can enjoy each and every moment. We have a busy few weeks ahead, with school conferences, Parent Club meetings, Orthodontist appointments, visits with Great Aunt Nina and Aly's school play, and at the end of the month our trip to New Orleans for Thanksgiving with my Dad and Sisters. I hope that during this time I can find a way to stay calm and centered.

Time seems to go faster the older my girls get and I do not want to lose one minute of this precious time with them. As today blends into tomorrow and tomorrow into the next day, I hope that I will be able to focus on the most important thing of all. My family. As usual, I think it is what I need to do to become a Perfect Mom, but I also think it will help me get through the busy days ahead. I can only hope that somewhere along the line there is a surprise break where I can whisper to my kids to stay snuggled in their beds and I can soak up a little snuggle time too. If that means having some snow, I say "bring it!"

Day 70 The Perfect Mom Project

Today as I sit here writing, I am surrounded by sleeping girls, pop cans and candy wrappers. Yes, you have it right, we had a sleepover after trick or treating last night. I am not entirely sure what time my youngest Avery and her friends went to sleep. I am sure I heard something around 4:00 AM, but I think it best to just let it go. Aly, however, decided that her and her girlfriend were not lowering themselves to sleep with the children and decided to sleep upstairs in her room.

It should be an interesting day, with today being the first day of daylight savings time and the girls coming down from their candy highs, they should be loads of fun. Maybe Mark and I can take one of our famous drives. A little time out of the house for Mark and I might be a good way to keep our family a happy one. Then again, we could come home to a fight like we did the other night and then I would blow a gasket. Is there anyway out of this crazy cycle?

Today is All Saints Day. I was contacted by our old church a while back asking me to come to church today and light a candle for my Mom. This seems like such a simple request, but I was not able to make the commitment. I talked to Mark about it and decided that I would light a candle for my Mom here at home. I was not ready to go public with my grief, which seems crazy, because I can write about her here with no problem. Somehow it just feels too public. I do not want to be in a situation where I know I will cry and people will be compelled to comfort me.

This wound is still fresh to me, it is also difficult to explain to others that my grief is not just about her dying, but it is also about the relationship we did not have. To be with other people today and try to explain to them in a crib notes version how I am feeling, just made me very uncomfortable. I would worry about saying something that would seem disrespectful, or even trite and that is not fair to my Mom. This grief is way to complicated to parade out in front of others right now. So, lucky you, you get to have my grief played out before you for your reading pleasure.

So, as I sit here today on All Saints Day, surrounded by sleeping children and candy. I am thankful for the opportunity to raise my children differently then I was raised. I am also thankful that I have a husband who is willing to be there for me as I try to sort all of this out. I have been blessed with the opportunity to walk a different path in my family life and I plan to take every step on it. I am happy to have a chance to figure out exactly what I want my life as a Mom to be, and I am going to work hard to make sure that I do a great job at it. I truly believe that we all have a purpose here on earth, and I think mine is my children. I know I joke about being a Mom, but I feel that this is the highest calling, and I am honored to have the job. Maybe someday that will make me a saint, who knows.