Today as I sit here writing, I am surrounded by sleeping girls, pop cans and candy wrappers. Yes, you have it right, we had a sleepover after trick or treating last night. I am not entirely sure what time my youngest Avery and her friends went to sleep. I am sure I heard something around 4:00 AM, but I think it best to just let it go. Aly, however, decided that her and her girlfriend were not lowering themselves to sleep with the children and decided to sleep upstairs in her room.
It should be an interesting day, with today being the first day of daylight savings time and the girls coming down from their candy highs, they should be loads of fun. Maybe Mark and I can take one of our famous drives. A little time out of the house for Mark and I might be a good way to keep our family a happy one. Then again, we could come home to a fight like we did the other night and then I would blow a gasket. Is there anyway out of this crazy cycle?
Today is All Saints Day. I was contacted by our old church a while back asking me to come to church today and light a candle for my Mom. This seems like such a simple request, but I was not able to make the commitment. I talked to Mark about it and decided that I would light a candle for my Mom here at home. I was not ready to go public with my grief, which seems crazy, because I can write about her here with no problem. Somehow it just feels too public. I do not want to be in a situation where I know I will cry and people will be compelled to comfort me.
This wound is still fresh to me, it is also difficult to explain to others that my grief is not just about her dying, but it is also about the relationship we did not have. To be with other people today and try to explain to them in a crib notes version how I am feeling, just made me very uncomfortable. I would worry about saying something that would seem disrespectful, or even trite and that is not fair to my Mom. This grief is way to complicated to parade out in front of others right now. So, lucky you, you get to have my grief played out before you for your reading pleasure.
So, as I sit here today on All Saints Day, surrounded by sleeping children and candy. I am thankful for the opportunity to raise my children differently then I was raised. I am also thankful that I have a husband who is willing to be there for me as I try to sort all of this out. I have been blessed with the opportunity to walk a different path in my family life and I plan to take every step on it. I am happy to have a chance to figure out exactly what I want my life as a Mom to be, and I am going to work hard to make sure that I do a great job at it. I truly believe that we all have a purpose here on earth, and I think mine is my children. I know I joke about being a Mom, but I feel that this is the highest calling, and I am honored to have the job. Maybe someday that will make me a saint, who knows.
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