Day 90 The Perfect Mom Project

When my oldest daughter Ashleigh was a little girl she loved going to spend time with (my Mom) her Nana. They had a very special relationship. My Mom loved teaching Ashleigh to sew and spending time with Ashleigh. Their relationship was something special.

When Ashleigh was about eleven years old, my parents moved out of state. This was actually about three months after my middle daughter Aly was born. This was hard for Ashleigh and me. She was losing a special companion, and I was losing the chance to finally bond with my Mom. Bonding with my Mom had been a life long pursuit of mine. We had always had a difficult relationship, but I had always hoped that in time things would change, also with the birth of my middle daughter I looked forward to my Mom having a chance to bond with Aly as well.

These were all hopes, but reality was that the relationship that we had would only change if we both wanted it to. My Mom had always been most focused on herself and what she wanted, and she was not going to change now.

As time went on and I had my third child Avery I realized that my Mom did not understand nurturing at all. The day Avery was born my Mom and Dad were flying into town. They came up to the hospital to see Avery and me that very day. The following day, I went home (this practice of tossing women out of the hospital I do not understand by the way) and attempted to begin healing and resting from childbirth. Here came my parents to our home, with my Aunt Nina in tow. I was exhausted and tired and now I was entertaining too, Mark and I scrambled to come up with a meal plan. This is when it really hit me that my Mom was oblivious to my needs.

I continued to try to be the dutiful daughter and visit her with Mark and the kids on and off through the years. At one point when Aly was about 5 or 6 years old, my parents were visiting us and Aly asked my Mom "Nana will you come outside and talk to me like you do Ashleigh?" My Mom went outside with her and proceeded to smoke a cigarette and pace back and forth while Aly ran along behind her. My heart broke for Aly. I knew that my Mom was not able to be what Aly needed her to be either.

In time our family become accustom to the way my parents were and we just made the best of it, visiting them from time to time. As my girls became older they did not enjoy the trips to visit my parents, because they did not feel like Nana and Papa cared about them. They would not get the cuddles and hugs and interest about who they were and what they were doing like they did from their other Grandparents. With the girls not on board anymore it was harder and harder to make the trip. Ashleigh actually became hurt and disappointed in my Mom, because of the way my Mom was towards her little sisters. She grew very resentful and she is still struggling with those feelings as she grieves my mom's passing.

I have learned a lot over the years by watching others and how they treat their children. I hope that I have been able to scrape some of the dysfunction from my life. I also hope that my children never feel like they have to pursue my love. Mainly, I want my girls to know that I am here for them 100% of the time. I will do whatever it takes to be the Mom I wish that I had when I was growing up. I know that mistakes will happen, but hopefully we will work through them and come out on the other side a healthy happy family.